Struggling...

[Aussie JJ]

I know the lies, I know the deceit... .

Thing is, I have known her that bloody long and shared so many 'genuine' moments with her that I can understand her pain.  If only they could forgive themselves, so much easier for us to forgive than for them to do so.  

SIGH



AJJ.  

[Caredverymuch]

I know the lies, I know the deceit... .

Thing is, I have known her that bloody long and shared so many 'genuine' moments with her that I can understand her pain.  If only they could forgive themselves, so much easier for us to forgive than for them to do so. 

SIGH



AJJ. 

Im sorry AJJ.  Its very difficult to try to think the way they do, isn't it? To know what is genuine and what is mirroring.  And its most difficult to have a forgiving heart only to be met with such hatred it seems.  Sending  . Sometimes thats the one thing I miss of all. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Mutt]

She needs to work on her trauma Aussie JJ. Her core wound of abandonment instead of blaming everyone else and wanting someone to parent her. How self aware is she? Mine is not very self aware. She made her decision as impulsive as it was. HER choices and her accountability for said choices.

My time is over with her. I wish her good luck on her journeys. I have my own journey now. My ex will have to help herself. No amount of my love can move this mountain. A mountain I can and am moving - my kids. I'm sorry Aussie JJ.

[Aussie JJ]

She is scared of the self awareness... .

Thats the problem, denial. 

[Aussie JJ]

Thing is, I can go back through everything and all communications so controlling, demeaning.  It's... .Blehness.  Just a way to control. 

[Mutt]

Self awareness and denial are different things. I laid down serious boundaries with my ex. I control how I respond.

[Caredverymuch]

She is scared of the self awareness... .

Thats the problem, denial. 

And there, sadly, is the phrase we well know. Bpd is a disorder that exists to deny itself. So much denial.

[myself]

What does she need to forgive?

What can you do about it?

Are your actions also about control?

[Aussie JJ]

She needs to forgive herself for what she has done. 

What can I do about it, I dont know, I am lost, have to put son first. 

Control me, yes to an extent.  I can see this and try to step back from it.  Very painful. 

[Mutt]

Aussie JJ you are right. Your son is #1. It's tough when dad's hurt. You have every right to feel anger. Work through your grieving. What stage of grieving do you identify with now?

[Aussie JJ]

Mutt,

I'm in the denial / Anger stage.  I know it's over.  I am sorting through all the past correspondence with a BPD viewpoint and finding the lies.  Building things that can be taken to court, it is so painful being able to see the lies plain as day. 

I am trying to let go of the anger component and say "it is because of XYZ" that this happened.  It really hurts being clinical about everything and breaking it down like I am. 

[Loveofhislife]

So much pain here--but we are acknowledging it and working through it. One of my favorite quotes from M. Scott Peck,

Avoiding pain is the "underlying groundwork" for all mental illness. We can think about it as denial, etc. and this is where many on this board may not agree. Aussie JJ: you are learning and moving through this pain. Your son will learn by your example. Pain is a necessary part of existence: a great teacher. But she is making different choices. I grow concerned when I continue to read that they all are "victims" of what sounds like an incurable illness. They all are victims of themselves and we: the collateral damage. They are able to make different choices as are we. Painful--absolutely, but choosing to do no harm to others might be a good start. Keep moving forward; and keep writing; your posts help us all.