Exchanging knowledge with a replacement

[Junknown]

I've been talking with the replacement she had prepared for me. I was the main relationship, he was the backup replacement and her husband was the security anchor that allowed her to have a house and eat by providing her food.

When she inserted another replacement and turned him into the main relationship we both exited and recontacted again (he tried to discover if she was in a relationship once before when she maintained both relationships at same time.). He exited first, i only noticed the new replacement assuming a relationship with her later and she posting romantic musics in that relationship announcement that was public on facebook. The old replacement had a blog where he told her why he was leaving and he expressed his lately disconfort with the whole situation. He also revealed there some encounters they had in the meanwhile and a discussion that my exBPDgf had wrote about on her blog also. After seeing all this i was planning to leave this friday, since thursday and making the plan.

On friday the replacement calls me as he had saved my number since the other discussion.

We shared a lot of stories from each other point of view and this was the most horrible thing to discover. She had mantained both relationships since she started being my gf. Made us mad at each other with jealousy to make us apart. And she was so fake... .She sent things to him saying he loved him, even videos, and also to me, talked about same thing, babies, living together. And we realized this was all a lie! A goddamn lie! An illusion! That she created for both of us. I dont understand, seriously i dont, why? We both did everything for her, everything and in the end it was all fake. The moments, the words she told me. She even sent the same poems she sent me to another guy and told him it was for him... .

I spent 1 year and a half living a lie, moved to a place near her to be close to a lie. Its so damn horrible to see the thruth this way. The manipulation and deceiving exposed like this... .

Any of you ever had something like this happening? Discovering she was mantaining 2 relationships at same time and then discovering all the lies and stuff?

[Mutt]

I can't say that I have talked to my replacement. You are describing triangulation and in this case she can't cope with the primary relationship. She has a secondary to cope from the primary. You, him and her makes three thus a triangle - a coping mechanism for her. That I'm very familiar with as other members are.

[Caredverymuch]

I can't say that I have talked to my replacement. You are describing triangulation and in this case she can't cope with the primary relationship. She has a secondary to cope from the primary. You, him and her makes three thus a triangle - a coping mechanism for her. That I'm very familiar with as other members are.

Triangulation is exceedingly common with borderlines.  The players all change places often though.  Its best not to stay in the triangle as there is no winning for anyone there.  Additionally, as tempting as it is to want to communicate w the replacements, its best left alone.  It only keeps you on the drama and chaos.

I have not experienced exactly what you had but can say that I saw texts he sent his ex ( at the time now back w her ) and the words were the same he said to me.  I then understood why he always deleted his texts. And lied about his communications or where she was in the triangle.

[Junknown]

I see, so this secondary paralel relationship and mine were a triangulation.

It's so bad. Now we both see she mantained two relationships at same time and even proposed both of us a no commitment relationship when both relationships went to a point of serious devastation.

It's like each of us were being deceived, lied to and tough we had a girlfriend but she was of both of us and, in reality, of none, because she was never a real thing... .Just a lier. All the things were never exclusive of each other, so they weren't something serious. We both cant believe now she ever loved us really. We were more like toys to her and emotional pillows for her to hold to and she now went for a new toy/support that appeared. Yeah, its kinda similar to what you mean Caredverymuch, even some reactions and things she said were similar. She also wiped the messages for me.

We lived in the fantasy she created for both of us to entertrain her. Its so sad... .

Talking to someone who went through the same thing is kinda therapeutic. Really, really therapeutic. It has been keeping us both fine. Since friday we spent about 15 hours on the phone as there was a lot to say and it really helped a lot.

[Junknown]

What we plan doing now is keep talking and tell each other her moves and support on the moments we feel like talking to her. This way we will probably be sucessful to mantain no contact easily.

[Mutt]

There's not much detail to go by. What's the back story with all of you?

I'll explain with my ex and it wasn't out of deceit or maliciousness on her part. She can't communicate and doesn't know what her needs are. I was the primary relationship with her but she was not coping. What I mean by not coping is that she had become seriously depressed, SI, resentful and she was reliving her trauma through me - transference. Yes I was treated like an object but it's when she is dysregulated - anxiety / stress. She doesn't always see persons as objects all the time is my point.

My false self wasn't projecting good  anymore that lart she was attaching to during the idealization phase to obtain a sense of self and feel good. Try and think of care taker - knight in shining armor as the false self. By this time we were embroiled in conflict and I became a trigger. She lacks her own identity - doesn't truly know who she is. That had deteriorated - the mirror was shattered. She felt bad and needed to feel good - maladaptive coping skills of the disorder. Underneath all of this - the epicenter is her "core abandonment wound". She started a secondary relationship to offset and cope with our relationship and likely started to feel good again. It wasn't anything that I had intentionally done - it's the disorder.

To us it's very painful, confusing and triggers feelings of resentment. I'm sorry you and the replacement went through that.

[2010]

Junknown,   there are many people here that can help you understand this disorder. I hope you stay and work this through. I noticed in your writing that there isn't much of a consideration for her Husband. What made you choose to blithely ignore his presence to the point where you would demote him to the back burner? What was your thinking about her marriage?

For instance, did you and she talk about him or did you just ignore him? Did she put him down with your help? Did she give you a laundry list of complaints that made you wonder how a woman like her could be stuck in a loveless marriage? And did you ever think that one day she would turn against you, similar to how she turned against her Husband?

I've been talking with the replacement she had prepared for me.

In all likelihood, she didn't prepare this. She was impulsive. Just in the same way that she impulsively met and encouraged you. She cannot plan anything. Just in the same way she cannot self soothe. Feelings are quicksilver, and they come and go very quickly. The feelers go out and they scan for suitable reward, but this is a constant, not a plan. BPD is feelings, not facts.

I was the main relationship, he was the backup replacement and her husband was the security anchor that allowed her to have a house and eat by providing her food.

Unlikely. Her Husband was the "main" relationship. You and the other(s) were back-ups. I'm sorry, but you were never the main relationship. I know this hurts, but you've got to understand the disorder. Was there any reason that you did not consider her Husband as the main relationship?

When she inserted another replacement and turned him into the main relationship we both exited and recontacted again (he tried to discover if she was in a relationship once before when she maintained both relationships at same time.)

He was never a "main" relationship. He was also a back-up. She was married and will continue to be married until her Husband files for divorce. She will not do so until her Husband leaves. Everything she does is due to the feelings she has about her withdrawing (or rewarding) Husband.

We shared a lot of stories from each other point of view and this was the most horrible thing to discover. She had maintained both relationships since she started being my gf. Made us mad at each other with jealousy to make us apart. And she was so fake... .She sent things to him saying he loved him, even videos, and also to me, talked about same thing, babies, living together. And we realized this was all a lie! A goddamn lie! An illusion! That she created for both of us. I dont understand, seriously i dont, why?

Because she cannot be with her Husband without feeling engulfed and she cannot be alone without feeling abandonment. It is a disorder. You were being used to displace the shame and blame almost like a safety valve. I'm sure there are many more "replacements" that you do not know about. For Borderlines, this is an easy solution to abandonment fears but it does nothing to solve the persecution complex- it merely adds on to the shame and blame.

We both did everything for her, everything and in the end it was all fake.

Her Husband has also done everything for her. You'll need to accept that.

I spent 1 year and a half living a lie, moved to a place near her to be close to a lie. Its so damn horrible to see the thruth this way. The manipulation and deceiving exposed like this... .

She was married when you met her. What made you think beyond all reason that she would be different with you? This is going to be painful realization, but it is at the crux of the disorder. How were you going to be different from her Husband? And did you feel as though he was to blame for much of her anxiety?

The moments, the words she told me. She even sent the same poems she sent me to another guy and told him it was for him... .

It is parroting. It is a skill learned in childhood to tell people what they want to hear. If it worked once on you, it will work again on him. I know it is painful, but actions are more important that words. Do not cling to the words that were said. Words are what people with BPD use to objectify themselves. When they find the willing recipients of this objectification, they feel better- but the words are empty. You see, it wasn't about love. It was about need. BPD is "the need to feel good" through the use of another human being.

Any of you ever had something like this happening? Discovering she was maintaining 2 relationships at same time and then discovering all the lies and stuff?

From what you have written, it appears she was maintaining 4 relationships. The Husband, you, the "old" replacement and the "new." That's four people and those are the ones you know about. With technology and the internet, it could be at least a half dozen or more. Your experience should not be elevated above all others. In reality, you were all equal. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it must be accepted that you were merely a safety valve for her marriage.

It's like each of us were being deceived, lied to and tough we had a girlfriend but she was of both of us and, in reality, of none, because she was never a real thing... .Just a lier.

You had a married girlfriend. That, in itself is a major red flag. Start with why you thought that you were better equipped for her than her husband and go from there... .The next step is understanding your part.

[Junknown]

There's not much detail to go by. What's the back story with all of you?

To be short: both of us started the relationship with her through the internet. First me, later on him. Both of us were about 300 km from her. We didnt know she maintained both relationships but we suspected it and were jealous of each other and discussed with her about this. I went to live near her and she planned to move to my house but it was postponed as she wanted a period of adaptation for her and her son. Thing is the period was expanding and i started seeing her devaluating me and getting in the phase where i wasnt so appealing as i was in the start. Sometimes i was great, other i was really bad, and rollercoasted those two images (Full story is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228906.msg12460694#msg12460694)

"What made you choose to blithely ignore his presence to the point where you would demote him to the back burner? What was your thinking about her marriage? For instance, did you and she talk about him or did you just ignore him? Did she put him down with your help? Did she give you a laundry list of complaints that made you wonder how a woman like her could be stuck in a loveless marriage? And did you ever think that one day she would turn against you, similar to how she turned against her Husband? Was there any reason that you did not consider her Husband as the main relationship?"

- Basically, went i met her she talked of him as an abusive obsessed man that had spied on her computer and threatned her physically and that she filled a complain to the police about. Later on i found out they lived together (she told me when i was in love already) and that she had recently married him after 4 years of common life in an effort to improve their life together. Since i've been around here, she broke her ankle and as i was a doctor and was worried about her i went to the hospital where her husband took her, he knew i was having a relationship with her as she had already told him so we met each other. Since then, i went many times to their house to help care her because of her foot problem and i started getting close to her husband as well and becoming, in a certain way, like a friend. He even invited me sometimes to have dinner with them. He knew she was thinking of moving to my place and he only wanted his son to be ok. Thats basically why i considered myself the main relationship. I was going to be in his place. She kept a photo of me on wallet, presented me to her female buddies, all that, i was like an assumed relationship, even to her husband. I was like her real bf, but it was a lie... .I just never imagined how she really was, otherwise i would be more cautious about all this thing of thinking of her moving in. The husband with time texted me and talked to me in certain situations. He told me in some key messages that he went through all i was passing by (relating to the betrayal and suffering) and he told me not to blame myself too much, that she tried to blame him for everything and with time he understood it wasnt all his fault, he even helped me when she treathned to suicide recently when i was trying to get out of this train by telling me she did the same to him in the past and sharing the experience with me. I know he did everything for her and still does, i see it. Even tough she doesnt see it as well  . Its really sad... .

I've been talking with the replacement she had prepared for me.

- I supposed she had prepared him bcs she kept him all along even tough she had a good relationship with me, she had the choice not to have anything with him. But she had and kept him. I tought as she never felt totally secure, this was a way, even tough in an uncounscious way, of having a safety net.

"He was never a "main" relationship. He was also a back-up. She was married and will continue to be married until her Husband files for divorce. She will not do so until her Husband leaves. Everything she does is due to the feelings she has about her withdrawing (or rewarding) Husband."

- Well, i guess you are right. He is the main support for her, provides shelter, food and everything she need. For her survival he is vital. And its a common ground for their son. Provides safety about him for both parts. Which keeps both tied.

"I'm sure there are many more "replacements" that you do not know about. For Borderlines, this is an easy solution to abandonment fears but it does nothing to solve the persecution complex- it merely adds on to the shame and blame."

- Yeah, there were more replacements, she even threatned me with a list. She said when we discussed seriously that she had a list of men. And that the list wasnt static, it moved. That if i went out, another one would replace me. I hated when she said this :/. Some guys appeared in the mid of all this and she talked to them for some time. Like EXs from the past, some did, dunno why she lost interest maybe she just wanted to check how they were and reacted to her.

"She was married when you met her. What made you think beyond all reason that she would be different with you? This is going to be painful realization, but it is at the crux of the disorder. How were you going to be different from her Husband? And did you feel as though he was to blame for much of her anxiety? "

- No, he isnt to blame, he did things wrong to trigger her but she has problems that cause that. She treated me really well, we made huge plans, she idealized me so much. I think it was this idealization. Now she says ive changed. Yes, i did, ive been investing more in me and trying to not eat all her crap for a while. This made us separate and she searched another one. She added him to facebook when we broke up. I even confronted her on this, it was a guy from the past that she had something with, was attracted to, and got really close in a certain period. And suddenly comes back, and he comes in a vulnerable situation, right after a failed relationship. She had already been spying his profile with her fake facebook accounts. I was attentive and noticed it and was expecting this to happen. Didnt take long to happen. Even her starting a relationship with him i told her that she seemed like she wanted something. Said and done. Now she is with him... .

"You see, it wasn't about love. It was about need. BPD is "the need to feel good" through the use of another human being."

- Yeah, a hard thing to swallow :/ . But i realized that and need to get that all over my mind so i dont fall back anymore.

"You had a married girlfriend. That, in itself is a major red flag. Start with why you thought that you were better equipped for her than her husband and go from there... .The next step is understanding your part."

- Yeah, i identified some problems:

/My family of origin, my mother is BPD or has traces, my father is narcisistic. It was a house with trouble all the time,conflits, lots of them. I hate conflits, so when they went off i tried to calm her down, help her feel better.

/She was the donzel in distress. I tried to rescue her. When she cried it melted my heart.

/Im naive... .I took all the lies, even things that were kinda obvious. But not just me, the replacement im talking to did the same.

/I ignored the red flags.

/I tought she could be different even tough i know since before coming to near her that she had this problem, she even confessed she was diagnosed by psychiatrist when she was younger. But i tought she could improve. Nah, "the disease always wins". Now i understand why people say this... .

/I always excused her, everything she did and was anomalous i tought of her and all her problems and took em lightly... .

As i went to a therapist (by her suggestion, but for my convenience as i told my T in the 1st session, the problem i tought she had) she will help me solve some of them.

This was the 2nd day after. Lets see how the next ones will go. As she has a fresh replacement she didnt contact both of us much.