Devaluation - did she believe the insults or were they temporary projections

[Hawk Ridge]

As I continue to try to recover from the months of putdowns, I am haunted by the degradations.  Did she really believe those insults? Does she still or was it just what she believed at the time to protect herself?  Still so painful to remember as I try to get my self-confidence back.  Sometimes, I just want to go back to her just to prove to her I am nit the loser she treated so badly. Away from her, I am a respected professional.  I wish I could shake this.  Working on it with my therapist.  Is this familiar to anyone else?

[Suspicious1]

Very. I have good self esteem in lots of areas, yet I have been recycled for this very reason. Validation. Someone who thought so highly of me then thought I was the very devil. I needed him to take that burden away from me, and I needed to prove him wrong. Sometimes I think that if I could just go back one more time to resolve it, I could walk away and get on with my life.

I've put it all down to trauma bonding. He doesn't hold the key to it all and whether he believed the bad stuff or not, his beliefs are not my problem. I can't control them, I can only control me.

Working on breaking the trauma bonds now, which is a painful process. I'm sure that's where the problem really is.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you for saying that ... .exactly what I needed to hear this am. Thank you

[hurting300]

Yes it's called projection . They think we are losers when they are actually.

[Hawk Ridge]

If they attempt to recycle, are they still believing those things?  Any tips on battling the shame that remains after she is gone? Just haunts me. Man, I had no idea what people went through - this is physically painful. 

[Caredverymuch]

As I continue to try to recover from the months of putdowns, I am haunted by the degradations.  Did she really believe those insults? Does she still or was it just what she believed at the time to protect herself?  Still so painful to remember as I try to get my self-confidence back.  Sometimes, I just want to go back to her just to prove to her I am nit the loser she treated so badly. Away from her, I am a respected professional.  I wish I could shake this.  Working on it with my therapist.  Is this familiar to anyone else?

Hawk Ridge,

Projecting occurs when the shame of the BPD carriers becomes too much. So they hand some of their self shame over to us.  The accusations are so intensely delivered and so believable in their view, that they become incredibly hurtful to the receiver.  And, if you are like many here, you may have gone to great length to try to "undo" the accusation. To try to redirect your partners vision of you. Right side yourself, if you will.

It's the disorder speaking. The techniques that many use who remain in the r/s help to deal with this.

Additionally, the pBPD feels whatever they are feeling in the moment and then move on to feel an entirely different feeling in the next moment. Emotions become their facts that back up their emotion. Which is again the disorder at work.

It's incredibly difficult to not personalize projections. Especially when they attack our character.  I had no idea about BPD when I was in my r/s. I can recall be ambushed with hurt when my expBPD would hurl such attacks against my character at me.  It would come out of no where and be delivered with such a convincing monologue that I would just sit there astonished and greatly hurt.

Recycling and d/d go hand and hand.  Every time they recycle us, they have more control to continue to devalue us. Again, the disorder.

The question that is more important to ask yourself is why you feel you have to validate yourself via a recycle.  I know it's difficult as I, too, did the same.  Understanding more about the disorder is what's helped me the most to understand that my ex's perception of me is not my reality.

[Moselle]

As I continue to try to recover from the months of putdowns, I am haunted by the degradations.  Did she really believe those insults? Does she still or was it just what she believed at the time to protect herself?  Still so painful to remember as I try to get my self-confidence back.  Sometimes, I just want to go back to her just to prove to her I am nit the loser she treated so badly. Away from her, I am a respected professional.  I wish I could shake this.  Working on it with my therapist.  Is this familiar to anyone else?

Yes, it is normal fare. What helps me feel better is to remember that this is a person with a serious mental disorder, 90% of what they say is actually not about you, it's how that feel about themselves. If it gets to this, just withdraw/disengage saying "I'm leaving this conversation for my own good". And just leave. If you see/feel it coming, perhaps you can validate your way through it and avoid the vitriol. I see it coming now, but I'm still working on validating someone who's behaving so badly.

I have some compassion for them, having learned about the excruciating pain they are under in that moment they feel abandoned.

I've got a BPD NPD wife. You'd think those would cancel eachother out ... .they don't :-)

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you all for humbly sharing your experiences and thoughts.  I often ask myself some of those same questions?  What is my motivation to want a recycle? Is it to redeem myself? Is it to prove to her that I am (i know this is ridiculous by the way) am "the only one" who she can count on?  Foolish foolish me!  Is it merely that I just miss who we were when it was good?   I wish I knew the answers.  It's been 5+ months and even though she has contacted me a few times, it has been with that cold condescending voice.  My ego dies a little every day thinking other BPD's come back sooner... .crazy thinking... .maybe I wasn't even good enough for her to want to return to... .crazy thinking.  Having been brought to my knees and every day feeling like I may be closer to get back up, not the same as I was before this but standing nonetheless. It has felt just crazy to me that her projections could make me question my worth to this magnitude.  I feel compassion for what led her to this disease but my perhaps it is the lack of closure and knowing, the abruptness of the loss, that has led me this abyss.  I know I keep saying this but thank you for sharing and giving me knowledge and courage.  I wish you could just make this all go away but no one can so I will stick with this incredible gift of this community.  Thank you... .oh and keep talking.  :-)

[acknowledgement]

Your pain is so very real... .and we can all feel it... .however, after almost a year no contact and not responding to the painting black (this was after being the victim of several other silent treatment episodes, being dumped and painted black, controlling relationship, unable to please no matter what I did, THIS Went on FOR DECADES I am ashamed to say I wish I had known what I know now, and would have left the friendship long ago... .after the first silent treatment, mistreatment, painting black, etc... .for it is NOT healthy, NOT normal - we love the way we think they love us... .we love who we think they are - but the sooner you realize they never loved you, you only served a purpose in their life, and if you are not fulfilling their need you are no longer needed, and who you thought they were was definitely NOT who they really are - they are so caught up in their agony, mirroring, projecting, painting black... .the important question to free yourself from this person is WHY do you want this unbalanced abnormality in your life - they are a bad habit that we have somehow learned to need... .LET THEM GO. You will not miss them after you look back, make normal friends, have relationships with normal people... .please listen feel your pain but LET GO. It is so freeing and wonderful without them... .

[Suspicious1]

Hawk Ridge, it's been nearly 4 months for me and I have the same thoughts over the fact that he has not attempted a recycle. All I can do is remember the turmoil it would cause and try to make the most of the silence without worrying what he thinks of me.

[hergestridge]

Sometimes, I just want to go back to her just to prove to her I am nit the loser she treated so badly.

You can do this, and then she will pain you black again and then it's all undone work.

When my wife left me she admitted she is constantly painting me black for things I said up to 15 years ago. There is no way you can prove anything to your wife anymore. You have already set hundreds of balls rolling.

[acknowledgement]

The yearning for a recycle is to validate that we are important, that the relationship did mean something - until you understand BPD and realize that to them the relationship did not mean what it did to you - to them you are replaceable and forgettable - why would you want to be recycled by someone who is not capable of true love or true friendship or commitment? They are emotionally unstable and truly mentally ill - they will always bring you down, paint you black, mirror, split, torment, use feelings to make facts, always think you are wrong, never ever let you forget any perceived wrongdoing, and the silent treatments - they will continue and be more tortuous as you wonder what you did wrong and how to fix it... .stop the cycle in its tracks - leave them before they replace and detach and discard from you - only then will you see clearly the BPD for exactly who they are not who you thought or wanted them to be... .you will be open to meet normal people who will actually enhance your life not control it with misery!