Knowing what I want in life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I saw my therapist yesterday and updated him on what's been going on in my life.

I'm working out, in six months I'm taking courses to get certified, and I'm going to live the lifestyle I feel is best for me in the long-run.

Great.

Still though, my issues lay mostly in self-esteem and confidence. Here's the thing, you can't have confidence in something you fail at consistently. That's called delusion. One of my biggest issues with self esteem is relationships. I've often felt I was never attractive enough. T says I look good, even though I'm overweight. But in my eyes, it's never good enough. My particular brand of good looks isn't attracting anyone. So then in an objective sense, I don't actually look good at all.

So he tells me "Once you find a career, you'll be putting yourself out there and someone will eventually like you." I guess it makes sense.

But here's where my view and what my T and parents have said differs. They tell me that someone can look past my weight. Honestly, I don't want a partner *looking past* my appearance. I don't ever want my future wife to tell this story: "Oh well I wasn't attracted to him at first, but then... ." No. Unacceptable. It's totally unacceptable to me. But the way I look now is not going to attract anyone. For a long time I just hated myself for it. It's why my self esteem is so low.

It brings me back to the confidence thing. People tell me to be confident in myself. That's telling a poor person to just get out and make money. Every time I hear it I want to punch the person telling me. Confidence is based on success and results. Without anything to back it up, you're just a delusional narcissist. So far, my results have been emotionally damaged women who cheated on me. I must be quite the catch to attract these women.

Now, I'm just thinking if I hate my body so much, I should actually do something about it. Yeah I've worked out and what not. But not with the kind of focus that I need to get real, lasting, long-term results. To be totally honest, I *want* to be one of those guys who take shirtless selfies and get away with it because they look good. They're attractive. They get what they want. I'm not, so I get nothing. There isn't someone for everyone, and my winning personality won't stop my wife from f***ing the hot guy at her job. Life is a competition and it's unfair. Love is an even harsher competition and even less fair. But maybe instead of lamenting being a loser (and yes, I am one,) I have no choice but to go out mold myself into a winner.

So the whole point of this? I'm getting a sense of what I want and who I am in life. I base my own value on my place in life, not on some inner-self nonsense. No, I'm not "just fine the way I am."

But there's things I can change and the only thing I can do is change them, make myself into what I want to be. I'm essentially resetting my life right now. I'm done pretending that I'm worth something despite my lack of having done anything. Time to get up and get sh** done. T says that my view of myself isn't right, that it's too harsh, that I'm too hard on myself. Guess what? My ex was hard on me. Bosses, clients, women will judge me harshly, and they won't judge me on my inner qualities. They'll judge me on objective things they can *see* with their own eyes. Only thing I can do is get it right.

For so long I was angry at the "survival of the fittest" model of life, how unfair and cruel it can be. F*** it, I'm embracing it now and all I can do is put in the work needed to be "fit." How did I end up with a borderline? Because better options weren't there, because I really wasn't and right now am not good enough for better. That's my role in ending up with a BPD.

[Vatz]

I saw my therapist yesterday and updated him on what's been going on in my life.

I'm working out, in six months I'm taking courses to get certified, and I'm going to live the lifestyle I feel is best for me in the long-run.

Great.

Still though, my issues lay mostly in self-esteem and confidence. Here's the thing, you can't have confidence in something you fail at consistently. That's called delusion. One of my biggest issues with self esteem is relationships. I've often felt I was never attractive enough. T says I look good, even though I'm overweight. But in my eyes, it's never good enough. My particular brand of good looks isn't attracting anyone. So then in an objective sense, I don't actually look good at all.

So he tells me "Once you find a career, you'll be putting yourself out there and someone will eventually like you." I guess it makes sense.

But here's where my view and what my T and parents have said differs. They tell me that someone can look past my weight. Honestly, I don't want a partner *looking past* my appearance. I don't ever want my future wife to tell this story: "Oh well I wasn't attracted to him at first, but then... ." No. Unacceptable. It's totally unacceptable to me. But the way I look now is not going to attract anyone. For a long time I just hated myself for it. It's why my self esteem is so low.

It brings me back to the confidence thing. People tell me to be confident in myself. That's telling a poor person to just get out and make money. Every time I hear it I want to punch the person telling me. Confidence is based on success and results. Without anything to back it up, you're just a delusional narcissist. So far, my results have been emotionally damaged women who cheated on me. I must be quite the catch to attract these women.

Now, I'm just thinking if I hate my body so much, I should actually do something about it. Yeah I've worked out and what not. But not with the kind of focus that I need to get real, lasting, long-term results. To be totally honest, I *want* to be one of those guys who take shirtless selfies and get away with it because they look good. They're attractive. They get what they want. I'm not, so I get nothing. There isn't someone for everyone, and my winning personality won't stop my wife from f***ing the hot guy at her job. Life is a competition and it's unfair. Love is an even harsher competition and even less fair. But maybe instead of lamenting being a loser (and yes, I am one,) I have no choice but to go out mold myself into a winner.

So the whole point of this? I'm getting a sense of what I want and who I am in life. I base my own value on my place in life, not on some inner-self nonsense. No, I'm not "just fine the way I am."

But there's things I can change and the only thing I can do is change them, make myself into what I want to be. I'm essentially resetting my life right now. I'm done pretending that I'm worth something despite my lack of having done anything. Time to get up and get sh** done. T says that my view of myself isn't right, that it's too harsh, that I'm too hard on myself. Guess what? My ex was hard on me. Bosses, clients, women will judge me harshly, and they won't judge me on my inner qualities. They'll judge me on objective things they can *see* with their own eyes. Only thing I can do is get it right.

For so long I was angry at the "survival of the fittest" model of life, how unfair and cruel it can be. F*** it, I'm embracing it now and all I can do is put in the work needed to be "fit." How did I end up with a borderline? Because better options weren't there, because I really wasn't and right now am not good enough for better. That's my role in ending up with a BPD.

[Aussie JJ]

Vatz,

I can relate to this, people telling me, get over it, be more confident.  I would love to punch them in the face at times 

Since I have moved on from exBPD I have made a lot of changes, lost 28 KG's now, still a bit chubby however I have really hurt my knees running so, I bought a bike.  Life throws up challenges, I cant run so ill ride to get fit.  I'll tell you something though, don't do it for 'them'.  Do it for yourself. 

Someone posted this AGES ago on the forums, I have copied it out and carry it with me at all times now along with a few other bits of paper, added a few lines that I thought were important, I encourage you to do the same.  If this helps you as it has helped me, enjoy.  BTW, I am proud to be a B@STARD!  It's all about boundary's and living YOUR life. 


When I stand up for myself, my friends, my family and my beliefs, you called me a BASTARD. 

When I stand up for those I love, you call me a BASTARD. 

When I speak my mind, think my thoughts, or do things my own way, you call me a BASTARD. 

Being a BASTARD entails wanting to raise my child to be a strong independent person with a solid sense of personal and social responsibility.  A child that will not be afraid to stand up for what he believes in and who he chooses to love and respect.  A child who will love and respect himself. 

Being a BASTARD means I am free to be the wonderful person that I am, with my own foibles, contradictions, quirks, intricacies and my own beauty. 

Being a BASTARD means I won’t compromise on what my heart and head tell me is true, my own wise mind. 

It means I live my life my way. 

It means I won’t be a door mat, won’t allow people to step on me. 

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am called as a BASTARD. 

The same thing happens when I take care of myself, instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish. 

I am proud to be that BASTARD. 

It means I have the courage, strength and conviction to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I should be. 

I am outspoken, opinionated, loyal and determined. 

I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that. 

So try to stop me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of my very being that I value so dearly. 

You won’t succeed. 

If that makes me a BASTARD, so be it.  I embrace that title and I am proud to be labelled it. 

I am a BASTARD!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with self-esteem and confidence. I share a similar experience with self-esteem. I lacked confidence and felt like things weren't working for me when I was depressed.

Confidence is based on success and results.

I'm persistent. I believe persistence drives the nails of success.

I *want* to be one of those guys who take shirtless selfies and get away with it because they look good. They're attractive. They get what they want. I'm not, so I get nothing.

I'm sorry you feel this way  My wife slept with another man and it hurt me deeply. I realized that she was feeling engulfed in the relationship. She was detaching and giving me the silent treatment. It wasn't my fault - it's a part of the disorder. It wasn't about my looks or my personality it was about her.

Time to get up and get sh** done. T says that my view of myself isn't right, that it's too harsh, that I'm too hard on myself. Guess what? My ex was hard on me. Bosses, clients, women will judge me harshly, and they won't judge me on my inner qualities. They'll judge me on objective things they can *see* with their own eyes. Only thing I can do is get it right.

I agree you are being hard on yourself. Can you cut yourself some slack?

For so long I was angry at the "survival of the fittest" model of life, how unfair and cruel it can be. F*** it, I'm embracing it now and all I can do is put in the work needed to be "fit." How did I end up with a borderline? Because better options weren't there, because I really wasn't and right now am not good enough for better. That's my role in ending up with a BPD.

I'm slim Vatz. I'm not fit or muscular. I ended up with a borderline too. She attached herself to my false-self. It wasn't about my looks - my replacement is not an attractive man. She attached herself to the projection identification - caretaker / white knight. She needs to feel "good". Her feeling good isn't long-term and the mirror starts to crack. She cannot sustain an inter-personal relationship - her issue. I'm sorry that she may of made you suffer with your self-esteem and confidence.

Having said that - there are good qualities about you for her to attach to you? What are the positive qualities that you have?

[Blimblam]

there is a pretty ancient axiom from esoterisism that goes, "so as above as below."  When you align the idea of who you want to be and how you want to live you life (as below), with a lifestyle that allows that possibility (as above) it can be a source of great power.  You are doing things in the "above" to find this confidence "below." So if you take this same concept and apply it to the conscious mind(above) and unconscious mind (below) you can align yourself on an even deeper level.

That is the thing is that there are always more layers that allows an above and a below.  It is the alignment of these layers that bring s balance and harmony. Narcisism I believe comes from taking confidence from outside of ones self.  When you project unconscious desires onto the actions and achievments in the world outside you and create a sense of identity from this... .that is what I believe is essentially narcissm when you take pride in this it can be a sourece of great confidence though narciistic .  It is doing the work of digging into ones unconscious to face fears attached to emotional repressed memories that reclaims the parts of yourself held captive to be aligned with your conscious awareness and I believe this to be how one finds authentic confidence derived from the true self.

[Tausk]

But the way I look now is not going to attract anyone. For a long time I just hated myself for it. It's why my self esteem is so low.

Hey V:  I understand.  But I'll say that for me, my body image wasn't why I lacked self-esteem.  It's the opposite, because I lacked self-esteem I found fault in so many areas.  Body image, wealth, manliness... .

I've had to lean into the pain and discover the essence/source of the discomfort.

I've had to find my core self.

I've had to find meaning in my life.

A fundamental question that I have to ask myself everyday is, "What is my purpose?"  And for me if I can't answer that question, I'm lost.  And when I can answer that question, I have enough self indentity, self esteem to live life in the manner I would like.

And it's a process

Be well,

T

[Vatz]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

Aussie JJ:

I like that thing about being called a BASTARD. Towards the end of the relationship, that was me. I just decided "fine, I'm the bad guy. I don't care if that's who I have to be to stop drinking your kool-aid." It was a really good passage, thanks. Also, gratz on the lost weight.

Mutt:

I don't know if I should cut myself some slack. I mean, I'm 26. Shouldn't I have accomplished some things in life? I started working out at 15, didn't know what I was doing until I was 19. It's been 7 years and I ended up heavier than I was in high school. Not a good look.

As for positive qualities, she always liked it when I benched her. She'd lay on my hands and I'd squeeze off a few reps. I think it was one thing she genuinely enjoyed. She gained some weight and I hadn't worked out so last year I wasn't quite able to do it. Honestly, she never once no matter how black she painted me, ever say I was bad in bed. Not sure if she kept it inside, or if it was real. The anxiety about that is that I'm afraid a non will judge me harsher in that department than she did. Nons are healthier, therefore the bar is higher. She often said I made her laugh, but sometimes my humor got her mad because I was trying to cheer her up when things were bad. Sometimes she'd snap at me. Eventually I just wanted to back off and not bother because every single crisis required some different method of diverting the problem. I was sick of being a bomb-disposal guy in my own relationship. F*** the red wire. As for cheating on me because I wasn't attractive enough, The Red Queen says it all.

Blimblam:

I understand what you mean by finding the confidence within, but it's not that simple. I have to prove myself before I can safely say "Yes, that skill-set/ability is something I have. I can use it to blah blah." Honestly, when you zoom out a little, the truth is our value is the value others place on us I.E. external sources. Doesn't matter what we think in the end. Someone's trying to beat you to death, they don't exactly value your life. Doesn't matter what you think. They won't stop, because you're ___ to them, because some little snot couldn't handle a little embarrassment so he sends out his big brother or cousin to ___ you up for him, someone bigger, older, and probably a psychopath. I was like 9 and this guy was probably 15. That guy that beat me, if I could get away with it, I'd break all his limbs with a smile on my face. His value is nothing to me, as mine was to him. He was ___ then, he's probably still a psychopath now. At any time your life can depend on someone stronger and better than you, when you're at their mercy, tell me how valuable you feel. Depending on what circles, and individuals, our value is dependent on the group/person who is relating to us. Not cynicism, just the way it is.

Tausk:

At my core I'm a kind-hearted and loving person. The sort of person that drowns in his senses. Textures, sounds, even movement bring me joy, as if my internal volume is turned up a notch higher. I've some bad traits too. I'm in touch with my violent self. Took years to finally channel it into something constructive. I... .uh... I used to hurt other kids when I was little. Not just punches either, I'd sort of go into a frenzy, but I'd be aware of all my actions at the time. It could have been because when I first came to the U.S I couldn't understand any kids and it always felt like they looked down on me. So I liked to fight. Somewhere deep down there's that person that just lives for that sort of adrenaline. Maybe it's life experiences, maybe I'm predisposed (my mom was known throughout her school days as a troublemaker, her sister liked fighting too.) Point is, I'm multidimensional at my core, like anyone else I have an array of positive and negative traits. I took the negative and channel them into something nice. Hell, when I wrestled my ex for a knife (to prevent her from further self-mutilation,) or restrained her after catching her cutting her wrist, part of me was enjoying the struggle. That's probably not good, but it helped me get through it. I don't really feel at all traumatized by that particular event because, well it wasn't so bad for me. It was the potential fallout that kept me on edge.

As for my purpose? I have none. It's sort of arrogant, I believe, to think the universe actually has some sort of design in mind just for me. My "purpose" is the same basic purpose of any living organism. Everything else is just grey-matter. That's how I see it.


Sorry for the wall of text. If any of this is TMI, seriously please tell me. I need to learn to adjust how to relate to people, IE what's appropriate and what isn't. I'm always self-calibrating.

[Blimblam]

vatz,

I grew up with an about 10 year older than me psychopath half brother.  Tormented emotionally and physically day in day out for over a decade. I know exactly how it feels. I internalized a lot of the negative energy he projected onto me to doubt myself.  Those form deep seated internal beliefs in my unconscious.  He is not even around anymore but by internalizing how I value by someone outside of me It caused me great suffering.  To perform for others to validate oneself to find self worth is  essentially narcissistic. Im not saying it is good or bad. It gives too much of your own personal power away. 

To go within and self reflect is scary and uncomfortable.  WHen you do face those fears though you have an opportunity to reclaim the parts of yourself.  WHen you do that you have an opportunity to change your internal beliefs of self worth. It is not easy at all it is incredibly difficult hard work. That takes a lot of time. 

[charred]

Lost sight of what I wanted in life... let the first big BPD r/s crash burn and take my confidence away.

Slowly regained quite a bit of it, lost a job, was contacted by my exBPDgf... and jumped at the chance to experience hell again.

Instead of crashing the same way the second go round... I grabbed at learning to feel again... saw a T and came to understand my life.

Now I know how I got here, and what made it so hard... and the answer is easy to understand but hard to do.

For most my life, I have been a survivor, living in survival mode and pursuing images of what I thought I wanted. At times my ego was built up and I did well, at other times I was dejected and felt devastated and like I had no hope. Always putting off living today for some dream of Tommorow, that I now know wasn't even my real dreams, just some childhood images... to try to please other people by being what they seemed to want me to be.

Failing, accepting myself as I am, relaxing, learning to breath and feel again... giving up on trying to be numb... that is what is needed. Being and enjoying it, not "trying" or "doing". That is the thing that I suppressed as a kid growing up with parents with PD's... that is what led me to supress me and try to be someone I am not.

That is all there is to it

[Vatz]

*Facepalm.*

Blimblam,

That's right! I remember reading one of your posts I think yesterday, about exactly that experience you had. You know that moment when you tell someone someone a fact, and they already knew it? Yeah. But worse. Sorry.

I think actually I'm getting a better picture of what you meant, though. With a bit of context and the explanation I'm sorta seeing something.

Right okay, but how did you "go within?" I know more or less what I am, so how do I actually dig deeper into fears and all that other stuff? You know, the stuff that's keeping me from changing my view. My belief in external objective measures of value, I find it impossible to challenge. I think the only example is someone who has unwavering belief in god. No matter what you tell them, they still won't believe otherwise. I don't really *see* any other way. So many things happened in my life that align with my point of view. I wasn't always like this, I think. But it became the way I see things because of what had happened. Physical violence, rejection, betrayal, abuse. If my belief is rooted in some sort of subconscious fear, what then? I've heard people telling me about really looking in, but I haven't the slightest clue. I look at things that happened, how I behaved when they did, where, etc. When I put all those pieces together, I get a sense of it all.

What fears am I not facing?

Maybe the question is moot, because it's not something you can answer. Which makes the whole thing that much harder to understand and do.

charred,

I envy you. I don't think I've really truly relaxed in a long time. In relationships, I don't have trust. I just assume something's either going on, or about to. Hell, a simple "I love you," after a point... .I just started to think as she was saying the words, she was thinking of how she and someone else were together. I also have a hard time believing that "who I really am" is all that important (refer to external measures of worth.) I don't know, can't see it. Don't know the feeling. I can't let go of the mistrust, without it I'm vulnerable. If I trust someone, they can easily exploit it, I constantly feel as if I *must* stay a step ahead. Not willing to let that go, the price seems too high.

[Mutt]

Vatz I hear you loud and clear and I agree. The hardest step is the first one. Pat yourself on the back   You're right having goals is good and my advice is - it takes time and be patient with yourself. Keep your eyes on the prize. I get it with having anxieties with non-disordered. Be yourself.

Share what feels comfortable for you. It's your journey and everyone's here to listen and help with the things that you need help with. You are doing fine.

I like your quote by the way. It's so true 

A Bar-bell a day, keeps the depression at bay.

[Blimblam]

vatz,

therapists jobs are to assist you in doing that inner work and look within. They are trained professionals and finding a good one is probably the easiest way to do it.  

Buddhist meditation practices like mindfulness, calming meditation, vipassana meditation are practices that are taught to do that sort inner core work. As a sort of self help route that has been around for thousands of years.

There is no one way to do it.

You have to  put yourself in a state of vulnerable open mindedness and challenge all of your inner beliefs. Challenge your own inner authority.  The "inner critic" or "punitive parent" that is judgemental.  

I did a lot of that work before earlier in my life and found my own inner source of confidence. The problem was I looked for validation for who I was in my Love relationships and I got lost again. Giving the power of validation of self away is probably the most potentially damaging thing you can do to yourself. I think it is the main reason 90% of us are on this site.

WHen I think back it is hard to remember but there were a few tenants I used personally to do my own inner self reflection work.  As above so below.  Namaste= recognize the you that is I. who am I?, Why do I believe that? How did I come to believe that? what do I think that means? the Microcosm of the Macrocosm. The concept of yin yang. Why do I do the things that I do? WHat am I trying to prove who I am by doing this? Am I trying to prove this to others or to myself?

I noticed when I would do this stuff and ask myself these questions I lied to myself a lot. The foundations of my reality were built on lies and sources outside of me informing me of who I am supoced to be and the shame and guilt of not being that was my source of suffering. Like charred noted it was the act of trying to be something or doing things to prove I am that which took me out of the moment of actually just being.

[Ihope2]

Dear Vatz

It is hard not to focus on the outside appearance, because to a lot of the world out there, especially in Western society, it seems like the exterior appearance of a person is all that there is.

I am a 45 year old woman, who has spent a good 25+ years of her life chasing a certain body image. I am not that into fashion and clothing and make up and hairstyles, but I wanted a thin, athletic body.  I was anorexic for most of my late teens and twenties, and then I discovered endurance sport.  I pursued this image of fitness and leanness as if my life depended on it.  I cannot say how many hours I have spent of my life literally on the run, and running in circles!  I trained for marathons, ultramarathons (did some 89kms ultras) and ironman.  And guess what, I still did not feel good enough.  Despite all my endurance events, multistage trail running events, ultramarathons, ironmans, long distance swimming competitions, cycling races, I still was left with - just me. Inauthentic self me, lost lonely little child me.

I am not saying that physical activity has no merits, I think it is all part and parcel of a healthy life.  But the exterior is not all there is.  What about our soul?  We are spiritual beings, caught up in temporary human bodies.  The body is but a mere fraction of who we really are. 

By all the means, the body is the temple of the soul, but that is all it is.