"Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want."

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yep, my BPDw said "Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want". She then said that since she had lost her first daughter to a mosquito bite and since she had been grieving for a long time, now, she is going to pursue anything and everything that she wants. While I understand why she feels the way she does, she told me last night about a class at an acupuncture clinic for the next week. This is above and beyond her classes that she is taking for two days in each week already. It turns out that this class is a meditation clinic, and she attended last night. She really enjoyed it.

I am slightly offended that she did not even ask me if I even would consider going to it. Seeing that the first of eight classes is over and seeing that she obviously wants that much more space from me, I told her last night that I am interested in the class for myself, but I told her that she is taking the class for herself and that I won't go with her.

I asked her when the next series of eight classes will be. She immediately said that I probably won't understand some of the techniques. I said that even if that is the case, I can still get a lot out of it. She was taken aback, and she remained quiet. My take on this situation and her reaction is that she is purely selfish and exclusive. She obviously does want to be away from this relationship, if you want to call it that. She obviously does want to have her space. Yet, if I even consider something that she is doing and also even those things that are really innovative and inclusive helping people, she is very quiet or tries to see the negative side of it.

Well, while I am never going to say "Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want" to the exclusion of this relationship as long as I am in it, my top priority right now is to try to remain in this relationship while pursuing my own joys, but they will never overshadow this relationship as long as I am in it. Right now, if she so ever lays a hand on me to hit me even once, I am out of here. I will not tolerate not even one slap or one push. I will never provoke her, because I love her. I want to please her. Obviously and unfortunately, she does not feel the same way, even though she convinced me way back when that she was my "perfect" mate, that my first wife who passed away from cancer 17 years ago did not care or love me. Unfortunately, my BPDw is doing what my first wife did.

I apologize for the ramblings, but this is what I am going through and feeling.

[Samuel S.]

Yep, my BPDw said "Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want". She then said that since she had lost her first daughter to a mosquito bite and since she had been grieving for a long time, now, she is going to pursue anything and everything that she wants. While I understand why she feels the way she does, she told me last night about a class at an acupuncture clinic for the next week. This is above and beyond her classes that she is taking for two days in each week already. It turns out that this class is a meditation clinic, and she attended last night. She really enjoyed it.

I am slightly offended that she did not even ask me if I even would consider going to it. Seeing that the first of eight classes is over and seeing that she obviously wants that much more space from me, I told her last night that I am interested in the class for myself, but I told her that she is taking the class for herself and that I won't go with her.

I asked her when the next series of eight classes will be. She immediately said that I probably won't understand some of the techniques. I said that even if that is the case, I can still get a lot out of it. She was taken aback, and she remained quiet. My take on this situation and her reaction is that she is purely selfish and exclusive. She obviously does want to be away from this relationship, if you want to call it that. She obviously does want to have her space. Yet, if I even consider something that she is doing and also even those things that are really innovative and inclusive helping people, she is very quiet or tries to see the negative side of it.

Well, while I am never going to say "Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want" to the exclusion of this relationship as long as I am in it, my top priority right now is to try to remain in this relationship while pursuing my own joys, but they will never overshadow this relationship as long as I am in it. Right now, if she so ever lays a hand on me to hit me even once, I am out of here. I will not tolerate not even one slap or one push. I will never provoke her, because I love her. I want to please her. Obviously and unfortunately, she does not feel the same way, even though she convinced me way back when that she was my "perfect" mate, that my first wife who passed away from cancer 17 years ago did not care or love me. Unfortunately, my BPDw is doing what my first wife did.

I apologize for the ramblings, but this is what I am going through and feeling.

[Surnia]

Your situation sounds like a very "dry" relationship. I don't remember any post reporting from quality time between you and your wife. A nice talk, doing something together, cuddle or even more... .

You are having some doubts about the word relationship, and I agree, I would name it more like room mates.

What is keeping you in this situation?

And there is some repeating pattern, so I would say, life has here a challenge for you.

[123Phoebe]

She obviously does want to be away from this relationship, if you want to call it that.

Well, while I am never going to say "Nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want" to the exclusion of this relationship as long as I am in it, my top priority right now is to try to remain in this relationship while pursuing my own joys, but they will never overshadow this relationship as long as I am in it.

It sounds like you're succeeding in your goals, Samuel:  To remain in this "so-called relationship", to the exclusion of your own joys overshadowing it.  That you value this relationship, with all the misery that accompanies it.

Your own joys don't seem to be making you feel content.

So where to go from here... .?  Any ideas other than leaving if she pushes or slaps you?

[Samuel S.]

To Surnia, I have stayed in this relationship with my BPDw due to the fact that she has shown times of being human by being nice, even though it is rare, to be sure. Just last night, I showed her a new book of mine that got published in April, and I just got a copy of it. When I did show it to her, she gave me a hug, a kiss, and praised me. She even showed it to her D18 who thought it looks good.

While this is all well and good and gratifying that she looked at the cover, she not once has shown any interest in reading it. In fact none of my now 4 published books, because she has been too busy with her studies, etc. On the other hand, she once in a while will ask me to look over some written work of hers or ask for advice about this and that, if she needs something.

So, while I liked the positive reaction, the long term has been that she does not know that much more about me other than the covers of my books and really is too busy to know much more about me other than my physical exterior and how I can help her, sad to say, like the covers of my books.

When she does show her positive side rarely, those are signs of hope for me as a result.

To 123Phoebe, the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse has been extremely challenging to take over the years. Now, she is "better" in the sense that she rarely is abusive in any of these ways; however, she has been neglectful. Indeed, we are room mates. She told me a while back that she is not going to control me anymore. While that is "nice" to hear, it should never have happened in the first place, and I have never controlled her, because I have valued her as a human being as I do all human beings. They are not to be controlled or manipulated. Everyone deserves to be given respect. Control over just shows domination, and that does not help relationships. It only hinders them.

As for any possible pushing or slapping if it ever gets to that point, then, the last thing my BPDw will ever see of me is my back as I walk out the door. I will have endured and suffered enough, and that is a physical boundary that nobody deserves to encounter. After all, domestic violence no matter how slight is still domestic violence, and it is only the tip of the iceberg, if you will. There is anger like an exploding volcano.