At wit's end...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel so trapped.  I really don’t know what to do anymore.  I mean I know what I need to do, but I no longer have my backbone to do it.  No matter how hard I try to re-grow one, BPD knows exactly how to crush it back to pieces.  At one point some time ago, I felt like I was in control of myself again and not letting him control me, but I realize the FOG is back – thicker and heavier than ever. 

It all kind of started with this whole Ray Rice incident.  I’m an avid football fall and if you watch football, you know what I’m talking about.  If not, this NFL player was released from his team because of a DV incident that was caught on tape.  It has really triggered me and brought up A LOT of repressed memories for me.  I hear so many people blaming the wife, calling her stupid for marrying him, etc – I’ve not only heard strangers stating this, but people I know as well.  It just makes me angry that no matter what – the victim gets blamed.  I can totally understand why she married him and I don’t think she’s stupid at all, but rather a victim who is scared to defy her abuser.  If people only knew how hard it is to walk away from these situations even if your life is at risk.  My BPDbf has some very violent tendencies, but for some reason with this Ray Rice incident, he is sticking up for the wife as he’s had some friends make the same comments about her.  He says it’s because he’s a big & strong NFL player so it was wrong to punch her in the face.  Okay well my BPDbf is no NFL running back, but he’s still twice as big and infinitely (physically) stronger than I am.  I’m sure he could tell by the look on my face what I was thinking as he was saying this to me – that he’s just like Ray Rice – so he proceeds to say, “Well I wouldn’t back down to a woman.  I’ll hit her if she hits me first.”  It was basically his way of justifying hitting me – in his mind, I started it – of course I never laid a hand on him.  Why would I?   I’m not stupid either.  He also claimed he never hit me with a closed fist or punched me in the face – um yes, in fact, he has done both. I mean he broke his hand once during a physical altercation with me – how does that happen unless you were beating the crap out of someone.  He hasn’t been physically violent in a while, but I know he’s a ticking time bomb!

Another thing that is really bothering me is the fact that he’s out of work again. What’s more irking is that he has ZERO concern about money because he knows “Bank of grayarea” will always dispense money to him.  It makes me so angry because I’m working so hard (recently got a promotion so my work responsibilities have tripled) every day and it’s so irritating to come home to MY house where the dishes are still sitting in the sink, he’s still sitting in the same position as I left that morning – oh no let me correct that – he does get out every now and then to go hang out with other women.  Basically does nothing to find a job – he keeps going to the same interviews to sell life insurance then coming home claiming he can be making $100K, but never does…at least not in the last 8 years.  Not that he contributes much to the household expenses anyway, but now he can’t even buy any groceries so I have to feed him, shelter him, and basically take care of him as if he’s my damn child.  Then complains if I ask him to do something like cook dinner after I’ve worked a 12 hr day and did everything else.  I just want an equal partner, not this one-sided crap.  It’s so old.

Ugh I need to cut this short…I can only do this at work, but my boss needs something so this is it for now. 

[grayarea]

I feel so trapped.  I really don’t know what to do anymore.  I mean I know what I need to do, but I no longer have my backbone to do it.  No matter how hard I try to re-grow one, BPD knows exactly how to crush it back to pieces.  At one point some time ago, I felt like I was in control of myself again and not letting him control me, but I realize the FOG is back – thicker and heavier than ever. 

It all kind of started with this whole Ray Rice incident.  I’m an avid football fall and if you watch football, you know what I’m talking about.  If not, this NFL player was released from his team because of a DV incident that was caught on tape.  It has really triggered me and brought up A LOT of repressed memories for me.  I hear so many people blaming the wife, calling her stupid for marrying him, etc – I’ve not only heard strangers stating this, but people I know as well.  It just makes me angry that no matter what – the victim gets blamed.  I can totally understand why she married him and I don’t think she’s stupid at all, but rather a victim who is scared to defy her abuser.  If people only knew how hard it is to walk away from these situations even if your life is at risk.  My BPDbf has some very violent tendencies, but for some reason with this Ray Rice incident, he is sticking up for the wife as he’s had some friends make the same comments about her.  He says it’s because he’s a big & strong NFL player so it was wrong to punch her in the face.  Okay well my BPDbf is no NFL running back, but he’s still twice as big and infinitely (physically) stronger than I am.  I’m sure he could tell by the look on my face what I was thinking as he was saying this to me – that he’s just like Ray Rice – so he proceeds to say, “Well I wouldn’t back down to a woman.  I’ll hit her if she hits me first.”  It was basically his way of justifying hitting me – in his mind, I started it – of course I never laid a hand on him.  Why would I?   I’m not stupid either.  He also claimed he never hit me with a closed fist or punched me in the face – um yes, in fact, he has done both. I mean he broke his hand once during a physical altercation with me – how does that happen unless you were beating the crap out of someone.  He hasn’t been physically violent in a while, but I know he’s a ticking time bomb!

Another thing that is really bothering me is the fact that he’s out of work again. What’s more irking is that he has ZERO concern about money because he knows “Bank of grayarea” will always dispense money to him.  It makes me so angry because I’m working so hard (recently got a promotion so my work responsibilities have tripled) every day and it’s so irritating to come home to MY house where the dishes are still sitting in the sink, he’s still sitting in the same position as I left that morning – oh no let me correct that – he does get out every now and then to go hang out with other women.  Basically does nothing to find a job – he keeps going to the same interviews to sell life insurance then coming home claiming he can be making $100K, but never does…at least not in the last 8 years.  Not that he contributes much to the household expenses anyway, but now he can’t even buy any groceries so I have to feed him, shelter him, and basically take care of him as if he’s my damn child.  Then complains if I ask him to do something like cook dinner after I’ve worked a 12 hr day and did everything else.  I just want an equal partner, not this one-sided crap.  It’s so old.

Ugh I need to cut this short…I can only do this at work, but my boss needs something so this is it for now. 

[startrekuser]

I'm not an expert on this, but can you call the police and get him kicked out of the house?  You did say that it's your house.  Also, there are abuse/rape crisis centers you can call.  Maybe they can help.  I'm sure they are easy to find on the internet.

[summera]

I am so sorry for your situation.  I just made a post about abuse/trauma bonding and I encourage you to check out the website that I quoted in my post: www.abuseandrelationships.org/

My husband left because he was having an affair and I told him he couldn't stay and have a girlfriend on the side. I won't allow an open marriage, though I was willing to forgive him if he was remorseful and he got help. That didn't happen.  Prior to this, I felt so much love for him and thought he loved me even though he only showed his love for me when he felt like it.  I thought we were soulmates and would grow old together and thought he would grow up more along the way.  I didn't know about BPD aside from the short list of characteristics, only suspected it, now I am really sure.  This was the first time I ever suspected cheating, but who knows what else has been going on.  With this girl, she is a replacement in that they are "in love" and she has shown him that she is totally devoted to him. I am in the picture probably as some sort of back up in his mind.  I am still struggling with wanting him back, but we are in the divorce process.  I too was supporting him a lot and felt like a parent not a partner, which sucked.  The plan was for him to finish school then get a job, but instead he is gone.

Someone who has never experienced "trauma bonding" or manipulation will likely think they are immune to it.  As this forum shows, any person could be susceptible in my opinion.  You may think that you are a strong confident person with no issues, but everyone has issues.  Those issues can be found out and used against you and it won't be obvious.  People who haven't experienced it will think that they would know they were being manipulated.  Some people may have seen manipulation beginning and got out.  A lot of this may depend on how skilled or not skilled their manipulator was.  Those same people in a different situation with a different person may find themselves where they never imagined they would be. Abuse is subtle at first, and occurs slowly after your trust and love has been obtained.  No one is getting hit on a first date and going out for a second.  I have never been physically harmed by my husband, but I understand completely now how a person could end up in a very bad relationship- and still not completely want to leave.  I never thought about leaving before I found out about the other woman. I think BPD is so complicated because you get this wonderful person sometimes who you think is the "real" him.  Unfortunately, all aspects of him are the real him. 

There are people on this forum of very short lived relationships who are struggling with wanting a person back who they know abused them in some way.  A person with a long relationship is going to be experiencing similar things on a magnified level.

I hope you will use this forum and other support to gain the confidence and strength you need to make your decision, whatever it is.  I hope you will not let yourself to continue to be abused in any way, you don't deserve it.  Stay safe in the process.

[upsidedown_world]

One-sided relationships aren't limited to BPD partners.  Someone could have this very situation and have a nonBPD spouse, it sounds very typical of all kinds of scenarios where someone is struggling with any underlying lacking sense of self-worth (job loss, for example).

In a non-BPD situation, this would likely warrant couples counseling if the parties wanted to improve things... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hi grayarea, I find your feelings quite normal for someone in a BPD r/s.  It's exhausting after a while and one gets worn down, to the point that often there's nothing left in the tank to fuel the necessary changes.  Yet it seems like, on some level, you know what you have to do if you're going to be happy again.  You're in a tough spot, I know.  LuckyJim