Even in death he couldn't be respected

[louise 716]

Hi all.

You might remember me as Louise716- son with PTSD due to military crap with a wife with BPD- narcissist who emotionally abused him. 

Well, the week has calmed down, but I wanted to share with you my son committed suicide Sept 4. Gee, that's hard to realize I actually wrote that.

Between his PTSD and her isolation of him, I guess he just couldn't take anymore.

I did wonder how a narcissist gets attention at a funeral when you are not the dead person.  Well, you stand at the front of the church ... .With a dog.

The part I am struggling with now is that I feel, even in death he couldn't be respected. Stories there but I'm getting tired. 

Louise

[Harri]

Hi Louise.  I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak you must be experiencing.  I am so very sorry for your loss and for the disrespect his wife showed.  Please do share more of your story as you feel able. 

You and yours will be in my prayers.   

[Ziggiddy]

Louise I am so SO sorry for all the distress you must be going through. So sad. And then to deal with such behaviour on top of your grief. Just awful. Please please know that we are all feeling for you at this time. No doubt it will be difficult but whenever you are able please come back and keep us updated.

I join in with Harri that you are  in my prayers

[Kwamina]

Hi louise 716

I am very sorry for your loss and want to offer you my sincere condolences. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and also having to deal with his BPD wife's antics doesn't make it any easier.

We have some resources here that might be of some help to you, your husband and other children as you try to come to terms with this tragic event:

Recovering from suicide loss

It's a self-help handbook for people who have lost someone through suicide. Losing someone you love like this is very tragic and I hope this handbook will help you deal with your loss and help you move forward. Take care and if you feel the need to talk some more just know that we are here for you

[HappyChappy]

The part I am struggling with now is that I feel, even in death he couldn't be respected. Stories there but I'm getting tired. 

My deepest condolences. As someone with PTSD who has attempted suicide, I'm sure your son is in a much better place.  As a military man and your son, I expect there is a mountain of respect just for those attributes. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Louise... .as a family member of a young man who killed himself almost 20 years ago, married to a woman much like you describe where even at the funeral home she was like Anna Nicole Smith arriving by a side door with entourage - whatever - I grasp your pain, your shock, your sorrow, your devastation - yet I know your mother's heart feels very much alone in this dark time in your life.  Those of us who've gotten that news or been the one to find a loved one or friend - you can feel like life almost has nothing left to do to you - but please know I am lifting you and your son up and thinking of you the only way I know how - just extending heartfelt empathy and sadness to you both.

Tune the present drama out as it will only increase before it decreases - this is where really ugly behaviors can spawn in a downward spiral, when you are at your weakest - keep your friends close to you, let them know how you are managing (or not) to sleep - mine were the only thing that got me through those bleak broken hours and days.

So so so deeply sorry... .

[louise 716]

Lucy,

I know there is no sense in projecting, BUT knowing she is a very sick woman and knowing she is all about control, she has lost her major fuel source and that has got to be really scary for her. She is scrambling for control. Which is why,  even tho it really made me mad, that she said she wants ALL the cards from the funeral home. She knows not even 2% of the people who came (there were 100's) and she even wants cards that say our names on the envelope. The funeral home is giving her the original and we get the copies.  Thank goodness she lives 2 hours away, but I am prepared for some harassment. THANK GOD there are no children.  I just pray she doesn't show up pregnant in a few weeks.

Let's see, did I say she has made copies of his note and is sharing that with people. People had a hard time reading his writing so it was typed and some people have it in their phone.

My sister, who has known the sick twisted situation for years, gave the "grieving widow" $500 and a card. She didn't even give me a card.  To me, a gift of that size validates the relationship.

I am paying about $2000 of the costs be/c she said she didn't have the money, but then someone set up a gofundme and they got +10000.

Lucy, tell me how the drama can increase? We think it will, too, but in a rational mind we can't figure out what she'll do.  We are trying to figure it out. Our son is gone, no kids to tie us together, she lives 2 hours away. I do know she is coming up to the funeral home today. Since there is no burial, we had the funeral sprays here. Sounds weird, but I put them outside the house by a window I had long ago put a sign up that said "X we love you!" ... .so if he ever drove by he knew. Anyway, I brought those flowers in for the day be/c I have an errand to do and I don't want her doing anything. We (our kids who still live here) already know she is not allowed in the house.

I have a great friend base and the doctor gave me some valium for sleeping and I'm not to proud to take it.

Lucy, I am soo sorry for you ... .being one of those who got "that" call. It's horrific.

[SomerledDottir]

So sorry, Louise, so sorry.  We're here for you if you need us and sending prayers your way.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Dear lady... .you've already tasted some of the sad fallout - yes, copying the letter, passing it around, even the one he addressed to us, I have no idea who gave it to her, I had to ask for it back. Even that early and that clueless, something told me we'd never see it again if I didn't.

Funeral bill - long before any kind of online donations, it would be set up in a bank account, remember obits where it says to send $$ to whatever bank with whatever written on check - plenty to cover the burial, liner, plot etc - it remained unpaid for years.

The account was cleaned out within a couple of months.

There were children in this instance. That's a whole 'nother angle on it that will shred your inner workings year in year out.

If I may reach out to you, and beg you to just... .retreat in your heart, withdraw down into your very marrow. His life being lost to this misery has already cost you everything. No matter what else comes at you, no matter what else this very sad broken woman might do, she cannot take anything else from you. It's already happened. I speak from a place where I kept trying to get "justice" for him, or whatever you'd call it, where even in that madness it still rippled out where he at least was buried in a grave that was paid for - the funeral home wouldn't let me as she'd gotten wind I was asking a year later... .she was almost like a force of nature, hurting so badly that it was like she had a path of destruction she was committed to... .

She is not at war with you. I felt that way - that the person we'd lost was overshadowed by this mess that was left behind - but in the event of a suicide, not to reflect on your son, but things are in such a shambles on every level typically, it has to keep rippling out and down and away before any of us know how to inhale again.

She is not at war with you. She isn't really at war with him anymore - she can't be, he's gone. She is a deeply ruined, scarred human being that now has to echo around in her head what her part in this might've been.

I will warn you, not about her but about flying monkeys. They will come in like something out of a very very bad movie and try to shame blame you. I sent hers packing. Every couple of years as the internet improved, now with Facebook etc... .one of them would rear her head and try to chastise me for what I did or did not do at such and such a date or number of years gone by... .

Silence will be your best response. Silence works so well in this nightmare I promise you. They are bottom feeders. They circle the bits and pieces that are left of us and want to keep ripping and tearing for anything they can parasitically feast off of... .

My heart just reaches out to you and the date is the very same week our family lost this person and it comes around every year like a huge sword of pain... .

I don't know what your belief system might be... .mine sort of fell by the wayside, but I have some niggling feeling that as haunted and troubled as they were here, that they are in a place of light and rest and *quiet.*

That is what we have to seek. Quiet.  I'm so very sorry that yet another soul has joined these heartrending numbers - but he is not a number, he is your loved one. I remember seeing the stats for the year we lost our loved one and I stared at that last digit - it wasn't rounded up, an exact number... .he was right there.   :'(

You will survive this.

You will be so shocked and numb, you will have to undergo an "awakening" as that wears off... .the stages of grief that are all over the place now weren't available so much when I needed to see them... .I never thought I'd be able to say I have reached a place of acceptance only because so much time has gone by. Be gentle to yourself and with yourself. Sleep but get outside too. I joined message boards for survivors and I am still in contact with amazing people decades later... .in fact one travelled halfway round the world last year to see me for 3 weeks.

You will find family in other grieving hearts. Cling to them and know that you can share even if they lost someone other than a child or son.

We get it on some level more than most.

May you find rest, comfort, strength, calm and light. 

[PleaseValidate]

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I've also had suicides in my life and people close to me but there is nothing like losing a child. It's just not supposed to happen.

[HappyChappy]

... .tell me how the drama can increase? We think it will, too,

Louise, so sorry you have to endure this appalling behaviour at the worst of times. But on a positive,  you never need to see her again (I’m guessing).  It sounds from what you’re saying, the drama she causes next will only reflect badly upon herself. 

[louise 716]

Thanks everyone.

Yes, we should be done seeing her. You would think. I'm a bit nervous about her starting to stalk/harass us. I know I shouldn't borrow trouble, but she is so sick and running out of fuel.

She did pick up his ashes yesterday and supposedly on Monday she will pay. I hope so or I am on the hook.