Did she know and hide it from me?

[PhoenixBlack]

As the weeks are slowly turning to months and I'm thinking more clearly,  I'm trying to look more objectively at what happened… recognising the patterns in our behaviour throughout the relationship, all the signs that I ignored. The whole time, I had no idea that she had BPD. She readily admitted early on that she was 'high maintenance' and even joked about it at times (i.e. when her condition wasn't manifesting) - although I now can't help feeling that it was almost a 'cover' for her to explain the sometimes extreme behaviour that she knew she exhibited. She even had a nickname for her 'high maintenance self'. It's like she knew she did it and created an almost humorous facade around it to kind of explain it away.

Another thing - during one of our recycles, maybe the first one… through all the tears and projections, I'm almost certain that at one point she said to me that I needed to validate her feelings before we could move on. Now I don't know if other people here have had the same thing said to them during an argument/make up? And to be honest, I didn't really know what she meant even though I seemed to do it unconsciously as we recycled several times) and I became through necessity, good at knowing how to defuse the situation. My question is… would somebody use the term 'validation' who hasn't been through some form of therapy? Is it a term a therapist might use when treating someone suffering from BPD? I certainly hadn't come across it in this context - i.e. as a skill for defusing the situation through showing empathy and letting them know that you understand. It's something I did automatically without it having a name.

There were other times when she let me see through the armour... like when I'd just managed to calm her down, she said to me that when she's "being like this and raging", all she wants is for me to hold her and tell her that it's going to be ok. And believe me, I tried my best - so many times. In those moments, she seemed so vulnerable and I saw the frightened child inside her (she's in her 30s) - the real her. Or was it? Either way, my urge to protect/rescue her overrode my common sense and I stayed around for more abuse.

[enlighten me]

My exgf also described herself as high maintenance. She didn't really let me glimpse her deep self. She did once after having a blazing row with her daughter say that she didn't know where the anger came from and it just overwhelmed her.

Apart from all the usual red flags for behaviour she kept the true reason deeply buried.

[rg1976]

Dude, who knows? In the end does it really matter?  As I read these forums more and more, and learn, it seems that a lot of us come here for validation of our own feelings after having been through an extremely traumatic relationship.

I know, in my case, I want to know if she was in fact BPD. However, having that knowledge one way or another didn't help her.

Back to your question:

She may or may not have known the exact label to put on her "high maintenance self".

Was she in therapy? Did you have open and frank discussions about her mental health?

I do believe that people with mental health issues are aware "something" is wrong. But, there is a great deal of shame and stigma attached to this: especially in the culture in the part of the US where I live. This has the side-effect of people not seeking treatment options, and not being aware that help is available. Although, I think many with BPD simply give up on treatment and expect others to tolerate them.

Please remember, that as bad as things are for you, it is most likely much worse for her.

Basically, I'm simply trying to say: Her life; her problems. Focus on yourself. You can get to a better place. The disordered person has to live in a hell of their own creation.

It's sad for them really.

[Moselle]

At one point she said to me that I needed to validate her feelings before we could move on.  My question is… would somebody use the term 'validation' who hasn't been through some form of therapy?

All she wants is for me to hold her and tell her that it's going to be ok. And believe me, I tried my best - so many times. In those moments, she seemed so vulnerable and I saw the frightened child inside her (she's in her 30s) - the real her. Or was it? Either way, my urge to protect/rescue her overrode my common sense and I stayed around for more abuse.

She probably picked up "validation" on the internet, or reading a book.  I doubt whether she would have gone to therapy on the sly. That would mean confronting the nightmare, and they usually don't want to do that.

Mine asked the same thing, to hold her and tell her it's going to be OK. I never really managed to do that for her. All my BPD (and NPD, my W has both) knowledge has come since we separated 7 months ago, and i was just fighting for survival during her rages for 14 years.

I've also seen that frightened child. Deer in the headlights look. I saw it when I told her the game was over I'm leaving. It was replaced by the dark ravagers of hades for the following 6 months of pure rage and retribution.

No-one has to put up with abuse. What are your boundaries?

[goldylamont]

i think seeking answers to these questions is a normal part of healing. for some here they find that asking questions such as these are pointless, that it doesn't matter and doesn't contribute to healing. for me though and i think for many others i think it does matter. just different strokes for different folks. PhoenixBlack i think you are mature enough to know that you won't get exact answers to every question and as long as you keep this in mind over time i think your mind will be satiated enough and will naturally detach. after going through a betrayal, we are dealt with the harsh reality that what we once thought was real, was not real at all. so our minds are trying to piece things together and construct some type of sustainable explanation of what happened. it's natural to question the past after finding out in a traumatic way that it was not what it appeared to be at the time.

for these questions the best we can do is take an educated guess. regarding your ex referring to herself as 'high maintenance' and this being a cover for her extreme behavior. in essence i'd say you are correct in this. pwBPD may have been through plenty of r/s like this by their 30's, and while they may never take any real responsibility, i think they can be aware of how they are to some degree. or at least how people react to them. this varies widely of course. it's very possible she was aware of the drama that would ensue, but this would be normal for her. just what r/s are for her. what she's used to doing.

i agree with another poster about her mentioning validation--she wouldn't necessarily have to have gone to therapy to learn this term; she could have just picked it up on the internet/books. i, like you never heard of this term while in the r/s. still, her using the term 'validation' is pretty suspect that she has some awareness of her issues. who knows though?

i wouldn't refer to the scared child as the 'real' her. i think this was probably one aspect of her that you liked more than others, but even 'scared child' is as much part of the disorder as vindictively raging mad woman. both are the real her. both exist. in essence, i think now that you are out of the r/s and as you start seeing things from a birds eye view, you will start assimilating all of her personality traits into one. you won't see a conflict between the scared child victim or the anxious controlling abuser and it won't feel so much like a paradox. i think the closest thing to the 'real' her incorporates all of this.