What would you want to hear from them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am also one of those who don't want to hear anything further from my BPDex.  In fact, I received an ever so normal sounding email yesterday, to thank me for sending him a copy of the divorce papers, and a whole apologetic message about being sorry about the way he spoke to me, and that he understands it must have been difficult for me to live with him.  That he thanks me for the "wonderful" times we shared (my recollection of the 11 months we shared is quite different, and there was really not a single time I can say was truly "wonderful".

I realise that he has a really profound personality problem, rooted in his childhood abuse and parental neglect, being sexually violated and exploited at a young age, etc.  I realise that people who have been so damaged, don't suddenly change overnight. So anything that he says to me now is still under question.  If he had to contact me in a few years to come and say that he had spent the past years in therapy and that he wants to apologise for the pain I suffered during and after our 11 month marriage, then perhaps I would be more inclined to take it seriously.  Whether I would want to revisit a hopefully closed chapter in my life, would be another story.

[Ihope2]

I am also one of those who don't want to hear anything further from my BPDex.  In fact, I received an ever so normal sounding email yesterday, to thank me for sending him a copy of the divorce papers, and a whole apologetic message about being sorry about the way he spoke to me, and that he understands it must have been difficult for me to live with him.  That he thanks me for the "wonderful" times we shared (my recollection of the 11 months we shared is quite different, and there was really not a single time I can say was truly "wonderful".

I realise that he has a really profound personality problem, rooted in his childhood abuse and parental neglect, being sexually violated and exploited at a young age, etc.  I realise that people who have been so damaged, don't suddenly change overnight. So anything that he says to me now is still under question.  If he had to contact me in a few years to come and say that he had spent the past years in therapy and that he wants to apologise for the pain I suffered during and after our 11 month marriage, then perhaps I would be more inclined to take it seriously.  Whether I would want to revisit a hopefully closed chapter in my life, would be another story.

[Infared]

Honestly

At this point it's doesn't matter. She got angry I was stuck in my illusion I projected onto her and she felt engulfed by it. No one to blame we both had equal parts in it.

I guess that once I heal that me and her can be friends.

All her bad behavior was just her trying to break the illusion. My own pride kept me stuck In it.

I honestly think I can be friends with her one day.

BLIM... .hate to burst your fantasy bubble... .but we know, understand and can engage in "friendships".

We are mature adults, that understand the concepts of "contribution" and "boundaries".

An untreated pwBPD can do none of that. None.

... .so as far as any kind of meaningful friendship IMHO, a pwBPD is simply not capable of it, in any way.

[Blimblam]

Honestly

At this point it's doesn't matter. She got angry I was stuck in my illusion I projected onto her and she felt engulfed by it. No one to blame we both had equal parts in it.

I guess that once I heal that me and her can be friends.

All her bad behavior was just her trying to break the illusion. My own pride kept me stuck In it.

I honestly think I can be friends with her one day.

BLIM... .hate to burst your fantasy bubble... .but we know, understand and can engage in "friendships".

We are mature adults, that understand the concepts of "contribution" and "boundaries".

An untreated pwBPD can do none of that. None.

... .so as far as any kind of meaningful friendship IMHO, a pwBPD is simply not capable of it, in any way.

You are probably right but I think I could be capable again. I was afraid of her for a while.  The thing is I don't need a mirror anymore so it might not be so appealing.  In the last 72 hours I detached finally.

[Aussie JJ]

Blim,

WHY WHY WHY WHY

You ask how us with kids do it.  Because we have to

  Why make a choice to engage. 

I have learnt a lot through this about those around me, friends and family particulary. 

MUM

A bit of Narcissism and I'm fairly sure BPD, especially 10-15 years ago. 

DAD

Codependant / very passive

BEST MATE

Normal (after lots of therapy himself that he only recently admitted to)

BEST MATES MUM

Alcoholic + BPD

BOSS AT WORK

Total NPD

OLD BOSS

Total NPD

FIRST GIRLFRIEND

BPD + Substance abuse / addiction. 

A GOOD FEMALE FRIEND OF MINE

BPD (2 exbfs going through court with her, stalking + domestic violence - she blames them for it all)

ANOTHER WORK MATE AND HIS NEW GF

BPD + NPD match made in heaven

I have all of these people that I can identify behaviours in that are totally off the scale.  I accept my mum she has calmed down alot.  I have trouble seeing when she abuses my dad verbally as it triggers me understanding it.  I accept my beat mates mum, she has finally quit drinking.  I accept my first GF she is long gone out of my life.  I accept my boss because I have to, using I believe statements etc sets him off.  I am ready for his BS and know what to expect.  Friend that is NPD with new BPD gf.  I am enjoying observing that and learning from it. 

Why choose to expose yourself to someone that has done that harm to you on a personal level.  As friends be aware of them, as bloody friends after destroying you WHY choose that. 

[Aussie JJ]

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.   

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends. 

[MommaBear]

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.   

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends. 

Amen. Aussie JJ's right. Those of us with kids have no choice.

[Blimblam]

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.  

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends.  

Very good point. I have no inclinations now but I think I will get to a point where I don't think I would internalize her crap and if she treated me any way I didn't want I would set a boundary or just plan walk away.  I think a part of it is a fantasy of me walking away from her feeling like I escaped and smiling rather than hating myself for being hurt and feeling like a coward scuttling away.

[mywifecrazy]

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.   

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends. 

Amen. Aussie JJ's right. Those of us with kids have no choice.

Even us with kids have a choice. I am in EXTREME LC with my uBPDXW. I also have Extreme boundaries (no texting,no phone calls, only emails on a limited basis and she's not allowed at my house) put up for my sanity. I adhere to these boundaries so I'm not exposed to her crazy world. I am luckier than most with kids because I have primary custody.

MFC

[Artisan]

I want to hear her own up and be responsible.

No gaslighting.

No psychological speech.

No defensiveness.

Just ... .yes, I did that and it's how it was.

An apology might be nice ... .at least an apology for what happened.

Not an apology from her feeling guilty and like a punished child. Which is what normally would happen.

I'd just like her to own it without the guilt, shaming, drama, acting out, around and around bulljunk.

I'd like her to say, yes I did say I hate you and leave ... .and not give a million different explanations for it.

I'd like her to apologize for hurting me and all the false accusations of cheating ... .without her saying that a joke I made once was the premise for all the accusations. (seriously ... .a joke is justification for 9 months of accusations?)

I'd like her to apologize for saying I'm not a man. I am a man. I manned up and left her ass after being torn down one too many times.

I'd like her to apologize for accusing me of lying, manipulation and hiding things.

And the truth is, she never will.

She feels bad because I responded like any sane person would do, I left.

She feels punished, and refuses to acknowledge the larger picture. I'm not punishing her.

I was dying.

I wish she would acknowledge and take responsibility and apologize for her behavior and how it demolished me emotionally, undermined my self esteem, and left me feeling broken.

I wish she would apologize for accusing me of faking being sick when I was having severe chest pains and was so frightened and anxious that I was certain, if I stayed, I would have had a heart attack.

She never will.



So ... .what do I REALLY want to hear from her?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL, EVER FOR ALL ETERNITY!

[MommaBear]

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.   

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends. 

Amen. Aussie JJ's right. Those of us with kids have no choice.

Even us with kids have a choice. I am in EXTREME LC with my uBPDXW. I also have Extreme boundaries (no texting,no phone calls, only emails on a limited basis and she's not allowed at my house) put up for my sanity. I adhere to these boundaries so I'm not exposed to her crazy world. I am luckier than most with kids because I have primary custody.

MFC

Not everyone has primary custody, and in my case, with a 2 yr old, I NEED to have some kind of communcation established, since the little one can't really tell me what's going on, and the ex is a neglectful, difficult person prone to rages.

I set very strict limits with him as well. No entry into the house, limited communication, etc. ... .but sometimes on the advice of my laywer I have to discuss other issues.

I would like to further limit contact but it would come at the cost of my child's welfare, which I refuse to do.

Just saying, not everyone has as much choice as you do. I wish more than anything that things were set in stone for me, on the legal front, but they're not. Until then, my choices are limited.

[BorisAcusio]

Honestly

At this point it's doesn't matter. She got angry I was stuck in my illusion I projected onto her and she felt engulfed by it. No one to blame we both had equal parts in it.

I guess that once I heal that me and her can be friends.

All her bad behavior was just her trying to break the illusion. My own pride kept me stuck In it.

I honestly think I can be friends with her one day.

BLIM... .hate to burst your fantasy bubble... .but we know, understand and can engage in "friendships".

We are mature adults, that understand the concepts of "contribution" and "boundaries".

An untreated pwBPD can do none of that. None.

... .so as far as any kind of meaningful friendship IMHO, a pwBPD is simply not capable of it, in any way.

You are probably right but I think I could be capable again. I was afraid of her for a while.  The thing is I don't need a mirror anymore so it might not be so appealing.  In the last 72 hours I detached finally.

Well, what you do is still maintaining a fantasy bond with her that can be regained in the future, when you're "healed" and worthy for her attention.