i still can't walk away

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

after a tumultuous 10 months, my exBPD broke up with me a week and a half ago. we were in the process of moving to a new city, into an apartment together. i moved two weeks ago, and he was to come in a few weeks. there had been red flags throughout our relationship, but the week before i moved, he turned into a different person. he refused to see me the weekend before i left; i wanted to see him and that made him mad. "it's not like we're never going to see each other again," he said. so i moved on my own, for the first time in my life without any help from parents or friends. three days later, my ex called to inform me he "wasn't mad anymore" and asked if it would be ok if he came to visit. i said i was uncomfortable with that and would prefer if he didn't. nevertheless, he showed up on my doorstep at 1am. he said that he was too excited to wait because he had missed me so much. i reminded him it was his decision not to see me before i left. he said it was the past and he couldn't change it. (he hasn't apologized to me once throughout our relationship.)

we had a rather rough weekend. on friday, i went grocery shopping (while he napped) and surprised him with a box of little chocolate donuts. his response? "you irritate me," and he stormed out of the room. i broke down and cried for an hour before he came to talk to me. he turned my tears into a personal attack on him. he said i hadn't made him feel welcome and he was going to leave. i begged him to stay and he agreed. that night we went out for dinner and i thought, foolishly, that the storm had passed. however, while we were at dinner, he kept pinching and flicking my leg under the table, almost like he was trying to punish or hurt me. i told him he was hurting me (he left several bruises) but he said he wasn't even pinching me "that hard."

saturday he woke up in a great mood, although i was wary. i made breakfast, we went shopping and out to lunch. we were happy and laughing, but that afternoon as we drove to the gym, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. no argument, no words exchanged... .just silence. i asked if he was mad at me and his response was, "why would i be mad at you?" i asked if i had done something wrong and he just said, "i don't have anything to say to you." four hours passed without him speaking to me. when we got home, he exploded in a rage about how i annoy him. he even brought up an incident from the previous week, when i "made" him go to the doctor because he had an infection [he did require antibiotics]. he screamed that i was working too hard to make a nice home for us because he didn't care. he said he didn't believe i was doing any of it for him. his words made me cry, which fueled his fire even more. he hates when i cry; why do i cry so much? we haven't even been together that long for me to cry, he said. he said he didn't want to be here, so he showered, packed his suitcase and walked out. as i stood at the door sobbing, he walked out and didn't look back.

i didn't hear from him until monday morning, when at 515am he text me "good morning, have a good first day at work," as if nothing had happened. a few hours later, he broke up with me. he said he disliked me, but he still wanted to live with me? after two days of fighting (via text), i decided to go NC. he text me three times (two texts asking about my day; one asking if i was just going to ignore him now?), all of which i ignored. unfortunately, i cracked a few days ago and text him. he was infuriated that i had ignored him for six days, but he said he still had feelings for me and again said he wanted to live with me.

that night, i was notified that someone (a username i didn't recognize) tagged me on instagram. i was horrified to see his ex created an account and posted five screenshots of their texts for me to see. he slept with her the day i moved, as well as the day after. then the following day came to move in with me and slept in my bed. i am disgusted. also, he text her that we had been fighting "over dumb stuff" and he had told me he was annoyed and that made me cry. he told her he wasn't going to "deal with my emotions" so he left. to my horror, he asked for sexual favors from her as soon as he got back in town. she agreed.

i told him i respect their relationship and leave him alone will walk away. he got upset i said this, even though he has already broken up with me... .he doesn't want me to leave him.

typing this is humiliating. i can see how horrible he has been, but i can't escape him. why is it so hard for me to walk away?

[pieceofme]

after a tumultuous 10 months, my exBPD broke up with me a week and a half ago. we were in the process of moving to a new city, into an apartment together. i moved two weeks ago, and he was to come in a few weeks. there had been red flags throughout our relationship, but the week before i moved, he turned into a different person. he refused to see me the weekend before i left; i wanted to see him and that made him mad. "it's not like we're never going to see each other again," he said. so i moved on my own, for the first time in my life without any help from parents or friends. three days later, my ex called to inform me he "wasn't mad anymore" and asked if it would be ok if he came to visit. i said i was uncomfortable with that and would prefer if he didn't. nevertheless, he showed up on my doorstep at 1am. he said that he was too excited to wait because he had missed me so much. i reminded him it was his decision not to see me before i left. he said it was the past and he couldn't change it. (he hasn't apologized to me once throughout our relationship.)

we had a rather rough weekend. on friday, i went grocery shopping (while he napped) and surprised him with a box of little chocolate donuts. his response? "you irritate me," and he stormed out of the room. i broke down and cried for an hour before he came to talk to me. he turned my tears into a personal attack on him. he said i hadn't made him feel welcome and he was going to leave. i begged him to stay and he agreed. that night we went out for dinner and i thought, foolishly, that the storm had passed. however, while we were at dinner, he kept pinching and flicking my leg under the table, almost like he was trying to punish or hurt me. i told him he was hurting me (he left several bruises) but he said he wasn't even pinching me "that hard."

saturday he woke up in a great mood, although i was wary. i made breakfast, we went shopping and out to lunch. we were happy and laughing, but that afternoon as we drove to the gym, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. no argument, no words exchanged... .just silence. i asked if he was mad at me and his response was, "why would i be mad at you?" i asked if i had done something wrong and he just said, "i don't have anything to say to you." four hours passed without him speaking to me. when we got home, he exploded in a rage about how i annoy him. he even brought up an incident from the previous week, when i "made" him go to the doctor because he had an infection [he did require antibiotics]. he screamed that i was working too hard to make a nice home for us because he didn't care. he said he didn't believe i was doing any of it for him. his words made me cry, which fueled his fire even more. he hates when i cry; why do i cry so much? we haven't even been together that long for me to cry, he said. he said he didn't want to be here, so he showered, packed his suitcase and walked out. as i stood at the door sobbing, he walked out and didn't look back.

i didn't hear from him until monday morning, when at 515am he text me "good morning, have a good first day at work," as if nothing had happened. a few hours later, he broke up with me. he said he disliked me, but he still wanted to live with me? after two days of fighting (via text), i decided to go NC. he text me three times (two texts asking about my day; one asking if i was just going to ignore him now?), all of which i ignored. unfortunately, i cracked a few days ago and text him. he was infuriated that i had ignored him for six days, but he said he still had feelings for me and again said he wanted to live with me.

that night, i was notified that someone (a username i didn't recognize) tagged me on instagram. i was horrified to see his ex created an account and posted five screenshots of their texts for me to see. he slept with her the day i moved, as well as the day after. then the following day came to move in with me and slept in my bed. i am disgusted. also, he text her that we had been fighting "over dumb stuff" and he had told me he was annoyed and that made me cry. he told her he wasn't going to "deal with my emotions" so he left. to my horror, he asked for sexual favors from her as soon as he got back in town. she agreed.

i told him i respect their relationship and leave him alone will walk away. he got upset i said this, even though he has already broken up with me... .he doesn't want me to leave him.

typing this is humiliating. i can see how horrible he has been, but i can't escape him. why is it so hard for me to walk away?

[Mutt]

That move without help would have been difficult and you have emotional blackmail added on top of that pieceofme. That's tough. He dissociated by saying that it's the past and you can't change it and invalidated you and broke a boundary showing up at 1AM.

He doesn't help you move and didn't help with shopping while he napped - he's not looking at your needs. He's looking after his own narcissistic needs and he's throwing up a lot of emotional blackmail. There's emotional immaturity there if he is trying to fool you into thinking it wasn't that "hard". It's busting another boundary and it's physical.

saturday he woke up in a great mood, although i was wary. i made breakfast, we went shopping and out to lunch. we were happy and laughing, but that afternoon as we drove to the gym, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. no argument, no words exchanged... .just silence. i asked if he was mad at me and his response was, "why would i be mad at you?" i asked if i had done something wrong and he just said, "i don't have anything to say to you." four hours passed without him speaking to me. when we got home, he exploded in a rage about how i annoy him

There is a lot of push / pull behavior and he is feeling engulfed and giving you the silent treatment. I'm sorry .

There's FOG again:

"why would i be mad at you?"

"i don't have anything to say to you."

he wasn't going to "deal with my emotions" so he left.

It's his emotions and emotional immaturity. The push / pull behavior and acting out. He is projecting his inappropriate behaviors on you and trying to absolve the feelings of shame and guilt attached to that, and he's narcissistic. I'm so sorry how he went to his ex and she created an account for you to see the text exchange that is painful. I share a similar experience with being cheated on.

That's a good question. Is he living with you? Where do you think you are on the sidebar to the right with Choosing a Path?