i cant understand whether my fiance wants to break up or not

[stuckgirl]

I posted in another topic,but couldnt get a response I decided to post again and ask for help. My fiance recorded my phone call and made his parents hear it to try to prove i was cheating on him about 6 months ago,even when it was disproved to him,he has since then been resentful of being proven wrong,often giving me the feeling that he wished i had been cheating on him rather than being proven wrong,he refuses to admit completely i didnt cheat on him,he says due to how i called him wrong and 'tricked' everyone into believing me he was insulted and he couldnt trust me any more,i live in india,here marriages also involve both families,their finances and permissions,most people cannot marry without parents permission,neither can they call a marriage off without their permission,along with convincing parents and people making it a big deal and talking 'crap' about the girls 'character' as to a reason why a wedding would have to be cancelled.

Ever since then i record all calls on my phone through a a software,my fiance found out about it two weeks ago,but was normal and in his idealizing mode throughout.yesterday he came over,forcibly took my phone,checked then deleted it,saying it was a non serious thing to him,then went home texted and started verbally abusing me saying i was not to be trusted.then said for the first time throught all the bad times we've had that he wanted to end the relationship.i was shocked at first,but later i realized it was for the best,started seriously asking him how to go about it how to talk to parents,at this point he started saying 'i'll tell you sometime' and started withdrawing.

I texted him at night that if he wasnt happy with me,he definitely had a right to call it off and i would help in talking to the familes,in the morning he texted me,saying he would take all the blame,couldnt do this anymore.i replied with 'a goodbye sort of msg wishing him the best saying i hoped he found a partner more to his taste'

After that he started getting verbally abusive,trying to pick a fight with me,saying that i should move abroad,that it was a good thing we were breaking up,then saying u shud give exams and move to usa.stopped texting,refused to talk and told me he would call me at night to discuss everything since i was 'taping his phones and texts' after that,i did point out to him that texts get 'taped' anyway but ever aince he has left he will not talk over the phone saying im getting my family to listen in to him,though over these two weeks he's been normally talking to me yet he said he had known since then, now silence from him,he's due to call in some hours. Can anyone interpret what he means by this behaviour,or does he really mean to just break up and im just pathetically reading too much into it?

[stuckgirl]

he's refusing to take call and discuss our break up,keeps saying youre recording,although i have said we can talk throught skype,landline or viber.i get the feeling he's using 'youre recording calls' as an excuse to not to talk or discuss about breaking up,but he continues to text and text saying its too late,he cannot trust me anymore,i will 'regret' this. ive indicated that we already decided to leave each other,and the details were to be worked out over the phone call,he will not call,keeps saying he has to figure out a way to talk to me without a risk of recording,like i mentioned,i gave him several options,but he just wont take a call,in texts,he isnt discussing breaking up in direct words.what could he want?

any advice or support would be welcome,im literally stuck here guys 

[half-life]

My quick comment is he has shown himself to be an immature person and not very capable to make serious decision. You are waiting for him to make the call or come to mutual agreement with you. This is probably not going to happen. Given his limitation, the responsibility will fall on you. You will have to take the lead to make major decision for both of you.

[stuckgirl]

My quick comment is he has shown himself to be an immature person and not very capable to make serious decision. You are waiting for him to make the call or come to mutual agreement with you. This is probably not going to happen. Given his limitation, the responsibility will fall on you. You will have to take the lead to make major decision for both of you.

thanks for replying half-life

i want to break up with him at most by october,but right now its an extremely hard time for my family and myself,i dont want them to go through the 'traumatizing' experience of having my engagement broken just now,it would be an icing on the cake,nor am i in a position right now to handle explaining to my family the million things he has done to me and why i must not marry him.

i tried to sleep after telling him i was tired of fighting and wanted to sleep,then he said 'ok take care of yourself... go to sleep' he had calmed down and had seemed to drop 'breaking up'

an hour after that he texted me again to say that despite his problems with security i had recorded him, whatever happens now he would not further stay with me 'god willing',and he didnt  know how to be a hypocrite' (whatever that meant) it seemed he had gotten a sudden spurt of resolve.

this was followed by another text saying 'do discuss with me tomorrow night how you want to finish,so that your 'reputation' does not 'suffer and so that you dont blame me later,everything should happen easily plus swiftly and that i had 'damaged' him too much but that was life'

followed by saying 'god-willing now call me tomorrow night i will receive your call,for discussion,thanks'

since then ive been worried sick,he keeps changing his word and my mind is spinning according to whatever direction he goes.

he kept saying 'god willing' as if he was trying to make sure he wouldnt break resolve.im very confused and hurt

i replied with something like this 'alright,whatever seems right to you and i was too tired to keep this up,you can do it,faith in you'

i said it to let him know i wasnt going to ask him to stay and it would be a one way out thing,i also encouraged him because he somehow manages to get discouraged by that.

maybe im being selfish just now,but its disaster time for my family,which he knows pretty well,and still wants to heap this on

does anyone think there might be something that could be done that could stop him for now?

talking to him to stop this or letting him know i dont want this will only make him more resolved.

i have no idea what to do right now,any insight from anyone? any ideas,advice,support or any help?

thanks for reading.

[pallavirajsinghani]

It seems to me that both of you are ready to break up with each other but are afraid of your parents and generally what society or extended family or neighbors will think.  So the best is to cool off and not reply and not reach out.  Talk to your brother who is in the USA and just say that this relationship is dysfunctional and that you need his help to break to your and his parents.  Ask him his advice on how to communicate this to the parents. 

What I am trying to say is that you do not need to ask anyone as to what decision you should make.  Your mind and your heart has already made that decision.  Now the issue is how to communicate that decision to the parents.  So now, your focus should be different, it should not be on your fiancee's reaction or his welfare... .he is a man... .in our cultures men can do no wrong... .he will find another match easily and quickly.

You do not need to explain too much to anyone.  Just bring out the incident of being accused of cheating and how you had to prove that you did not cheat.  Keep bringing it up and keep saying that a marriage where there is no trust is not a good marriage. When you use third person voice like this, and continue to refer to specific incidents in a general way, you refrain from direct accusations.  So the blow from a hammer wrapped in silk is strong, but more palatable, somehow less insulting.  The more polite you are, the better.

You have to start withdrawing from him as you are giving him mixed messages.  Both of you are in an extremely dysfunctional and dissatisfying dance.  Neither of you is ready to commit and neither of you is ready to break up... .and my instinctive feeling is that it is the fear of parents and society that is preventing you from acting upon convictions that you both feel.

Pray for courage for yourself... .for you cannot control another person.  You can only control yourself.  Trying to understand minutia is immaterial and a waste of energy... .what does he mean by this and that... .should turn into what do I mean when I say this or that... .are my words same as my thoughts and feelings?  Do I really mean what I say?  Am I being authentic in my messages and my communications?

The road is never easy... .it is two steps forward and one back... .as long as the objective is what you want.

Know thyself... .and then the universe will open the right doors... .

God Bless.

[elessar]

I support what Pallavi said, because it is wise and I know the culture, and also because last summer she wrote the nicest and more empathetic reply to my story 

[stuckgirl]

It seems to me that both of you are ready to break up with each other but are afraid of your parents and generally what society or extended family or neighbors will think.  So the best is to cool off and not reply and not reach out.  Talk to your brother who is in the USA and just say that this relationship is dysfunctional and that you need his help to break to your and his parents.  Ask him his advice on how to communicate this to the parents. 

What I am trying to say is that you do not need to ask anyone as to what decision you should make.  Your mind and your heart has already made that decision.  Now the issue is how to communicate that decision to the parents.  So now, your focus should be different, it should not be on your fiancee's reaction or his welfare... .he is a man... .in our cultures men can do no wrong... .he will find another match easily and quickly.

You do not need to explain too much to anyone.  Just bring out the incident of being accused of cheating and how you had to prove that you did not cheat.  Keep bringing it up and keep saying that a marriage where there is no trust is not a good marriage. When you use third person voice like this, and continue to refer to specific incidents in a general way, you refrain from direct accusations.  So the blow from a hammer wrapped in silk is strong, but more palatable, somehow less insulting.  The more polite you are, the better.

You have to start withdrawing from him as you are giving him mixed messages.  Both of you are in an extremely dysfunctional and dissatisfying dance.  Neither of you is ready to commit and neither of you is ready to break up... .and my instinctive feeling is that it is the fear of parents and society that is preventing you from acting upon convictions that you both feel.

Pray for courage for yourself... .for you cannot control another person.  You can only control yourself.  Trying to understand minutia is immaterial and a waste of energy... .what does he mean by this and that... .should turn into what do I mean when I say this or that... .are my words same as my thoughts and feelings?  Do I really mean what I say?  Am I being authentic in my messages and my communications?

The road is never easy... .it is two steps forward and one back... .as long as the objective is what you want.

Know thyself... .and then the universe will open the right doors... .

God Bless.

know im being a coward.but like always,im thinking more about others than i should be

The first and foremost problem for me is that he knows this really unacceptable thing about me that his unstable character can easily divulge to get his steam out, if someone talks to/berates him even a little bit for whats happened. He has said many times that he will not reveal this particular thing in the whole process or embarass me,but i see these little cracks in his behaviour that let me know he can say anything to protect himself if he dysfunctions.i also know his three year old self is incapable of any self control if scolded

He was childish enough to suggest that our families should not meet at all during the termination of the r/s (they're fused by now.) and if my father berated him (i said he would probably get very upset since im the girl and told him to keep his head cool)  he would tell him the truth,yet wouldnt say what truth that would be.

What i want to do is to tell everyone what he really is like,that,or kick him to kingdom come,but this frustration is present that i cannot do anything except do it the way he wants because if he blabs it he'll effectively ruin my life  (not exaggerating here)

The second issue is that i can easily talk to my eldest brother,but my second eldest brother has gone to usa to see him after these ten years,for fifteen days, and what im thinking of instead of my impending r/s dissolution is that i dont want to ruin their time together.if i tell my fiance im going to wait 15 days and until then cut contact with him,he may lose his remaining empathy/connection and may end up telling everything,

on the other hand if i dont NC for fifteen days he may change his mind,trap me in guilt,obligation.

The third is that my youngest brother has important exams coming up in two months,ive realized i cant delay it too much to not mess up with that

This is a complicated situation...

[elessar]

if he blabs it he'll effectively ruin my life  (not exaggerating here)

I completely understand. And that is why in our culture everything gets pushed under the carpet because we are scared of the truth coming out. But you are giving him the power of blackmail over you. Take charge of your truth. I have been through hell and back. Own your truth. As much as we feel life will be ruined, it won't be if you do not allow it. Leave India if you must. Go to another city. Start anew. Just know that you have power over your life, not you.

I completely know how we do not take decisions because we wait for the right moment. What is the moment only you can decide. But know this, there will always be a reason not to say something, there will always be something coming up.

You don't have to ruin your youngest brother's exams. But you can tell your elder ones. Complications happen in life. What if 15 days later something else comes up? How long will you postpone it? Point is, take charge of your life according to what is good for you... .not what your fiance will say or do.

[stuckgirl]

if he blabs it he'll effectively ruin my life  (not exaggerating here)

I completely understand. And that is why in our culture everything gets pushed under the carpet because we are scared of the truth coming out. But you are giving him the power of blackmail over you. Take charge of your truth. I have been through hell and back. Own your truth. As much as we feel life will be ruined, it won't be if you do not allow it. Leave India if you must. Go to another city. Start anew. Just know that you have power over your life, not you.

I completely know how we do not take decisions because we wait for the right moment. What is the moment only you can decide. But know this, there will always be a reason not to say something, there will always be something coming up.

You don't have to ruin your youngest brother's exams. But you can tell your elder ones. Complications happen in life. What if 15 days later something else comes up? How long will you postpone it? Point is, take charge of your life according to what is good for you... .not what your fiance will say or do.

i know i should do that,these are the morally logically right things to do,but something stops me.

he has BPD,this must be and will hurt him a million times,this comes up.

or the hurt im feeling and i will feel when its completely over,the hopelessness and loneliness,that comes up.

something always comes up... .im sick of my own emotions,or just only that it wouldnt hurt this much... .its all so pointless.

[elessar]

don't worry, you will get there some day. I went through years of hell. every one reaches there at their own time. as long as they make the effort.

learn to learn yourself and embrace being by yourself, and it wouldn't feel so lonely. slowly over time, do things you love and you will attract people and friends who will love the same things.

it can take months or years, but know it will happen if you trust the process. if he truly is BPD, you know very well how life is going to be like unless he has gone through years of proper therapy.

i get asked one question again and again - don't you feel you deserve better?