Help. Need advice.

[Landslide2014]

Rough few days. Served my BPDstbxh papers in June. He is in utter denial and has not taken action.  This after attempted mediation, and attempted therapeutic separation. Wednesday night he got angry, barged into my room (separate from his for a year) with fingers pointing, voice cursing, loud abusive. Repeatedly kicked in my mirror, blocked my way to get out, then wrestled with me pushing me and pulling when he realized that I might have been (I was) recording his behaviour. I got outside to safety within minutes of the physical encounter (barefoot, pajamas, keys, house phone and cell phone in hand). Next day I went to family court and was granted a temporary stay away order of protection for me, not the kids.  I have a s7 and d15 living at home. Waited for my son to get off the bus today and he didn't. Eventually learned that he was signed out of school 3 hours prior by H. He is within his legal boundaries. I have no idea where my son is. A police officer called and confirmed he was with his father, but then H hung up on him. I believe he is safe but I am still freaking out. Court date to determine future order of protection is 4 days away. Any Guidence would be appreciated. Can't stop thinking, ruminating, crying and trying to be strong all at the same time. My d is home with me. She does not know their whereabouts either. Just knows that he "... .Got kicked out of the house because of me and has no where to go with s".  WOW. Will it be over soon?  I don't want to know how much more I could handle.

[ForeverDad]

First, it was right for you to seek a protection order, DV is rewarded if you do nothing.

However, if you sought for protection to be extended to your children as well and it was denied at that time, then it's probable that the court considered the DV as adult behavior that hadn't extended to parenting behavior at that time.

That he took your son out of school midway through the day means he's not taking the divorce passively.  What else he will do, we can't say.  Court should take a position concerning this, your son (or daughter) should not be missing school and should not be used as a pawn.

You can try for an exchange or at least another police confirmation via well-check Sunday and if your son isn't back in school by Monday then seek for the order to be amended and extended to include the children until the court can address the matter with a hearing where both parents present their cases in court.

Sadly, court is very passive at first, assuming things won't get out of hand.  My ex blocked all my father-son contact for over 3 months while I tried to call, then filed for divorce and waited many weeks until I got a hearing.  The magistrate verified with my then-separated now-ex-spouse about her 3 months of blocking and then matter-of-factly stated, "I'll fix that" and ordered me with alternate weekends.  She blocked me for 3 months and faced not one consequence.  For that reason, I want you to be prepared in case your court is not fazed by what he has done.

My police were not of any help, I was told to seek their help once I had a court order in hand.

On the other hand, I'm a father and courts typically see fathers more as deep pockets rather than as involved parents, it may be that you, a female, get better results with your court than I, a male, did with my court.  Courts insist they're gender neutral but the policies, procedures and decisions often end up favoring the mothers.  (Some mothers here will report that their ex-spouses got attention since they were squeaky wheels and the courts were deferential to the messed up person.)

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for your response, foreverdad. I am so sorry you had to endure all if that. It seems so unfair. So much of this does not make sense to me.

My good news is, although I do not know where he is, I will be picking my son up (exchange) this am at my s2bxH work. I am so relieved to learn he is safe. I will be even more relieved to have him back in my care. I can't imagine that the very poor choices and actions of my H lately will be to his advantage in family court. Funny, when I received the information that they were safe, I instinctively dropped all my hate and anger and began to think on terms of "maybe myH is okay.  Maybe he's not as unhealthy as I thought (a minute ago)". This is my downfall. I can't believe I am so easily fogged even so recently after the violence, using my S and kids as pawns, and the pain.  I am grateful that I am aware of this defect of mine and that I have a short video of him violating me and support to remind me of my participation (sending the message that this behavior is okay without consequences).  Though it still frightens me that I would minimize his unacceptable behavior.

I've  have so much amazing support that I can not go here without acknowledging the blessing. I don't know what I would do without these boards, friends, 12 step support and my T. My T actually called it. She reiterated over and over that my kids are not the target, I am. He wouldn't hurt the kids, he wants to hurt me. Also that his behavior is purely narcissistic and he would not be able to endure the responsibility of my S(7) alone past Sunday (today). I have been advised by my police friends to use extreme caution and police protection if necessary when picking him up. This unnerves me a bit and perhaps I will have to take an escort along? Thanks again for helping. I would never imagine me to be on this path as it was never the path I intended. I am trying to trust that my Higher Power knows what's best, even if it feels uncomfortable sometimes. That is so easy to do when things are going easy, not so easy to do when I have so much pain. I guess that's the true test of faith. Faith is not about getting what you want, I think. It's really about believing in what you get.

[david]

Do not stop recording.

Taking S7 out of school should be helpful in court. There was no good reason for that.

I agree BPDh is trying to hurt you. My ex used our boys all the time to get at me. When I stopped reacting she stopped using them. That didn't feel right for me at first but it did work. My ex doesn't know what to do with kids. The idea of really listening to them is not in her thought process. We have been separated for 7 years and divorced for 4 years now and it is clear as daylight that she can't actually parent. Her issues are so overwhelming that is the only thing that drives her.

The court system is extremely slow so be prepared for the long haul unless BPDh decides to leave on his own. My ex didn't do that and still tries to get me. I am so detached that her efforts don't get any reaction anymore. Because of that things are better. I used to get around 40 nasty emails a month. I now get around three.

It took me a few years to detach enough and not get sucked into the thinking that she could/would get it and stop doing the things she does. I now expect her to behave poorly and feel cautious when she actually appears to be doing something nice.

[Landslide2014]

Hmmm.  More thoughts to ponder. Thanks for weighing in, I appreciate you sharing. I finally got my son yesterday in the presence of a police escort. I was definitely being toyed with as he would not answer his phone and we waited about :40 minutes out front while he played his mind games. It was odd, He called the police station to assist with the transaction? Meanwhile there was an officer out front with me.  I can sense him plotting. Any time I ask a direct question regarding the kids, ie.  when will you pick them up? What time should I expect them back? Where will you drop them? The answer is avoided or he texts me back in code addressing some other issue. 3 days ago when he took my son without my knowledge I unblocked him from my phone so I could hear word of his safety and open up communication even though the communication is clearly unhealthy and misdirected. I need to know on some level that my kids are okay and anticipate the possibilty that a text or a phone call comes through in between the harassment that allows us to share the information necessary in keeping our kids safe. As fruitless as it seems, I cannot think of any other way right now.

Yesterday, for the first time in as far as I can remember, I felt a new sense of freedom knowing that I would not be disregarded, attacked, punished... .Knowing that he was not legally permitted near our home. Last night, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I went around locking all the doors and windows, putting a chair in front of the main door in fear that he might come and hurt me or do something stupid in the middle of the night.

I go to family court Tomorrow to determine the future of this stay away order of protection and I am very nervous.

[whirlpoollife]

Landslide2014, my x2bh would/does play the minds games. Even though I should have but did not use police, your h's mind game of 'wanting to help ' with the transaction was all too familiar.  In our first years of marriage he would tell me how he liked to do  "reverse psychology"  on people and was proud if himself for it. He plotted of how to get even with anyone who crossed him.  He could never answer simple questions.  A bunch of hot air and no answer.


[quote author=Landslide2014 link=topic=232990.msg12492919#msg12492919 date=1410779802

I go to family court Tomorrow to determine the future of this stay away order of protection and I am very nervous. [/quote]
"Be strong and of good courage"

[catnap]

I go to family court Tomorrow to determine the future of this stay away order of protection and I am very nervous.

It is okay to be nervous going to court, most people are.  Chin up! 

[ForeverDad]

I finally got my son yesterday in the presence of a police escort... .

It was odd, He called the police station to assist with the transaction? Meanwhile there was an officer out front with me... .

Knowing that he was not legally permitted near our home.

It's likely that exceptions to the protection order are allowed IF an Officer of the Court is present.  Police and lawyers are generally considered to qualify as such.  I recall when my ex and I had mutual protection orders that we did exchanges at the county sheriff's office.  She still tried to posture that I was misbehaving even there, but the deputies at the desk largely ignored it all.

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for your help. Today is the unofficial, but previously agreed upon day that my H has the kids. I have texted him clearly numerous times "how and when would you like to return the kids". I offered my mothers house, a neighbors house, our home with the presence of a police officer... .More of the same.  He tries to take control of the conversation and avoids the answer. Eventually I received... ."I could drop off at the neighbors. But you can't be there. I don't feel safe if you are". I pity him. More importantly, I am so angry that I minimized his abuse for so long. I am walking into court tomorrow with my L, my al anon sponsor, and a domestic abuse advocate because I am afraid that I will try and absorb the blows again to protect others from the pain. My support team will be there to remind me of my own safety and my own pain. Please send me your positive vibes. I really appreciate the understanding you all have in this matter. I am so grateful for the extra tools. 

[ForeverDad]

This is the time to stand firm for what you know is right.  While you don't want to appear vindictive, you do need to stand up for both yourself and the children.  Remember that he will try to use the children as leverage and weapons against you.

He will try to get as much time with them as possible, if for no other reason than to spite you, but you've previously written he can't manage to parent for an extended time, right?  Then ask for Right of First Refusal (ROFR) in case he wants large blocks of time and then tries to park them with others or daycare.  (And then document what time he actually spends with the children over time in case it is a lot less than was scheduled.)

I don't know if child support will be a topic for discussion or whether that comes later as the more formal aspects of separation & divorce are dealt with.  If it does come up, the court has calculators that come up with approximate figures.  Don't be timid but also don't let it all become about the money.  Children are the priority, money for expenses is secondary (but not to be ignored either).

He may think that if he gets more time then he'll pay less.  While it probably is true to an extent, in my county it's not by much.  For example, in 2006 when I had alternate weekends (22%), the CS calculation was a little less than $700.  Five years later in 2011 when then I had equal time (50%) but had just become the legal Guardian, the CS calculation was a little more than $700.  Apparently the large increase in parenting time for me had negligible impact, it was either that 5 years had passed or that my actual income rose slightly while she was 'imputed' with minimum wage both times.

If he is the main source of the family's income then they will at some point want him to start paying child support.  Usually that's when a divorce is filed and often the CS is retroactive back to the date the divorce was filed.

[Mrs. Hyde]

Landslide I was reading your posts and thinking my God its as if she's living my life.  I wish I knew how to quote sections of text but I can't seem to figure it out.  First I want to say thanks for sharing because it helps me to hear about what you are going through.  I too get so easily fogged by my uBPDxh ability to turn on the charm.  He has such a duplicitous nature.  Truly Jeckyl and Hyde.  What is disturbing to me is that when he is Dr. Jeckyl I get so caught up in the fantasy of us having a family and living happily ever after.  Even after facing an obnoxious amount of abusive behavior... .I still get confused when he is so nice. I too am in therapy and alanon to try to work out the reasons why I tolerate such bad behavior and why I struggle to assert my boundaries.

I have a 10 week old son and just received a temporary stay of custody as well as an order for h to vacate premise and a restraining order.  Our first court date is October 15.  I am scared out of my mind.  One of the reasons I was awarded emergency custody is because my h was doing odd and dangerous things with our son.  We are also in the midst of a psychological evaluation.  I saw the evaluator and he asked if I would consider reconciling with ex.  I said no way especially because of my older children from my first marriage.  They have been through too much.  Then I said if I didn't have older children I would consider trying to make it work because of the baby.  Then I was like... .oh great why did I say that... .now he is going to think that I'm not really scared and that my h must not be so bad... .anyway I am so pissed that I said that but its like you were saying about being in the fog.  I want to believe that he is sincere but I know that he is just manipulative and he is trying to do whatever he can to get his way.  He doesn't care about me... .at all.  I am the type of person that wants to be fair and make concessions for the greater good.  What I'm realizing is that you can't do that with someone who does not return the goodness.  For example, prior to filing I took 1,500 out of the marital home.  We saved coins and dollar bills.  I knew he would cut me off financially so I took half of the cash.  I thought I was being fair and it was half mine anyway.  When I read his affidavit I almost fell over.  He states that I took 16,400 of cash out of our home.  I am so pissed I didn't take all the money.  I have an infant and am not working.  I have zero income and am the sole provider for three children.  He makes 400,000 a year... .take home... .and he has only given me 449.50 over the past 6 weeks.  He wrote on his affidavit that he made 200,000 but that his "true" income was 62,000.  This is when I told my attorney that I need to have rigid boundaries with him.  Boy could I really use the other half of the cash I didn't take... .trying to be "fair"

The other thing that I really related to was the way my H never answers things head on.  He talks in circles and even when I say just answer yes or no... .he won't do it.  He will completely detour and before you know it you're sucked into his world.

Landslide.  You're not alone.  I feel your pain and I can relate more than you know... .stay strong and keep your support system close to you.  Hang in there and just continue to take life one day at a time.  I know if I start to think about the future I get so anxious and scared.  PM me anytime you want.  One Day at a Time... .this too shall pass... .be strong for yourself and your kids.  You deserve better than what you've been given and your well on your way... .I am too... .we can do this... .the most important thing is to not be fooled by the fog.