Regret Mode Today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I was with my BPD for over two years.  I was in my early 60's she too.  Like many the beginning was fabalous and she was hot and sexy.  Then the splitting and stuff came along with the raging.  I was married for 34 years, and truthfully never experienced anything like this but was head over heels in love and lust probably and ignore the early signs.   

Sometimes by dumb luck I did the right thing and walked away during stormy events, and the next day it was ok.   But the attacks became more frequent and then I would stay there defending myself (never raising my voice though) and telling her how wrong she was or I had proof in writing etc.  After a while it I was just worn out and drained.  We broke up several times by her, the last two times by me but good cause as I accidently caught her actively on a dating site (She was pushing me away too breaking dates) and her refusing to end it.  I think pretty much I did the right thing as she told me No one tells her what to do or say  regarding getting off the site.

  (Pretty cruel, I think)  All she did was fire off other accusations at me and told me how stubborn I was for not getting my hair cut for her.  Stupid, for one it's not even over my ears, and it is meduim lenght, maybe 3 inches at most.  Plus at 62 lucky to have hair.,lol .  I mean she raged over this, and some other stupid stuff.

Anyway, I was thinking and I think this is just bad thinking, that if I knew the SET Rules way back then, I could have reduced the incidents and rages she had.  The thing is though, she was married 3 times, engaged 4 times,  has no friends to speak of, no Family since she hates them and says they are losers, and jealous of her, this includes her MOm & DAD too, especially DAD.  SO I never met family, or any friends of hers.    She has 2 daughters one she reconsile with the other would is so sweet and would take in and be kind to anyone. 

That kinda points to I guess, it would be no different whether I knew SET or not.  But just sitting here wondering and thinking of her.  I haven't seen her in over a year., we talked and almost got back together twice, but I couldn't go through with it, remember all the other times, and how she would just revert to the craziness, yet, I didn't know about SET back then.  Thoughts?

[outside9x]

Hi,

I was with my BPD for over two years.  I was in my early 60's she too.  Like many the beginning was fabalous and she was hot and sexy.  Then the splitting and stuff came along with the raging.  I was married for 34 years, and truthfully never experienced anything like this but was head over heels in love and lust probably and ignore the early signs.   

Sometimes by dumb luck I did the right thing and walked away during stormy events, and the next day it was ok.   But the attacks became more frequent and then I would stay there defending myself (never raising my voice though) and telling her how wrong she was or I had proof in writing etc.  After a while it I was just worn out and drained.  We broke up several times by her, the last two times by me but good cause as I accidently caught her actively on a dating site (She was pushing me away too breaking dates) and her refusing to end it.  I think pretty much I did the right thing as she told me No one tells her what to do or say  regarding getting off the site.

  (Pretty cruel, I think)  All she did was fire off other accusations at me and told me how stubborn I was for not getting my hair cut for her.  Stupid, for one it's not even over my ears, and it is meduim lenght, maybe 3 inches at most.  Plus at 62 lucky to have hair.,lol .  I mean she raged over this, and some other stupid stuff.

Anyway, I was thinking and I think this is just bad thinking, that if I knew the SET Rules way back then, I could have reduced the incidents and rages she had.  The thing is though, she was married 3 times, engaged 4 times,  has no friends to speak of, no Family since she hates them and says they are losers, and jealous of her, this includes her MOm & DAD too, especially DAD.  SO I never met family, or any friends of hers.    She has 2 daughters one she reconsile with the other would is so sweet and would take in and be kind to anyone. 

That kinda points to I guess, it would be no different whether I knew SET or not.  But just sitting here wondering and thinking of her.  I haven't seen her in over a year., we talked and almost got back together twice, but I couldn't go through with it, remember all the other times, and how she would just revert to the craziness, yet, I didn't know about SET back then.  Thoughts?

[AwakenedOne]

outside9x,

Maybe you could of reduced the rages and incidents by practicing SET. Is that the way to live though? Walking on eggshells & babying her constantly?

I didn't know about BPD or SET during our hellish 4 year "marriage". This is not what love is supposed to be regardless. Is it? I am left with a disgusting aftertaste in my soul that hopefully God will remove from me after having had the misfortune to have met her. When you were young and thinking about your future partner did you imagine having to practice SET techniques so you wouldn't be attacked by her? I sure didn't. You are going through the what if's and still missing her. That is normal because you loved this woman. You can not ultimately please someone with BPD. Read posts on the Staying and Undecided boards. Those members for the most part are miserable even though they are practicing SET. I will never, never, never, never be involved in this type of thing again. NEVER.

Good luck my friend  

AO

[outside9x]

Thanks AwakenedOne:

I know you are dead right.  It's just emotions I guess, and it happens.  We did love them but they made our life's a living hell, and how can you live and love in that environment, yet you secretly hope, they will return to what you thought was themselves but I know all to well that is themselves.  you can't separate it, and practicing SET doesn't gaurantee anything and like you said, why should anyone live like that unless it's your kids or you Mom or Dad. 

But love should be kind  especially when we have a choice and a right to live it peacefully and lovingly as possible.   Especially at my age, I want peace and happiness.  Yet , I miss her but that is diminsihing everyday but I hit a bump, and that's why this board is so good for so many.

Thanks