I painted x black 3YRS NC alienated my kid

[nona]

wow that was simple to write.

now what.

email only contact with shared custody.

3 years email only has only kept him escalating and actively alienating our D10

I now have hundreds of crazy emails,and normal sounding emails.

I pushed UBPDx away so hard, with so much anger locked inside , my emotions have pushed d toward him, cause he is happy go lucky smily guy on the outside.

d10 can call him every night and talk like normal, but refuses to talk to me when she is at UBPDX's house.

I have a few threads here about the alienation.

I want to do best for d.

I did not learn about BPD till after the extinction burst and i was painted black.

The first year I was in shock, the second angery.

I never really got to use the tools

and am still being pinted black and ostrasized.

basically abused and devalued through emails.

using the tools felt like trying to manipulate.

I feel so stuck.

still angry AND defended, because he IS alienating D. she is in bad shape.

How do I shift this?

How do I make nice when I am being abused ambientk\ly still.

how do I accept, when he is tuning d against me.

he is HUGE bully still and using all to control and abuse.

what tools work in my situation?

[nona]

Bumping

Help !

Mods?

You experienced ones here ready for inventory.

thx

[pilgrim]

I'm also in the situation of kids alienated against me by uBPD ex.  Read Divorce Poison.  Read it again.

Be proactive, not passive in the face of this.

We owe to our kids to battle against the alienation process.  It's a form of emotional abuse, both in the tactics used by the alienating parent and in the result of removing target parent from the child's life.

I'm reading Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome now and it's a needed wakeup call.  It went under the radar to me for years, but I'm onto it now.  I hope it's not too late and can be reversed.

Good luck to you.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I fear this, as well.  But if it happens, there is nothing I can do about it.  I can just do my best to avoid contributing to it.  And right now, the only thing you can do is move foward with what you have and where you are at and what you can control.

How do you shift this?  Well, what can you do and what can you control?

Suggestions:

1. Save all abusive emails.  You could probably do something legally to stop him, but that may be for naught.  Up to you.  However, you can use proper boundaries when he sends you an abusive email.  For example, if he sends you something that tears you down, tell him that you stopped reading it and deleted it once you saw that he was being rude and disrespectful.  Reply and say, "I stopped reading once I saw that you were not doing anything productive but only focusing on tearing me down.  Was there something important about our D that you wanted to ask or tell me?"  And yes, really don't read them.  Reading his crap and getting all upset about it is exactly what he wants.  Why read them?  Just in case you miss something important?  Let it be his job to communicate better.  He's the one with the problem in this situation.  He can be the one who calms down and writes you back a short message that focuses on your child.  Will he?  Probably not at first.  Hopefully in time he will learn.

2. You don't need to "make nice" with him.  You need to interact with him for the sake of the kid, so you bring a calm, non-emotional presence to the table.  You treat it like a business interaction.  He is out of line, so you disengage and disregard ANYTHING he says unless it is a) kind or b) about your child.  It is noise, nothing more.  Not that this is necessarily a good motive for it, but imagine his face when you stop reacting to his abusive words.  The one who needs to "make nice" is him.

3. Have you talked to an attorney about if there is anything legally you can do about parental alienation?  He is alienating your child as a way to hurt you (obviously).  He is too selfish to see that he is hurting your child, and he is too insecure to allow you to have an equal place in you child's life.  Everything has to be a competition.  The best thing you can do, emotionally, is NOT react to it.  You cannot control what he does.  Yes, it will hurt, but you cannot control it.  And the more you emotionally react to it, the more you play into the picture he is trying to paint for himself, for you, and for your child.  Refuse to compete with him.  It only reinforces his game.  You aren't there to compete.  You are there to be a mom.  Period.

4. Acceptance is something both chosen and learned.  On one hand, what he is doing is unacceptable.  But on the other hand, it is happening.  So what you can do is be a good mom to your D regardless of what she thinks of you.  When she is older, she will see it.  Focus on things you can do and can control.  You cannot control what he does.  You cannot control what she thinks.  But you can control how you react.  You can control what you do to be her mom.  You can control what kind of communication you will read, listen to, and respond to.  You can control what happens in YOUR home.  I make my home a home of peace.  My kids appreciate it.  The best thing you can do for your daughter, regardless of outcomes, is make sure that every time she is around you she is loved, taught respect (ie. do NOT walk on eggshells with her if she becomes disrespectful, even if she runs and complains to daddy), and embraced in peace without you being all wrapped up in what her dad is doing and might do next.  In other words, somehow you have to transcend his crap, though it hurts, and take advantage of the small opportunities.  

You are planting seeds.  Time will allow them to grow.  :)on't expect a full harvest immediately, and don't panic when the crows fly over and appear to dig some of them up.  That is a fact of parenting, in general, but it is doubly true here.

My sister went through this with her likely NPD ex.  He completely alienated the daughter, and she still can be rude to her mom and favor her daddy.  Part of that is because it is her daddy and she is a little girl.  But it has gotten better over time.  You just need to be the stable one who is not constantly wrapped up in the other parent.  Easier said than done.  Are you working with a T?

And I know this seems impossible, but come to a point where you forgive him.  He is a fool, a sad fool.  But he's just a man.  It may seem like you can hide it, but bitterness shows itself on our faces.  My kids can feel the tension when they know I am angry and bitter with their mother.