ex with BPD left me cause i was depressed and suicidal... cant figure it out

[BlackandBlue]

Im just so confused... .its been almost 6 months since the breakup and im still struggling. Im 35 and ive struggled off and on with depression and anxiety most of my adult life. When i got into my relationship with my ex i was aware she had some problems too... .but i didnt know she had BPD... .in fact i never heard of BPD up until about a month ago and now everything is coming together and its starting to make sense. At first the relationship was great... .like others who have gone through this, we thought we were each others soulmate. Ive never felt so loved and adored. She was extremely clingy and at times it would slightly annoy me but i dealt with it... .i was in love. Things were moving fast and i decided to let her move in with me and i started to notice some things about her. She became even more clingy and started to show signs of extremely low confidence and self esteem. She also worried excessively that i was gonna leave her for another  "more attractive" woman. No matter whatat i did or said ever reassured her that i thought she was beautiful and wasnt going to leave. Eventually over time this wore me down and we began to fight about this. She began saying thing that i better only find her attractive and better not be looking at other women. she would start fight about some of my ex girlfriends who i havent talked to for years and had no desire to be with. She started accusing me of watching porn when i wasnt. It was starting to get out of control and i was becoming depressed. Financial problems started occurring too. She was always short on cash and couldn't afford her bills and wasnt helping pay for rent and food and now i was getting worried because since she was so broke i was paying for everything... .even some of her bills. She kept saying "ill be able to help you soon" but that never happened. Now i was really depressed and having terrible anxiety and panic attacks because i was starting to run low on cash. I began feeling hopeless and suicidal and finally after a fight over having kids with her i lost it and made an attempt at taking my life. Instead of trying to help me she became hostile and started ripping me to pieces verbaly. Her exact words were "im too young forgot this... .i shouldn't be dealing with someone thats suicidal... .i should be having fun" . So just like that she decided that she was done... .after all the love and support i gave her... .emotionally, physical, and financially she split. The pain has been unreal and all i can think about is her. Why would someone so worried about me leaving her leave me? Just so confused

[fromheeltoheal]

Well it's a good thing you weren't successful killing yourself, but think about it, someone who drove you so far down that you contemplated suicide, it should be good news she's gone, right?  What you've described about her sounds like standard borderline, and it will help to read as much as you can about the disorder and read the other posts here, and you will see that you are not alone and what you went through is not unique, all of which will make you feel better and validated.

A suicide attempt is serious though, and I'm assuming you aren't in contact with her, after six months, but you do sound stuck.  Are you getting professional help?  Sometimes talking to someone who can empathize and give you some support and direction can make all the difference.  Stay here, post a lot, and keep us updated.  Take care of you!

[BlackandBlue]

thanks for the reply. i am seeing a therapist and it does seem to help somewhat. unfortunately, i don't have much support otherwise... .no friends and very little family. i have bought various books about BPD ("i hate you don't leave me" and "stop walking on eggshells" after reading those books and stuff here at BPD family there is no doubt in my mind shes borderline. its a shame, i didn't even know about BPD while we are together. im not sure if she is even aware she is borderline or not... .maybe she does and was keeping it from me. when i think back to some things she has said to me it kinda seems like she does know something but im not total sure. i think there was a lot she was keeping from me and lots of lying going on now. i did tell her various times during our year long relationship that if she doesn't get help for her constant low confidence and self esteem that its going to drive me away. i said its not fair to keep beating me up for things im not even doing wrong. she made an appointment with a therapist but never went. she said that she doesn't believe in therapy and they wont be able to help her because they don't know her or the situations shes been through. im just so lost... .its been almost 6 months since we broke up and 2 months without contact and im in constant pain. unfortunately we work together which isn't helping matters. we tried being friends after we broke up but i often felt like i was being used or manipulated and if i brought it up she would go ballistic and say some of the meanest, coldest, and cruelest ever! i would break down and cry a lot of the time and she would call me a baby or a drama queen. what hurt the most is when she said im not even a real man and she hates me and everything i stand for. how could you say this kind of stuff to someone who tried to take his life just recently? when i asked why shes so mean to me she said shes mad for all the things i did to her... .but i never did anything bad to her. i wanted to help her and for us to have a healthy relationship. she had the nerve to meet up with another guy in the parking lot at work right at the time i go to my car everyday to take a break. she literally has no heart! i don't want her back in my life but i don't want to see or hear about her with another guy either... .that stung! i had low self esteem before the relationship (which i probably how i ended up with her) and now im left with none.

[trappedinlove]

BlackandBlue, first my sympathy to you for having to go through such a touch r/s.

You being depressed and suicidal presents the ultimate abandonment threat to a pwBPD

which triggers her and causes splitting and painting you black like she did.

It's a kind of proactive survival stunt that helps her prevent you abandoning her by abandoning you first.

It all sounds very toxic to you so it can be all for the better.

Stay strong and take good care of yourself!

TIL

[rockinne]

I am healing from two relationships in a row with BPD women.  The most recent was like yours in that she was hyper-jealous of every other woman in the world and accused me constantly of attempting to be unfaithful.  I too read the books you mentioned. I read all I could to try to understand the sickness in order to better understand them.  However, I never really started to heal until I started to learn and understand myself rather than them.  I cannot change them no or convince them to change themselves, no matter how well I think I understand them.  Most of the books on coping in relationships with someone with BPD are simply that.  Strategies for coping not about actually being happy in the relationship. That is an impossible dream that we hold on to and can never be.  We can never be the one who brings them the happiness they have never known with anyone else in their lives before.  They can never be happy without years of therapy and hard work on their own.  We are just their enablers as long as we remain in a relationship with them.   

I have been reading books to understand myself and why I am the way I am, and that has changed my life.  "Healing Your Emotional Self" was a powerful book and helped me understand a  lot.  Your current emotions about yourself go far deeper much further back in your life than the relationship with your BPD.  A long article I read on getinbetter.com website was titled ":)o You Love to Be Needed, or Need to Be Loved" helped me see so much about myself and how I got to where I was in the relationship with BPD people.  "Living and Loving After Betrayal", "Who's Pulling Your Strings", "Toxic Relaionships", "Controlling People", "In Sheeps Clothing" were each excellent books that have helped me understand the people in my life, especially the BPD attachments I had, and what I need to do to heal.  A book that I recently finished was called "The Anatomy of Peace". 

Focus on how you allowed yourself to get into and stay in the toxic BPD relationship and begin the work of healing yourself now instead of trying to understand her and how she could do the things she did to you.  Life will get better.  You will learn how to be happy.  You will eventually find healthy and happy relationships.   

[BlackandBlue]

thank you guys from taking the time to reply. these forums have been great and its nice knowing I actually have some support somewhere. trappedinlove, that's kinda what I was thinking... .that me being depressed and trying to take my own life was seen as potential abandonment. she told me that something "happened to her that night and I don't feel the same about you" she also would tell me while out in public with her that I need to stop looking depressed because it was making her look bad. and you are right, the whole situation was toxic and I know that its for the best that we aren't together anymore. when you try to take your life you have hit rock bottom and she is what put me there. I will say that I miss the early days and months of that relationship when things were awesome. but I wish I knew what I know now back then... .that it was all just a fantasy in her mind and she was probably never in love with me.

rockinne, when I think back to all of my previous realtionships there is a definite pattern going on because I seem to end up in toxic relationships quite often. this last one is the one that really did the most damage to me though. i really did love her and did my best to make her happy but it wasn't enough. deep down I know that I have a codependency problem and low self esteem. i am working on these things in therapy. youre right about those books i read, they are more for how to cope with the person with BPD. i do like reading the symptoms of BPD in those books (i know... .im being ridiculous) because it kinda reassures me that i wasn't totally my fault. my ex has definitely painted me black and i still beat myself up at times. she almost had me convinced that it was all my fault things didn't work out at one point. but that was before i knew what BPD even was. im going to look into those books you mentioned because i need to focus why i ended up in this toxic relationship in the first place and i need to learn to be happy... .because i honestly don't know how.