who has BPD? him or i

[angel770]

I am an empath and I can't help but to feel his BPD. I'm taking steps to remain in my hullahoop. I feel it more when he's having his problems. I am working on not sponging but protecting me; by shielding from negative energy. While I validate his feelings. For him validation works. I give him encouragement to deal with his issues and I take care of mine.

I am continuing to heal from my past and recognize similar issues we have from an abusive past. I had a better home life but my life was stolen in my early teens. I believe I am a survivor, his home life was terrible, he didn't bond with his mother, and he had trouble to early adulthood. I always look to grow and move forward. He seems to move forward even when life knocks him. We do seem to encourage one another too.

When I read books on BPD, I recognize my sweetheart but then I say hmmm... about me...

Why? Empathy? (I have been told I don't have BPD by doctors) Advice from other empaths would be great too.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, angel770 & 

I know that I'm pretty empathetic and sensitive to others' feelings and moods, and can tell in a flash if something is "wrong" with the BPD loved ones in my life. It only takes a certain look, or sigh, or flick of the switch with their body language, and I'm "on it" 

And I'm not in any way BPD, so I hope that comforts you some... .My advice would be for you to continue to read books on the subject, among other things. These have been very helpful to me:

"The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger

"Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr

"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning

But there are several others that you can find at this link that would also be good: Book Reviews. And for more great information to help your relationship, please check out the links to the right-hand side of this page if you haven't already done that. The Lessons are especially helpful to understand what is going on and how to handle it all. I do understand feeling so empathetic for my BPD loved one that I need to learn how to detach from their feelings in order to properly validate and use the communication tools correctly in order to be more helpful for them and for my own well-being.

Can you tell me what your relationship with him looks like? What in particular gives you trouble? It's great that you find validation working well with him; lots of times that is the very first hurdle to be jumped, and I'm so glad that it works for you! I'm sorry that your own past is so traumatic; have you checked out Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse yet? You need to take care of you too, angel770 

[angel770]

We met online. We talked for a while before we met in person. I have visited him over the last year 4 times. I spent one month with him this last trip. He lives in Canada and I live in the states. I will immigrate to him. I have met his close family and friends. We has been easy to trust, first with my safety. Then he was patient to let me get used to feeling love. He has treated me like a queen this last year. He even helped me through my insecurities.

He hasn't come out and said he has BPD. But he told me about the rage, his impulsive ways... both he seems to control and I know how he is with his mother; he gets jealous of his brother who has a better relationship and who bonded with her. He used to be extreme in his pleasure time... like cave diving, shark diving etc. He knows that our lives were much different. He wants to give me what I haven't had in life, love... he knows I was isolated and didn't live much when married to my ex at a very early age.

He admires my progress in life. And I love the person he is. I love to nurture and don't get lost in that. He has never been married and feels I am a first. His friends say I have a calming effect on him. He accepts my spiritual side... I have had an awakening and still learning about that. I'm empathetic and have psychic dreams (goes back to childhood), something I have found when truely finding me. We have had a few things that we have worked through, based on me working through my past.

He recently had a few traumatic events that triggered up his symptoms. He tried best to shield me, I could feel him from a distance. We had a minor misunderstanding when he was super tired. Then the following day he went silent. The silence triggered my abandonment issues and I panicked. Unfortunately I got drunk, my mother found me like this and I cried it out with her and asked her why every thing in my life has been so hard and I was feeling like giving up. I unfortunately told him, he internalized that I meant him and I. It scared him, triggered his abandonment issues.

I reach out to find more information about BPD. He let me know how it felt, now this issue caused a trust problem for him. I now know from how he has been this past month after the trauma that, he has had a hard time and any of my need of time and attention has been hard on him. He ended up losing his job and some savings (he worked hard to build for us). I reassured I.can wait however long it takes. I have loved him back with validation. He is being open with me again. I do my own thing and am constructing my own support system and am available if he needs me but he's trust worthy in doing his part in the relationship. I think if it were not for some of these events, I wouldn't have noticed these symptoms.

We have talked about the rage and he asked how I would deal with it. I said first, I would want to know... learn what triggers it and I would leave the room. He said he would prefer to leave but promised me he would settle and return. I guess I am not like some people he has been with that provokes him. He tells me over and over that when I am there I must have friends and he wants me to continue enjoying life. I understand that. We encourage growth and moving forward. I wish he felt more secure. I did write him a letter telling him thst my mother said I didn't say anything to her about me leaving him. I think I was feeling him too much that day and I took it as mine, although I have my own issues with abandonment and I know I would never give up on me. He is very intelligent and compassionate toward me, he's just dealing with alot right now.

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for filling in the blanks, angel770... .

It sounds like you two have a lot going for your relationship; he's willing to acknowledge his flaws, and you are willing to admit your own (we all have them; it's in the realization of that fact that we can work on making things better). You are both interested in working things out with compassion for each other's feelings, and that's great too!

Have you had the chance to check out any of the information I mentioned in my first reply? Did any of it "speak" to you or help in any way? I think that it would be very beneficial to your understanding of him and his behaviors, and even of yourself and your own reactions to him. It's in the learning of those things that you find the power to make things get better. You already seem to have a good relationship to build on, and I think you are both on the right road to a better relationship.

When do you plan on moving to Canada? How are you feeling about doing that? Would you have some sort of future for yourself in place in case things with your boyfriend don't work out (or work out right away)? I know it's a big move and a new life, and something like that can be very stressful. Caring about him is commendable, as long as you take care of your own self, too... .Will you still be able to see family and friends after the move? Would you still have a support system after you leave the US? It can be very exciting, and a very positive development as long as you are prepared for it