Conquering Shame and Codependency - Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

[Rapt Reader]

Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You Author: Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Publisher: Hazelden (June 10, 2014) Paperback: 180 pages ISBN-10: 1616495332 ISBN-13: 978-1616495336

Book Description
In Conquering Shame and Codependency, the author explores how codependents’ feelings and beliefs about guilt and shame affect their identity, their behavior, and how these feelings and beliefs can break down trust and love in relationships. This topic is very real and personal for the author who had to come to terms with her own codependent relationship that had left her isolated and out of touch with friends and family, as well as distanced from her own feelings. Lancer left both a toxic relationship and her former profession to become a therapist. In her book, Lancer provides extensive information on the different types of shame and its various manifestations.  The last chapter of the book offers an eight steps plan to heal and develop healthy relationships.

About the Author
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years experience and in private practice in Santa Monica, CA.  Lancer specializes in relationships and codependency, abuse, trauma, and addiction.  She has also practiced  Brookside Institute addiction rehabilitation center and has been she's been a consultant and workshop presenter at many addiction rehabilitation facilities in the Southern California.  Lancer earned her Masters in Clinical Psychology at Antioch University in 1989 and her Juris Doctor at U.C.L.A. School of Law in 1970.  She was certified by the American School of Hypnotherapy in 2004 and is a AAMFT approved supervisor.

[Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.]

Thank you for your review. It's easy to fall into the "well of shame" described in my book with someone who has BPD when he or she is in the Hyde phase of devaluing you. Their own shame gets projected and is reason enough to keep you at a distance just when you think you're getting close or so they retain the upper hand to ensure you won't leave - due to shame and associated abandonment fears. I understand the dynamic personally and professionally. Anyone who has abandonment issues and low self-esteem can easily be drawn in by the attention, need, and seduction of the BP, but it's not so easy to leave.

[Mutt]

Hi Darlene,

I identified that my shame was there before having met my spouse that is undiagnosed with borderline traits. I had also identified that I had abandonment issues and low self esteem before going into a relationship with a BP. I had thought that my abandonment issues were connected to being adopted but didn't know that it could be connected to codependency.

The projected "well of shame" combined with our own shame is a lot emotionally. It's very difficult to cope when you are in a relationship with a BP I believe. I was neglecting my own needs and wants and putting her needs before mine. I was emotionally and spiritually starving myself and I became unhappier and more depressed. The relationship kept sinking deeper in quagmire and it was so frustrating.

I have identified that I am codependent. I read that codependency is a blue print or your programming of sorts from your childhood. BP have DBT, CBT and schema therapy to change their programming, is it the same with codependents?

[Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.]

CBT is effective for codependency. DBT may be. It's a variation of CBT and designed to work well for BPD. CBT also has been shown to be effective in healing PTSD, along with many other techniques covered in my books, such as EMDR and SE (somatic experiencing).