Still trying to make sense of situation with uBPDsis

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I found these posts very interesting.  I am still trying to make sense of the situation with my uBPDsis.  Way way back when we both still lived at home and I was about 24, I started going out with a guy - perfectly nice - and not her type at all, so don't think she ever had designs on him.  At the time we used to hang around with a group of people, some were in couples, some singles, and everyone got on really well.  Almost as soon as I started going out with this guy - who some of the others had known for a long time as he had been to college with them, though I didn't know him before, my sister acted really weird.  If my boyfriend and I were going to be there, at some group meet-up, she wouldn't come, and she told my Mum and Dad all sorts of things about him, which meant they were really against him and made things really hard for me.  I moved out permanently soon after I got together with him, we were together for about 4 years.  She would never be clear about what the problem was - it just seemed like she wanted to ostracise me from the group and from my parents.  It didn't work - our friends weren't going to suddenly take sides, my new boyfriend and I did all sorts of things with other people, so it didn't really affect me socially, but it did put a strain on my relationship with my parents which was a real shame, though I managed to hold it together somehow, I carried on seeing them regularly, although they wouldn't let my boyfriend in the house!  As usual - I just found my own way of making things work, but I never understood why she did this.  I couldn't see how it served her, because she just made her own life more complicated, and restricted her social life rather than be out in a group with me and my boyfriend.  I honestly don't think it was that she wanted him for herself, but she was single at the time, so maybe she just couldn't stand me having someone when she didn't.  She did get better after about 3 years.  Interestingly, when she moved back to my Mum's house a few years ago (though she has her own house, and my Mum did not ask her to move in - she just can't cope with living on her own but would never admit it), instead of moving into her own bedroom, she moved into mine!  It's the same size, but it has a double bed in it.  I didn't really think about it at the time, but if it had been me, I would rather have moved back into my own room.  I now wonder if that was an attempt to usurp me in some way, though not sure if I'm letting my imagination run away with me. Conversely, many years earlier, I was going out with someone who my parents really hated as they thought he was totally unsuitable, and they made my life hell.  My sister was very supportive through that - at least to my face.  But she was going out with someone at the time - maybe that made a difference.   Trouble is, we naturally apply logic, and it's hard to understand when their behaviour is so illogical.  JB

[Linda Maria]

I found these posts very interesting.  I am still trying to make sense of the situation with my uBPDsis.  Way way back when we both still lived at home and I was about 24, I started going out with a guy - perfectly nice - and not her type at all, so don't think she ever had designs on him.  At the time we used to hang around with a group of people, some were in couples, some singles, and everyone got on really well.  Almost as soon as I started going out with this guy - who some of the others had known for a long time as he had been to college with them, though I didn't know him before, my sister acted really weird.  If my boyfriend and I were going to be there, at some group meet-up, she wouldn't come, and she told my Mum and Dad all sorts of things about him, which meant they were really against him and made things really hard for me.  I moved out permanently soon after I got together with him, we were together for about 4 years.  She would never be clear about what the problem was - it just seemed like she wanted to ostracise me from the group and from my parents.  It didn't work - our friends weren't going to suddenly take sides, my new boyfriend and I did all sorts of things with other people, so it didn't really affect me socially, but it did put a strain on my relationship with my parents which was a real shame, though I managed to hold it together somehow, I carried on seeing them regularly, although they wouldn't let my boyfriend in the house!  As usual - I just found my own way of making things work, but I never understood why she did this.  I couldn't see how it served her, because she just made her own life more complicated, and restricted her social life rather than be out in a group with me and my boyfriend.  I honestly don't think it was that she wanted him for herself, but she was single at the time, so maybe she just couldn't stand me having someone when she didn't.  She did get better after about 3 years.  Interestingly, when she moved back to my Mum's house a few years ago (though she has her own house, and my Mum did not ask her to move in - she just can't cope with living on her own but would never admit it), instead of moving into her own bedroom, she moved into mine!  It's the same size, but it has a double bed in it.  I didn't really think about it at the time, but if it had been me, I would rather have moved back into my own room.  I now wonder if that was an attempt to usurp me in some way, though not sure if I'm letting my imagination run away with me. Conversely, many years earlier, I was going out with someone who my parents really hated as they thought he was totally unsuitable, and they made my life hell.  My sister was very supportive through that - at least to my face.  But she was going out with someone at the time - maybe that made a difference.   Trouble is, we naturally apply logic, and it's hard to understand when their behaviour is so illogical.  JB

[Turkish]

Since pwBPD suffer from a fragmented sense of self, they attach to others to complete or define their identities. It's likely that by having a boyfriend, you "abandoned" her in her mind, so she lashed out. Destabilization of Self often results in an emotional crisis for a pwBPD. My BPD mom had a complete breakdown the year I moved out of the house (she defined herself by being a mother to her Waif Child, i.e., me). My uBPDx starting actively detaching from me and also our children, exacerbated by my emotional abandonment of her (in this, her criticism of me was legitimate, unlike you having a bf, which was perfectly normal and functional). She suffered an identity crisis, which triggered anger, dissociation, and extreme emotional immaturity. My T referred to it as a dis-integrated identity.

[beatup]

Wow, Turkish you have explained this perfectly! As Linda said, their behavior is so illogical... .

  Many years ago when I was about 10 years old and uBPDsis was about 7... .we were in church together sitting in the front row like every Sunday... .it was a very hot day and I passed out. One of the men who sat up front too, scooped me up & carried me outside... .leaving my sister alone... .I do not remember if she stayed in church or followed me out. She told me that when that man carried me out that my underwear was showing(we wore dresses to church)! Now that I write this... .I am thinking that unless she was in front of us leading the way out she wouldn't have known this... .but anyway I digress... .I believed her and so did Mom & Dad who did not go to church that Sunday. For 40+ years I believed her... .then she came clean on this story & said she made it up? WTH?

  I did not understand this at all but now I think that I do... .I abandoned her! I do think that she stayed as there was some joking about me faking fainting to get out of church. 

Thank you both for this post

[Linda Maria]

Thank you Turkish!  I found your post really helpful - I find it really useful when people can explain these things rather than me just thinking - well that was odd behaviour, or is it me, am I being oversensitive - did I miss some important thing that would explain it?  Many thanks!  JB

[spots]

Hi Linda,

Yes I can relate to trying to come to terms with a uBPD sis. As soon as my other sibling got married and had a daughter, my BPD sis cut off all contact - I don't think she could cope with the fact my other sister was having a normal life without her in the centre of it. I think she saw it as my other sister abandoning her.

I highly recommend Randi Kreger's book Stop Walking on Eggshells to help you make sense of BPD and realise that you are not being paranoid. This book was a lifesaver for me, so much so that I ordered a translated version for my parents to read!

Take care

[Youcantfoolme]

Sound like there's a few things going on here. For starters, it sounds like your sister is totally jealous of you and sees you not as a sister but as competition. This happens in many sister /sister dynamics. Since you have mentioned that your sister is BPD,it also sounds as if she may have felt abandoned by you. Why was it different from the previous guy? Maybe she liked this guy or maybe she saw how happy you were and again, became jealous/felt abandoned and tried sabotaging you. The not being able to get answers part, is exactly what I'm going g through right now with my uBPD sister in law. Being NonBPD makes it really hard to wrap your head around these things and we can't understand why they just can't tell the truth or answer certain questions. Obviously, whatever the answer may be, it's probably something she's ashamed to admit because she knows how ridiculous she will sound by admitting it.  The moving into your bedroom thing sounds a little creepy but maybe it's something completely innocent. Was your room bigger? Maybe located in a better part or the house? I do the same thing. Once you know and acknowledge someone may have BPD you start analyzing and reading too far into every little thing that they do. It's hard to make sense of and justify their quirky behaviors.

[Turkish]

Once you know and acknowledge someone may have BPD you start analyzing and reading too far into every little thing that they do. It's hard to make sense of and justify their quirky behaviors.

This is similar to something my T said, "let's not assign every little behavior to some type of mental illness."

BPD or not, her behavior is highly immature. I've found this helpful:

Emotional Immaturity

[Linda Maria]

Hi everyone - thanks You Can't Fool Me and Turkish for your insights - they are very helpful.  I am learning so much from all the members here.  JB

[Linda Maria]

Hi there.  Meant to say thank you Spots - it was interesting to read about your BPD sis reaction to your other sibling's marriage.  I have read Walking On Eggshells - found it incredibly useful and reassuring that I'm not going mad!  Something else I have noticed with my uBPDsis is the way she "uses" people.  My best friend (who I know she is jealous of - because of our relationship) used to know someone who had something that she wanted to use.  She asked my friend if she could bring round her stuff and use this guy's incinerator to destroy a load of paperwork.  My friend is the nicest most helpful person you could meet - but it was awkward as she hadn't see the guy for about 2 years, and it was more of a business relationship, so she wasn't comfortable ringing him out of the blue, and asking for a favour, which wasn't even for herself.  So she explained to my sister - and my sister really b___ed about it to me - like the fact she had to find another solution was all my friend's fault!  My sis could have easily solved the problem several other ways, but suddenly it was all the responsibility and problem of my friend who was now split completely black!  Bizarre!  JB