Did I fall in love with the disorder?

[Dolly rocker]

Right guys,

I got myself thinking today... .Did I love him for the person he is or did I love the intensity of his BPD illness?

Hadn't he been BPD would he been so intense and affectionate and needy?

What I missed the most about him was the way he adored me desperatly. So was his desperation caused by  BPD's fear of abandonment?

What did I really love? Him or Borderline personality disorder

[enlighten me]

Good question Dolly. Yes the BPD is what makes them who they are but as they also mirror then the real them is hidden. I believe we see glimpses of the real them somewhere in amongst the mirroring and erratic behaviour but its hard to say for sure if the things we loved about them where nothing more than an illusion. Yes the intensity of how they "loved" us drew us in (and that intensity is driven by BPD) and made us reciprocate it but who that intense person was I cannot be sure of. Was it the real them or just a role they played for us?

[patientandclear]

This is an important and truth-loving question. As I just posted on another thread, I see a lot of people struggle not to take on board the hurtful withdrawing distancing devaluing things that are said and done by the BPD partner. I was trying for a while to do that too. But how do we get to take literally and hang onto and believe in the sweet adoring affectionate affirming parts then? It seems like the difference is that one makes us feel good and one makes I feel like crap -- not that the good parts are truer.

I fell in love with my ex's disorder too. Without the disorder, he'd not have been available. He'd have stayed with one of the many kind smart pretty women he's started up with over the years.

Weird to see all that. I'd almost rather not, but having seen it i can't unsee it, you know?

[kc sunshine]

"Without the disorder, he'd not have been available. He'd have stayed with one of the many kind smart pretty women he's started up with over the years."

Wow, this is so true. In fact, once when my BPD ex was complaining about her disorder and the havoc it has wreaked on her life and relationships, I said to her  that if it wasn't for BPD she wouldn't have been available for us to connect. I feel bad for saying this to her even if it made her laugh at the moment-- I didn't realize then how brutal for her (and then ultimately for us) the disorder was and that we wouldn't be able to survive it either.

[myself]

They are a person with a disorder, not a disorder with a person.

We fell in love with the light that was shining through their masks.

The light comes first, and draws us in. The masks eventually chase us away.

We'll never know how real they were with us, and they probably won't, either.

How long has it been that they've been lost in their maze? Their whole life?

Their pieced-together existence IS who they are, so, we loved who they are.

[Rise]

I've actually seen this question asked a lot. I've asked it myself. And the only conclusion I've come to is that the disorder is part of of my ex. You can't separate the two. If you removed the disorder, she wouldn't be the same person. The good parts and the bad, they are all part of the same person. Part of what made me love my ex is just the reverse side of what makes maintaining a relationship with her impossible for me.

Sometimes when I start to wax philosophical I truly wonder if I really loved my ex, or just loved the parts of her that made me feel good about myself; and if I did, whether or not that's really love.

[Recooperating]

BPD is a Personality Disorder... .That means their personality is off. I seriously believe that the good part of their personality is also affected by the personality disorder. (In my anger phase I used to think, they call it a PD, because the definition ASSHOLE wont be covered by medical insurances... .A PD just means, your personality sucks! Ive become milder now and have a little more compassion)

The only drive they have is supply and not losing the supply and getting more supply.

I truely ask myself if the good part was nothing more then a lie and a manipulation to secure me.

I honestly wonder if I truely know the man I fell in love with. I think I fell in love with lies. He liked everything I liked, same spiritual beliefs, same passion for arts, politics, travelling etc... .So yes I fell in love with the disorder, the mirroring part of it.