Someone, please help me... 25 year old daughter, I am just empty inside

[msmagicmom]

Hi, My 25-year-old daughter is now and has been out of control for most of her life... I am a single mom and have done the best I could, even so far as working out of the home.  She tried school, but she couldn't adept socially, so eventually the school provided her a tutor so she could home school.  Bad idea, me working at home, her schooling at home, not a good plan... But, I didn't know what else to do.  Her dad is a drunk and a drug addict who now makes his living dumpster diving and selling his narcotics on the street, the ones he doesn't take with his whiskey... Now, the really bad part... My daughter has only had 1 real job in her life (outside of doing some work for family once in a great while) and it was at a humane society for pets, for which she did well for 3 months.  but then, she had to get her wisdom teeth pulled out and she decided that was a reason to quit, that she would be in too much pain to continue her job.  that was a year ago.

As of today, she still has not gone back to work.  Add to this, 2 years ago a pain doctor got her hooked on oxy (because she is always sick or there is something always wrong with her that causes pain), and so she had a surgery where they found nothing so I told her get off the pills or get out (which she knows I would never kick her out).  So, she kinda got off the pills, but I have some for myself that I use sparingly because I do have chronic pain (yet I work 50 hours a week and take care of us) and she takes them from me... I hide them in all kinds of places, I have locked closets, locked safe, lock boxes, and somehow she finds her way to them.  Yes, I gave her one a day when the doctors cut her off as a drug seeker to prevent her from having withdrawals for the first 2 weeks, but even that apparently wasn't enough for her, so she takes mine... Right now, they are so well hidden I hardly can find them myself when I need them.

 Onto problem #2, she was raped at the age of 14, and 10 years later they found the rapist, and now we have to go to court in December as she is a witness... i really think this is freaking her out (and me, I too have to be a witness, although I have no idea why, I wasn't there), but he was 24 and she was 14, so he needs to go down, but he probably won't because that is how things go in this country... he will get out with his hands slapped, but I really think this is making matters even worse... We were spose to go in August, but the pedophile got a delay so this carries on.

Next, I have literally run out of money to try to help her... I have given all I can to try and help her find a career, college, a calling, a following, something to help her find her way, but it's never enough... Right now I have given her my last 400.00 to "make a dream come true for her," last month, and now she wants more (of course she does) and I am flat out broke... I kept thinking if I did the right thing, or she did the right thing just once it would finally open her eyes and she would grow... instead, she hates my guts, she tells me how she cannot wait to get out of my house (and me neither) but she has this sick thought that I want her stuck in the house doing nothing... She will not ever listen to me speak... She just hollers and screams at me and occasionally gets violent... last year it was so bad I ended up jumping out of my bedroom window because she was being so violent, she smacked me in the head, and in doing so, I broke my foot!  It is almost exaactly one year to the date that I am writing this, because the same thing just happened.  She wants to participate in a belly dance show (something she excels at, and in a good way, not a bad way), and she even teaches people but none of this brings in a dime... I gave her what I had to contribute towards her shoe and explained to her I have 183.00 in the bank to last me for one month... So, she just had another fit, told me she hates my guts, and of course, I locked myself in my room.  While in here she screamed at me that she just took an entire bottle of gabapentin which of course I am sure she did not (she plays wolf girl a lot), but even if she did, I figured she would fall asleep and I could call her an ambulance... Now, mind you, I have follwed her to the hospital more times than I can count on my hands over the years, and she even gets nasty with doctors now.

So there we have it... My family thinks I am a pussy and a weakling because I don't kick her out, but I just cannot do that... Having been abandoned myself at age 16 by both parents, it's just not in me... I am not a physical person, I have never raised a hand to her (but I sure cannot say the same for her).  I work hard all day, I own our house (she was born and raised in this house and we still live her), but nothing is ever enough.  my sister just makes fun of me... I have tried every which way but loose to get her to find work, like not giving her money, but when i don't give her money, she literally goes bat crazy and i fear for my safety... Okay, so there, I said it all out loud, in writing, nobody seems to be able to help me, nobody... i don't want to call cops, they have never done anything except believe her when she says it's all me... and I don't like cops... I don't want cops involved in any of this, but when I fear for my life, I don't know what else to do?  Okay moms and dads, your thoughts, please, please, as I say through my pouring tears after 25  years of the same old same old?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello msmagicmom, 

Welcome to the Parenting board!

This must be so very distressing - are you safe at this moment?

I am so sorry you are dealing with so much and feeling alone in this... .We are here to support you.

There are lots of things you are dealing with, and they are all difficult problems.

Your safety is the most important one in this. It must be terrifying to be afraid in your own home.

Okay, so there, I said it all out loud, in writing, nobody seems to be able to help me, nobody... i don't want to call cops, they have never done anything except believe her when she says it's all me... and I don't like cops... I don't want cops involved in any of this, but when I fear for my life, I don't know what else to do?  Okay moms and dads, your thoughts, please, please, as I say through my pouring tears after 25  years of the same old same old?

If you aren't able to safely leave your home, or keep yourself safe, and your daughter is violent, then calling the police would be the correct thing to do... .

You say that in the past they haven't done anything - are you thinking it's going to happen again? How about your sister - could she perhaps vouch for your character and describe her side of what she believes is happening? Also, if there are multiple complaints, someone will eventually figure out what's going on... .(It's just a thought)

When things calm down, these might be a couple of really useful links to read through, they will help you get prepared for situations like this, and stay safe:

Safety First

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Let us know how you are, ok?

[qcarolr]

msmagicmom  

You have touched my heart in so many ways. It takes such courage to share your story. There is hope and perhaps we can help you find some. I have cycled through that hopeless, desperate place so many times with my BPDDD28. She was a difficult child from age 3 weeks when we adopted her. I found bpdfamily when BPD was added to DD's list of dx's at age 23. Though I share a path here that has worked for me, you will find your way to what works for you.

Okay, so there, I said it all out loud, in writing, nobody seems to be able to help me, nobody... i don't want to call cops, they have never done anything except believe her when she says it's all me... and I don't like cops... I don't want cops involved in any of this, but when I fear for my life, I don't know what else to do?  Okay moms and dads, your thoughts, please, please, as I say through my pouring tears after 25  years of the same old same old?

There are many resources here at bpdfamily that have helped me survive, set personal safety and values-based boundaries, and develop healthier more effective ways to communicate with my DD. It takes to time, practice, and SELF-CARE.

msmagicmom, you are worth the effort of taking care of yourself. When those around me and on this board kept saying "What are you doing to care for yourself?" I rebelled. This was about my daughter, not me! Allowing myself to value my needs before the unending needs of D, has made such a great difference in my ability to cope.

Personal safety is the very first step. Here is a link to the home page for the board "Coping and Healing from a BPD parent, sibling, or inlaw". Look on the right side bar.  When I first came here this is where I started. Even though the "Survivor Guide" has a childhood abuse theme, it helped me with the abuse from my DD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

Even when there is no change in behavior, it is important to call 911 every time there is physical violence. Go outside - will she follow you there? Let the neighbors witness. My DD when in a rage would follow me out as I was dialing 911. Or the neighbor would call 911 when I arrived at their door. I took a risk and shared my home life with a couple of neighbors. I asked them to be a 'safe place' for me. The link that pessio gave in her reply gives a lot more information about keeping safe. You are worth it.

The rape being brought back up is a huge trigger for your D, and for you. What kinds of counseling did she receive at the time of this crime? Is there anyone else in your life or her life that could encourage her to get this now? Does she have a victim advocate from the DA's office for this trial that could find resources for you both? I cannot imagine how hard this is for both of you.

Do you have any support from friends? My family mostly isolated from dh and I when DD was in high school. I have made an effort to reach out to others in my church (well first I had to find the church!). I found some support through NAMI in our area. I got that info from the county mental health center. They also gave DD access to many resources when she chose to meet with a case manager there. She accepts that she has depression and panic/anxiety disorder - not that she has borderline PD.

My DD also has drug addiction issues. It does not matter what started the alcohol and drug use. I had such strong denial about this. Even with evidence right in my face. I came to accept that searching for someone else to blame for her drug use was a part of my denial. Going to Al Anon really helped me understand my part in this. I found a group with many other parents with young adult kids using drugs. This is a great place to find support. Let us know if you are interested and need help finding a group in your area.

Whew! This is a lot to take in. There is so much more. I will keep checking and am here to walk with you through this part of your journey. Please come back and let me know how you are doing.

qcr    

[Pinkeraser]

I can relate to your story... .my 24 yo daughter has similar issues... .drugs, alcohol, verbal and physical abuse towards me even when I am in the middle of helping her ... .she has no long term friendships or romantic relationships - they all end in extreme drama, and although she is very intelligent and has had multiple jobs she seems to be unable to keep them or quits for reasons, such as, my coworkers don't like me are sabotaging me... .etc.

I like you was a single mom, worked from home because her behavior was so out of control I had to leave work too often then not to go to her school because of this or that... .mostly girl trauma or drugs found in her bag. So I quit a great job and took a $40K cut in pay to take a job that allowed me to work from home. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt when I knew most of the stories she told me were lies. I have bailed her out of most of her financial situations, and have basically lost everything due to her behavior. She would destroy my home office and rant for hours while I was trying to work if I did not give her money, or take her where she needed to go, etc. I ended up losing my job because I could not keep up with my workload, from there I could not find work and lost my house, and basically everything. My family has walked away from me and her because my daughter burned all her bridges with them.

So my point is don't lose yourself and your career, house and family for your daughter. After I lost everything I could no longer help her to the extent I was helping her and she seemed to pull it together for awhile ( I still gave her money for rent money and deposit on her last apartment, but she had been clean and sober for over 2 years.) Then like always it only took 3 months for her to get into an argument with her roommate, lose her job... etc. Her behavior was so bad her roommate had to call the police. After all this, with nothing, I still tried to allow her to live with me, gave her what money I had not worrying about my well being... .but I must have PTSD because the last time she stayed with me (only 2 days) I found her behavior caused me to have severe emotional distress to the point I had to ask her to leave and put her out in the streets.

She is now homeless and has been for about 2.5 months... .she has since lost or sold her laptop, cell phone, ID, passport. She calls me from random numbers asking me to pick her up and allow her to live with me again. I can't do that (as much as I want too) unless she agrees to a dual diagnosis rehab. This is really hard to emotional manage but I CAN NO LONGER HELP HER, she has to HELP HERSELF. Her father is a recovering alcoholic and he says she has to hit rock bottom like he did (although he does not have a mental health issue like BPD, and has never really been in her life she did reach out to him and he told her to go to AA meeting and call him when she has been clean for awhile-sobering up didn't take his insensitive jerk side away).

I know am coming to realize I enabled her all those years because it helped me, it made me feel better. Her suffering and poor choices killed me inside, I hated to see her suffer, so I justified helping her because I told myself "No one else will help so I have too."  But I was only keeping her from realizing the consequences of her behavior. Letting her be homeless is VERY HARD and I posted recently asking for coping skills to get through this and I got some supportive words and links. But the reality is she is an adult. I can't admit her into a treatment facility or even make her a mental health appt. (I live in CA). All the places I have called or mental health centers say she has to call. She has to seek the help I can't do it for her.

For the last 10 years I have felt alone not knowing if I was going crazy then I read several BPD books, such as "Walking on Egg Shells" and I started realizing I was in the throws of raising a child with BPD. I am not sure if my story helps and I have recently found out that my daughter was arrested for being under the influence (about a week ago via a postcard from a jail saying she could make an appt. to pick up property) so I am hoping she received a referral to counseling or a rehab/detox. I have not heard from her in 3 weeks so I am worried but I just keep reminding myself what the mental health professionals have been telling me (and she was in a psych hospital on a mental health hold for a week in May this year) if she does not want help there is nothing I can do accept take care of myself and live my life. There is a Parents "Bill of Rights" I printed that I carry with me that you might want to read and see if it helps you.

God bless you and hope something I said helped.

[qcarolr]

Pinkeraser

You are on my heart tonight as well. I am so sorry that you lost so very much out of love for your D. I hope that you get some news of her soon.

There is such a rush of emotion reading your story here and msmagicmom's. My DD28 was first homeless in 2009 when she was 23. Looking back I can see how enmeshed we were, and I still have work to do in untangling myself from her. I believed that this was really my fault for a long time, even though she was totally out of control in our home. It was her losing it in front of her little girl that put me over the edge. Even when we allowed her to return to our home in 2011 it was still a roller coaster. I realize now that my efforts to be supportive were sabotaged by her drug use and drug using friends. I was lost in the mental place that I could rescue them all! What a mess. It is a really long story and I am learning to tell only the relevant pieces.

My gd9 is calling to me now. She has always lived with us. We got custody when she was a baby with the help of the daddy. He knew she needed us. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. He left our state when she was 18 months old.

I will be back tomorrow. Wish we could sit and have tea or coffee together on my back patio, watching the breeze in the trees and the clouds over the mountains to the west. Kids giggling and playing in the yard. I can now find some peace and rest in each day. It is a long journey.  It is so much better in the company of others that get it.

qcr