Master manipulator, master manipulatee...

[willy45]

Just venting here... .

My ex is just such a master manipulator. I am now back in the FOG for sure and in excruciating pain.

When we spoke last week, after telling me that she will never find anyone who understands her like I do and blah, blah, blah, she asks me if we can best friends again. I told her I had to think about it. A week goes by and I email her saying we needed to talk. Her response: "As long as you don't break my heart again by telling me we can't talk".

Ack. I fall for this stuff all the time. So manipulative... .Because I don't want to talk to her. Being 'best friends' makes no sense to me. And now I have to 'break her heart' again. It's nonsensical. And then when we talked, she kept telling me that we didn't have to talk if it hurt me or I found it too difficult but I could take my time to decide because I was in the drivers seat. It's not like I haven't told her that a million times before. And she is the one that keeps contacting me, not the other way around.

It's like this:

Me: Please don't contact me, it is too hurtful.

Her: OK. I will respect that. But I will contact you.

Me: IGNORE

Her: Calls obsessively. Reaches me. Tells me that it is my choice of whether or not to be in contact and she doesn't want to hurt me. Just don't 'break my heart' by telling me we can't be in contact.

What the heck... .And people wonder why I'm so messed up? I can't wrap my head around this at all.

[thereishope]

I'm feeling like crap this morning and like I want to vent to, so I will add mind to this message string... .

I'm sorry for the manipulation and mind games you are dealing with.  It truly is a twisted insane thing to deal with and I understand completely the feeling that I "just can't wrap my head around all this"... .I said to myself yesterday, "This is just TOO MUCH for my head".

With me, I am still in a r/s (if you can call it that) with uBPDh... .at the place of trying to figure out "what to do" while juggling the "good times" and the "bad times". Had a great great week last week, Saturday he took me on an amazing motorcycle ride to a few places he knew I'd love... .some great love-y moments and days... .He's been "way more patient" with me, trying to bite his tongue, not be mean, etc... .

Then last night I frustrated him with something... .he "was working on only 3 hours of sleep"... .I "shouldn't have known and not chased him out to the truck to ask if he was ok... .", etc... .  I was being "fake", talking "bulls... .t", never exclaimed to the world how much I love him like I did with exhubby years ago on a blog... .He thought I might've proclaimed it after he gave me that great day on Saturday... .  Basically, I think, and I believe he thinks I just can't/don't love him like he loves me... . 

I called my parents for prayer... ."not the wisest move"... .Now my dad wants to talk with him... .and somehow I  am left feeling this morning like ALL OF THIS IS ALLLL MY FAULT... .Oh how tired I am of the head warpingness of BPD!

God help us... .that's all I've got to say... .

I'm sorry for your pain... .you're not alone.

[LettingGo14]

Willy --

Yes -- there is FOG, and there is pain.  I am sorry you are hurting.

"You" remain the answer, however.  Not her.   You give her power.   Period.

Only you can decide what is right for you.  Full contact, limited contact, or no contact.

I know you are suffering.  I know it is painful.  

I know she keeps contacting you -- but you give her the meaning.  If she was a persistent telemarketer, it would not impact you.  But, because you give her meaning, it hurts you.

It's time for you to own you, Willy.  

[Blimblam]

wily,

Im sorry that must be so tough to draw that line when she sharts all over it like that.

She has a serious mental illness it is why she does these things.  Do what you need to do for yourself to heal. Whether you want her in your life one day or not.  For now you need to heal. Create the space you need foryourself to heal and be true to yourself in what you need to accomplish that. Your gut is telling you what you need, you already know. Listen to it believe in it. I believe you know what you need to do. Believe in yourself man.

blim

[willy45]

Yup. I know.

I don't want her in my life. Not like this.

[willy45]

Yeah. This is the worst. Feeling all the panic back and the confusion. It is like I have to break up with her over and over and over again. For 2 years now. Why does she want a 'friendship'? I don't get it. But I guess I don't have to. I need to focus on what I want. A 'friendship' is not at all what I want.

Her reasoning is that how can we start a relationship again if we can't start a friendship. Fair enough. But that pre-supposes that I want a relationship (I guess that is where my struggle is) and also presupposes that I trust her in any shape or form for her to know what she wants and can be consistent about it (I don't trust her in the least).

Blah.

[camuse]

There are lots of threads about why they want a friendship so badly. Mine did, and I found many similar stories.

The friendship will involve you being used as required. Why would you want that?

I'm very glad I went NC with mine before she announced her new relationship - she didn't get the chance to discard me when she'd got him hooked.

Don't give her the chance to do it to you either.