Bpd rs with a person with a clear sense of self?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wonder what happens when A BPD person has a relationship with a "healthy" person with a clear sense of self and healthy boundaries?

[Blimblam]

I wonder what happens when A BPD person has a relationship with a "healthy" person with a clear sense of self and healthy boundaries?

[goldylamont]

they have good times, bad times, stay together for 4 years, hateful breakup, and then the 'healthy' one ends up here?

[Blimblam]

I guess I kind of take comfort in that but I'm sorry you ended up here.

[goldylamont]

damn. you know that actually made me feel good. thanks blimblam! i've been meaning to take a break from here. i've done it before for a few months. i think it's that time again. i need to do some thinking on why i 'need' this board so much since i'm so far along in recovery. at any rate, i appreciate your words. and, if you have any questions from someone who at least 'thinks' he's pretty healthy  , let me know. i'll try and answer to the best of my ability. and thanks again.

[Reforming]

Hi Goldy

Four years is a substantial period of time. I hope you don't mind me asking if you ever felt that your relationship was unhealthy?

I think we come to these boards for various reasons.

Understanding; BPD is very hard to understand or even believe unless you lived with it.

A desire to help others by sharing your experience and insights

And the big why?

Perhaps you still have unanswered questions

Reforming

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Goldy

Four years is a substantial period of time. I hope you don't mind me asking if you ever felt that your relationship was unhealthy?

I think we come to these boards for various reasons.

Understanding; BPD is very hard to understand or even believe unless you lived with it.

A desire to help others by sharing your experience and insights

And the big why?

Perhaps you still have unanswered questions

Reforming

I agree with  you Reforming.

A variety of reasons bring us here. I initially spent a good deal of time here not posting a thing. Just reading for months. It was surreal that I finally could answer what on earth just happened to me? My friend recalls often that I would say to her many times, "this just doesn't make sense. People don't just fall head over heels in love with you, go through all that we shared ( which was a very complicated and public ordeal) and then get up and disappear and act like they never even knew you."  This board in many ways saved my life.  I too was teetering for a while in deep darkness being left with absolutely no closure, reasons why, caring or concern, and dealing with intense after math real life changes as a result of his destruction.

I also came here a great deal when I missed him.  In many ways being here amoungt a group of people who were putting my very feelings into words comforted me very much during those long lonely hours of just grieving and missing a very real person who I cared a great deal about. I can't tell you how helpful it was to not sit alone crying, wondering about so much, but rather to log on and just deal with my feelings here. Additionally my best supporters, even my T, couldn't truly understand why I was still grieving so hard. As said many times here, no one would ever understand unless they experienced it. You guys all do.

Being here allows me to stay strong when I feel weak. This board has likely strengthened me to a place I never thought I could arrive at.  I just kept asking myself when this mental torment would end... .for so long. I feel myself strengthened to a place that I had envisioned and hoped for but had no idea how to obtain.  Again, this is because of you all. If I did not have this board to come to when I experienced the last attempt to recycle, by him, a few months ago I would have caved. All of your stories, all of the good and solid support on why they do what they do. All of the encouragement on staying NC after reading hundreds of others stories about going back again and again and again with the same heart wrenching outcome. This all allowed me to ignore him the last time. And it was not something I had to put conscience effort into. I had the strength by then. The knowledge. And much more caring for ME by the time he attempted to bait me. It felt like I crossed the finish line at a marathon that I ran through in mine fields when I didn't take the bait and kept going. NC , no acknowledgement of his presence, no feeling inside me of panic and euphoria and immediate need to engage. Nothing.  I could see the panic in his eyes of the abandoned child on the verge of tears. But I kept going.  I knew in that moment I was detached. Oh, how incredible that felt too. The indifference. Calm.

Lastly, coming to this board to offer support to others who are still where I was when I fell upon this site is really the final effort in full detachment for me.  It's like paying it foreword in a way. When I was weak and desperate and longing for help and grieving so hard in that land of confusion and hurt, it was you fine family of supporters who pulled me up inch by inch. I needed your strength. I want to share mine now and although I know not realistic, to shed light on this horrific d/o to as many people on earth as I can. I still cannot fathom how hidden this thing called BPD is. Over 75K people here and we were alone in our aftermath? Not right. Nothing is right about it all.

I do ponder with the thought of taking a break from here as well. I find that I am desensitized enough that I can identify that I often come here when I am just lonely instead of hurting, etc. I think that was a very big reason I ignored so many  with my ex. I was vulnerable and lonely. I drank his Koolaide. Heck, I chugged it! Being alone now is where I get my best inner core work done. I think that is an important factor in healing once you get past the very real trauma and deep pain.

Since I am applying so much to my own core issues, I don't want to substitute my addiction to my pBPD with anything else. I want to work through that all without a codependancy on anything else.

Good topic 

[goldylamont]

Hi Goldy

Four years is a substantial period of time. I hope you don't mind me asking if you ever felt that your relationship was unhealthy?

I think we come to these boards for various reasons.

Understanding; BPD is very hard to understand or even believe unless you lived with it.

A desire to help others by sharing your experience and insights

And the big why?

Perhaps you still have unanswered questions

Reforming

Well during the r/s I never knew about BPD. I didn't discover irlt until over a year later, then was able to see everything through a different lens. I had never heard the concept of emotional abuse, and it took me a while to see that this is what I had gone through. I would talk with friends of mine in long term r/s at the time and they all had problems and issues as well, so it was hard for me to distinguish at the time that my ex was in fact quite different from normal. Part of me felt that I was just making a bigger deal out of something that happened in all r/s and it wasn't till I found out about BPD that everything clicked. While I see much of my previous r/s as unhealthy, definitely so, I don't see every moment of it as an unhealthy exchange. At least from my perspective. I recognize both mistakes I made and also that I acted a lot out of integrity and with sincerity.

As far as unanswered questions, no I don't feel like I have too many of these. I feel pretty satisfied in my understanding of what went on. This is after a couple years of pondering the subject though.

[Reforming]

Hi Goldy,

Like you I knew nothing about borderline during my relationship. But while I may not have been been able to put a name on my ex's disorder I did recognise that her behaviour was destructive and dysfunctional.

By the time the honeymoon period is over and their idealisation starts to fade (around three months) their real nature becomes apparent and if you're close to them, like we were, it's hard to deny it.

I also had intervals of sweetness, what felt like intimacy, honesty and connection but the darker moments were fecking dark. Blame, projection, manipulation and horrible destructive arguments where I ended up saying things that I am still ashamed of.

If you find yourself saying and doing things that make you feel ashamed you have ask yourself serious questions.

Despite all this I believed that I was acting sincerely and with integrity.

But I stayed, stuck in a relationship that was unhealthy and self destructive

I think there's a difference between understanding what went on, and why it went on

Grudgingly I've come to accept that there are reasons why I stayed for so long in such an unhealthy relationship.

I think that's true for all of to some extent.

That doesn't mean I've concluded that I'm a bad or weak person or that others here are either, but borderlines have a gift for spotting and exploiting the cracks in our soul

Self examination can be a total head fck and I think taking time off from yourself and the board can be a good thing.

Hope you drop back in and say hello

All the best

Reforming

[Blimblam]

I talked fairly in depth with a sociopath yesterday.  The truth is sociopaths are the alpha male.  They can charm women like it's nothing. We are living in their world they own this thing. It's been so hard to accept.  Yes the borderline may accept her self and find a sort of comfort but will she always be lost? Maybe. She realizes now that other people are living a lie she still won't take any responsibility in that though.

The sociopath I talked to had a very clear sense of self.

[goldylamont]

oh wow, where do i start. blimblam, my man, please please you have to stop trusting these nutty people. being a sociopath doesn't make you any better or give you any edge in life. it doesn't make you more "alpha male" either. what it makes you is a sociopath. there's over 6 billion people on this earth, so i'm sure there's many thousands of sociopaths walking around. and i'm sure they run the gambit, some are probably charming, some womanizers, some complete losers who are unattractive to most anybody.

blimblam, a sociopath will lie to you. besides, how do you know this person is a sociopath?

besides that, i know several men, with plenty successful dating lives that would laugh at sociopaths (unless the sociopath tried to kill them i guess). you can't trust these guys, especially with dating advice. seriously, you don't want to get advice about women from a self proclaimed sociopath.

being an alpha male is soo 2002 broski  most guys who try their best to act "alpha" are insecure men who've been hurt in the past by some woman. so they walk around wearing a mask acting like they are big and strong trying to mistreat women because they don't have enough True Confidence to trust that they themselves are attractive enough to meet women. these men only have False Confidence. a common name today is "douche" for the False Confidence type. sure, some guy with False Confidence may get laid a little more than someone who doesn't even try to approach women at all, but the women these men attract are usually troubled, usually match their level of manipulation and low self-esteem. aim higher than this. way higher blimblam. and, never put any trust into the words of a self proclaimed sociopath. they aren't magical beings in any way.

[goldylamont]

blimblam i hope the previous post didn't sound too invalidating to you. i didn't mean it that way, i just notice you've been posting a lot about getting advice from sociopaths and i think it just got me concerned is all. so i just wanted to say to be careful around these types. they don't give you advice because they care about you, hence their title. what i meant to convey in a nutshell, is that you are good enough just being you to attract a good and sexy mate. but you need to heal and find the true you first, then polish it into the best you. don't try wearing another mask to get there, you have enough already, just do what makes you happiest for yourself. and building this foundation of happiness and contentment will make you more attractive to all day by day. trust me. and take care!

[Blimblam]

Yes thanks goldy

I was just listening to how he sees things. I didn't feed him any information to delude me with. He tried to but I got a worldview from his perspective.  The advice doesn't apply because I'm now not a sociopath. The thing is they have a completely clear sense of self. And even they avoid BPD chicks because they find them draining and according to them looking for something that "doesn't exist."   

Us and the borderline are looking for love but looked in the wrong place.  All we seek is within.