UBPDBF requires being treated like a child

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yes, I cook.  I've got stuff on the grill right now   Last night was roasted brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes with grilled chicken and homemade bread.  I think it's been over two months since she cooked anything for me.  I think the count of meals she has made vs meals I have made over the last year are probably 100 to 1 in favor of me.  I'm not keeping score, but it frustrates me because she will tell me that I don't have to do that for her and that she feels bad that I am cooking.  Well, if I don't cook, we won't eat, and if we go out, I will wind up paying most of the time, and I will have to make the decision on where to go because she can't make up her mind. 

I'm at least thankful that she mostly loves what I cook and very little complaint.  But sometimes when we go out and I wind up picking a place because she can't decide and she starts complaining about her meal, I feel a little hurt.  During those times I just want to tell her "next time, you pick the restaurant."

[maxsterling]

Yes, I cook.  I've got stuff on the grill right now   Last night was roasted brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes with grilled chicken and homemade bread.  I think it's been over two months since she cooked anything for me.  I think the count of meals she has made vs meals I have made over the last year are probably 100 to 1 in favor of me.  I'm not keeping score, but it frustrates me because she will tell me that I don't have to do that for her and that she feels bad that I am cooking.  Well, if I don't cook, we won't eat, and if we go out, I will wind up paying most of the time, and I will have to make the decision on where to go because she can't make up her mind. 

I'm at least thankful that she mostly loves what I cook and very little complaint.  But sometimes when we go out and I wind up picking a place because she can't decide and she starts complaining about her meal, I feel a little hurt.  During those times I just want to tell her "next time, you pick the restaurant."

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[waverider]

Yes, I cook.  I've got stuff on the grill right now   Last night was roasted brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes with grilled chicken and homemade bread.  I think it's been over two months since she cooked anything for me.  I think the count of meals she has made vs meals I have made over the last year are probably 100 to 1 in favor of me.  I'm not keeping score, but it frustrates me because she will tell me that I don't have to do that for her and that she feels bad that I am cooking.  Well, if I don't cook, we won't eat, and if we go out, I will wind up paying most of the time, and I will have to make the decision on where to go because she can't make up her mind. 

I'm at least thankful that she mostly loves what I cook and very little complaint.  But sometimes when we go out and I wind up picking a place because she can't decide and she starts complaining about her meal, I feel a little hurt.  During those times I just want to tell her "next time, you pick the restaurant."

Ditto, difference is that when I have cooked she will either decide she's not hungry/have a bowl of cereal instead or eat it as leftovers later. On the other hand if I just cook for me she sulks because "How am I supposed to eat better, if you are only just looking after yourself"

Same with the housework.

All with the "insight" of telling me she feels bad that she is not pulling her weight. That just makes it worse as it kind of highlights it as deliberate.

Going back to the subject title it almost sounds like she is saying "I feel bad that I can't act like an adult". Self invalidation, keeping herself trapped in dysfunctionality.

[drummerboy]

The moment I realised that my ex had the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, everything started to make sense. She was highly intelligent, brilliant verbal skills but under the hood, she was a little girl and the people she kept returning to are the ones that treat her as a little girl.

[maxen]

The moment I realised that my ex had the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, everything started to make sense. She was highly intelligent, brilliant verbal skills but under the hood, she was a little girl

i saw it, i just couldn't accept it. how could someone so obviously brilliant, from such a family of achievers and nabobs, be so juvenile? yet she was. i used to think "45 going on 15"; when i came here i saw people saying "5".

[drummerboy]

We must be similar, I too first referred to her as 31 going on 16. Once I started researching BPD and really thinking about her whole situation I realised I was giving her way more credit that I should by thinking of a 16 year old. It hit home when I realised my 7 year old daughter has way more empathy and compassion than she did. Saddest part is that her parents and her ex, that I assume she has gone back to, treat her like a little girl. So she'll stay in that mindset forever. The day she ended it she said "If we moved in together my parents would kill me" This was a 31 year old woman talking!

The moment I realised that my ex had the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, everything started to make sense. She was highly intelligent, brilliant verbal skills but under the hood, she was a little girl

i saw it, i just couldn't accept it. how could someone so obviously brilliant, from such a family of achievers and nabobs, be so juvenile? yet she was. i used to think "45 going on 15"; when i came here i saw people saying "5".

[waverider]

The hard thing is when their own kids start to become more emotionally balanced than them and are then seen as a threat,

[Marvis]

The hard thing is when their own kids start to become more emotionally balanced than them and are then seen as a threat,

Yep, add that to the ever growing list of reasons why having kids is a bad plan for me. I'm glad I decided against it a very long time ago. I give all of you who chose to have kids SO much credit. Thank you for doing the best you can with what you got.

[maxsterling]

The hard thing is when their own kids start to become more emotionally balanced than them and are then seen as a threat,

I saw this with an ex and her  (at the time) 11 year old son.  He was way more emotionally mature than a typical 11 year old, while she was 42 going on 14.  He was her caretaker!  And at times, it was like she was jealous that he had his crap together more than her, and when that happened she would give him grief over something or chores to do.  It was weird.  He and I got along great - one of the best friends I have ever had.  And she was totally dependent on him.  I've often wondered how she has handled him growing up and being more independent.  When I was dating her, the issue was her needing him to sleep in bed with her.  Obviously, he was not wanting that arrangement anymore and wanting his privacy, but she was having a hard time letting go.

[DreamFlyer99]

Yes, I cook.  I've got stuff on the grill right now   Last night was roasted brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes with grilled chicken and homemade bread.  I think it's been over two months since she cooked anything for me.  I think the count of meals she has made vs meals I have made over the last year are probably 100 to 1 in favor of me.  I'm not keeping score, but it frustrates me because she will tell me that I don't have to do that for her and that she feels bad that I am cooking.  Well, if I don't cook, we won't eat, and if we go out, I will wind up paying most of the time, and I will have to make the decision on where to go because she can't make up her mind. 

I'm at least thankful that she mostly loves what I cook and very little complaint.  But sometimes when we go out and I wind up picking a place because she can't decide and she starts complaining about her meal, I feel a little hurt.  During those times I just want to tell her "next time, you pick the restaurant."

YUM! Sounds like you're a good cook too!

the restaurant thing is soo familiar! we'd go out and i'd say, "what do you want to eat?" he'd say "i don't care, what do YOU want to eat?" i'd say "ooh! i've really been wanting Chinese-" "No, i don't want Chinese." "how about Mexican?" "No, that sounds too heavy." Me: siggghhhhh

[ColdEthyl]

Hello Most of the time he is NOT mean to me, but sometimes he is. Insults, name calling, that sort. We have actually had a breakthrough on this. I set some boundaries and told him I will not be bullied anymore. I told him I can handle the rages, if he wants to vent about something I am all ears, but if it goes into him trying to pick a fight and insulting me, then I am done listening. He had a mini-rage day a few days after that but was never insulting, and he even asked me the next day if he was mean at all.

We've had another issue since then, and again he didn't get that far. We started to argue until I realized I was JADEing, and I said hold up. We are both irritated, and we are both not listening. This is what I am hearing, is this what you mean? And he also calmed down and explained in a better way that I could see what he meant. We both calmed down, talked it out and it was great

Hmm.  The can sometimes says "stewed" tomatoes!

INDEED!

And you COOK, Maxterling? Wow that's lovely!

perhaps we should get together and have a nice over salted tomato - y dinner sometime. Tomatoes in stew sounds lovely. Mine was a variation of fried rice but instead of rice I used quiona. I also made homemade egg rolls. He approved this dinner and watched me cook it. *sigh* going in to day 3 of silence/attack g/f mode

Sounds good to me! Both "stewing" together and your meal. i'm so sorry about the silence and the rest of it. I've seen where Waverider said their upset is generally just indicative of something else going on with them and they're just using that "offense" to react to.

How do I stop the bullying and disrespect? There's a lot of the time where he's going off and NOT being mean to me... .but he wants to vent, and as I stated before I don't really want to leave the house because of my children. I COULD leave WITH them, but sometimes it's late night, or I'm afraid he might go around breaking things.

This is so hard... .he's such an awesome man when he isn't dysregulating... .I love him to pieces  I know I put up with too much, I've read books, read this board and I still feel like in the thick of it, I have no idea what to do.

This is still on my mind, ColdEthyl-- and i keep hoping Waverider will address it. i only know i had to state that this conversation wasn't helping, and i would come back in a while and we could talk again if he could be respectful. Is your h disrespectful or calling you names or anything when he's venting?

[ColdEthyl]

All with the "insight" of telling me she feels bad that she is not pulling her weight. That just makes it worse as it kind of highlights it as deliberate.

Going back to the subject title it almost sounds like she is saying "I feel bad that I can't act like an adult". Self invalidation, keeping herself trapped in dysfunctionality.

Holy cow... .MINE DOES THIS! He will say he's sorry for not doing this or that... .but STILL won't do it.

[waverider]

All with the "insight" of telling me she feels bad that she is not pulling her weight. That just makes it worse as it kind of highlights it as deliberate.

Going back to the subject title it almost sounds like she is saying "I feel bad that I can't act like an adult". Self invalidation, keeping herself trapped in dysfunctionality.

Holy cow... .MINE DOES THIS! He will say he's sorry for not doing this or that... .but STILL won't do it.

It is hard when you hear this as you feel like they are using an apology as an excuse to continue the behavior.

It does give an insight on their inability to live up to what they would like to do. I would hate to be in their shoes.

[DreamFlyer99]

So cool, ColdEthyl, on your boundaries for a discussion! That's amazing. So great. I envy your coolness in the midst of it all!

[ColdEthyl]

Oh I'm not all the time, I've lost my own temper a heck of a lot before I understood what's going on, and it still gets to me sometimes where I just feel so depressed and alone, but coming here, and particularly waverider's posts have really helped me work on putting myself into a different mindset.

It's also so very helpful he can admit his stuff (to a point) and tries hard. I wouldn't be here if he didn't.

So cool, ColdEthyl, on your boundaries for a discussion! That's amazing. So great. I envy your coolness in the midst of it all!

And waverider:

"It does give an insight on their inability to live up to what they would like to do. I would hate to be in their shoes."

THIS has helped me a lot. To think how it must feel for him, he WANTS to do things, but calls himself a coward. He hates himself, he hates what he does and doesn't do... .the self doubt, the guilt... .yes. I try to remember all of these things when he's upset about having mustard instead of mayo on his turkey sandwich

[DreamFlyer99]

THIS has helped me a lot. To think how it must feel for him, he WANTS to do things, but calls himself a coward. He hates himself, he hates what he does and doesn't do... .the self doubt, the guilt... .yes. I try to remember all of these things when he's upset about having mustard instead of mayo on his turkey sandwich

He could make his own sandwich... .

[ColdEthyl]

that was just an example, albeit me or the restaurant that makes this critical error. ^.^ I've slowly started to work away from getting upset at these things, or doing everything for him. IE When he starts to complain he doesn't have laundry, I agree that not having clean clothes sucks, but no longer do it. He's starting to do things himself, and it's been good for him and me.

THIS has helped me a lot. To think how it must feel for him, he WANTS to do things, but calls himself a coward. He hates himself, he hates what he does and doesn't do... .the self doubt, the guilt... .yes. I try to remember all of these things when he's upset about having mustard instead of mayo on his turkey sandwich

He could make his own sandwich... .

[DreamFlyer99]

ColdEthyl, that's so great! You seem to have worked out some good ways of validating the real issue rather than buying into his feeling that you are there to Fill His Needs. So cool! I was always tongue-tied and trying to work out whether it WAS my job or not!

[ColdEthyl]

It's gonna be a slow, bumpy road but the past month or so has been great. Neither of us are perfect, and we will go through that crazy BPD dance again and again, but I think it's going to get less and less, as long as we both keep working together

ColdEthyl, that's so great! You seem to have worked out some good ways of validating the real issue rather than buying into his feeling that you are there to Fill His Needs. So cool! I was always tongue-tied and trying to work out whether it WAS my job or not!