It is such a relief to find out what the issue is and that there are people who know exactly where I am and how I feel.
Before we found out, it was like stumbling around in the dark, not knowing which way to turn, what to think, whether to keep trying or stop trying, etc.
My main focus at this point is to determine the best way to separate and divorce her. Once that is done, I want to turn the focus to myself so I do not repeat this destructive pattern in my life.
Very, very carefully. This will likely be your most monumental task ever.
Once you are reasonably protected (you have an experienced lawyer, you have ways to document you're not the one misbehaving in case allegations are made, crucial documents and accounts are preserved, etc) then you can start setting firm boundaries of behavior. Be aware she may never respect your boundaries, so they will probably end up being boundaries for you to apply for yourself.
For example, if your spouse rages, then consider your options. You may choose to leave until she calms down. Leave with the children if at all possible, maybe say you'll take them out for a meal or treat, etc. Be aware that if you call emergency responders that she'll likely be composed by the time they arrive and she'll claim you are the one abusing, raging or whatever. That's why it is wise to quietly record yourself (and whoever is present) so you can defend yourself from false allegations.
There is a Staying board here but I have come to view it as the "Staying For Now" board since staying usually doesn't depend upon us, it depends primarily on whether the disordered person will respond and improve. If the person doesn't stop the Denial and Blame-Shifting, doesn't get into intensive therapy, doesn't apply it diligently in thinking and behaviors, doesn't stick with it long term, well, then the relationship has no healthy and functional future and there are only two choices: (1) continue appeasing and reacting or (2) determine whether it's time to be proactive and unwind the relationship.
I noticed in my case and with many here who divorced that a disordered spouse generally... .
- is overly entitled and controlling
- is easily triggered and easily overreacts
- has little or no compunction against lying
- will allege literally anything to retaliate and reject you
- will allege literally anything to make you look worse than her
- will project her poor behaviors onto you
- will blame and shift blame
- etc
