Broke NC

[AG]

I broke NC after a couple of months. Let me get this very clear I have only myself to blame. For the past 3 weeks something inside has been festering. I have extreme difficulty handling betrayal and it is even harder with no closure or apology. I really wanted to know what in the world was my ex so mad about at me to betray me. I tried low riding and just reading on here vs contact but after a while it was like a baloon filling up with too much air inside me and I felt like I was going to pop.

I reached out in the nicest way I possibly could and asked for some type of closure as to what the heck happened. I was met with something like "I have let go of the past and I am happy and stronger now and I want you to be well also please let go of it for you". I then got a half assed apology and a day later was met with pure rage after the apology. I asked why does a half hearted apology make her so angry and she denied that it was the apology that she was angry about but rather the fact that I was contacting her and she wanted me to not do that. She also said when she was down I kicked her metaphorically. what the heck I was the only one that was there for her while she was going through the last hospitalization and I was giving while I was recovering myself from her abusive raging and avoiding many attacks while trying to support her.

I tried explaining but of course was met with more rage amd blame. Also told me to stop harrasing and stalking her. Her reasoning that im stalking her was because I found out it was her who was calling from some random area code number that was obviously some sort of application of some sort. The first time i noticed the number I picked up amd was caught off guard and she was at a party and stayed quiet while i said hello a couple of times repeatedly. Then maybe about 4 other times week after week 2 weeks ago being the last I just didnt pick up knowing it was her. Towards the end of our email interactiom I got so furious and I definitely let everything out inside of me that was festering all at once well not all of it but a hell of alot.

I am angry at myself as I am the only one to blame for this. She is being herself aka crazy but what is my excuse. I feel like my sould amd body needs to be thrown in bleach and scrubbed for a whole month and Im so disgusted with myself for ever allowing this type of filth into my life. I am writing this only to vent but more importantly to warn otthers to not break contact you will feel worse waaaaaay worse. My BPD ex has treatment and many of meds and still the same they do not change and they have nothing to give you but pain. Even a half assed apology is beyond them. Again I have only myself to blame this pain is my own fault. I feel no remorse for anything I said in the exchange that was hurtful and even that makes me angry at myself. All that spiritual knowledge I supposedly stand by out the damn window and I feel like a damn fraud because I can preach but not practice smh. Do not contact you will ___ urself over.

[Blimblam]

Ag do not blame yourself.  The pattern set forth for you to desire to make sense of it was set forth by her abusive behaviors conditioning you.  You survived it.  You are working in healing.  You survived an abusive relationship and you are working through the trauma. 

[seeking balance]

AG,

Beating yourself up over this isn't going to help, we all do one last time until we don't.  I suspect you learned a lit more about yourself and you can use that information to continue to let go and continue to heal.

The thing is, you did get your closure and answers which was your intent... .they just might look a bit different than you were hoping for.

Be kind to you.

SB

[AG]

AG,

Beating yourself up over this isn't going to help, we all do one last time until we don't.  I suspect you learned a lit more about yourself and you can use that information to continue to let go and continue to heal.

The thing is, you did get your closure and answers which was your intent... .they just might look a bit different than you were hoping for.

Be kind to you.

SB

Thanks I appreciate it. I really do and you are right a friend told me the same thing the other day but he didn't sugar coat it and it got me really upset. He said you got your closure months ago when she did what she did. He said she doesn't care about you and she is a nutjob there is your closure. I told my therapist who I picked because she used to work with BPD patients that I wanted to know something was real you know and not just some ___ I can read off of a site. She said some of it was but you will never know what and she probably doesn't know either. As much information as I read I keep trying to make sense of this and I can't seem to turn my mind off from playing this ___ over and over again. Kind of hard to focus on the internal when your mind keeps shifting back to the external. I keep trying to push it back on myself to try to work on me but it's like my own damn mind is my own worst enemy. This is a ridiculous battle that I wish I did not have to fight.

[seeking balance]

Mentally, where you are is exhausting.

There is no magic pill I can give you, but do all the little things even if you don't feel like it and you make it through the hell.

BPD is an illness that exists just to deny itself... .the first time I heard that I wasn't quite sure I understood.  I get it now.

The facts of it are what they are and no rational thought can change it.

Physical exercise was really helpful for me... .now is a great time to train for a marathon or a triathlon.

Time and tears my friend.

Peace,

SB

[seeking balance]

The other thing, read and reread article 9, 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck... .accepting these really are the keys to freedom.

[Caredverymuch]

AG,

Beating yourself up over this isn't going to help, we all do one last time until we don't.  I suspect you learned a lit more about yourself and you can use that information to continue to let go and continue to heal.

The thing is, you did get your closure and answers which was your intent... .they just might look a bit different than you were hoping for.

Be kind to you.

SB

Thanks I appreciate it. I really do and you are right a friend told me the same thing the other day but he didn't sugar coat it and it got me really upset. He said you got your closure months ago when she did what she did. He said she doesn't care about you and she is a nutjob there is your closure. I told my therapist who I picked because she used to work with BPD patients that I wanted to know something was real you know and not just some I can read off of a site. She said some of it was but you will never know what and she probably doesn't know either. As much information as I read I keep trying to make sense of this and I can't seem to turn my mind off from playing this over and over again. Kind of hard to focus on the internal when your mind keeps shifting back to the external. I keep trying to push it back on myself to try to work on me but it's like my own damn mind is my own worst enemy. This is a ridiculous battle that I wish I did not have to fight.

AG, I am sorry for your experience and resultant feelings. I very much know how you feel.

I, too struggled with the "was it real?" with my t.  I asked this many times being left with no closure. I want to assure you, yes. It was real. YOUR love was real. You indeed shared love. But, with a pBPD, it was as "real" as it could get. Bc we know how they process getting too close and the resultant behaviors that are all self protective as such. Which is so unfair bc we have no ability to self protect by then. And we indeed do know and did love.

Time does help. It takes time. Keep reading, posting, and working with your t. This is a deeply rooted disorder, and we cannot change that.

[amigo]

I broke NC too 

I feel sick to my stomach. He started to lure me into texting, with a harmless enough "how are you". I bit. Many texts later, and he led me to believe that he wanted to see me. I knew better. Still I ended up talking to him on the phone. Listening to him tell me how great he has been, how busy he is. Including tonight. I kept my calm. Told him to have a great night with his friends. He said he just wanted to talk to me (earlier he said he wanted to hear my voice) and see how I am doing (translation: see if I am still on the hook), and he will call me again sometime.

I know the disease, I know him, I even knew that chances were great that he was just checking up on his supply and not really going to go any further. I even made plans for myself tonight. Still, I was already anticipating holding him in my arms, and having my last rush of delight (I had decided that I would see him one more time and then be done... .) I am confessing this to you guys here. I guess if I had told him I missed him and really wanted to see him, he might have come over, but I was too rational. Kept my dignity. I know it's for the better, but I am still really shaken up. Why can't I stay NC? I just want my last hit and the chance to say goodbye. I know there will never be closure. I just had decided to say my piece and move on the last time I see him. Now he is dangling this carrot and keeps me on my toes. Almost as if he knows I have become stronger and am close to moving on.

Thank you for being here BPD Family. Help me stay strong. I don't want to want him anymore :'(

[AG]

I broke NC too 

I feel sick to my stomach. He started to lure me into texting, with a harmless enough "how are you". I bit. Many texts later, and he led me to believe that he wanted to see me. I knew better. Still I ended up talking to him on the phone. Listening to him tell me how great he has been, how busy he is. Including tonight. I kept my calm. Told him to have a great night with his friends. He said he just wanted to talk to me (earlier he said he wanted to hear my voice) and see how I am doing (translation: see if I am still on the hook), and he will call me again sometime.

I know the disease, I know him, I even knew that chances were great that he was just checking up on his supply and not really going to go any further. I even made plans for myself tonight. Still, I was already anticipating holding him in my arms, and having my last rush of delight (I had decided that I would see him one more time and then be done... .) I am confessing this to you guys here. I guess if I had told him I missed him and really wanted to see him, he might have come over, but I was too rational. Kept my dignity. I know it's for the better, but I am still really shaken up. Why can't I stay NC? I just want my last hit and the chance to say goodbye. I know there will never be closure. I just had decided to say my piece and move on the last time I see him. Now he is dangling this carrot and keeps me on my toes. Almost as if he knows I have become stronger and am close to moving on.

Thank you for being here BPD Family. Help me stay strong. I don't want to want him anymore :'(

Doesn't matter if your wanting to see him deep down inside. The fact that you are admitting that here shows alot of self awareness. Even the fact that you are able to translate theyre bull ish shows the same. I was able to translate some of our email exchange as well. "I am happy now and feeling stronger and I want you to be happy as well please let go of the past like I have" = "I don't have a problem so theres no need for closure and now it is only you with the problem and you need fixing not me". I have been on BPD sites before and there are very and I mean very few of them who are self aware and working hard on themselves. Those ones usually stay by themselves and do some grueling work because they don't want to hurt others anymore. On the leaving board and even the staying board I do not see an ample supply of that type of BPD. It is literally like trying to find a needle inn a haystack. Mine was forced by the courts to get treatment and it is that fact that probably doesn't allow her to get better. Probably a logic of this was forced on me how dare they I am in pain and they treat me like a criminal. In order for them to really get better they would have to really admit "damn I have a problem and I need to get help for myself" walk themselves into therapy and get the work done. For the most part it seems that they are not about that life.


Yes you are also right about them feeling that you are getting stronger or smartening up. I do not think they like that. This is when they pull out all the stunts and water works to confuse you about your own logic. Mine knew I was vulnerable to fake suicide attempts but that is the extreme I think nothing is off limits to them to get what they want. They will say anything and do anything to keep you entangled. The "how are you" or "are you ok" is metaphorically speaking like dipping your feet in the water to see of it is too cold. It is cowardly and they play the pity party very well especially if you had the waif type like how I did. All that boundary setting ish that I see people trying to do on the staying boards seems almost futile. I didn't even know before I read about BPD that I was already setting boundaries over and over and over again. The thing is they continuously keep slamming a battering ram up against those boundaries once you set them and you keep having to reinforce them over and over an over again. Each time the bar keeps getting raised higher and higher to get through those boundaries. For myself two years the bar got raised all the way up to a fake suicide attempt with me having to rush her to the hospital and then there you have it she succesfully broke my barrier down completely. I now had the logic of "WOW Ag look what you did this is all your fault" and then the real fun started after that .

[myself]

My ex used all the tricks, too. More, when she saw me setting boundaries. She hated feeling so out of control. At the end she pulled far away again, thinking I would continue our pattern and chase her. But I didn't. Those bridges were burned. Inside my boundaries, I'm still an open person, but she would have to be honest to be with me now and she chooses not to. That can't happen while she still plays games. So these boundaries are actually keeping her away. I completely understand breaking NC, looking for answers, having gone back many times. Thinking this time friendship/love would prevail. But staying NC has helped clear away the FOG the most, which has helped me see and remain focused on the bigger picture. Which is this disorder trumps a healthy shared reality, and believing in myself trumps this disorder.

[amigo]

-" ... .Which is this disorder trumps a healthy shared reality, and believing in myself trumps this disorder."

so true, myself, thank you for reminding me.

And thank you AG for your response. I was thinking the same about testing the water with the "how are you" and all the subsequent texts: " I think I want to hear your voice",  "I wouldn't mind seeing you". Depending on my response he will come and engage in more drama, or seek it elsewhere. Since I didn't respond the way he wanted me to "Oh, I miss you so much! Please come over and abuse me sexually and verbally and take me for another loop! You are the greatest!", he let it go. He wants that full- on validation of his ego, and if it comes with a dose of realism from me, as in, I can see through your bulls.it, and I am not picking up the crumbs you are dropping for me, then he goes elsewhere. In the end this is better for me. I miss him less today. I am not waiting for a text from him, because he reminded me of his agenda. I will be good for a while again.

I guess I am setting my boundaries in my own way. Not very strong walls, but he's a coward and doesn't even want to climb that weak wall. Yes, better for me.

Going to yoga now. Thank you for helping me stay strong.