can pwBPD lie about their past relationships n make them sound happier to hurt u

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my SO has started saying very clearly that our relationship is '___' and several kinds of ways.i feel hurt and a failure that our relationship is waning into nothingness,perhaps because i have a major problem when conversing with anyone,im sick with pain that i failed at this,feel quite disabled and unconvinced that i can have a happy r/s with ANYONE!

i have social anxiety.

what i want to ask is that do pwBPD portray their past relationships in a beautiful light when the present one is dysfunctioning? to let the other person know quite nicely that its their fault or hurt them?

my SO said that he was with a girl for one year and they NEVER had any problems,she was very unstable financially and the sole breadwinner for her family,but she was always cheerful and making light of troubles,at which point he started to cry and i suspected he just missed her  :'(

he then went on about the next relationship  which he said lasted for a year,before he moved here,he said he had some problems with her because he felt she could be selfish sometimes,but the r/s was overall good.

i had myself asked him to tell me about his past r/s after an argument,which by then had calmed down.

in every argument he says our r/s is a waste of time,a failure,not satisfactory.

can someone give an opinion if a pwBPD  might describe their past relationships as great if the current one is not good enough for them,even if the past ones had problems. or do they tell the truth and just let you know its your fault?

[stuckgirl]

my SO has started saying very clearly that our relationship is '___' and several kinds of ways.i feel hurt and a failure that our relationship is waning into nothingness,perhaps because i have a major problem when conversing with anyone,im sick with pain that i failed at this,feel quite disabled and unconvinced that i can have a happy r/s with ANYONE!

i have social anxiety.

what i want to ask is that do pwBPD portray their past relationships in a beautiful light when the present one is dysfunctioning? to let the other person know quite nicely that its their fault or hurt them?

my SO said that he was with a girl for one year and they NEVER had any problems,she was very unstable financially and the sole breadwinner for her family,but she was always cheerful and making light of troubles,at which point he started to cry and i suspected he just missed her  :'(

he then went on about the next relationship  which he said lasted for a year,before he moved here,he said he had some problems with her because he felt she could be selfish sometimes,but the r/s was overall good.

i had myself asked him to tell me about his past r/s after an argument,which by then had calmed down.

in every argument he says our r/s is a waste of time,a failure,not satisfactory.

can someone give an opinion if a pwBPD  might describe their past relationships as great if the current one is not good enough for them,even if the past ones had problems. or do they tell the truth and just let you know its your fault?

[Blimblam]

Stuck girl if ur So is in fact BPD then it is not your fault and it is nothing personal. The hope they will be something they are not is by definition insanity. I am sorry you are feeling so much pain.  They trully hoped they could change it was real just as real as this new side they how you.  Acceptance is key here but incredibly difficult. Your love and who you are is good enough. Nonetheless this experience will be painfull a pain not much else in this life can compare too

[maxsterling]

Yeah, when she is in a rage.  I will hear her say "All my other previous boyfriends xyz so why can't you?"  My thought?  If those previous boyfriends were so great, why aren't you still with one of them?

It's pure projection.  Think about it.  If his exes were so much better than you, why was he still single when he met you?  And I'm willing to bet that at times he praises them, while other times he has badmouthed them as abusive, immature, or "emotionally unavailable".  Am I right? 

He's doing it to manipulate you.  Maybe not consciously, but that's what he is doing.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry this is hard stuckgirl. My wife said she felt amazing when she left. The problem was gone (me) and the kids were in a healthy relationship with her bf. She introduced him immediately after leaving.

It's all distortion. That's her distorted belief system. The truth is she has a serious disorder. She feels wonderful because she attached herself to her bf's false self - the good that he mirrors. Our mirror had cracked long before she left and she can't cope if she can't feel good. She lacks a sense of self - I became a trigger when her anger was reflected back. My anger, frustration at her acting out and circular arguments, blaming etc. No it is not healthy introducing a partner immediately to the kids. They have their own issues to deal with in separation.

He is stuck in a perpetual cycle. What happened to you, happened to others. It's relieving his core trauma through others and wanting  others to parent him. He needs to fix himself. He is projecting his part of the r/s on you because he can't cope with guilt and shame and feeling bad. He wants to feel "good". He is distorting. The pendulum swings back and forth - idealization to devaluation. All were put on a pedestal and eventually knocked off.

[mitchell16]

yes they can. I beleive its used to make you insecure, to make you feel like a failure, etc... when I first met mine, in the beginning she told me all teh horror stories about her ex's. One was perverted according to her, and all he did was watch porn and want to watch her have sex with other men, the next one was addicted to crack, a drunk, crazy jealous control freak, the one before me was controling, jealous and anger issues, didnt pay his child support and broke in her house. this is what she told me and then she told me how she prayed to god to send her a man just like me hmmmmmm.

as we progress, the first at various times was the love of her life and he was never questions her or didnt trust, he was the best. The second one she never praised him but she always went back to him in between relationships, so must of not been to bad. The before me when I caught her sneaking around and conatcted him and I asked why she woudl want to since he treated her so bad. she said well at one time we were the best of friends of ahd a lot fun together. so yes they do.

I cant wait to hear what she says about me.

[myself]

My ex changed her stories so many times I wasn't sure who was good or bad, who was worse than who, who was still around for more. Inflated this, deflated that, got lost along the way. If she didn't even get it, how would I ever understand? Asking questions was out of the question. "Pay no attention to the pwBPD behind the curtain." When you're disordered, and that disconnected with yourself, you're not really connecting with anyone else, either. Which kind of makes every relationship seem like a lie. She said so many untrue things about me, completely rewriting whole segments of our relationship, she's probably done the same with others. And yes often just to rub our faces in it instead of facing herself. Besides, are pwBPD ever 'happy'?

[stuckgirl]

Yeah, when she is in a rage.  I will hear her say "All my other previous boyfriends xyz so why can't you?"  My thought?  If those previous boyfriends were so great, why aren't you still with one of them?

It's pure projection.  Think about it.  If his exes were so much better than you, why was he still single when he met you?  And I'm willing to bet that at times he praises them, while other times he has badmouthed them as abusive, immature, or "emotionally unavailable".  Am I right? 

He's doing it to manipulate you.  Maybe not consciously, but that's what he is doing.

thanks everyone for replying

,i realized it that he was idealizing his past relationships at a level but still cannot really believe he can call our relation ,sh it ,a failure,waste of time and bs to my face. he used to love me,he says he does when a burst of affection ensues but actions speak louder than words anyway. he was being extremely mean today and although i tried to prevent it,i suddenly broke down completely,because it struck me that i loved a heartless person,suddenly he was the soothing guy,the one who told me not to be upset,to not to be silly,that he was sorry... .but im sure these were just words that he's going to tell me in an opposite way sometime.

during an argument he told me you're fed up of me,it could be projection too?,

i said you yourself are fed up of me and he didnt text anything in reply to that.

he for some reason he never lets me talk about his exes,if i do,he says a sudden 'shut up' i have never known why he does that,after which i tell him to sod himself.

but the point still remains he doesnt love me,yet im stuck in a cycle with his roller coaster behaviour .

thanks for the support everyone,i feel better knowing im not THAT much of a failure.

i was talking to him for stabilising this crazy behaviour for a bit and i tried discussing a politician we both (all of our country) admires for his work,i talked about a particular speech,he got really agressive towards the guy

(his idol actually) saying disgusting names,i said why are you calling him that,he said because he's been bought by bribery and also because you like him and it makes me jealous.

i wanted to say dammit at least hide your craziness from me ,i could have strangled him just then but we had just gotten out of a fight i let it go.

[Mutt]

he for some reason he never lets me talk about his exes,if i do,he says a sudden 'shut up' i have never known why he does that,after which i tell him to sod himself.

He doesn't want you to have the opportunity to call him on his lying. Telling you to "shut up" is fear in FOG.

,i feel better knowing im not THAT much of a failure.

You are not a failure in any measure stuckgirl

"Winners lose more than losers. They win and lose more than losers, because they stay in the game"

~ Terry Paulson