Seriously? The sheer audacity after 30 years marriage?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been 7mo. Since separation from my uBPDh, of 30 years.  He has essentially been NC since I moved out. Recently he started a text rage over a minor amount of $ from a rebate check and said coldly that he was so ready to get this over with, that was followed by several more hurtful texts, where he tried to deflect his discovered affair, and tried to claim I cheated on him ( of course I have never cheated on him) he continued to make comments about "lets get on with the divorce" etc... .I stopped responding after the 2nd text.

       I feel this was the confirmation I sought, that there was no hope of reconciliation, and to be honest, I am somewhat ashamed that I even hoped for it.  In hindsight, considering no real change has occurred in all our 30yr marriage, and I now have the infidelity to deal with for the first time ever I even feel more foolish.  As a result, 3 days later, I emailed him a short, non confrontational cover letter, expressing that I stilled had love & concern for his well being and again urged him into some sort of counseling, to at least salvage a relationship with our 3 adult children, ( which became estranged since his affair was discovered by our S23,) and included the list of marital assets & liabilities as well as the business assets of our business we own.

         I now feel the re-opening of the wounds, that I had escaped these past 7mo of our separation, and he is emailing some hurtful, yet false things, blaming me for his infidelity, and of course accuses me of the same, falsely accusing me of being a Lesbian, and saying he doesn't want to share any assets with me, he wants to keep everything, and plans to fight me every step of the way. We live In a community property state, so I will be seeking an attorney , I had hoped we could do it through a paralegal or cheaper mediator, but it doesn't look like it. I even considered just walking away from it all, for the sake of peace of mind, but I'm gonna pray on that a while before deciding.

         Despite all that I've learned of BPD, I still am stunned and hurt over the viciousness and coldness in his responses. I have never done him any dirt, and tried validation and turning the other cheek, And walked on eggshells for nearly all our 30yr marriage, and it ends like this?  I'm really hurting that all my efforts were futile and my reward for 30yrs of perseverance is an affair , and disregard and disposal in the blink of an eye, replaced without a second thought, thrown out like trash, and the audacity to say I should not get anything? I have contributed MORE than half of our family income our entire marriage, and worked my butt off for our business in addition to my full time nursing job. I worked 13-14 hours a day 6 days a week between both jobs for the past 10yrs and 40 hours a week all the years prior. WTH?

       Is it worth the fight, to fight for what is rightfully mine? I don't know?

[nursemyBPD]

It has been 7mo. Since separation from my uBPDh, of 30 years.  He has essentially been NC since I moved out. Recently he started a text rage over a minor amount of $ from a rebate check and said coldly that he was so ready to get this over with, that was followed by several more hurtful texts, where he tried to deflect his discovered affair, and tried to claim I cheated on him ( of course I have never cheated on him) he continued to make comments about "lets get on with the divorce" etc... .I stopped responding after the 2nd text.

       I feel this was the confirmation I sought, that there was no hope of reconciliation, and to be honest, I am somewhat ashamed that I even hoped for it.  In hindsight, considering no real change has occurred in all our 30yr marriage, and I now have the infidelity to deal with for the first time ever I even feel more foolish.  As a result, 3 days later, I emailed him a short, non confrontational cover letter, expressing that I stilled had love & concern for his well being and again urged him into some sort of counseling, to at least salvage a relationship with our 3 adult children, ( which became estranged since his affair was discovered by our S23,) and included the list of marital assets & liabilities as well as the business assets of our business we own.

         I now feel the re-opening of the wounds, that I had escaped these past 7mo of our separation, and he is emailing some hurtful, yet false things, blaming me for his infidelity, and of course accuses me of the same, falsely accusing me of being a Lesbian, and saying he doesn't want to share any assets with me, he wants to keep everything, and plans to fight me every step of the way. We live In a community property state, so I will be seeking an attorney , I had hoped we could do it through a paralegal or cheaper mediator, but it doesn't look like it. I even considered just walking away from it all, for the sake of peace of mind, but I'm gonna pray on that a while before deciding.

         Despite all that I've learned of BPD, I still am stunned and hurt over the viciousness and coldness in his responses. I have never done him any dirt, and tried validation and turning the other cheek, And walked on eggshells for nearly all our 30yr marriage, and it ends like this?  I'm really hurting that all my efforts were futile and my reward for 30yrs of perseverance is an affair , and disregard and disposal in the blink of an eye, replaced without a second thought, thrown out like trash, and the audacity to say I should not get anything? I have contributed MORE than half of our family income our entire marriage, and worked my butt off for our business in addition to my full time nursing job. I worked 13-14 hours a day 6 days a week between both jobs for the past 10yrs and 40 hours a week all the years prior. WTH?

       Is it worth the fight, to fight for what is rightfully mine? I don't know?

[Eodmava]

Nursemy,

As someone who just went through a BPD divorce after a 16 year marriage I can tell you that you are on the right path.  Get a lawyer - it will cost you - but the lawyer IS your peace of mind.  Separate the emotional from the business side of the marriage.  Process the grief and move on into your new life.  I can tell you now that a month after the divorce, which was an almost two year saga at the end of a 16 year "marriage" there is light at the end of the tunnel.  If he wants a fight, give it to him.  Get yourself the best, most aggressive, lawyer that you can find, preferably one that knows mental illness and document, document, document.  Save all the threatening texts, record every interaction with him, film everything, keep a journal.  Study up on BPD and you will get to a point where you will be able to provoke him for certain desired reactions.  Remember, the more you want something, the more he will oppose it.  The more you oppose something, the more he will want it. 

It took me a long time to realize it but the feelings from the BPD side of my relationship were never the same as my own.  Her entire perception of the marriage was in her victim, abused role... .none of her friends that know both of us will even speak to her anymore.

You have to grieve the fact that you did not "really" share the same memories... .my ex discarded me like used toilet paper, treated me like our 16 marriage was nothing, our home nothing, our children's lives nothing, my family nothing.  The ability of a BPD to destroy can't be overstated.  Buckle up, pray... .BPD is evil... .there is no reason in the land of BPD... .Hell is BPD... .and you are going to need your faith to walk through it... .just keep going... ."when you're going through hell... .keep going." - churchill

MAVA

[MommaBear]

Join the club, nursemyBPD, there are a slew of ex-wives (and husbands) who could tell you that almost exactly the same thing has happened to them. The only comfort this d/o gives me is the fact that it's so, SO predictable.

Yes, my ex cheated as well, and was constantly accusing me of infidelity (which I had never done, of course).

There were times I had hoped to reconcile, but if I had known then what I know now, I would never have wished for it.

And I know what you mean by the re-opening of wounds. We've all had similar experiences. It's a journey, and some days are better than others, but over the long run, it does get easier.

Most people (including myself) find that sharing stories, tips and knowledge about the disorder helps a great deal. Also knowing that you're not alone and that so many of us understand and won't judge you for staying, for wanting to go back at times, and for mourning the loss. Unlike other people, people here don't ask things like, "Well, if you knew what he was like, why didn't you leave sooner?" We all KNOW what it's like, so here is a place you can be yourself and never have to justify how or what you're feeling.

Hang in there. Like I said, it does get easier.