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Author Topic: What's the worst part for you?  (Read 3423 times)
qwaszx
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« on: August 13, 2014, 07:23:21 PM »

For me it's giving up, I feel like giving up in the hope that she can't change even if she's wanted to is the worst part in all of this... "the illness always wins" i know is made for us to see the rational acceptance of this disorder, for us to let go and move on, I just want to believe there is hope for everyone, that this label isn't the end, I would understand if she ended it, it's horrible... .and there's nothing she can do about it, nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, other then support them... I really miss her. I wish there was more we could do...
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2014, 07:33:24 PM »

Excerpt
For me it's giving up

It was giving up for me too, letting go of that 'dream come true', that fantasy, that perfect union.  I held onto it for a long time, long after the abuse and disrespect started, because I didn't want to let it go, and when I finally did, a while after I left her, it was heart wrenching.  But the good news?  Those feelings were pure and they were real for me, and the fact they didn't exist between us was actually good, because I can take them with me.  Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 07:34:59 PM »

Feeling that I spent last 10-14 years dreaming about a girl who didn't turn out to be nor treat me the way a human should be treated. Since she is the only girl I have loved, your first love and only person you have been with turning out to be like this sucks. Secondly, her replacing me with a guy on the day she was idealizing me. From afternoon to evening, she went from wanting to marry me to accepting his marriage proposal. Finally, knowing that she isn't a bad human being. She wasn't like this in school or college (although didn't know her intimately till final year of college). But she gave me a closure after college in a respectful manner. Knowing this good person is a BPD because of past sexual abuse, current abusive parents... .whom she worships and is enmeshed with... .and never left the home to get treatment... .all three things make it a horrible feeling.
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woofhound
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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2014, 07:41:12 PM »

The worst for me was opening up completely, opening my ego, showing her what was behind my wall (all things she asked me to do) only to get cheated on immediately after. It destroyed my ego, and my ideals concerning trust. Time to rebuild.
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2014, 07:54:05 PM »

The timing... .

The interaction has turned into an all consuming spiritual awakening for me which is actually pretty amazing in every sense. The timing though is terrible I was not prepared for any of this nor did I expect it. The financial losses and loss of reputation and status for going through this when I did.
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elessar
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2014, 08:00:10 PM »

For me it's giving up

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl Smiling (click to insert in post)
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2014, 08:14:35 PM »

Excerpt
For me it's giving up

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl Smiling (click to insert in post)

I don't feel like going through borderline hell again either, but I do feel like having an amazing love affair, so how?  By staying present and aware, keeping our boundaries up, and having zero tolerance for bullsht.  Real love is a slow burn, takes time and experiences together to build, and at this point would we really be susceptible to someone coming on way too strong all creepy-like?  I don't think I would be, and have already sent a couple of women on their way, because my red flag meter was pinging and I didn't ignore it.  Might be overshooting a little, but so what, we need to overshoot to find the line.

We can't find true bliss in a relationship without being vulnerable.  Of course it's risky, but great rewards always are; it's just about not being stupid and becoming vulnerable at a reasonable pace with the right person, and we won't know if it's the right person or not until we go down that path a little.  If I'd had that much awareness with my ex, we never would have gotten off the ground to begin with.  Live and learn.  And love.  We're made for it.
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Pingo
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2014, 11:06:11 PM »

For me the hardest part was deciding to end the relationship, giving up and facing the grief that is at times unbearable.  The worst part now is realising how much of myself I have lost and how much of myself I had tied up in him... .I feel so empty sometimes and it scares me, wondering where I am going, what I should do next.
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NorthLight
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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2014, 04:03:59 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

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woofhound
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2014, 05:19:37 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

Ditto, my friend. Sucks to chalk it up as a loss... .I know it does for me, but on the other hand, consider yourself well armed for the future and that much wiser.

Wishing you the best,

Woofhound
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camuse
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2014, 06:28:09 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.
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pieceofme
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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2014, 08:49:34 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

Ditto, my friend. Sucks to chalk it up as a loss... .I know it does for me, but on the other hand, consider yourself well armed for the future and that much wiser.

Wishing you the best,

Woofhound

same for me. i mourn the life i thought we were going to have... .the life i thought we wanted together. i think the hardest part for me is i believed all the sweet promises he made me. two days ago he begged me for another chance, to prove himself and his loyalty to me, that he would do anything to make our dreams come true. last night he proclaimed i can't give him the future he deserves and broke up with me for the second time. or maybe it's the third. i can't keep up anymore.

what is that quote? they say dreams come true, but nightmares are dreams, too.
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Pingo
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« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2014, 10:51:38 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 
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martymcfly5

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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2014, 11:03:48 AM »

Being a same-sex friend of the uBPD, the worse part was discovering that all of her idealizing, devaluing thoughts and rageful behaviors towards me were rooted in a mental illness. I remember the first day of discovering BPD and it felt like a riptide of pity had washed me out to sea. The thought that my best friend was mentally ill just brought upon a sadness I never knew. I'm the one who has a solution, or a prayer to offer up for any 'problem'. The good part is that there was an explanation and a 'name' for it. That allowed me to learn as much as I could about BPD, which led to my own understanding of myself, my needs and knowing I can't fix 'this'. Boards like this were a great help throughout the process including the ending of the friendship and remaining NC.

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Bak86
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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2014, 11:12:52 AM »

The hardest thing for me is letting her go... .I sometimes feel like a stalker, even though i don't contact her anymore. I think about her day and night. Sometimes it's feelings of hate, because she made me insecure and an emotional mess, but sometimes i think of the good times we had together and that makes me really really sad. She was a really good person(she still is to the outside world). We could cuddle all night long and talk about everything and she made me feel understood. We had such a great connection. At the moment i just don't think i will ever find a connection like that again and that makes me depressed.
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jess2014

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« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2014, 11:32:00 AM »

For me it's giving up

I feel your pain ... .I am feeling much the same, however I know I can love again and trust again, next time I will make sure the person does not take over my life and control me the way she did. I am working hard on mindfulness and building friendships that I hope are lasting and will keep me safe.

Right feelings, wrong girl, and it's just a matter of finding the right girl next time, and staying present and aware, to make sure we are actually sharing the same thing.  It's possible, it's right, we deserve it.

You know, I was in group therapy for a few months last summer and my complaint was... .I just don't feel like this doing again for another girl. Its just too much work, too much emotions, too much investment. And I am afraid I won't survive another break up like this. So I really respect that you haven't given up on being the same person for a right girl Smiling (click to insert in post)

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jess2014

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« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2014, 11:44:01 AM »

The hardest thing for me is letting her go... .I sometimes feel like a stalker, even though i don't contact her anymore. I think about her day and night. Sometimes it's feelings of hate, because she made me insecure and an emotional mess, but sometimes i think of the good times we had together and that makes me really really sad. She was a really good person(she still is to the outside world). We could cuddle all night long and talk about everything and she made me feel understood. We had such a great connection. At the moment i just don't think i will ever find a connection like that again and that makes me depressed.

I feel the same way at times - however I know that if I can give the time and energy, not forgetting love that I gave her, I know that I can give it again in a more aware way. we have created an attachment which will take time to break free from. give yourself time.
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camuse
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« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2014, 11:55:11 AM »

The worst part for me is that I miss the fantasy and dream I lived in ... .I dream about her every night, and it kills me every morning when i wake up and understand that it was not real and could not last forever.

It is very hard to accept that my beautiful dream girl and "soul mate" suddenly dumped me after maybe the best weeks of our r/s.

"you are my soulmate" "we will stick together no matter what" "please don't ever leave me, you are my life" really made me believe that I had found the only girl for me (+ she was my first and so far only love) and that I would always have her by my side.

It's awful. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Letting go of the false words is so tough, but in the end you have no option. And then it does slowly get better with time. I don't think you can underestimate the battering you experience when you realise it was all make believe.

For me there are two things outstanding - one, same as you, that those amazing feeling were based on a lie, that I will never feel that close to someone again. I will never feel so safe and loved and adored ever again and that it very very sad and hard to accept. It makes me wonder what the point is in carrying on, if the best times I will have are already behind me forever. That love like that doesn't really exist.

The second is shallow - I grieve for the sex. It was fake, acted, mirroring, but I didn't know that at the time - knowing I will never have sex like that again if hard to accept, and harder still knowing that right now the replacement is enjoying those amazing moments.

It's all so hard. But each day the sadness fades a little and I feel small fleeting moments of hope. I believe deep down, that this horrific nightmare will end up being the making of me. I hit the bottom, and it was so easy just to give up - the mountain to climb was so high. But I'm climbing it slowly, slipping on the way, but making it up - and at the top is a better, wiser, happier, stronger me. One day I will thank her for her hard, harsh lesson.

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 

Thank you for your words of hope   
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stove monkey
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« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2014, 05:33:07 PM »

I'm right at the beginning of leaving/divorcing. I mean I got kicked out last Sunday, uBPDw 22 years, called the police on me and everything.

The hardest part for me in the cycle is the part I'm dealing with now.

I can handle the crap, just last night she told me "I regret ever having met you" and many many more horrible things and accusations.

Today the cycle has moved to the part where she is helpless, she needs me, please come home, we didn't give God a chance. The helplessness (which is genuine right now) eats me up.

I hope I have the strength to stay away for good this time.
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myself
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« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2014, 06:22:31 PM »

The worst has been that she was abused as a child.

And then she abuses people, too. Keeping the patterns going.

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MommaBear
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« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2014, 06:46:35 PM »

For me, it's the new personality he's developed to mirror the replacement.

I now have no idea who I'm leaving my child with when he has custody. The only thing that's been consistent is his hatred for me.

No matter how hard leaving, feeling used, feeling foolish, or anything else was (and still is) for me, the worst of it is leaving my child with a total stranger who reserves the most vile hatred for me, and will not communicate with me about our child.

I am, quite literally, terrified.
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Hopeless777
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« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2014, 08:09:52 PM »

I'm right at the beginning of leaving/divorcing. I mean I got kicked out last Sunday, uBPDw 22 years, called the police on me and everything.

The hardest part for me in the cycle is the part I'm dealing with now.

I can handle the crap, just last night she told me "I regret ever having met you" and many many more horrible things and accusations.

Today the cycle has moved to the part where she is helpless, she needs me, please come home, we didn't give God a chance. The helplessness (which is genuine right now) eats me up.

I hope I have the strength to stay away for good this time.

Stove Monkey, my BPDw got arrested for domestic violence on me (she called the police) and I got her out of it. Three recycles and her violence kept escalating. She demanded I leave and divorce her (like 50 times she said it.) I finally left and its been 2.5 months out, 6 weeks NC. Now just lawyers. I don't believe I abandoned/deserted her. I finally gave in because the personal risks were becoming too high. If your wife is a true BPD, don't believe a word she says to get you to come back. Every recycle is worse. It got to the point for me that I knew she's throw herself down the stairs and call the police and say I beat her up. The disorder is evil. She may not be evil, but she does evil things. God can forgive and forget, I can't. Maybe someday when life is better I will.
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But God does not just sweep life away; instead, He devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from Him. 2 Samuel 14:14(b) NLT
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« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2014, 08:13:57 PM »

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2014, 08:24:44 PM »

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

I identify with that. I remember one occasion near the end after a session of gaslighting. I was in despair and I said to her "Why do you think so badly of me? I'm the one who loves you. This is me, the one you've been with for 5 years. You know me. You know I've had pain in my life too. You know I'm hurting too. I'm standing here right in front of you. Vulnerable and exposed.".

That made her listen but only for so long. It didn't stop the inevitable.
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woofhound
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« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2014, 08:56:09 PM »

also... loosing the best friend I ever had because she could no longer see me. That who I was became invisible to her.

I identify with that. I remember one occasion near the end after a session of gaslighting. I was in despair and I said to her "Why do you think so badly of me? I'm the one who loves you. This is me, the one you've been with for 5 years. You know me. You know I've had pain in my life too. You know I'm hurting too. I'm standing here right in front of you. Vulnerable and exposed.".

That made her listen but only for so long. It didn't stop the inevitable.

Man, that hit home for me. The last day I ever saw my exuBPD she came over with a distant look in her eyes to "cuddle". We had been texting happily all day about being excited to see each other before she went to work. She picked a fight with me about something that had happened previously. I apologized stating that I loved her and reminding her that only a couple of days before we had promised each other to be open and honest when a problem occurs... to remind each other that we would work as a team. So I say "(her name), I love you and i'm sorry my actions hurt your feelings. We are a team and together because we love each other."

She stormed out the door and I haven't seen her since. Its been 4 weeks I think. I'm not counting the days anymore. I'm done hanging onto her every action and word.
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« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2014, 09:09:02 PM »

Makes me think they were driven away by our love more than anything else.

A line from a song by the band Placebo goes: "every time you vent your spleen you never see the lonely me at all".
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« Reply #26 on: August 14, 2014, 09:13:15 PM »

Excerpt
That who I was became invisible to her.

That aspect makes me even more amazed at the strength of the disorder.  Someone with it has developed mental tools so strong that they can eliminate, erase, compartmentalize, whatever it is they do, someone from their consciousness so completely that they no longer exist.  Amazing.  The lack of object constancy helps, I'm sure, and you know in the quiet times we pop into their heads once in awhile, just to be stuffed back down or whatever, but all of that just underlines how extreme some of our exes are disordered, what we were up against, and it helps me accept the mental illness for what it is, regardless of what used to come out of that pretty face and those bright eyes, accept that facade as the fiction it was.

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« Reply #27 on: August 14, 2014, 09:17:51 PM »

Having constant contact from her. Not knowing why she is contacting me and trying to constantly make sense of it in my head. Trying to sort out why I am still involved emotionally and mentally in something I know is terrible for me. Losing my sense of who I am and what is important. Having all my friends think I am crazy.
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« Reply #28 on: August 14, 2014, 10:15:56 PM »

The silence is terrible (though I guess it's better than the fighting), also the thought that she is so bitterly angry with me.

The thing that is hardest though is the thought that the disease was more powerful than our love, and that even though we knew about it and tried to have strategies for it, it still totally kicked our butts.  :'(   
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NorthLight
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #29 on: August 15, 2014, 05:57:10 AM »

I just wanted to say that I have been in other relationships that weren't with a BPD and although I don't think I ever experienced such intensity before, there is love that makes you feel safe and loved and adored out there for you again and it is based on real intimacy instead of the fake stuff we've experienced, based on someone really seeing you.  And when a healthy person really sees you and you experience that real intimacy, the sex is genuine and based on wanting to share something wonderful together.  Don't give up on it, as you become healthier you will invite healthier people into your life. 

Thank you for replies camuse, woofhound and pieceofme. I wish the best for all of you!

And a reply to you pingo: Wise words my friend. I also need to believe that, or else I have nothing to live for.

We might not feel the intense BPD-relationship love in the future, but we can find a grown up NORMAL person and feel a mutual love that is based on 2 adults that wants the best for each other! Not this "take care of" love that we had for them, and not feel the "i need you love" that a BPD gives.

It was not healthy for anyone of us on this forum... But still, I can't let go of it and I would give anything to go back in the past when I was so happy and lived in my fantasy world she created, but at the same time I wouldn't do it because I would never go through the pain again that I have went through the last 2 months. I wish you all good luck
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