its a lonely place

[willtimeheal]

 I figured I could cry or I could post here so i decided to post and vent a little. My gf has been seeing a therapist for a few months now for her BPD.  I have been in therapy for a few years trying to deal with the rollercoaster ride. We have both changed in the past few months. My gf has slipped into a depression. Her therapist says it's normal. But with this depression she doesn't want to do anything we hardly see each other. I am lonely. I miss her and I miss the kids. She just stays at her house or her mom's all the time with the kids. I want her to get better and I want to support her but it is a really lonely road. I feel like I am an after thought. Like I don't matter. I can't tell her that cuz then I am adding more pressure to her. Does anyone else just feel like they are all alone?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

It's very true that when someone is depressed, he/she shuts everyone else out. Depression is a very lonely place for the depressed, and for all the loved ones around him/her. Both my adult (37) son who is diagnosed with BPD and my Husband, who has BPD traits, have dealt with depression. Sometimes they have curled up in the fetal position in bed for days on end, their last thought is about other people and their needs or emotions or feelings of being lonesome without their company. Depression is awful for the sufferer and their loved ones. Very lonely place... .

And tonight it is really put into sharp focus by the death of Robin Williams. Depression is really tragic; I hope that your girlfriend is able to pull out of hers soon. It's great that she has a Therapist; is she on any medications for it? Is she actually diagnosed as Clinically Depressed, and being treated for that? Or, is she being treated for the BPD and the Dr. thinks the depression is a result of that and not needing treatment? If it lasts a while, maybe her Dr. will consider treating her for it specifically... .After the BPD diagnosis and treatments for that, my son's diagnosis of Clinical Depression has been downgraded (he's medicated for it, too); he's a whole lot better and pulls out of it very quickly now.

My Husband's is cyclical, and he isn't being treated for it or medicated for it. He just toughs it out, and we all have to tough it out along with him 

[Caredverymuch]

I figured I could cry or I could post here so i decided to post and vent a little. My gf has been seeing a therapist for a few months now for her BPD.  I have been in therapy for a few years trying to deal with the rollercoaster ride. We have both changed in the past few months. My gf has slipped into a depression. Her therapist says it's normal. But with this depression she doesn't want to do anything we hardly see each other. I am lonely. I miss her and I miss the kids. She just stays at her house or her mom's all the time with the kids. I want her to get better and I want to support her but it is a really lonely road. I feel like I am an after thought. Like I don't matter. I can't tell her that cuz then I am adding more pressure to her. Does anyone else just feel like they are all alone?   

I am so sorry for how you are feeling Willt. I admire your dedication and your love for your partner and devoted willingness to learn about the disorder and to try to depersonalize so much which feels very personal. Remember, it is not personal even in the harder days. It is a disorder and I hope the days ahead are a bit better for your partner and your family. You do matter. Even in the loneliness  .

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for your responses and or taking the time to respond. Her therapist has stated she should consider going back on her meds but at this time she she doesn't want to. She has PTSD as do I but I am medicated and I am in therapy also. Plus my childhood was normal by standards and hers was a nightmare. My PTSD is from our relationship. Hers is from her entire life.

I just don't know how to help. I give her the time and space she needs. But at the same time I am lonely and becoming depressed. I can feel her drifting away. And that makes me depressed and sad. She used to tell me every thing. Now she tells her brother who isn't the person she should confide in. He has so many issues and is mentally ill. It scares me.

[willtimeheal]

We had lunch yesterday. Wow is she a different person.  I haven't seen her in two weeks. She is so depressed. Her affect is flat she doesn't want to leave the house she doesn't sleep and there is no sparkle or joy in her eyes. It is so sad.

She blames me. She said she will never be the person I want her to be. That I hold her to to high a standard. She just wants to be herself and drink and relax. She said she is thinking of quitting therapy. Therapy has gotten to the point where she has to make changes and this is a deciding long for her ... .fight or quit. I told her the only thing I want is for her to be happy. She then said I don't know what I want. I was upfront and said I know exactly what I want it is her that doesn't know. And she said she doesn't.

At any point will I not be the bad guy?  Will I not be the person to blame for her screwed up life?  I don't think she will ever know happiness. But I will not allow that to drag me down anymore. I want to live not retreat.

[Hawk Ridge]

I unfortunately get it too.  My partner left me in March after 1.5 years.  During the several months prior to her "falling out of love with me," she slept almost 5 hours every afternoon.  Her eyes... .they weren't her anymore and she jumped on and demeaned everything I said or did. It got to the point my hands would shake and I would drop things. I too am seeing a therapist for PTSD and my depression was mild and manageable before... .it is now pretty difficult.  I cry almost every day  Now, I go to work just to stop thinking, wishing I could have done something different... .I just don't know what that would have been. 

She became involved with someone else within 2 months and I accidentally discovered her online post on a dating website so I don't know how long she had been planning to leave while we sat in silence for all those months.  She would be able to maintain in public but start on me the minute we were alone.  She didn't have a great capacity to consistently maintain a loving partnership after the first three months so I have to wonder how long she and her rebound relationship will last.

Despite the estrangement and, what I have hated to admit, emotional abuse, I want to return but not the way it was, with her untreated and taking the wrong medication for her depression.   We have maintained contact "as friends" via email on occasion. She says she loves me, "dear friend."   I was very kind to her during our relationship and after our break up, partially out of hopes we would reunite at some point and, importantly, I know the trauma she has gone through so I believe and know she deserves my compassion.  I am currently working on letting go and letting God take care of her mental health and this situation while I get my strength and resilience back. If I am blessed to get another chance and she were willing to... .to seek some type of treatment, then it ... .well, that's my hope because she was the love of my life... .and, when it was rough, I was never lonelier in a relationship.  We both deserve to have treated mental health and lead a happier life. 

I get it and that's why I am in Staying, or as I like to think of it, getting back. 

[Samuel S.]

Yep, I'm alone with my BPDw, too, and I've been married to her for the last 13 years. She went from being very lovey dovey to the opposite extreme big time. And damm, it hurts big time! To top it all off, she's going to be gone for the next 4 days on vacation mostly with her D17. BTW, my BPDw has only said "good morning", "good night", and mid-afternoon phone calls for more than a year now.