Significant Others and BPD parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am sure a lot o you have experienced the wrath of your BPD parent projecting on to your significant other.  This is happening to me and I know it hurts my boyfriend.  I definitely see myself having a future with him, so I want to try to make things better for him.  I know he will never understand why my mother acts the way she does, like why she hates him for no reason, and why I don't just cut her out of my life.  I am currently making one last effort with her, but if it doesn't work, I do plan on going NC.  How have you helped your significant others through this?  Any tips to help make things better?  Any advice or experiences would help because I have no idea what to do.  Thanks! 

[kookaburra13]

I am sure a lot o you have experienced the wrath of your BPD parent projecting on to your significant other.  This is happening to me and I know it hurts my boyfriend.  I definitely see myself having a future with him, so I want to try to make things better for him.  I know he will never understand why my mother acts the way she does, like why she hates him for no reason, and why I don't just cut her out of my life.  I am currently making one last effort with her, but if it doesn't work, I do plan on going NC.  How have you helped your significant others through this?  Any tips to help make things better?  Any advice or experiences would help because I have no idea what to do.  Thanks! 

[Kwamina]

Hi kookaburra13,

This projecting behavior of a BPD parent can be very hurtful and confusing, especially when you don't know about BPD and haven't grown up with someone behaving like that. So I understand why your boyfriend is having a hard time with this. I have two pieces of advice for you that I think might help.

When it comes to your boyfriend I would try to get him to read some information about BPD and share some of your experiences with him so he gets a better understanding of what's going on and that your mother's behavior in fact has nothing to do with him at all but is only a reflection of her own inner problems. Does your boyfriend know about BPD and that this is the root cause of your mother's behavior?

When it comes to your mother my advice would be to take a firm stance like you're planning to do and be very clear about your boundaries. That doesn't guarantee that your mother will behave better, in fact many people with BPD respond rather poorly to boundaries set by others. No matter how she responds though, the most important thing is that you are ready to put yourself first and let your mother feel the consequences if she continues to misbehave.