How many months into the relationship did devalue/instability begin?

[ajr5679]

 so glad I am not the only one. 4 months she told me one time she could only be nice for about six month then she wanted out.

[Take2]

Although when my stbxw would snap out of an extended period of regression, it was like she needed to rage binge.  After she got her "fix" all would be well for a short period of time.

This is SUCH a true statement of my exuBPDbf... .  he seems to need to release the rage when he's gone for a period of time without it.  It was his stress building up and he needed to get it out of his head.  He typically unleashes on me and then can go about his business - not necessarily a happy camper after that, just slightly less volatile. 

[goingtostopthis]

It was about 5 months for me too.   and after that things were never the same, oh sure he would have his loving moments but he kept deverting back into his splitting mode where he refused to Skype, and the strangest thing was that I sent him a set of paints because hes an artist and didnt have his paints because he lost them and the true victim that he couldnt aford to replace them.    He showed me a picture he had started where the back ground was beginning to be painted a nice colbolt blue,  it wasnt finished and I ask him if he was going to finish it and he said he couldnt finish it because the paints were from me.   and You know statements like this would come out at the most unexspected times.    It was like the paints were tainted now because they were from me.  I just think that was so awful of him to say such a thing, he wanted to all ways remind me when  he saw fit that I was no longer worthly of being to him what I was, I was like a person with a desease. Oh woe... the memory of how I hurt him so bad when HEEEEEE split on me, was just too much.  Which was a wierd contradiction because the coversation continued on as normal and he ended it with hearts and kisses.  What the heck !   He wanted me believig that he had been soo hurt by me, he will never be out of his dis repair because  I did it.                I didnt do anything.  except asked him to stop telling me I have a memory problem while laughing at me and making me feel as if I had some kind of defect.  I was tired one night and couldnt remember one thing,  did  I watch his video or not, after an 10 hour work day. He kept on doing this, putting me down because I have a memory problem, (which I dont) He kept on ignoring my request to stop because it was hurting my feelings. Well, he didnt like that! He took afense to my afense. and then went off on me the split had begun. The whole time is allways me who had this unworthly, not the kind of women he wants problem that would never change.  I was the one who hurt him with this. It was all about some sick sense of having to have all the control.   He was the victum and I was perp. and then he all ways had to remind me that he doesnt feel the same way about me as I do him.  I wanted to yell, then why the heel are you still being my friend and still talking to me,  with the xxxs and the hearts and all that sheet. The cut downs and the lowering statement were intentional to put me in a place of helplessness in reference to the All Powerful Oz. I was lowered by this statement ,made to fell much much less important to him and less valued. It was on purpose.    5 months later,  he split again,  said it was over, he blocked me,     He was the abusive one out of reality.  It was like he was just making stuff up, what ever he could find to shame me for being not the women for him.  Oh brother! and oh brother! to the cruel tainted paints I sent him full of nothing but love and the best of intentions.   sick, sick he was.    5 months--------5 months again.      Its over now, thank God! He was one sick willie nilly. 

[Suspicious1]

And just to add to this, it was just over 4 months for me too. I didn't fully realise what was happening, but this was the first time I was given the ST and stood up. Because it only lasted a few days before I was split white again, I thought it was all down to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, so didn't realise I'd been split black, put it down to a blip and moved on. It bothered me enough to write several journal posts about how I'd felt abandoned and felt like ending the relationship because of it, but I rationalised it down.

4 months later it happened again, but this led to a significant devaluation that led to a massive great discard a month later, and then I was recycled and discarded on a regular three monthly basis. So my little schedule was:

First date in November

Discarded in March (recycled three days later) - 4 months

Devalued in July, discarded in August (recycled three days later) - 4-5 months

Discarded in November (recycled three weeks later) - 3 months

Devalued/discarded in February (recycled two weeks later) - 3 months

Devalued in May. I discarded to avoid the inevitable. Haven't heard from him since - 3 months

Each time I was massively idealised during the recycles, except for the second to last one where there was no honeymoon period and it just seemed to get stuck in devalue mode.

My one cheering thought whenever I get depressed about having split with him is that it's now the end of August, so bang on schedule for another discard right now. At least I'm avoiding the ___wittery.

[Vexed]

At 3-4 months, but I feel like the honeymoon phase lasted around 6 months. 

[gettingoverit]

Apparently I am an anomaly. The idealization lasted a year. Things changed when she inadvertently asked me to marry her at the one year mark with a ring and every thing, and I told her I was not ready. She COULD NOT GET OVER THAT... .even though as the years passed I proved time and again that I WAS actually committed to her... .I bought a house with her for God's sakes. By that time however, the break ups and recycling started and I just never really trusted her after she kept breaking up with me every spring. If she could have sustained a commitment for longer than 12 months , I would have married her for sure (because I actually did at one point want to marry her), however it just never came to be. Now I thank my lucky stars. No costly divorce and now I am marrying someone of true substance and no PD. Life is good again. 

[Alf17]

14 months till we first met... .10 months since we starting going ou officially.
Perfect honeymoon all this time long (she loved me more than anything, she couldn´t face live without me, sometimes when we couldn´t meet for more than a couple of days she needed to talk to me by phone as she needed to hear my voice, sometimes when she was about to be a week or so without seeing me she would leave crying bc she didn´t want to be away from me... .) and then one day I dnd´t answered a message from her inmediatly (she was trough medicine competitive exam proccess, and didn´t do well enough a test so she was really sad... .as usually when that happened) as I hadn´t my phone on me.
When I answered her she said that I had failed her, I wasn´t there when she needed me... .and in a few days it was over... .and I couldn´t recognise her... .asking me for money from sth she decided yo pay for me a month before... .insulting me, didn´t needing to know anithing from me, blocking me on her phone... .acting in such a mean way out of the blue.

[Jeffree]

I just checked. It was 7-1/2 months before she found the first thing to start in on me about... .a sister of one of my FB friends friend-requesting me. But it was a good 1-1/2 years before she turned me fully black. She devalued her bio kids (who were my stepkids) first, then my parenting, then me. About 1-1/2 years in I wanted out.

J

[JNChell]

A little over a year. We got pregnant 4 months into the relationship. After our Son was born and we had been living together for a couple of months is when things started to go downhill. Man, what a terrible experience! Looking back on everything at this moment just has me in awe. I can’t believe what I’ve allowed myself to go through over the years. The lows that I’ve sunk to and the behaviors I’ve exhibited. It’s weird, right now I don’t feel capable of those behaviors, but I know I am because I’ve already behaved that way. Scary stuff.

[Pretty Woman]

There was a  incident a month in that I waved off because she told me she was abused as a child, and so on. No apologies for what she did or said in that incident which included a lot of name calling but that was her excuse.

What I didn't realize is I failed that first test by taking her back. She knew how far she could push me. I had 0 boundaries and from that point on I'd get dumped or left for someone else every three months. It was like clockwork. Somehow we hung on for three years. It was extremely toxic but as I said, it was honestly every three months, sometimes to the exact day.

[Maxpax2011]

So did anyone see any red flags prior to the idealization ending? For both NPD and BPD nons. I myself dated a BPD woman and we started arguing within a month of dating. But it got really bad after 3-4 months then was just up and down until I left after two years of off and on with her. Someone mentioned love bombing from a narcissist? ,  would you mind elaborating? I have done research on the subject and just curious about real life experiences.

[Gunit1]

15 months it lasted, there were fights and some time apart within that and as she was cheating so couldn't see each other all the time I think it lasted longer and I probably didn't get all of her bad habits as she saved that for her bf. Then as soon as she went on work trip with another bloke first time in 15months boom she came back and was different, devalue, lies, discard. He's a married man well now left his wife for her. They seem to love the married men.

Anyone else had their BPD misses leave for older and to you a lower standard guy? I know more then just looks but dam. This girl 35 no kids and just left her long 12 year rel and me of 15 months for guy never thought be her type and he has kids.

[savreina]

mine was a month & a half before she showed her true colors, but it took her almost a good month to finally let me go & then she came back 2 months later after that & we were good for 3 months & now she’s gone. ( we were long distance & always female/female relationship ) so idk if that makes a difference. She wasn’t very confident in her sexuality

[blooming]

7 months after we started dating, so 5 months after we became official.

[Maxpax2011]

As I said with mine red flags started popping up in the first month, by month two we had a huge fight, then every month after that until we broke up two years later. Even on our first date she made a snide comment about the service at the place we ate at. But when she was nice it was amazing, there was a side of her that was so sweet and loving, I truly thought I found my soul mate. Every time we would fight or she would rage I would just tolerate it because I loved her so much and when she calmed down she was back to her sweet self. We had such a deep connection, I never felt anything like it, our intimacy was something that I don't think I could ever duplicate with anyone else sadly, it was just so deep, she reached a part of me that no woman ever has. Even the little things, like playing with my finger nails, or touching my face. The devaluing was hell, but the idealization was the best time of my life. I still miss it, but I know it would be worth all the rest of the abuse. She is probably one of the highest triggering symptoms of BPD, every week she would be triggered.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi, my rs was that of a close, short and extremely intensive emotional rollercoaster, but it was a friendship, no inimate realtionship. She didn't paint me black in the first four weeks.
It was actually me who realized that she was like poisen to me and that something was really wrong with her.
On die second and last date, she told me about personality problems and identity problems withou being specific, and I didn't ask, that was foolish of me not to ask directly.
Unfortunately, I didn't know anything about PD, NPD or BPD back last year.

I just wanted to get distance and get back into my mostly happy wife with a wonderful wife and family. I wrote a very long letter to her, explaining my emotions and basically poiting out her BPD and NPD traits without mentioning any of that because I didn't know what her problem was back then.
I think after receiving my letter, she started painting me black and contact ended after a few more SMS.

However, we met by accident again two weeks ago (last time before was May 2017) after she did the ST for two months. Before that she sent me a few SMS to see me, which I denied to do. I ran into her at a club, where she normally doesn't go on a Saturday. She put herself in front of me and started looking at me while I was looking at my phone. I don't have any idea for how long she looked at me before I saw her. When I saw her, I needed to look twice to realize that it was her, she was really almost staring into my heart trough my eyes. That was going on for minutes without any word spoken - very strange experiences. We continued doing that three times within 20 minutes, she got me a drink, she went to her friends for a few minutes and alwayes returned to my table to continue looking at each other.

I you didn't feel like talking to her, I'm sure we'll run into each other again, perhaps then we can talk.

[EdR]

My "r/s" was a very close friendship.

Went perfectly well for 2-2,5 years. Then everything changed.

In those final weeks before the clear devaluation, she began to tell me even more emotional stuff. She became closer than ever, but then things just changed. She changed.