Need support - feel so d

[MM2013]

I am new to posting on this board, though I have read periodically. I have been with my undiagnosed BPD partner for 6 years. I think I cannot We are sort of long distance now, but I normally visit and stay one week per month. I went to visit her to celebrate her birthday three weeks ago. Things were

[MM2013]

Sorry I pressed the wrong button before I finished the post.

Long story short, two days before I left, my BPD yelled and threw things just because of a slight comment I made. Then she further turned into beating her face and screamed. I was very scared, bur stayed calm, told her I love her, but to no avail. Later, she apologized and we went out. But while we were driving on the highway, she suddenly yelled again and beat her face. I had to leave the car. She apologized again later before I left to return home.

I decided to break up again, probably the 10th time in this year, not counting the previous years. and she sort of agreed though she still sent me messages. I was devastated and told her to stop sending messages to me. She the disappeared. Today I felt so hurt by her and extremely lonely, I called her, but just to find out she was driving out playing with someone. She did answer my call, but talked in a very cold tone. Later she called back and said that I should not be unhappy all the time. I felt so intimidated and said we really should stop. She replied 'that is fine' in an angry voice. I felt so stupid, I should have just gone no contact. I feel so stupid to have called her. I felt so exploited when I heard her cold tone. She has been treating me highs and lows in all these 6 years. I forgave her every time and went back, but it seems that I just give her chance to hurt me again. Just feel so stupid and sad today. I cannot tell anyone now as my friends all warned me before. I need some strength to pull through this. Thanks for listening.

[JohnLove]

Hi MM2013, just reading your post helped me to feel more rotten than I already did. I can so relate to what you have posted. You can't even get one good week in per month?. That is sad. Have you employed the tools on this site?. I have found them helpful... .but far short of a cure.

It is my experience that pwBPD experience severe abandonment issues and I can see how your BPD might have been triggered by the thought of your impending departure.

I have seen the beating of the face/head. It's VERY bad. It distresses me greatly.

I know how it feels to feel stupid or that you've been "had.".

Is "driving out playing with someone" a round of golf or her messing about in someone's car?.

Leaning too hard on friendships is never a good idea especially over time. I hear you in regard to friends thinking you're foolish. Friends warning us. Why does that fall on deaf ears half the time?.

Hang in there. You'll be alright. Moment of weakness or hope?. I guess at least you know now.

I don't believe it's easy but things will improve. Try to be your best and look after yourself.

Cheers.