Just A Rant. I Am So Tired

[maryy16]

I am tired of "diffusing the situation".  I am tired of " validating". I am tired of being berated, put down, screamed at, made fun of, being the "cause " of his anger, all while being expected to sit there, take it, and not fight back or stand up for myself.  If I react AT ALL, whether it be positive or negative,  then I am accused of "pushing his buttons" and am to blame for his anger.  

If I would just sit there, take all his crap, then quietly leave the room, and leave him alone for a few hours then life would be perfect for us, as a couple, and we would have no problems, ACCORDING TO HIM.  I am to have no feelings, no reactions, and no resentment.  If I do, then I have a "problem" and I need to "get help" for my problems.

I hate BPD right now.  I have been deling with this for 30 years and while things are a bit better with his medication and my using the tools found on this page, I cannot say that overall much has changed at all.  He refuses to get help.  

I feel he must be NPD also since he feels he can "express" his feelings in whatever manner he wants to, hurting everyone in his path, judging everyone, and believing he is judge, jurior, and executioner to everyone else on earth.

Sorry for the rant but it has been a hard two days... .and we are on "vacation".  Unfortunately, BPD never takes  a vacation.

[Timmerie]

I understand completely. My situation is the same. This is NOT the relationship I wanted, nor is it the one I want my children to see as an example. It is very one-sided and I am living a lie just to avoid the threats of suicide (and another traumatic event of him attempting suicide in front of the children). I hate BPD, too. It is so hard to find compassion when someone is breaking your spirit. Going on 12 years now... .and you've been doing this for over 30? My heart goes out to you.

I hope you can still find a way to take a vacation from this!

Hugs to you.

Timmerie

[Treece]

I so know how you feel. This describes exactly what I am facing. It could have been written by me.

I have read all the information think I understand and try really hard not to react but even  if I avoid or defuse all the time it seems that my oH will still find something to be triggered by and then its the same thing. Yes if I could find a way to just let him rage and rant call me names and tell me its all my fault, that I have problems etc etc and agree with everything he says we might get through it but I am beginning to think its hopeless I cant live like this in the hope of having a few normal days every now and then.

I feel like his carer most of the time and do what I can to avoid trouble and support him but I find myself asking what is in this relationship for me ?

I hope you find a way through it

Take care

[maryy16]

Thanks so much everyone.  I know we all feel the same way.  Like Timmerir said, just so one sided.  I truly feel like I have developed PTSD as I feel like I constantly have my guard up and second guess everything I do because I don't want to "do something wrong" and have to hear about it from him.  And that carries over to my relationships with other people... .I feel that they're probably judging me, making fun of me, or want to berate me because of something "stupid" i did.  I didn't use to be like this.

Good luck to all of us.

[ugghh]

You are not alone in your struggles.  This is pretty typical behavior for BPD.

Why do you feel yo have to stay?

[Shattered1920]

I know how this feels and it's comforting not yo be the only one.

[maryy16]

The reason I stay is because my H is a decent, giving, kind man when he is in a "normal" state.  He has a complete Jekyll and Hyde personality.  The good person could not even think of being mean, and the mean person cannot be nice.  I guess I just keep hoping that one day the nice person will override the mean person.