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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: What do you think the most injurious part of a BPD relationship is?  (Read 6984 times)
tim_tom
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« on: September 26, 2014, 02:17:53 PM »

The ups and downs? The devaluation? The verbal abuse/silent treatment? The quick departure/rebound? Cheating? (if it applies)

For my money it's the post breakup coldness/blame game...

Here I am dealing with the ego bruise of being dumped +  dealing with missing someone I loved very much who departed suddenly

Adding the shame/guilt associated with being told I caused all of it is just inhumane.  Like I don't have enough to worry about!  Mix in the coldness of being painted the darkest black and treated like I am a minor acquaintance in her life, rather then someone she spent the last 16 months with.

Finish it off with gaslighting where I am forced to question my own memory of events, my own sanity and it makes it very hard to cope with it all.

For a gaslighting example, my ex loved to spend money. Encouraged for me to take a promotion (strongly, told me I was crazy if I didn't and nagged about it for weeks)  I was leery about the promotion and didn't say yes right away. This ultimate started the chain reaction that was the demise of our relationship. When discussed now, she actually tells me she didn't want me to take this job, that I cared only about money and all that was important to her was our connection. WTH! One of us was seriously disassociating, and while my thinking mind knows it was her, my emotional being has doubts. CRUEL!

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« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2014, 02:27:19 PM »

Hi tim_tom,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been post break-up and during your r/s. It's learning to trust our intuition after we've spent some time out of the fog.

What do you mean shame and guilt after the post break up? Do you feel shame and guilt about your actions in the r/s or do you mean her projecting?
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tim_tom
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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2014, 02:28:57 PM »

Hi tim_tom,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been post break-up and during your r/s. It's learning to trust our intuition after we've spent some time out of the fog.

What do you mean shame and guilt after the post break up? Do you feel shame and guilt or do you mean her projecting?

I mean, in my weakened emotional state, hearing how I was 100% to blame for what happened invoked shame an guilt in me. It was my fault, I wasn't good enough, I didn't do the right things FORCING her to leave for greener pastures.

That is a very hard thing to deal with, particularly when hurting in normal ways a B/U effects you
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2014, 02:34:15 PM »

Knowing their pain. Feeling the truama.
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2014, 03:12:21 PM »

Tim Tom,

One day ( and you WILL turn the corner, even though it may be at just 5km/h) you will realize that you are better off. You will always carry the scars but you will move forward... .slowly and then... .acceptance!
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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2014, 03:19:45 PM »

She picked my scabs and rubbed vinegar all over my wounds even ones that I didn't know I had. Shaming, blaming, abandoning, controlling, withholding, denying, lying, manipulating, abusing, namecalling, object throwing, degrading... .

I paid my dues in full to the opposite sex for whatever karmic debt my male ancestors have passed down to me. I have done my time. I think my rs has served as a sort of emotional weakness immunisation. I  feel that there is little that can hurt me in the next relatioship. And I am ready to walk away if I have to.  No deal is a form of a deal nowdays. I am wearing bearskin.
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« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2014, 03:24:26 PM »

Their black and white thinking. That one time you were the best for them and now you are the worst.
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« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2014, 03:26:50 PM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.
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« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2014, 03:28:18 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2014, 03:29:14 PM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

yes ... .never satisfied... you struggle to reach the goal line, fight through linebackers, drag a lineman on your back, fall forward over the goalline, only to look up and not see 6 points on the board, but see her 10 yards further away where the goal line was moved to...

Hell on earth!
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« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2014, 03:39:25 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes! That you were one of the many guys, nothing special.
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« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2014, 03:52:13 PM »

.
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« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2014, 03:57:26 PM »

For me, the worst thing was being discarded so coldly after convincing me her affair with my replacement was over. I was told that she wanted to "make things right" by me and would not contact him again, after promising to let me read her goodbye letter. That goodbye letter never came, for a variety of reasons, including his "planned" suicide for next year. She felt that maybe she could encourage him to stay alive, as a friend, although she told me his wife supported the notion of his plan to kill himself (?). Of course when she thought I was suicicdal because of their affair, she merely offered to call an ambulance, rather than agree to talk to me face to face, because she "couldn't deal with it." I should note that I never threatened or indicated suicidal ideation.

After reading text messages indicating she was still cheating with him, she dumped me. First it was my fault for not listening to her or understanding her,  not expressing how much I loved her, then it was because she was so attatched to me that she needed someone to be there when she parted from me (because she didn't want to be stuck with me "forever." After this is was because she "fell" for my replacement, because she was young and needed to make her own mistakes, and finally, because I was a father figure that she needed to help her get her life in order at the time (before relapsing on drugs and alcohol, failing her internship, and barely graduating). All the while telling me I was her best friend, soulmate, would love me forever, etc.

Perhaps the worst behavior was the way she dismissed my feelings. I was told that "these things happen all the time" and I should just accept it, that I should realise that human bonds are ephemeral and the study of Buddhism would help, that the way I dealt with loss was unhealthy and that she would take no responsibility for anything beyond two months of "resentment". I was also told I was the one abandoning the relationship, because I refused to be friends, and that she thought our love was unconditional (which I think meant that it was unconditional for me and that should accept her need to "grow". Funny, but when I texted her after finding the bloody fur of my beloved cat, reportedly killed by a coyote, I was told that she could no longer "be there" for me.

In all of this, there was never once anyconsideration of my feelings, or apology. Its as if she did absolutelynothing wrongthroug all the brokenpromises, cheating, lying, and abandonment. It is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2014, 05:22:28 PM »

No one is 100% to blame for the end of a relationship. Gaslighting is incredibly controlling. When I left my partner I felt sucked dry. A healthy relationship does not require you to be something you're not just to keep the peace. A healthy partner can be respectful of your choices and decisions without threatening to run at a moments notice. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't/ shouldn't have to put up with that in a healthy relationship. This is a great time for you to remember she is not well and that relationship was just not sustainable unless you have your soul stripped away.  Everyone deserves an equal partnership. We are all worth it. Especially to ourselves. You should not feel guilty at all. If anything be thankful that vampire is gone and you now have a real chance at love and life happiness. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2014, 05:29:28 PM »

Gaslighting. Hands down.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2014, 05:41:23 PM »

Everything is annihilated

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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2014, 05:41:51 PM »

There was so much that happened in the relationship that was painful... .the emotional and verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the running away, the drinking, her toxic family.  And I played my part and had faults that played into everything. The most devastating and hurtful part for me is seeing her know and realizing that after six years I am not even missed or thought of. Here is the person who together we talked about marriage, kids, where we were going to build a house... .and now she doesn't even think of me. I am nothing more than a stranger. While I sit here in pain and cry for her she doesn't even blink when she hears my name.  That is the most injurious part for me.
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2014, 05:56:59 PM »

For me it was totally the gaslighting. Funny enough, I never truly caved. My gut was always screaming at me. I spent a majority of my relationship anxiety ridden from it. When it ended I was relieved but more disgusted by how sick I really saw her to be after the break up. She wasted 3 years of my life.
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2014, 09:12:29 PM »

Gaslighting. Hands down.

Yup. The gas-lighting is hard to shake off. My husband is a past master at it, even though some of the accusations he has thrown at me are quite ridiculous. My lovely long time school friend, who I've known for more years than I care to remember, has to spell it out in capitals for me over and over:

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! I still can't quite believe her.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2014, 09:23:30 PM »

Yes, all of the above: the being split black, the being blamed for everything (even though she broke up-- and it wasn't like I was blaming her-- who wants to blame?), the impossibility of having a conversation with her at the end, the mean quips she would say that stay with me still (ugh).
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« Reply #20 on: September 26, 2014, 09:29:55 PM »

also, the thought that she has replaced me, and the nagging thought that if I had done something different it could have been better (that one is related to the being blamed). Wow, it is wild that all of us were so totally blamed for things.
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« Reply #21 on: September 26, 2014, 09:47:06 PM »

I stated before I thought having her not think of me after six years together was the most injurious thing that happened to me but I was wrong.  The most injurious part of the relationship was allowing her to take my self confidence and allowing her to make me doubt and question my self.

I sit here now asking myself... .am I good enough?  Am I lovable?  Am I pretty?  Will anyone ever love me again?

That self doubt and questioning has tore me to my core. I struggle with these questions and thoughts. I never questioned my worth or value before but now I do.  This is what keeps me trapped in recycles or trapped in longing and wanting her. I want it to stop. I work hard every day to take back my power and life. This has been the hardest battle for me.
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« Reply #22 on: September 26, 2014, 09:53:45 PM »

The blind side hit. We never broke up or talked about breaking it off. A week before, we were shopping for condos on the beach. He told me he wanted me to spend more time with his sons so they know I'm "... .a staple in their lives." Then an altercation when I asked about his repaying a large sum of money he committed, and POOF! He was gone: 8 weeks ago today. Gone without a trace. Utter and complete abandonment.
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« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2014, 04:34:04 AM »

For me it was not being able to trust my own perceptions about life. Believing all the crazy things he said that were all my fault. The confusion, trying to be a sane person in an insane relationship - sent me crazy.
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« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2014, 07:10:52 AM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

Wow.  Yes.  The accusation of being selfish and irresponsible after making a truly heroic effort to conform to their needs is really a slap in the face, isn't it?  I did all the hosework, then the errands and tasks he needed me to do for his work, even when he could easily do them himself, only to be yelled at when I'd be less than cheerful when carrying out the tasks he'd assigned.  And then told I'm a selfish and irresponsible and the failure of our relationship is entirely my fault, for failing to understand him and support him enough.  Even if I know it's irational, the guilt was crippling, still is from time to time.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2014, 07:15:22 AM »

For me it was not being able to trust my own perceptions about life. Believing all the crazy things he said that were all my fault. The confusion, trying to be a sane person in an insane relationship - sent me crazy.

Yes, that is tough. I am a logical guy, and spent most of my time in my rational mind.  I was a computer programmer after all. So the gas lighting during the relationship never had too much of a conscious impact on me that i was aware of,  at least I thought. I would just think to myself, she's nuts! and then go about my day.

Once the breakup occurred, and the emotional mind ruled... I could see the damage that had been done.  Now I was feeling it and aware of it, questioning everything, my perceptions, my behaviors, chicken and egg... I mean, I still knew lots of the stuff she did was dysfunctional, but I wondered if I was the cause... like I was old told...

I've since realized that during the relationship, while I was busy operating in my thinking mind, the friction, debasement/devaluation, gaslighting... it all got out, just through the side door and manifested itself as alcohol abuse. There are 2 periods in my 40 years on this earth that I've been a heavy drinker, the first was when things were coming to the end with my bipolar ex wife (who exhibited many low functioning borderline traits and might have been co or misdiagnosed), the second was when thing were coming to an end with my exBPD. Normally I have no problem with alcohol, this compulsion comes from avenues I am not consciously aware of at the time. I just feel like I need a drink, the urge is strong, even if I tell myself all day... no drinking tonight... By 7pm I'd be pouring one. Sad.
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Duped11years

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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2014, 07:29:32 AM »

Yes, all of the above: the being split black, the being blamed for everything (even though she broke up-- and it wasn't like I was blaming her-- who wants to blame?), the impossibility of having a conversation with her at the end, the mean quips she would say that stay with me still (ugh).

I can relate to everything you said here kc... .she is the one that instigated the break-up, yet she continues to blame me for it... .and any attempts to put some normal closure on it are only met with her complete inability of having a reasonable and thoughtful conversation. The mean quips? How about getting texts saying how many times she had oral sex in a day. Amazing stuff.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2014, 08:25:41 AM »

there were a lot of things... .

when, in exhaustion, I stopped trying to reach her impossible demands and ridiculous standards, she switched tactics and started working on the weak spots I had revealed to her in confidence... .she deliberately created an unstable and volatile home environment, making me insecure and anxious... .constantly brought up my childhood abuse, goaded me about my physical appearance, disrespected my deceased wife and scratched at any other insecurities she could think of. It was systematic, it was brutal and traumatic. In a semi lucid moment in the final days of our r/s she admitted to wanting to hurt me, but insisted she loved me. It was as sick as you get.
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« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2014, 09:06:16 AM »

The complete lack of closure. Your emotions from the relationship are like a rod of plutonium that needs time to cool only that doesn't happen when she spits.

Only time and help from others allow for the radioactive waste generated from this relationship  to decay.
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« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2014, 09:32:09 AM »

Completely losing yourself, not knowing who you are anymore, questioning your own values and sanity.
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« Reply #30 on: September 29, 2014, 11:42:11 AM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

Wow.  Yes.  The accusation of being selfish and irresponsible after making a truly heroic effort to conform to their needs is really a slap in the face, isn't it?  I did all the hosework, then the errands and tasks he needed me to do for his work, even when he could easily do them himself, only to be yelled at when I'd be less than cheerful when carrying out the tasks he'd assigned.  And then told I'm a selfish and irresponsible and the failure of our relationship is entirely my fault, for failing to understand him and support him enough.  Even if I know it's irational, the guilt was crippling, still is from time to time.

Wow, I could have typed that word for word... .I think you were with the male version of my ex! It took me a long time to let go of all of that guilt, well, I'm still working on it, but it will happen. The housework thing really burned me. She did less and less until it was nothing at all, except temper tantrums when I didn't throw a parade of happiness while doing it all.

Just remember the guilt is a misdirected emotion when it comes to them, because we have nothing to be guilty about. 
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« Reply #31 on: September 29, 2014, 12:37:57 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes, even with the red flags. The sudden and abrupt end, with little to no communication about it. The "I have to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, maybe never" and "sex means nothing to me". Well if she can't be in a relationship and she hates sex. Why is she sleeping with dude down the street while I sit on the sofa and watch her leave and come back the next morning? I know what you mean Bak86, I've never been treated this bad by anyone in my life. But hey, at least when I said, "I love you, I'm sorry for whatever I did to cause this". Multiple times she has said, "I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong". Thinking to myself, "What the effing fcuk does that mean you damn nut job"?
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« Reply #32 on: September 29, 2014, 01:29:23 PM »

That they absolutely dont care. Next please... .
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« Reply #33 on: September 29, 2014, 04:36:07 PM »

The affect it has had on my children (his step children).  I can see positive aspects of all my wounds as I can grow and heal but the hurt they have suffered from this break up and also just the ridiculous behaviour they saw throughout the r/s.  I feel terribly guilty for their wounds.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #34 on: September 29, 2014, 05:14:49 PM »

The affect it has had on my children (his step children).  I can see positive aspects of all my wounds as I can grow and heal but the hurt they have suffered from this break up and also just the ridiculous behaviour they saw throughout the r/s.  I feel terribly guilty for their wounds.

yes, mine too. They weren't allowed to even mention their mother without her reacting jealously and creating tension
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« Reply #35 on: September 29, 2014, 05:25:26 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes, even with the red flags. The sudden and abrupt end, with little to no communication about it. The "I have to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, maybe never" and "sex means nothing to me". Well if she can't be in a relationship and she hates sex. Why is she sleeping with dude down the street while I sit on the sofa and watch her leave and come back the next morning? I know what you mean Bak86, I've never been treated this bad by anyone in my life. But hey, at least when I said, "I love you, I'm sorry for whatever I did to cause this". Multiple times she has said, "I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong". Thinking to myself, "What the effing fcuk does that mean you damn nut job"?

Right you are. I took blame for everything. She would rage, my fault. She would hit me with the You better treat me special, or youll lose me speech, i would be on my best behavior. Strung along afraid to make waves. Thanked god i had a house to go back to!
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« Reply #36 on: September 29, 2014, 05:31:05 PM »

There's a long list. For me, the thing that hurt the most was his dishonesty. When things didn't add up, I'd ask him about it and I was fed another lie. (I'd sort of scratch my head thinking am I really seeing/experiencing this? I think I am but he says I'm not.) The realization that I'd been lied to, all for his personal gain, was so painful. As the months went by after the b/u, it all came into focus. That clarity hurt like heck.
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2014, 10:25:44 PM »

I feel like she just used me. I don`t know if she ever really loved me or if the whole relationship was about her getting her needs met. the push and pull. when she would get triggered how she turned into the devil.
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« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2014, 10:56:50 PM »

Most injurious part?

#1 for me is how incredibly confusing the relationship was. The tantrums, the no-win situations, and then the passionate romance and wedding planning. It boggles the mind, which is why 4 years later, though I'm pretty much over it, still makes me wonder what the heck happened and who she even is/was and if she even has any idea.

#2, also incredibly confusing, is how someone who once was so over the top in love with me, just moves on and I find out just how incredibly difficult it is to even have normal communication with this person.

#3 the time spent learning the lessons from a r/s with a pwBPD rather than enjoying life and a possible much healthier relationship... .I know I won't ever make a trip down Borderline Lane again (at least not the Waif).
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« Reply #39 on: September 30, 2014, 12:02:25 AM »

I feel like she just used me. I don`t know if she ever really loved me or if the whole relationship was about her getting her needs met. the push and pull. when she would get triggered how she turned into the devil.

AJR: this thought haunts me and wounds me the most, I think. I trusted him regardless of a VERY checkered past and 5 marriages: one woman he married twice. He had a history of conning women and stealing from women who trusted him. Why did I think I would be any different? All of my friends, colleagues, T's and family think he TOTALLY used me in every way: it's almost impossible to believe. But I think it's time for acceptance... .
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« Reply #40 on: September 30, 2014, 12:42:02 AM »

The gas lighting. Definately the gas lighting.  It is so subtle often times. Eventually they get everyone in on it and then your screwed
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« Reply #41 on: September 30, 2014, 02:13:46 AM »

Yeah, gaslighting for me too, which includes projecting. The blame was/is smothering. It's getting some better, but I feel I have PTSD from all this crap. Plus, I feel even though he isn't coming out and blaming, he still feels, and thinks it. It's like he's fed me such a steady diet of it, that MY brain now supplies it to me.

His anger and rages were awful too, and what obviously needed to stop the most for me to stay in this marriage, but I still feel his gaslighting, and blame did the most damage. I never really believed it, but I did spend a lot of time questioning myself, and I think I've taken on a couple of his BPD traits, which I'm now working on(I threaten to be done, which I hated how he did that to me for three years, the difference being, I really do partially want this, but I still need to stop doing it). So yeah, threats were hard to live with too, but I'd have to say gaslighting is the worst. It's cruel because you question your own reality.
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« Reply #42 on: September 30, 2014, 09:38:23 AM »

Gaslighting, hands down. I had never experienced anything like it before in my life and didnt know how to respond to it. Early in our 11 yr rs I would read her back a stream of texts, when she was in a more lucid moment, trying to explain what/where things went wrong. A fool's errand. I stopped doing that & put up with it over the years not knowing the progressive damage those episodes were having on me.   

Strange enough, before my recent NC, I resurrected the text-reading tactic to try to explain my intent, not her interpretation. This only made it worse & what I experienced then was the gaslighting equivalant to a fireworks show grand finale. My reaction was an angry uncontrolled rage that resulted in my screaming that I had enough & hung up. My reaction is embarassing, frankly, & the worst part is that she walks away believing I'M the crazy one. A quote I saw said "... The gaslighting behaviors of the (BPD) provide a recipe for the so-called 'nervous breakdown' for (the recipient)... .". Thats it. I recall sitting in my car in the winter listening to her gaslight rants & my window would steam from the heat/moisture my body gave off from the overwhelming anxiety I felt just sitting there. Sweating, deep breathing, shaking: Panic. Years of going through this weekly (more so near the end) has changed me... .Im a 51, a VP of a corporation, & I replay my behavior/reaction from our last encounter & think "Who is that guy?".  Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 
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« Reply #43 on: September 30, 2014, 09:44:48 AM »

The ups and downs? The devaluation? The verbal abuse/silent treatment? The quick departure/rebound? Cheating? (if it applies)

For my money it's the post breakup coldness/blame game...

Here I am dealing with the ego bruise of being dumped +  dealing with missing someone I loved very much who departed suddenly

Adding the shame/guilt associated with being told I caused all of it is just inhumane.  Like I don't have enough to worry about!  Mix in the coldness of being painted the darkest black and treated like I am a minor acquaintance in her life, rather then someone she spent the last 16 months with.

Finish it off with gaslighting where I am forced to question my own memory of events, my own sanity and it makes it very hard to cope with it all.

For a gaslighting example, my ex loved to spend money. Encouraged for me to take a promotion (strongly, told me I was crazy if I didn't and nagged about it for weeks)  I was leery about the promotion and didn't say yes right away. This ultimate started the chain reaction that was the demise of our relationship. When discussed now, she actually tells me she didn't want me to take this job, that I cared only about money and all that was important to her was our connection. WTH! One of us was seriously disassociating, and while my thinking mind knows it was her, my emotional being has doubts. CRUEL!

for me it's the loneliness
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« Reply #44 on: September 30, 2014, 10:04:40 AM »

Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 

My friends and family have said the same to me. It is reversible but a big part of us inevitably dies in a rs with a pwBPD. BPD = purgatory. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I am slowly coming back to my old/new self. Hang in there.
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« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2014, 10:41:00 AM »

Thats what my family said, "I want you back."

I spent ten years with my BPD wife - sacrificed myself, lost myself - There were great times and then her mother died and WHAMMO!
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« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2014, 10:46:14 AM »

Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

But I think sticking with NC can get me over those things.

I worry about the injury to my kids and how they will be affected down the

road, especially adulthood.

I will never get over love/hate. I have tried to read and understand, but I just don't

get it. It felt like love... .and it felt like hate. Sometimes only minutes apart.The hate

seems to get the better of it tho,maybe that tells me something. Idk.

I worry the next time  I hear the I love You words... .Ima either heading for the hills, or

I am going to fall head over hills.

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« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2014, 12:03:00 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.
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« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2014, 12:07:35 PM »

I ended up int the hospital for the night for anxiety -  I couldnt belive what was happening-it was a total shock.

My ex's response was " be a man you are pitiful!"

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« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2014, 01:03:01 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #50 on: September 30, 2014, 01:25:14 PM »

For me it has depended on the type of BPD I’ve dealt with.


My DxBPDw was the prototypical person with BPD.  Her BPD presented itself with rage, depression, addiction, splitting, verbal and emotional abuse, suicide attempts, twisted thinking and logic. 

The most damaging, longest lasting impacts were:

1.   Emotional unavailability – I shut down my emotions just to survive and stayed that way after she left.  I was not really aware of this until recently and now I am having to work to experience and accept my own emotions again.  My lack of emotional availability hurt my relationships with friends and my ex-gf, well after my ex-wife had moved out.

2.   Isolation - when things got bad with her, I began to isolate from friends and family, because I was ashamed to let them know of her crazy behavior or to let them see it.  I was very isolated for 5 years and now I find myself with minimal social life and having to rebuild friendships and find new ones. 

3.   Self-esteem – if you hear, day in and day out, that you are unlovable, incompetent, stupid, careless, insensitive, too sensitive, controlling, weak, unattractive, etc.  then you eventually begin to internalize some of it and believe it. 

I was relieved and happy when she left.  I was not shell shocked at the end of the relationship.  I am working on coming back from of all this however, two years after the divorce.


My UxBPDgf was what the literature refers to as a high-functioning or transparent BPD.  Honestly, it wasn’t until after the breakup of our two year relationship that I could look back at the behavior and see the red flags.

Because our relationship was so unlike the one with my ex-wife, I thought I had truly found my soul mate and that life going forward would be so much better.  Like so many of us here, the most damaging impacts came from her leaving me suddenly and with little explanation or closure. 

1.   Codependent behaviors - She moved on fast and is currently with the replacement.  That really hit my self-esteem for a while and triggered all sorts of codependent behaviors (controlling, fear of “not being good enough”, lavishing gifts on her to keep her engaged, obsessive thinking, etc.).

2.   Depression - The end of my dream of having a stable, intelligent, beautiful, talented equal partner and a loving mother for my three kids came to a screeching halt and I find myself a bit directionless.

3.   Walking on eggshells – while we rarely fought, I know that I would tend to her needs much more than my own.  I often pushed my needs and emotions aside in order to keep her happy, reinforcing my own deeper codependent traits.


I also need to say that I believe good things come from bad circumstances.  After the breakup with my UxBPDgf, I had to step back and ask myself:

“What led me to get into back-to-back, long term relationships with women with BPD?  What attracted me to them and how can I avoid these painful relationships in the future?”

Answer:  ME.

I have now gone back to therapy and I have joined a codependents support group.  I am educating myself about myself, dealing with long standing issues, and learning new ways to live.  I am committed to being healthier and having healthy relationships in the future.  I am getting better and my children have said they can already see a change in me.  I am also focusing on them, since they too have not escaped unscathed by living with their BPD mother for so many years.

The future is coming and it holds promise.

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« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2014, 01:28:03 PM »

I ended up int the hospital for the night for anxiety -  I couldnt belive what was happening-it was a total shock.

My ex's response was " be a man you are pitiful!"

We dated for two years.  Even when she abruptly left, she hadn't painted me black completely.  But the moment I pleaded with her to stay and work on the relationship, she painted me black, seeing me as weak, pitiful, dysfunctional.

I am sorry you ended up in the hospital walksoftly.  I am sorry that in your pain she was so empty of empathy and so emotionally abusive.
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« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2014, 01:30:14 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I think real intimacy and genuine love (as opposed to feeling "in love" is what they cannot cope with.  If you are too close, they feel engulfed and (from what I understand) they feel like they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel controlled.  Then comes the push-pull or the downright abandonment.
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« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2014, 01:36:48 PM »

That was one of the last things she through at me as I begged her to take me back... .Your not over your ex! She knew what mine had done. Jeez... .She's the one who stalked her ex on FB, Instagram and Vine during our year and 1/2 relationship. Not me. I only had to deal with my ex when I dropped the kids off. They are so devious placing the blame... .
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« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2014, 01:44:13 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I think real intimacy and genuine love (as opposed to feeling "in love" is what they cannot cope with.  If you are too close, they feel engulfed and (from what I understand) they feel like they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel controlled.  Then comes the push-pull or the downright abandonment.

I believe this as well. It was getting too serious for her. Push/pull began, i didn't back off, so she ended it.

After our breakup when i asked for closure, she told me she simply never reached the "love" stage. She just had fun, but that was it. Complete bull___.
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« Reply #55 on: September 30, 2014, 01:46:12 PM »



Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

But I think sticking with NC can get me over those things.

I worry about the injury to my kids and how they will be affected down the

road, especially adulthood.

I will never get over love/hate. I have tried to read and understand, but I just don't

get it. It felt like love... .and it felt like hate. Sometimes only minutes apart.The hate

seems to get the better of it tho,maybe that tells me something. Idk.

I worry the next time  I hear the I love You words from another woman... .Ima either heading for the hills, or

I am going to fall head over hills.

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« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2014, 01:47:52 PM »

Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

sorry for multiple posts... .accident
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« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2014, 02:38:21 PM »

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Always asked about my ex, wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to say this isn't good to talk about (she'd get mad and withdraw- what kind of relationship do we have if you have secrets)

Then when I did talk about it she'd get mad anyway, and use it against me later

One of many frequent no win situations
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« Reply #58 on: September 30, 2014, 06:53:36 PM »

Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 

My friends and family have said the same to me. It is reversible but a big part of us inevitably dies in a rs with a pwBPD. BPD = purgatory. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I am slowly coming back to my old/new self. Hang in there.

I don't think I will ever be the same.
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« Reply #59 on: September 30, 2014, 07:18:58 PM »

Splitting of course. Gaslighting she a master at it after 62 years.  

The worst is the part were she wants you back and you fall for it listening to how badly she needs you , the tears, what you mean to her, and we are meant to be together for life.  They love that life thing.  That keeps you  a bit frozen in your tracks and when things don't go good they might call or text if unblocked, then if you even mentioned any bad behavior, and asked them why reacted that way , or what could we do differently they will torch you, and then starts the whole thing again.  They will not admit blame unless they need to control you down the road.  In someways I think they always remember you but trust me, its always your fault,  100%, you let them down, and some days you buy into it saying if I only practice SET a bit better.  Everything on you to SAVE!  NO WAY!

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« Reply #60 on: September 30, 2014, 07:32:22 PM »

I wish she would ask to get back with me. Im lost with out my BPDgf and her kids. I dont think she even remembers me. She moved on day after dumping me. Almost 4 weeks now, NC for 5 day's.  I have zero hope left. Really wonder why all this happened and how they just move on without a care.
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« Reply #61 on: September 30, 2014, 07:36:23 PM »

Really wonder why all this happened and how they just move on without a care.

Because they can't love people the way you and I love people. When they get too close to someone the freak out, go ape$hit and can't handle being vulnerable, even if it's to someone that truly cares about them... .
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« Reply #62 on: September 30, 2014, 08:06:26 PM »

Yeah, then get blamed for not caring or loving them.
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« Reply #63 on: September 30, 2014, 08:10:29 PM »

I could deal with the mood swings.  I learned to accept aversion to touch and sex.  The part that left a hole in my soul was the way she walked away from me.  I felt like I had sacruficed and learned to accept so much from her.  In the end her way of repaying that level of commitment and devotion was to give me two weeks of silent treatment, quit eating for two weeks and then finally tell me she hated me and everything about me.  That shook me up.  I poured my entire being into that unfortunate ill girl.  

My damage will heal.  It has much already.  Sadly she will just do this all over again with the new guy.
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« Reply #64 on: September 30, 2014, 08:13:34 PM »

She picked my scabs and rubbed vinegar all over my wounds even ones that I didn't know I had. Shaming, blaming, abandoning, controlling, withholding, denying, lying, manipulating, abusing, namecalling, object throwing, degrading... .

I paid my dues in full to the opposite sex for whatever karmic debt my male ancestors have passed down to me. I have done my time. I think my rs has served as a sort of emotional weakness immunisation. I  feel that there is little that can hurt me in the next relatioship. And I am ready to walk away if I have to.  No deal is a form of a deal nowdays. I am wearing bearskin.

Freedom, very well stated. I feel as you do.
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« Reply #65 on: September 30, 2014, 08:30:25 PM »

Sadly she will just do this all over again with the new guy.

Yes RS, it's the saddest part of this whole thing. Watching someone you care about not care about themselves. Well at least not in a healthy and respectful way. A while back I wanted to call the new supply and tell him what he was in for. Let him know that when this and that happens, just call me and I'll tell you what's going to happen next, hahaha. We should make a website that lists BPDs . Kind of like the anti-dating site with profiles and pictures of BPDs by name, city, and state. I only say that because I really kind of feel sorry for the replacements. Remember, at one point we were the replacements. Now look at us, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .
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« Reply #66 on: September 30, 2014, 08:41:07 PM »

I shouldn't be doing this I guess bring up awful stuff.  They twist the truth and blame you like or make you out to be some kinda of ego maniac like, "I forgot you are so in love with yourself, and want me to behave as you want me to!

Oh I shouldn't let that get to me, but I do and I think the reason is because I want to know it not because I want to be back in some stupid way which is crazy.  They want to drag you in and they will not read or listen to your retorts.  They are far above that.  It like pulling the wings off a butterfly, they enjoy it.  I let them. 

WE should just ignore them, it's well thought out retorts they read in self help book.
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« Reply #67 on: September 30, 2014, 08:55:29 PM »

I pray god she doesnt contact me ever again. Wouldnt be able to handle it... .
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« Reply #68 on: September 30, 2014, 09:08:42 PM »

for me it's losing yourself in someone who is completely lost... .so losing yourself and then getting tossed.
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« Reply #69 on: October 01, 2014, 03:56:54 AM »

Watching someone you care about not care about themselves. Well at least not in a healthy and respectful way.

My friends could have said and did say that about me too when I was in a rs with her. Not caring about myself and caring more about her.

Maybe that's why BPD/NPD rs works somehow. At least one person - the NPD - cares only about themselves. There is at least a really strong self (albeit false of the NPD) that can hold it all together.
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« Reply #70 on: October 01, 2014, 09:39:39 AM »

For my own issues that I need to work on, the Silent Treatment and the abandonment (his rapture?) have been the most injurious.  However, looking back, what I ruminate about over and over again is, "HOW DID I MISS THIS?"  I continue to beat myself up.  I learned he was a pwBPD; I knew about his past; the relationship was tumultuous and unhealthy for me.  Yet, HE was the one who ended it (I think, but I don't know because he just disappeared and went ST). Anyway, over and over again in my mind, I remember his near "worship" of me--he could not be without me--he would go on long distance car rides just to be close to me--he asked my opinion on everything; we talked about everything; we were together nearly every waking moment--if not physically together; we were on text or talk.  HE WAS MY SHADOW.  So while I read so many threads where everybody misses the sex or the idealization or... .I JUST MISS HIM (or is it the function of a security blanket I clung to until I was 8 years old when it was accidentally thrown away)? I am grieving the loss of my shadow.
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« Reply #71 on: October 01, 2014, 10:40:41 AM »

For my own issues that I need to work on, the Silent Treatment and the abandonment (his rapture?) have been the most injurious.  However, looking back, what I ruminate about over and over again is, "HOW DID I MISS THIS?"  I continue to beat myself up.  I learned he was a pwBPD; I knew about his past; the relationship was tumultuous and unhealthy for me.  Yet, HE was the one who ended it (I think, but I don't know because he just disappeared and went ST). Anyway, over and over again in my mind, I remember his near "worship" of me--he could not be without me--he would go on long distance car rides just to be close to me--he asked my opinion on everything; we talked about everything; we were together nearly every waking moment--if not physically together; we were on text or talk.  HE WAS MY SHADOW.  So while I read so many threads where everybody misses the sex or the idealization or... .I JUST MISS HIM (or is it the function of a security blanket I clung to until I was 8 years old when it was accidentally thrown away)? I am grieving the loss of my shadow.

Oh Loveofhislife!  I understand your grief.  I have been there.

My UxBPDgf and I were in a long distance relationship for 2 years.  We travelled back and forth regularly, but it was not like living in the same city.  But we were constantly in touch.  Text messaging, phone calls, social media began first thing in the morning and continued until bed time.  I checked my bills and we were sending about 600 messages back and forth, every day for nearly two years!  We called each other on our rides to and from work.  We had ongoing discussion on social media about our different posts.  We may not have been in the same place geographically, but we were constantly "together".

Like you, I do not miss the sex (although when we were together it was great and constant).  I do not miss the idealization.  I miss my companion, my friend, my lover, my partner.  I miss constantly communicating with her about anything and everything.  Her sudden and confusing departure really left a huge gap in my day-to-day, hour-to-hour life.

She is gone now and with someone else and I have come to accept that we will never again have what had back then.  I too am grieving her "ghost".  It has gotten better over the last couple of months, but there are still moments during the day when I wish I could reach out to her and just share.
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« Reply #72 on: October 01, 2014, 12:19:36 PM »

Loveofhislife, Im probably one of those that have stated I miss the sex and idealization of her. But like you and Nomad1027 state, I did miss HER! Imagine 11 years of starting off the day talking, calling each other throughout the day, whatever we were doing, if it was a free moment, we called each other, and texting continually in between.  My strength at the moment is based on clearing the fog on just what those constant calls turned into; opportunities for her to find jealousy in & accuse me for nearly everything I did, to tell me how worthless my wife is (I swear, 50-75% of our 'air time' consisted of this), gaslighting, displaying her hypocritical perspective as to what she can state/discuss w/me & how I cant ever have the same type of discussion, & then my expressing ANY sort of feelings was always responded to with an attack. 

So what Im left with is missing what I thought she really was to me; The most perfect woman in every way... and the amazing sex. So try stepping back & recall what those daily contact points eventually became. If they were like mine, that would help removing one important part of the painful process of breaking free.  Good luck and stay strong, I have been there very recently, & since this is a rollercoaster ride, I could be there again. These forums & constant research have helped...  
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« Reply #73 on: October 01, 2014, 12:35:38 PM »

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