Ask the Magic 8 Ball_Need Advice

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, Gurus:  Last night was another sleepless one, because I cannot get clear on what I need to do regarding an issue with regard to exbfBPD.  I am not asking for legal advice (though I have been given some very helpful information on this board as well as the divorce/law board).  From my past posts, some may recall that I found myself with a pwBPD who has been out of federal prison on probation after serving three years for financial fraud (thanks to the wonders of online dating as well as my own vulnerability and lack of boundaries).  After having gone out with him a couple of times, he told me he was living in a halfway house but would soon be moving home where he would be wearing an ankle bracelet.  From that moment forward, my rescuer/advocate kicked in (as I had functioned as a social worker for many years).  The BPD waif lamented that he had been over sentenced, abandoned by his ex wife and family who were no longer on speaking terms with him (hmmm, save that one for later). He handed me a binder documenting the details of the complete injustices of his case. He had few furnishings and very little food at his house.  Our r/s began with my bringing dinner to him nightly after work and ramped up quickly to my indulging him in every sense of the word.  I was reeling from a failed r/s with a pw narcissistic qualities who had cheated and betrayed me, yet we continue to work together.  I had been divorced for one year.  My son, who was out of town in school, was having immense legal problems.  So, one year ago; not only was I rescuing the BPD Waif while he proclaimed to be rescuing me (in every sense of the word).  From computers to home repair to helping me navigate the legal system, my exbfBPD was Johnny on the Job.  As another member of this board wrote:  a quid pro quo. He was my companion and self proclaimed "handy man" as I was helping him get back on his feet.  It wasn't long until he was requesting large sums of money for everything from rent to car payments, and he needed help "caring for his sons" who his wife wisely had 100% custody of.  His sons "needed" everything from the latest video games to clothes to new phones:  I believe they too were a proxy of their dad's "need."  I now fully understand the child support battle between his ex who had been stripped black for divorcing him in prison.  I supported him through that legal battle as well as an eviction and two terminations from employment.  He had been married three times before (twice to the same person, who must have been split back to white). When possible, he paid me back for the "big" things while continuing to be on my "meal plan"--while I was supporting three children of my own.  He said he would begin paying me $1000 per month for the many months of support--claimed to have included that "support" amount on a spread sheet and in his budget. His mental health was precarious at best and followed along the BPD patterns we know so well.  He was INSANELY jealous of my business partner and my ex-husband no matter how many times I swore my complete fidelity and loyalty to him.  At one point, I offered to quit my job, as he would rage even when I needed to go into the office for work. I have nearly all of his "raging" in writing via text and e-mail.  In late June, after raging that my husband had come to visit my children when we were out of town; he began shaking me down for large amounts of money for cars.  I said NO many times.  I now believe he knew he was at the end of my generosity and my patience--perhaps even seeing signs of my failing physical, financial and mental health.  You guessed it; he wore me down, and was to have paid me a large amount of money on August 1, 2014:  the last time I saw him, other than a brief encounter I initiated at his home to warn that his grift and his greed had given me few choices, "Are you threatening me," he raged?  I assume I have been split black, because I have received silent treatment since August 1.  And since then, I have been diagnosed with a serious illness specifically related to high stress/cortisol levels.  SO MAGIC 8 BALL:  do I follow the advice of T and lawyers who say go after him with credit card companies, probation officer, ex-wife (who he continues to defraud with child support), employer (who he continues to defraud about his criminal record)? Or do I follow the advice of friends and physician who say, "GOOD RIDDANCE! Your health is more important than collecting what he owes you.  Be thankful he didn't do more harm than he has!"   

[Junknown]

Hello there. Read your story and im sorry about what you had to endure :/.

Relating to you question i want to make some questions to you and maybe you will find the answer to your question from the answers you give.

Is there any chance he will be able to pay you? Has he got enough money at moment to pay it up? What will be required from you to make him pay? Sweat, stress, more pain? Do you think this will be solved on a short or long term (after months, years?)?

If he does pay up may you fear any kind of threat from him? Obsessive stalking or annoying you? Smear campaigns?

At moment do you need your money back fast? Is it essential to you or you can wait? Is this the time where you are ready to get your money back or could you do it in the future when you have healed more and are a stronger person?

I prefer not to give you a solution. By answering those questions i think maybe you will make it by yourself.

Wish you the best! Hope you can make it and be able to get over him apart from the decision you make.

[Loveofhislife]

Junkknown:  AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME.  I shall immediately begin pondering those questions--somewhere I think they've been floating over my head at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping (doctor's orders).  I think the other BIG questions for me are, "Am I wanting to retaliate?" "Am I wanting to control the situation?" "Am I seeking justice for me and the other women he has victimized?" (I did work for a social justice association for a decade)... ."Is this my way of getting him to acknowledge my very presence vs. silent treatment?"  I have come to realize over the past month that some of my deep seeded FOO issues were about being utterly ignored--as if I didn't exist.  How he was able to intuit that makes him pretty clever indeed, because I just figured it out myself.  Thanks so much!

[OutOfEgypt]

What an ordeal.  I'm so sorry...  It looks like you already got a great reply from Junknown.  I'll just add my $0.02.

I don't think we can tell you what to do, but to me your children need to come first in this.  If your children will be endangered in any way by going after him, or if you will become seriously impaired by going after him (if it stresses you out, too much), then I say let it go.  They are more important.

And is there a middle ground?  For example, are there some simple, minimally stressful things you can do and report on that will not take a total emotional drain?  What exactly is entailed in "going after" him?  :)o you have good evidence to make it worth the effort (you know he will lie)?

I get a sense, also, that you feel pressured to go after him by others.  Is that true?  What would be your reasoning for going after him?

[Junknown]

Junkknown:  AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME.  I shall immediately begin pondering those questions--somewhere I think they've been floating over my head at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping (doctor's orders).  I think the other BIG questions for me are, "Am I wanting to retaliate?" "Am I wanting to control the situation?" "Am I seeking justice for me and the other women he has victimized?" (I did work for a social justice association for a decade)... ."Is this my way of getting him to acknowledge my very presence vs. silent treatment?"  I have come to realize over the past month that some of my deep seeded FOO issues were about being utterly ignored--as if I didn't exist.  How he was able to intuit that makes him pretty clever indeed, because I just figured it out myself.  Thanks so much!

I'm glad i could help you. Those questions you asked here are also nice questions to add to the list. When you get your answers i think you will be able to stick to a decision and make up your mind . Good luck!

[LettingGo14]

Junkknown:  AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME.  I shall immediately begin pondering those questions--somewhere I think they've been floating over my head at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping (doctor's orders).  I think the other BIG questions for me are, "Am I wanting to retaliate?" "Am I wanting to control the situation?" "Am I seeking justice for me and the other women he has victimized?" (I did work for a social justice association for a decade)... ."Is this my way of getting him to acknowledge my very presence vs. silent treatment?"  I have come to realize over the past month that some of my deep seeded FOO issues were about being utterly ignored--as if I didn't exist.  How he was able to intuit that makes him pretty clever indeed, because I just figured it out myself.  Thanks so much!

I'm glad i could help you. Those questions you asked here are also nice questions to add to the list. When you get your answers i think you will be able to stick to a decision and make up your mind . Good luck!

Such a powerful testament to the power of this community.  Excellent questions from Junknown.  I am sorry you have to face this loveofhislife, but (as you attest) this experience may well give you freedom you never imagined.

We are here for you.