Is change even possible? Please help

[Tiny Topaz]

Hello, this is my first time posting a new topic since I've found this forum. I have been together with my husband for close to 20 years, 7 of those in Matrimony. For years I struggled trying to understand why he is the way he is and what I've done wrong to make him love me and then hate me and then love me again, and then hate me again. He suffers from severe depression and anxiety, and he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. But whenever I read up on any of these conditions, it seemed to me that, although he did have all the symptoms associated with those disorders, there was more to his dysfunction than just those afflictions. A friend who is aware of the dynamics of our relationship suggested I read some information about BPD, and when I did, it was like a lightbulb came on! I am not a mental health professional, but it was all there in print - all the symptoms he exhibits daily, and finally I had terminology to use when trying to explain his behavior to myself and to the psychologist I am planning to see. The kitchen-sinking, the splitting, the gas lighting, the rages, silent treatments, etc... .the info I was reading could have been written about him specifically. I know he is a pwBPD, even though he is undiagnosed. I made the mistake of asking him to take an online test. The stress on his face was frightening as I read the questions to him (he would not read them himself and preferred that I read them to him). He eventually erupted and promptly split me black. That was some weeks ago. I look at this forum daily now, and I read every article, pamphlet, and book about BPD that I come across. All of this information has left me a bit confused, as some of the info conflicts at times. I have read that those with BPD who enter therapy and stick with it improve over time and that they can be "cured"; however, I have also read that those with BPD have brains in which the very wiring is different from those who do not suffer BPD. My question is this: how can a pwBPD be "cured" when his brain is already developed and wired completely differently from a non's brain? Is it curable mental illness or is he just "broken"? I am having trouble figuring out if there is any hope for a resolution or if this is what I must accept about him if I were to stay in this marriage. Any and all advice would be welcomed and appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for accepting me into your group.

[stuckgirl]

welcome to the forum topaz,im glad you found this place,this place will help you a lot whenever you feel you need answers,and in many other ways as well.

i havent read a lot about BPD,but i do have experience with SO suffering from BPD.

he is not diagnosed as well and im not intending to tell him currently.

BPD is a psychological disorder,it could be hard wired,it could be soft wired,but the result of the treatments designed for it is not effected by that. it is a chronic disorder,it cannot be cured just yet,which means that there is no one thing you can do to get rid of it permanently and completely,but it can be treated,which means that there is a good chance that the symptoms can be kept at bay through constant medication and therapy.

the success of treatments designed for BPD depend on many things,for a lot of people it works but for some it may not.

one problem that is very frequently encountered when trying to get the person with BPD in your life help,is,that the disorder somehow makes the people that have it resistant to trying therapy,medications,treatments,or cures.

many of them refuse it completely,many of them do not even discuss it,many of them do it but with a lot of hesitance and making a lot of effort to keep a distance.sometimes a pwBPD might stonewall the therapist or simply persuade them that they are fine by acting fine while with them.people with BPD find it very hard to accept that there might be something wrong with them,come to think of it,if we were told something was wrong with the way we thought,we would be resistant and resentful of the idea too.

try discussing BPD very slowly with your partner,try to get him to visit a therapist and give him time to accept (if he will) that he has BPD.

mine told me he would diagnose the person with a pd if that person diagnosed him with pd,would rather die than take treatment and would never accept he had something,so it became completely a non negotiable option for me,although i tried many times.

if your husband gets through the stage of accepting he has BPD,then its a good sign.and also one that might indicate he might be willing to enter a form of treatment.get him to enter a DBT program with a therapist who specializes in BPD,with prescription medications,if he needs them,that are available to keep his mood stable,frustration and rage outbursts at control.

the outcome of his treatment depends a lot with his willingness to work at the treatment,so if you decided to work on the marriage,you should consider getting yourself a therapist too,to teach you the skills on how to deal with special situations,with conflicts,arguments,silent treatments,splitting white and black,and to move slow with him,with one step to the next.

i think the first thing you should do is consult a psychologist for YOURSELF who can advise you on how to proceed depending on how you want things to be,get yourself a T to better understand your situation.

meanwhile we're all here for you.

take care

[Tiny Topaz]

Thank you so much for your reply, Stuckgirl, and also for the warm welcome to this forum! This place has quickly become a source of strength for me, as reading what's posted here gets me through many difficult days. I have friends and family with whom I can talk about it; however, it's not very effective or satisfying for me because they could not possibly understand what it's like to live with a pwBPD. They are aware that he is "off" at times, but they would never be able to fully comprehend the chaos and confusion that reigns in this home. To their credit, they do try, but often words fail them entirely. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm exaggerating or that they are hearing my skewed take on things. Lately I've given up speaking to anyone close to me. Some people are worried, others are confused, and some are angry with me. I just don't have the energy to convince them that it's not mere "drama" causing all these problems, it's mental illness. It's nice to talk with people who can empathize. Anyway, I appreciate your input. You have told me what I suspected... .there is no cure for this. And he would need to be very committed to therapy in order to make progress. Truthfully, I don't see it happening. You are right too. I need help for me. I cannot wait to see a therapist actually, because someone might actually care about how I am coping for a change, even though I will have to pay him or her to care haha! I'm about to be caught on here, so I'll end by thanking you again. Now that I've made my first post, I'll never shut up! 

[stuckgirl]

Thank you so much for your reply, Stuckgirl, and also for the warm welcome to this forum! This place has quickly become a source of strength for me, as reading what's posted here gets me through many difficult days. I have friends and family with whom I can talk about it; however, it's not very effective or satisfying for me because they could not possibly understand what it's like to live with a pwBPD. They are aware that he is "off" at times, but they would never be able to fully comprehend the chaos and confusion that reigns in this home. To their credit, they do try, but often words fail them entirely. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm exaggerating or that they are hearing my skewed take on things. Lately I've given up speaking to anyone close to me. Some people are worried, others are confused, and some are angry with me. I just don't have the energy to convince them that it's not mere "drama" causing all these problems, it's mental illness. It's nice to talk with people who can empathize. Anyway, I appreciate your input. You have told me what I suspected... .there is no cure for this. And he would need to be very committed to therapy in order to make progress. Truthfully, I don't see it happening. You are right too. I need help for me. I cannot wait to see a therapist actually, because someone might actually care about how I am coping for a change, even though I will have to pay him or her to care haha! I'm about to be caught on here, so I'll end by thanking you again. Now that I've made my first post, I'll never shut up! 

i hope you dont!

im very glad youve made a decision to take care of yourself as a first.

good luck 

[Theo41]

Tiny Topaz, I'm so glad u found this forum. It and reading Stop Walking on Eggshells changed my life. For many years I bought the line: "I wouldn't act this way if you didn't ... ." Other men would say things like "all women are crazy " (which they are not... .my mom for example was totally calm, collected, and rational with plenty of common sense.) nevertheless, I used to apologize for my part in triggering my wife's rageful and nasty behavior.

Now I know that she is a sick person . She is in total denial and refuses to see a therapist. By the way, she took Paxil for 5 years and that was a miracle drug for me. It restored her to the woman I thought I married. Due to weight gain she discontinued Paxil and refuses medication.Ugh!

The offset for me is that she is a very loyal, generous and loving person when she is not dysregulated . The key for us has been to keep the stress level down so she has more time emotionally balanced. I have had to insist on cutting back travel and entertaining because that is when things are worst. I have learned to create a life for myself apart from her which includes sports, art, friends, volunteer work (I'm retired).

For my own sake and sanity I have to keep my options open regarding leaving. So far ,however, the pain of staying has not exceeded the anticipated pain of leaving. So that's my story. I've read about others on this site that seem to me to be in a lot more pain than I. For some reason or reasons, inexplicably we have a really hard time cutting the cord. One element is that they won't let us leave. They are emotionally dependent and pathologically fearful of abandonment. I wish u well. There is a much better life ahead for u whether u leave him or not. Just keep posting. Theo