Sick of watching her suck my money up and blow it while I struggle

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted much about myself in a while.  I actually come on here less because it feels like staying on here too much keeps me from moving on in healthy ways, keeps me stuck thinking about my ex and BPD too much.

However, I covet your prayers and support as one particular thing keeps coming up: finances.  My ex gets child and spousal support from me.  I am blessed in that I got to keep the house from our divorce and I have a good job and running car.  However, I am in a bit of a financial hole (debt) and when there is an emergency of some sort (this time, a torn tire and other needed car repairs), I'm at a loss because I have NO savings whatsoever.  That is just life, but I have a hard time not hating my ex when I see that she is able to buy hundreds and hundreds of dollars for clothes for herself and our daughter.  It's like we're still married... .I do all the work, all the providing, and she gets to spend the money and screw other guys.  The other guys... .she can have em.  But when it comes to the providing, that is tough.

I hate her because it is unjust.  It is wrong.  I asked her to lessen things so that we wouldn't have to go to court, and I was scolded for being "selfish" because she's "trying to get back on her feet" (meanwhile, she buys herself a dog, a new truck, and hundreds to thousands of dollars in new clothes while talking about how much weight she has lost.  It would be easier to just swallow it all if I felt there was nothing I could do.  But what keeps me so hateful and bitter is the feeling that I *could* do something about it.  I don't know how.  I would have to spend even more money that I don't have to take her to court and try to change our situation... .and who knows if that would even do anything.  She would play the victim card to the judge, etc. etc. etc.  I'm just sick of watching her suck my money up and blow it while I struggle.

[enlighten me]

Hi OOE

I too can relate to this injustice. My ex wife took everything and I was left living in a tent for a month until I could afford to rent. I bent over backwards so my sons didn't suffer and she used this to squeeze more and more from me. She has remarried now. A partner in a tax consultancy who earns a hell of a lot more than me. She drives around in new cars and goes on holiday and to shows and events living the high life.

Unfortunately I got involved with another uBPD and we were together for 2 1/2 years. We have a son and she took me to the point of bankruptcy before I left her. I allowed her and the children to stay in my house, paid all the bills, cleared her credit cards and paid the deposit and first months rent on her house (just so she would move out). She has now asked to take my cooker and sofa even though I gave her £1500 to fit out he new place. I am paying 2 lots of child maintenance and will probably be made redundant in the next month but I don't matter as long as they are ok that's all that concerns them.

[OutOfEgypt]

Enlighten me... .that sucks.  I'm sorry.  I guess that is the way it goes in some sense.  As my pastor says, "It is the price of freedom."  I realize that a lot of my aggression about it is self-aggression -picking on myself for being a "wimp" and letting her "get away" with it.  In truth, we are far from wimps, and I need to cut myself a huge break.  I broke away from an extremely toxic person, and I did so in a way that was fairly quick and with minimal drama (at the end) for my children.  I hate the cost of that.  I hate it.  But would taking her to court really do anything productive?  Probably not.  Might I win?  Sure, but who knows what she might do to prevent me from winning -this person has no conscience when it comes right down to it.  They will do whatever they can to keep things going the way they think things ought to go.

[enlighten me]

Even though my friends say Im a mug for being so generous I don't see it as that. I also don't see myself as being a wimp or a soft touch. I see it as doing the right thing. I can hold my head up high and say I did not abandon them. I could have kicked my exgf out onto the street with 3 children in tow but I never. No matter what she says or does I have no room for doubt that I have done more than was needed to make her and her childrens move better than it would have been.

With my ex wife she took me to one side a few months back and said that she had done a lot of thinking lately and wanted to thank me for everything that I had done. She now realised that I had done so much for her that she hadn't appreciated.

At the end of the day money isn't everything and if your willing to make sacrifices you can recoup it. What money cant buy is your moral compass.

[Mutt]

At the end of the day money isn't everything and if your willing to make sacrifices you can recoup it. What money cant buy is your moral compass.

It's my exe's narcissism. Her needs above all others. I had to declare bankruptcy to keep my head above water for the kids. I agree at the end of the day it's not about money. I'll rebuild but it will take time.

As my pastor says, "It is the price of freedom."  

Sounds like you have a good pastor. I'm sorry this happened OutofEgypt. It sounds like we're all in the same boat. I thought I'm not wasting money fighting her in court because it may cost more money in the long run, money that the kids can use. I can say I walked away holding my head high with my integrity and values and she can't take that away.