Co-worker issues

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need to vent.

I wonder how I encounter these people over and over in my life. I explained the situation to my therapist, trying to get some clarity with the situation. I realize that every experience is a lesson. So what am I missing or not doing that I encounter this situation again? I feel like I did with my FOO always having to defend myself and explain my actions. I think that is what was triggered in me with this situation. I feel like I am 10 years old again and being lied on by my own family and then criticized if I tried to explain myself.


Background. I am teaching at a new school (second year) in a new town and new state. Last year was good, some minor bumps because of threat of school closure. I even had a parent who refused to allow me to tutor their child. I am not the first teacher that they have done this to. So, this year, we have all new administration. There has been an upsurge of several teachers who are trying to control every aspect of the school, from scheduling to teaching practices. I have encountered a co-worker who last year, while not the most pleasant or reasonable person to work with, this year has teamed up with several other teachers to take control. To the point of telling me that she and some other teachers have discussed taking on classes to prevent another co-worker from getting the teaching position full-time. Gossip is running rampant about teachers and administration. I admit that I have been guilty of some of this and pulled back immediately when I realized I was being sucked in. Then things changed in the dynamics of the  relationships between me and several teachers. I truly believe that this stems from some gossip that was spread about me at the beginning of the school year. While I was part of a committee to hire new admin, I was not a  committee of one. I feel as if I am being targeted as the guilty party, when there should be no guilt for anyone who was on the committee to begin with. We chose who we felt was the best candidate for the position, and that should be the end of the story. Instead, I am treated like a villain because a particular person who applied for the position was not chosen.

This one co-worker has challenged my authority and teaching practices openly in front of colleagues and students. Today, in meeting with a parent, I am told that there is a great deal of gossip about me at ball games. I am furious that these small-minded people would engage in such a careless act and do this in front of their children. This parent and I were so angry at each other, that I was not happy with the way we left things. I did let the parent know that I didn't want to know what was being said and that she was just as guilty for participating in the gossip. The parent stated that she directed the other party to me, but I reminded her that she listened, so she is culpable.

I went to the admin today, so frustrated with the situation that I was in tears. I find myself in a position where I am the target of gossip, which has now resulted in a witch hunt by parents.

What am I missing? What do I need to learn from this situation?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Too angry to say peace and blessings right now, because I don't feel peace within or very blessed.

[clljhns]

I need to vent.

I wonder how I encounter these people over and over in my life. I explained the situation to my therapist, trying to get some clarity with the situation. I realize that every experience is a lesson. So what am I missing or not doing that I encounter this situation again? I feel like I did with my FOO always having to defend myself and explain my actions. I think that is what was triggered in me with this situation. I feel like I am 10 years old again and being lied on by my own family and then criticized if I tried to explain myself.


Background. I am teaching at a new school (second year) in a new town and new state. Last year was good, some minor bumps because of threat of school closure. I even had a parent who refused to allow me to tutor their child. I am not the first teacher that they have done this to. So, this year, we have all new administration. There has been an upsurge of several teachers who are trying to control every aspect of the school, from scheduling to teaching practices. I have encountered a co-worker who last year, while not the most pleasant or reasonable person to work with, this year has teamed up with several other teachers to take control. To the point of telling me that she and some other teachers have discussed taking on classes to prevent another co-worker from getting the teaching position full-time. Gossip is running rampant about teachers and administration. I admit that I have been guilty of some of this and pulled back immediately when I realized I was being sucked in. Then things changed in the dynamics of the  relationships between me and several teachers. I truly believe that this stems from some gossip that was spread about me at the beginning of the school year. While I was part of a committee to hire new admin, I was not a  committee of one. I feel as if I am being targeted as the guilty party, when there should be no guilt for anyone who was on the committee to begin with. We chose who we felt was the best candidate for the position, and that should be the end of the story. Instead, I am treated like a villain because a particular person who applied for the position was not chosen.

This one co-worker has challenged my authority and teaching practices openly in front of colleagues and students. Today, in meeting with a parent, I am told that there is a great deal of gossip about me at ball games. I am furious that these small-minded people would engage in such a careless act and do this in front of their children. This parent and I were so angry at each other, that I was not happy with the way we left things. I did let the parent know that I didn't want to know what was being said and that she was just as guilty for participating in the gossip. The parent stated that she directed the other party to me, but I reminded her that she listened, so she is culpable.

I went to the admin today, so frustrated with the situation that I was in tears. I find myself in a position where I am the target of gossip, which has now resulted in a witch hunt by parents.

What am I missing? What do I need to learn from this situation?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Too angry to say peace and blessings right now, because I don't feel peace within or very blessed.

[Harri]

Hi clljhns.  What a frustrating situation to be in!  I am sorry you are going through this and are surrounded by such petty backstabbers! 

Unfortunately i do not have any words of wisdom for you.  I can say that you are not alone.  At my last job, where I was for thirteen years, there were several problems and an atmosphere of fear, bullying and politics that started at the top and trickled its way down.  My department could be likened to middle management in a way.  It sounds similar to your position where you are caught in the middle and being held responsible for things you had no control of or were part of a group decision.  It is frustrating.

Anyway, I was never able to really figure out what I was supposed to learn from it either.  I had an inkling it had to do with learning to be okay with me even when others did not like me or treated me unfairly at best or were downright mean with attempts to tarnish my reputation with patients and admin.  It was definitely a lesson picking my battles and learning to control my mouth though.  Writing this, I wonder if it was a lesson in knowing I am okay and speaking from that stance rather than a stance where I was being treated unfairly.  Huh, I will have to think more on that.  I am quite sure that my tone and words would come out very differently.

It sounds to me like you handled the meeting with the parent very well.   Good for you for telling her you don't want to hear the gossip (and btw, who does that in a conference?) and that she was culpable.  It can be so hard to not get caught up in all that crap and it sounds like you did a great job with stopping yourself once you realized.   

have you ever checked out bullyonline.org ?  You might find some useful information for how best to address this.  If it were me I would be tempted to send a letter to all teachers and parents... .but I have a feeling that would not be advisable!   

I hope this situation resolves itself in your favor.  In the meantime, I will end this with peace and blessings toward you.

peace and blessings to you clljhns

[clljhns]

Harri,

Thank you for your words of support! Yes it is frustrating and yes, it is unfair. I wonder if part of what I need to learn from this is the ability to clearly express myself and remain calm. I can't say that I was calm with the parent, but I wasn't yelling either. I was firm and resolute. That really did feel good to call her out on her bad behavior instead of just being politically correct and accepting her bullying. The parent told me in the conversation that she was only coming to me as a parent and wanted to share just what her daughter had expressed. I told her that no, she didn't just come to me with concerns about her daughter, she brought the whole ball field with her for support to attack me. No acceptable! What a bully! What a sad statement for these parents and for their kids that are exposed to this bad behavior.

I am so sorry that you also experienced a situation of back stabbing in your last job. It makes things so difficult, it is completely unnecessary. I love my job, as I am sure you do. I just can't understand how people can do these things and feel good about themselves.


Thanks for the website. I will check it out! Thank you for sending me peace and blessings! I am in a better space today.

Peace and blessings. 

[jmanvo2015]

Morning clljhns

I'm very sorry to hear about this stressful and unfair work situation.  I have been in similar work situations and they have consumed my thoughts and caused me a great deal of anguish, so I understand what you're experiencing.

I don't really like to give advice because I always feel like who am I to give advice?  So, instead, I try to share similar situations and how they've worked for me and what I've done about them. There have been times in my life when I've stayed in jobs that presented un-winnable and unfair conflicts when, upon reflection, I wonder if sometimes the universe is not presenting us with an opportunity to exit an unfair situation that is similar to the unfair situation we experience with our BPD/NPD parents?

I also believe that as the children of BPD/NPDs we develop characteristics and ways of relating that make us, whether consciously or unconsciously, easy targets for abusive and manipulative people.  In my own healing journey, I'm finding myself doing everything I can to protect myself from people like this without cutting off ties and self-sabotaging by destroying peripheral work and personal relationships.  In some situations, I've been "blocking" these emotional piranhas on my iPhone.  They don't know and I don't have to deal with the stress associated with their intrusions.  Then, I don't talk about them to anyone so nobody knows there's a problem.  They can't keep doing what they're doing, but I haven't done anything to hurt them.  They're just kind of bewildered about why I don't return their texts and calls.  This kind of makes me giggle on the inside.

But, anyway, I digress... .

Teaching is an incredibly difficult profession that always seems, to me, to be more about politics and personalities than anything else.  If you have earned benefits then you probably don't want to leave your job.  I never want to leave any work situation because I'm always convinced that somehow there's a "lesson" I need to learn.  However, recently, I was working with a client I really liked - a family business.  I liked the family owners very much, but they had a manager who was clearly undermining all my chances at success.  I grissured about it for a few months.  I tried to explain in a face-to-face meeting, but the owner couldn't hear me.  Finally, I emailed him with my concerns about this woman's unreasonable demands, constant second guessing and intrusive voicemails. Guess what?  He didn't respond.  Yep. He totally ignored my email.  Yet, I know for a fact another person had quit because of this gal.  But he just can't see the problem... .yet.

Anyhoo.  I think, regardless of the outcome, I did something right because a week later a new client in a similar business - an even better client for me - appeared to offer me the same work.

OK, so what's my point?  Well, can you ask HR for mediation or an opportunity to express your concerns and see what the outcome is?  Can you also, just to make yourself feel better and not trapped, just start looking around to see if there might be a better opportunity for you someplace that is even better than you could ever possibly imagine?

Whatever the outcome, I hope it is favorable for you.  Hug.

[clljhns]

jmanvo2015,

Thank you for the support and hug!  I did discuss the situation with my principal. The first time in 14 years of teaching that I have ever had to go to an administrator with a complaint on a teacher.

I am here for the year at least, and may look at other options if this situation does not resolve. I agree with you about looking for the lesson in situations. I also know that while the principal listened to me and assured me he would take care of the situation, he can't stop people from gossiping.

So glad to know that in your situation you are still valued by your clients.

Peace and blessings.