I don't like the assumption that I am a co-dependent.

[freedom33]

I don't like the assumption that becayse I use this forum or got in a rs with pwBPD I am a co-dependent.  I don't want to caretake. I loved her and I still do but it is not possible to have a rs with her. It will ruin me. So when the ___ hit the fan I left. Saying that people here are codependents is a gross over generalisation. Same as saying that all BPD people are so and so. All generalisations are false. My 2 cents...

PS. Codependency was proposed for inclusion in DSM (APA Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and rejected because there are so many symptoms almost anyone could be diagnosed with codependency

[Skip]

By the way I don't like the assumption that because I use this forum or got in a rs with pwBPD I am a co-dependent.  I don't want to caretake.

Who is making this assumption?    

There are 4 or 5 models discussed here of typical "BPD" relationship partners and they are here to help us get a handle on who we are and to understand what changes we need to make to live differently.  Finding yourself in all of this is a personal journey toward self-awareness.  Some get off the bus a the first stop.

Codependency is not in the DSM - it's not a disease - maybe more of a proclivity or a relationship pattern or a dysfunctional response to relationship failure.

I am someone who doesn't run away at the first or 1000th sign of trouble. I am a loyal person who toughed out a lot of abuse because I loved her. Believing so strongly in something and giving it my all... .

Is this a good thing?

Definition: Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the California Polytechnic State University, says “Codependent relationships are a specific type of dysfunctional helping relationship." Burn defines a codependent relationships as a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables the other person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

People with a predisposition to be a codependent enabler often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs.

For the enabler a codependent relationship fulfills a strong drive to feel needed. Some enablers always need to be in a relationship because they feel lost or lonely when they’re by themselves.  Codependents are often inherently afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own, and in these cases the enabling behavior is a way to mitigate fears of abandonment.  Codependent enablers often lack in self-worth and define their worth through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them. They need other people to validate them to feel okay about themselves and without this, they are unable to find their own worth or identity.  For some, the codependent relationship will satisfy the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner.

For the enabled person the dependence on the enabler is equally profound. In a codependent relationship, their poor functioning essentially brings them much needed love, care, and concern from an enabler and they are accepted as they are with their addiction, or poor mental or physical health.  The enabler's consistent support reduces the outside pressures on the enabled person to mature, or advance their life skills or confidence.  And, due to their below average functioning, the enabled person may have few relationships as close as their relationship with the enabler. This makes them highly dependent on the enabler to satisfy needs normally met by multiple close relationships.

See Complete Article

[BacknthSaddle]

By the way I don't like the assumption that becayse I use this forum or got in a rs with pwBPD I am a co-dependent.  I don't want to caretake. I loved her and I still do but it is not possible to have a rs with her. It will ruin me. So when the ___ hit the fan I left. Saying that people here are codependents is a gross over generalisation. Same as saying that all BPD people are so and so. All generalisations are false. My 2 cents...

PS. Codependency was proposed for inclusion in DSM (APA Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and rejected because there are so many symptoms almost anyone could be diagnosed with codependency

I am not making this generalization above.  I do believe it has been true of me in some of my relationships, not in others, and it was true of my ex as well.  My point is more that an unhealthy relationship requires two people, and trying to determine if you had some role in the unhealthy dynamics is potentially productive.  Of course, venting is productive too, but it is unlikely to have the lasting benefit of trying to determine if there is something that needs work in ourselves that can be addressed. 

[Mr Hollande]

By the way I don't like the assumption that becayse I use this forum or got in a rs with pwBPD I am a co-dependent.  I don't want to caretake. I loved her and I still do but it is not possible to have a rs with her. It will ruin me. So when the ___ hit the fan I left. Saying that people here are codependents is a gross over generalisation. Same as saying that all BPD people are so and so. All generalisations are false. My 2 cents...

PS. Codependency was proposed for inclusion in DSM (APA Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and rejected because there are so many symptoms almost anyone could be diagnosed with codependency

I am not making this generalization above.  I do believe it has been true of me in some of my relationships, not in others, and it was true of my ex as well.  My point is more that an unhealthy relationship requires two people, and trying to determine if you had some role in the unhealthy dynamics is potentially productive.  Of course, venting is productive too, but it is unlikely to have the lasting benefit of trying to determine if there is something that needs work in ourselves that can be addressed.  

F33 makes a good point that not all of us here have low self esteem issues with a need to punish ourselves for having done nothing but love a sick person. I am someone who doesn't run away at the first or 1000th sign of trouble. I am a loyal person who toughed out a lot of abuse because I loved her. Believing so strongly in something and giving it my all only to see it crumble before my eyes has been punishment enough. There is no reason to cane myself further for being a kind, loyal and caring person. It's fair enough that having allowed at least 2 BPD women into my life shows a clear pattern that needs to be addressed and adjusted but I really cannot identify with some of the masochistic posts I see here on a regular basis. I didn't deserve what was done to me. No one here did!

[BacknthSaddle]

I would push back a little on the idea that trying to identify areas for improvement is equivalent to "punishing ourselves."  I agree that many people on these boards do not have co-dependency issues, but identifying that you do have them is not equivalent to "caning yourself."  And I don't think anyone here is suggesting that anyone "deserved" abuse. 

Like you, I also am someone who does not run away at "the 1000th sign of trouble," and I would argue that, whether or not you think this is a desirable trait, it was certainly NOT a desirable trait in a relationship with my ex.  My point (one of them) is that, when I came here, I think it was important to me that my ex was unable to have a healthy relationship. But why should I care about what kind of relationships she has, especially in the future, when I expect her not to be a part of my life?  What's important is that it's impossible for her to have a healthy relationship WITH ME or any conceivable version of me.  Perhaps she could have "success" with someone, but that someone would look nothing like me emotionally (or likely in other ways).  So there is no way for me to make it "work" between us.  And I have found this realization useful in detaching .

[Mr Hollande]

I would push back a little on the idea that trying to identify areas for improvement is equivalent to "punishing ourselves."  I agree that many people on these boards do not have co-dependency issues, but identifying that you do have them is not equivalent to "caning yourself."

I may be wrong but it seems to be regarded as a universal truth that everyone here must have them. I certainly don't identify with that. How often do we see "knight in shining armour complex" bandied about? Quite often I think. While that may be the case for some it's, like you say, not the case for everyone. Not all of us need our worth confirmed by acting out hero fantasies. And that is what brings me back to my previous point. I stayed with her out of love and loyalty and not some creepy hero complex. I did not get off on the conflict and the drama. I wanted to overcome them. The problem, as you correctly pointed out, was that I wanted it too much which is why I stuck around long enough to be abandoned like the broken toy I had become. I accept that but suggesting that the love some of us had our ex's was based on a hero complex is quite disgusting.

I loved her and wanted to help her with her problems. I did it with the hope that they would go away so we could get on with our life together. I did not deserve to be treated like that. I did not deserve to be abandoned like that. She had no right to. I hate her for what she did and I always will. She'll come crawling back but there is no forgiveness for her here anymore and right now it's important for me that she understands that.

[BacknthSaddle]

I accept that but suggesting that the love some of us had our ex's was based on a hero complex is quite disgusting.

I guess I just don't see who is suggesting that.  I'm certainly not.  

I loved her and wanted to help her with her problems. I did it with the hope that they would go away so we could get on with our life together. I did not deserve to be treated like that. I did not deserve to be abandoned like that. She had no right to. I hate her for what she did and I always will. She'll come crawling back but there is no forgiveness for her here anymore and right now it's important for me that she understands that.

This is true of me as well, by in large.  The question I"ve been asking myself is: why, after it should have been clear pretty early on that I wouldn't be able to help her with her problems, did I continue trying?  

Here's an illustration: she told me at some point midway through the relationship that she had "PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder."  She was not using this as a term to mean PMS; she's a mental health professional and knew what she was saying.  If you look up any literature on PMDD, it all says that a characteristic of the disorder is that relationships tend to be chaotic and are frequently destroyed by the partner with PMDD.  I know that when I saw this, I thought I would be able to overcome it.  Why did I think that?  I'm not satisfied with "because I loved her," because I have loved other people before and know that love is not enough to overcome all difficulties.  I don't think I wanted to be a "hero," per se, but I did overestimate my abilities and ignored my instincts.  

[Mr Hollande]

I am someone who doesn't run away at the first or 1000th sign of trouble. I am a loyal person who toughed out a lot of abuse because I loved her. Believing so strongly in something and giving it my all... .

Is this a good thing?

No. It's what left me exposed to her and her insanity. It's not for lack of walking out because I did that on several occasions. The problem was not knowing BPD and therefore believing her BS enough to be roped back in again. Some would say that's on me and I can see the argument for that but ultimately I don't think it is. I am a normal person who met someone I loved and wanted to be with. How on Earth could I known she was bat___ crazy and about to rip me to shreds? I simply can't be angry with myself for that. She did that to me, not me. I never stood a chance. She's then one who deserves the hate, not me.

I did overestimate my abilities and ignored my instincts.

I'm certainly guilty of that.

[freedom33]

This thread's title 'Any BPD relationship success stories?' lacks basic internal logic consistency.

If one's goal is to have a succesful relationship with a person suffering from a disorder that primarily is characterised by an inability to have succesful relationships sounds to me as an oxymoron.

I have also just realised how delusional I was to entertain such thoughts myself a few months ago.  These relationships are a great paradox.

[goldylamont]

Regarding codependency of members on this site: freedom33 and Mr Hollande, i can understand where you are coming from, feeling the need to state that you do not feel you have the same codependent traits of others here.

I don't think it's intentional at all but there does seem to be somewhat of a bias or assumption that participants are co-dependent in some way. i could never relate to codependency, white-knighting, etc. i know i experienced idealization, and i was totally in love with my ex. yet after it ended i didn't feel the loss of having an overly-intense passion that some have experienced. i felt just as loved and cared for by my 3 other healthy ex's as well as my uxBPDgf. also, can't say sex was the best in the world, ever--it was just really good and i was really satisfied. i kind of don't have long term r/s unless they are sexually satisfying for me so even with the healthy women i was with it was fun and i felt good... .

i think in relationships i'm somewhere between the Secure and Dismissive/Avoidant attachment types. i've felt secure and trusting in all 4 of my LT r/s yet i have been described by ex's as aloof. i'm kind of picky when falling in love, was very non-committal when i was younger, but with maturity i'm softening up and it's easier for me to fall in love now... .

What i've noticed from my experience here is that the majority of 'nons' here actually do have codependent traits. I did a post a while back called "Spectrum of Nons" where i brought up the issue of feeling that we should view nons on a spectrum the same as pwBPD because i felt as if others were assuming i had the same issues as they. i do have issues, just different ones.

And, since having this thread it really opened my eyes to the fact that the majority of users here do have codependent traits. So, freedom33 and Mr Hollande, once i figured this out it was a big "ohhh, i see" moment for me and now when i read and post i take this into account. i do from time to time have to point out that my issues aren't the same as many of the common ones here, but at the same time it doesn't trigger me as much since i realize i'm in the minority when it comes to codependency. As long as there is a great majority of codependents then sometimes assumptions may be made, i just don't get offended anymore knowing this is more of a numbers game.

i do remember on that previous thread though there was one poster who just swore up and down that i had to be codependent and that i was just in denial and repressing it. this isn't true for me. yet at the same time i recognize that many people when discovering their codependent traits actually go through a stage of denial/repression, so i suppose it's understandable to some degree that someone may not believe me initially. it's all good.

Mr Hollande, also as you don't identify with one of the major traits for nons here, do you know why perhaps you have had more than one major r/s with pwBPD? While codependency is at the root of the pattern for many, do you see any patterns and subsequently causes in your case?

[Conundrum]

Whether co-dependent, counter-dependent, alpha, beta, or omega is immaterial, bc after encountering a BPD woman, no man is left unscathed. The sirens call has a mythical appeal that slays hero, villain and demigod. The material question which holds relevancy in application is--after sufficient time has passed for healing to have taken hold--why are many still not ok? This is where the collective wisdom may be of great benefit.

[Infern0]

Part of what makes us normal is the ability to self evaluate and consider the possibility that we have issues to work on.

I don't think I'm Co dependant.  I'm happy being single and enjoy my own company,  I do have nice guy issues though,  that's become glaringly obvious to me and I'm working hard on it.

It's not a bad thing to look at yourself and think about what you could improve upon.

[drummerboy]

I think that "callous" (for want of a better word) people could enjoy the idealisation phase and move on when the crap started without looking back. It would be easy to label the idealisation phase as someone having conned us but I don't think that's it.  In my case, when my ex started talking about marriage after 2 weeks I should have sobered up and said "hang on darlin, we've only known each other for two weeks" but such was the power of that infatuation/idealisation stage. I know men who would have laughed at that point but not me. I guess the main question is why would some men run for the hills when the red flags started and why did most of us in here allow ourselves to get caught up in what was actually total lust/infatuation.

Whether co-dependent, counter-dependent, alpha, beta, or omega is immaterial, bc after encountering a BPD woman, no man is left unscathed. The sirens call has a mythical appeal that slays hero, villain and demigod. The material question which holds relevancy in application is--after sufficient time has passed for healing to have taken hold--why are many still not ok? This is where the collective wisdom may be of great benefit.

[Infern0]

I think that "callous" (for want of a better word) people could enjoy the idealisation phase and move on when the crap started without looking back. It would be easy to label the idealisation phase as someone having conned us but I don't think that's it.  In my case, when my ex started talking about marriage after 2 weeks I should have sobered up and said "hang on darlin, we've only known each other for two weeks" but such was the power of that infatuation/idealisation stage. I know men who would have laughed at that point but not me. I guess the main question is why would some men run for the hills when the red flags started and why did most of us in here allow ourselves to get caught up

It's kind of odd because I think under normal circumstances I would have seen those things as red flags.

My case was that at the start of our interaction I wasn't overly attracted to her and actively discounted her on account of her being a bit too young and because of a work connection.  I hung out with her a few times because she suggested it and wanted to go see movies I also really wanted to see (mirroring) and I felt a bit sorry for her she seemed depressed and a bit lonely so I thought why not hang out with her.

After doing this a few times she seemed like such an awesome person, I loved being with her and she with me, and what I thought was her crush became mutual. When time came to discuss feelings I really thought I shouldn't go there but I trusted her and thought it was a safe bet and we seemed perfect for each other.

She then locked in the trauma bond,  opening up to me and laying it all out.  Her whole life story etc. To be honest it was like being in a sea of red flags but I thought I could navigate it. Because I fell in love that night.

I think inexperience played a part too,  I'd never interacted with someone with this many issues so was in no way prepared.

Let's review the red flags.

":)epression"

"in therapy"

Disability allowance

Admitted being raped

Self harm

Most people disliked her

Weird friends

eating disorder

all of this I knew at the very beginning and there was way more to come. But I DID see these as red flags,  it's just that over time they lessened because she seemed to be getting better around me and I thought "oh, she just needed a positive person in her life to help her blossom"

[drummerboy]

WOW, that is EXACTLY what I thought too. All the people around her, parents, ex, were total enablers. As soon as I made it clear that I wasn't going to be an enabler, but a positive influence in her life she dumped me.

and I thought "oh, she just needed a positive person in her life to help her blossom"

[Suspicious1]

This topic is really important. I too came here and saw all the co-dependency stuff, and figured that must be why I'd had a relationship with a pwBPD. I scuttled off to do those tests, and on some tests I came out as mildly co-dependent, and on others not at all. I actually don't recognise the traits in myself - when I'm with someone I want to support them emotionally but I don't want to "fix" other people, I don't *need* someone to support and I'm very happy to be single. The the "Stop Caretaking" book I also scored really low in the questionnaire, i.e. was in the "Not a Caretaker" section.

This is been key for me to understand what was really going on. For one thing, my T thinks my mother is NPD therefore I have a very high tolerance for PD behaviours. I quite simply don't notice a lot of them as I assume they're normal. This explains why I walked into the relationship and didn't notice the unusual stuff until it became extreme - I wasn't trying to make his life better or anything, I was just plodding along with my version of normality. What do I need to learn from this? Well I can't entirely trust my instincts and need to learn the red flags, almost by rote. I need to remember that I have this weakness and do a little rational stocktake when I meet someone new.

The interesting thing I'm finding is that through learning about co-dependency, I see the traits in my exBPDbf and my exH. Both cannot bear to be single (in fact I don't think either ever have been). My exBPDbf had a strong need to be a Knight in Shining Armour himself, and I think he saw my vulnerability (I was just coming out of an abusive marriage) and thought he could save me. His got *great* satisfaction through helping the underdog, being a rescuer and protector etc. I was drawn to it because I felt I needed that safety net at that particular time.

Through that I've learned that I need to work on rebuilding my strength after a terrible phase of my life, and knowing that I have my own strength and my own ways to protect myself. That's been such a valuable thing to get to grips with.

It also explains why the relationship didn't work out. As I gained in strength and recovered, my exBPDbf didn't have anyone to protect and rescue and that frustrated him greatly. He became angry that I didn't give him enough control and that I wanted to do things for myself. When I felt strong enough and recognised the unhealthy patterns in the relationship, I challenged him on it, and eventually I walked away from it. But I'm still heartbroken that the relationship I thought we could have had didn't materialise, and I miss my best friend. He was a wonderful person in lots of ways.

I also hoped that a calm, stable, rational person might help him stabilise, but that was based on thinking we had good compatibility rather than wanting to fix him, necessarily. I'd rather have been able to provide a safe, non-judgemental, loving environment in which he could fix himself. Sadly he seemed to want to hold me responsible for a lot of his mental issues, which of course were there long before he met me.

So anyway, I don't think I'm co-dependent, but the process of learning that has been helpful in itself.

[Infern0]

WOW, that is EXACTLY what I thought too. All the people around her, parents, ex, were total enablers. As soon as I made it clear that I wasn't going to be an enabler, but a positive influence in her life she dumped me.

and I thought "oh, she just needed a positive person in her life to help her blossom"

Yeah her parents just keep her at arms length and give her money to fund her compulsive spending.  Her "friends" couldn't give two f's about her and her orbiter is a complete and utter subordinate who does whatever she asks but also takes advantage of her abandonment issues by using her sexually when she gets triggered.

I put a ban on sexual contact the second I found out she had a history of abuse and was vulnerable and swore to never take advantage.  I wanted to take it slowly and make sure it was the right time for that.

Of course it's all banging your head against a brick wall,  I had no bloody clue what I was dealing with or what the right actions were.  Sadly now I realize there was no right action I could have taken. The only way to stay in her life would have been to become an enabler and accept any morsel she tossed me. I refused and was painted black and tossed in the trash.

[Infared]

Freedom 33 started this thread. In his initial post he listed in bold lettering:

PS. Codependency was proposed for inclusion in DSM (APA Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and rejected because there are so many symptoms almost anyone could be diagnosed with codependency

Which would infer that all of us have "codependent" traits when involved in a relationship. I agree with that statement. It's human nature. It's also basically unavoidable to a degree just by the basic fact that when two human beings come together in an intimate relationship there will be SOME codependency. It is unavoidable. (I know that not everyone will agree with that  )

Freedom  then goes on to infer that he is not a codependent. ? (As many have here on this thread, some vehemently, I might add).

I think he protesteth a bit too much. To say that you were not codependent "at all" is a red flag to me.  

I think the nature of an intimate relationship between two human being involves "some" codependency. It could be a little or it could be a lot... .but it is there in all relationships.

I don't really like the term and the way that everyone throws it about in our society, many times with a lot of negativity attached to it.

I was codependent in my relationship with my BPD. (IMHO we all were). It's human. It is also a matter of degrees. That is one of the major things that I have to sort out in my detachment and recovery: How codependent was I or "how much did I play a part in this whole mess". It is a very personal, soul-searching process that requires a lot of openness, rigorous self-honesty and self-love. Therapy and a good self-help group couldn't hurt the process, either!

On paper the perfect relationship is two interdependent people loving and caring about each other. No two humane beings can perfectly achieve that either. If you say you have THAT completely it is a giant  .

We are all human and it is all a matter of degrees at any given time in the relationship, too... there is ebb and flow and shades of gray.

I am still trying to sort out what mine was... .that is why I am at this forum.

The point on this thread that needs to be acknowledges (and it is)is that many of our relationships here were very codependent... and some... .not so much. I would also say that a good indicator would be how many recycles you did would be a good starting point to gauging your amount of codependency (whatever that is! LOL!).  

I am not saying that there is a good person here or a bad person... .we are all just trying to sort this out and get better and move forward.  

Just my two cents.

I would like to say that I love this website and that I learn so much here. I am sure it has been and continues to be beneficial to my healing process.

[drummerboy]

I talked about this with my T. (BTW she dislikes the term, saying it is so vague as to be almost meaningless) Her response is that humans are hard wired to be around other people, we need other people. Solitary confinement is probably the worst punishment known to mankind. We don't do well without other people. So yes, to some degree, we are all co-dependent, that's what it means to be human.

I think it is when you have the notion that you are incomplete unless you are in a relationship. That you are on an eternal search for your "other half" To not be co-dependent would mean that you are perfectly happy going through life without an intimate relationship, or that after a relationship ends you are happy enough to go solo unless someone comes along to enhance your life as opposed to actively seeking out a new partner because you just have to be in a relationship to feel right.

Just my thoughts.

[Loveofhislife]

What a brilliant thread to awaken to. Since we're looking for patterns and commonalities, I must note this was primarily a "male authored" thread. I don't find that most women have an issue being labeled codependent--some wear it as a badge of courage as do some of our white knights around here. Care-taking behaviors are encouraged and culturally rewarding for women, in many or most societies. I have written before that all labels are limiting and depersonalize without helping us self reflect and move forward. In mental health, I've seen many label themselves (after diagnosis) and that gives them an excuse for bad behavior--my exbfBPD did that. Anyway, I now believe I not only have high tolerance for NPD/BPD because of FOO issues, cultural patterns (read Tennessee Williams, William Faulkner et.al.), gender norms, low self esteem, and genetic predisposition (mingled with some history of abuse) but because I CHOSE (not consciously) to be a rescuer, caretaker, larger than life (delusional) flaming codependent. It was expected and rewarded in my FOO, my relationships, and in my occupation. I expected it of myself. It has left me unfulfilled and frequently disappointed. In large part, it is what has made me vulnerable to and greatly hurt by NPD/BPD. Because it has become a pattern of my own self-harm, I have come to this board to learn to detach and move forward and hopefully plug the hole that created the vulnerability in the first place.

[blissful_camper]

I talked about this with my T. (BTW she dislikes the term, saying it is so vague as to be almost meaningless) Her response is that humans are hard wired to be around other people, we need other people. Solitary confinement is probably the worst punishment known to mankind. We don't do well without other people. So yes, to some degree, we are all co-dependent, that's what it means to be human.

I think it is when you have the notion that you are incomplete unless you are in a relationship. That you are on an eternal search for your "other half" To not be co-dependent would mean that you are perfectly happy going through life without an intimate relationship, or that after a relationship ends you are happy enough to go solo unless someone comes along to enhance your life as opposed to actively seeking out a new partner because you just have to be in a relationship to feel right.

Just my thoughts.

This is great.  Thank you for sharing. 

I'm quite certain I had codependent FOO issues when I entered the r/s with my ex.  I look at that relationship as hitting rock bottom.  It woke me up to my issues, and really made me take a good long look at myself.  I'm still a work in progress, but I feel that I'm less codependent now.  I am single.  I plan to stay single until I meet someone I'd like to date.  I haven't met that person yet.  I'm okay with the solo adventure.  I'm enjoying being alone and single.  I'm super focused on working on my issues, my job, my sweet dog, and healthy things that reinforce my happiness.  When I think about it, it's a pretty cool time in my life right now.   

[Blimblam]

While I went into the relationship not fully healed from a broken heart and a physical injury.  I still has some sense about how to develop healthy nurturing long term love.  My ex really started to understand what that was after a while. The thing is she stil maintained to break down all my barriers and suck me into nonsense. She would carry out covert operations with that intention to create drama. 

[freedom33]

While I went into the relationship not fully healed from a broken heart and a physical injury.  I still has some sense about how to develop healthy nurturing long term love.  My ex really started to understand what that was after a while. The thing is she stil maintained to break down all my barriers and suck me into nonsense. She would carry out covert operations with that intention to create drama.  

Exactly my case. I had a twisted ankle and was coming out of recent relationship with my seven year partner at the time. I told the BPDx that I was not interested in anything serious. She was insisting and then when we start seeing each other she was pushing my boundaries and I was holding on quite well. I was actually quite rude in some ways. She 'd say x and y or call me 6 times in a row or tell me things and I 'd be like - ok please take this to your therapist.  After a while I started giving in more and my boundaries weakened, eroded week by week - at some point she got in and it was an inside job from there onwards. Good news is that it only lasted 3-4 months until I initiated the first break up between us. I suppose a healthy sign.