Breakthough: Acceptance that uBPDw will never change

[Moselle]

It came as a bit of a dawn for me after a long cold night.

I have battled with trying to get my uBPDw to be diagnosed and realise that she is mentally ill, so she can change. I've realised it's a battle I can never win. So after 6 months of separation, I've stopped, and just accepted that she is mentally ill.

This might sound simplistic, because it is. I don't condone the behaviour, I don't like the behaviour, I don't like her much at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm divorcing her or if she's divorcing me, but I do know and accept that she has a personality disorder and that will never change. She may manage it or choose not to. She may acknowledge it or choose not to, but that is not my problem. It is hers.

My problem is changing my deviations, and I am well on my way to doing that, because I want a healthy romantic relationship.

I can't begin to tell you how much peace and calm comes from accepting reality as it is. Right now!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ChipH]

I split from my ex BPDw about a year ago. We've been divorced for about 4 montha officially now. She was diagnosed but she won't accept it and never will. I tried everything I could including getting her in with a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. All that happened was she ended up turning on me full bore and took out an EPO. She did everything possible to smear my reputation and make me the bad guy. She went on the classical smear campaign.

After I filed for divorce, she tried to get back together a couple of times, but I finally just accepted she is never going to change and she is never going to get the real help she needs. She is just going to cycle through relationships with the same pattern over and over. Most days I can't stand her, but there are days here and there I have regrets. It's those times I come here to read to remind myself how truly bad the bad times were. We have kids together so I still have to deal with her. I had some great times with her and I miss that, but I know there is someone out there who I can have that with who won't turn on me at any moment. There is no need to go through life in constant fear the person you love is going to turn on you for no reason except their own insanity. 

[Moselle]

I had some great times with her and I miss that, but I know there is someone out there who I can have that with who won't turn on me at any moment. There is no need to go through life in constant fear the person you love is going to turn on you for no reason except their own insanity. 

Thanks for the note ChipH

Yes, after a few public airings of all my sins, I'm beginning to realise that she knows I'm alive, a sperm donor, and money provider, but I don't think there is much else in terms of seeing me as another human being with feelings, opinions, thoughts and needs.

In terms of my own development, I'm reading the book "Stop caretaking the BP/NP", and I'm realising that I've been complicit in all of this nonsense. I've accepted being treated like I'm not there, and bizarrely, I've allowed myself to become a servant/slave to her wishes. All she had to do was threaten, or get angry or pout and I would give her anything she wanted. When I look back, I'm a little embarrassed about how much control I gave her, and it happened slowly, almost imperceptibly until the full hatred stage, when she became physically abusive as well. I gave her an ultimatum 4 years ago, therapy or divorce. You can guess she chose therapy right? But she's been so clever at manipulating therapists, to believe that I am the narcissist who has been abusive to her. When they do catchup to her games and confront her, she jumps to another one, and the process started again. I stopped paying for therapists 3 months ago - it won't help her, and just now I realise that actually, nothing can help her. Her whole life supports her beliefs,  mother and 3 sisters also with signs of BPD themselves, readily tell her that "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you". I guess the apple never falls far from the tree LOL

I'm trying to piece myself back together, and develop my self esteem again, and realising its a bit of a mountain, but I'm worth it! - I'm already climbing

[ImWrecked]

I had some great times with her and I miss that, but I know there is someone out there who I can have that with who won't turn on me at any moment. There is no need to go through life in constant fear the person you love is going to turn on you for no reason except their own insanity. 

Nicely put... .I have to remember this... .easier said than done though.