More about my experience - interested in anyone's thoughts...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm researching domestic abuse resources today... .  Also, Randi from BPD Central asked me to share my experience with her because she is trying to write something about religious people and their dealings with this stuff... .

I want to share what I wrote to her because I think I included more details in it... .I am interested in anybody's specific thoughts... ..As you know I'm trying to SEE CLEARLY and I acknowledge I need help doing so.  I want honest, objectivity very much!


=====================

Randi,

I'm sure it's hard for me to put my experience into words, because I am still somewhat "hypnotized" by this situation currently.  I have a hard time even realizing it is abuse, but down deep I think it is... .(duh?)  I feel like I am in the fight of my life... .a fight for my LIFE.  I not only have outside Christians counselling me to stay, but also my inner understanding of being a true Christian, dying to self, loving sacrificially keeps me somewhat wrestling against the idea that it would be ok for me to just call this abuse and choose to leave.  (Add to that possibly codependency issues... .and it's not a pretty picture... . )... .

Thank you for your time!

- Sandra



I was swept off my feet by my current husband while we were both married to other people.  From the beginning, I went against my better judgment to be with him.  I ignored multiple red flags (he was loud, boisterous, and liked to brag about himself, his accomplishments and even his past illegal activity).  He was very flamboyant, passionate, seemed to have an interest in God and seemed to be way more interested in me than anyone ever had.  He stole my heart like a rug right out from underneath my feet.  I understand now that is called the "idealization" phase of what happens in a relationship with someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

We fell madly in love with each other very quickly, and threw caution to the wind in every possible way.  As I mentioned, we were both married.  Our thoughts quickly turned more serious, and we talked about joining together permanently, which would require both of us to divorce, which we both set into motion. His interest in pursuing God together was the most important thing to me, and had been lacking in my current marriage. 

About a year into the relationship, a "switch flipped" and his negative, critical, angry side, that I had seen often, but always toward other people, would sometimes aim itself at ME!  Prior to this, I just "knew" he would "never" feel like that, speak like that, or act like that toward ME!  How wrong I was. 

There were times he'd get very angry at something I said or did, and shout at me harshly.  I would explain myself to no avail.  Sometimes he would hang up on me and not answer my calls.  I had never experienced this harshness from anyone before, so it was shocking, horrifying, and very devastating, especially coming from my "soul mate" who I wanted to be with forever!  I would desperately chase him down and try to explain myself, that I hadn't meant things the way he had interpreted them, etc... .  I didn't understand when I was trying with everything in me to please him, how I could have offended him so badly.  This happened regularly.  Sometimes it would turn into the "silent treatment" where he would turn away from me and go to sleep.  I couldn't touch him during these times.  He would pull away and say, "Leave me alone".  If I laid my body too close he would tell me to back away.  This emotional wall and physical distance felt like a humongous abyss in my soul.  It was very very hard to handle because I had let him alone into the deepest parts of myself and now he was rejecting me at the deepest levels of my being.  (He still "shuts me off" frequently nowadays by saying, "leave me alone" or "get away from me". Sometimes he will start a heated discussion and as soon as I start to address it he'll say, "I don't want to talk about this." 

Nevertheless, we both divorced, planned to be married, hit a rough spot, separated for a few months and then "recycled" (got back together).  We still purposed to be together forever.  I kept ignoring  s and catches in my spirit along the way.  We got married.  Dealing with things that happened in each of our lives during our separation put a great strain on us.  My reaction was to hide details and lie about some parts of the situation, which in turn caused him to express more anger toward me. 

This anger manifested in numerous ways.  In the stress we were under, his desire for God turned into a focus on us instead.  Anything I did toward God like read the Bible or listen to worship music became something he would call me a hypocrite for.  He spent hours asking about every single gory detail about my past relationships and making me feel dirty and ashamed about them.  This took place over and over and over again for the first 6 months of our marriage... .He took my keys and my phone a few times, and left as if he was leaving for good with my means of transportation and communication... .He later sold my car (because I had been in it with another man).  He threw away my bathroom scale because it was from my previous marriage/home.  I didn't know until I was looking for it one day and it wasn't there.  He does not want ANYTHING in our home from any other place in my life. To this day, if there is any item he sees that he can't account for, he asks where it came from.  I have had to get rid of almost everything that had anything to do with any other time in my life.  My camera from when my kids were younger still being in a drawer almost caused him to leave for good one time.  I left a gym membership.  I left a music group.  I had to write off my one close girlfriend because it was her fault I moved to the last place I lived during the time we separated.  I only really have contact with my parents anymore.  I have been asked so many questions about what I do that I don't really do much of anything anymore.  Everything has a "stressed" or "tense" edge to it that just doesn't go away.  In the early part of our marriage, when he was "raging" or having an angry spell, if I would chase after him, he would push me away firmly.  One time his hand pushed my face which jerked my head to the side and made me bite my lip... .He would order me around, "Go back to bed!", "Get in the house!", etc... .  One time I followed him into the kitchen and he threw a knife across the kitchen at me... .I backed out of the room, then peeked my head back in (STUPID I KNOW)... I was incredulous, in denial of what had just happened and unwisely shouted, "So you're gonna throw knives at me now?"  He threw two more, just missing me.  I took pictures of the hole in the wall beyond where I was standing.  He says he only threw them onto the floor, that they were nowhere near me, and that he was just wanting to get me away from him.  I took off for a week.  We talked on the phone, communicated well, I expressed that I will not be treated this way anymore, he wept and sincerely convinced me he was ready to let everything go and move forward and things would be different.  I returned.

That was about 6 months ago.  He has let some things go... .He no longer haunts me with the details of my past indiscretions.  When he is angry, he usually includes some of my past bad choices in the argument, but at least they are generalized for the most part now... .He has started to try to go to church again and pray at meal times... .I have learned to manage much of the situation so that his raging is less, recovery times are shorter, etc... .I have given up on having any needs, thoughts, concerns of my own.  One time, when I had to explain buying my kids a drink from McDonald's I explained that I had thought of it (so he wouldn't think the kids had manipulated me into getting them McDonald's... .His response was, "Then STOP thinking!".  That resonated in my spirit as a very profound statement.  He is ok some days, and some days he is stressed.  When he is stressed, he is grumpy.  When he is grumpy, he is insulting.  Overall, I feel like there is much about me he doesn't like on his bad days.  He often makes short critical statements about some fault he sees in me.  These comments still pierce my heart like a dagger. 

I am quiet a lot more, stop pursuing him when he is angry, stop asking him any questions (because any question tends to come across as an insecurity [70 % of the time], and exacts a harsh, short response).  I have tried to simply accept things and start trying to do things on my own again.  The problem is... .although I am dealing with the situation on the outside, I can't get my inside to follow suit.  Somewhere inside I am abused, hurt, broken, what feels like beyond repair. I notice I don't smile much anymore.  When I laugh deeply with my kids on a rare occasion if feels foreign and good.  All I can really feel joyful/hopeful about is thoughts of being in my own little place, with my own little car, job, ministry somewhere away from here.  This saddens me because I look at this man, especially when he is being kind, compassionate, affectionate and loving and I love him.  But he has hurt me - he has hurt me bad.  And he continues to hurt me.  He is still quick to point out thing I do wrong, and his suggestions for how to do things right.  He holds me accountable for everyone in the house pretty much so when they mess up, I get a lecture or an instruction - even a few strong words does the trick. There is usually something going on that he is unhappy with.  His demeanor with me is serious, straight-faced, always it seems on the verge of upset or unhappy... .Whereas with others it is sometimes sickly sweet.  This has created an even more exaggerated version of the insecurity problem I have naturally.  It is a big ugly cycle.

I'm trying to learn how to be a stronger, healthier person, to see if I can get to a place where I can feel like this stuff is not killing me slowly here.  I have had physical reactions to the "dark cloud" I call this negative atmosphere, such as stomach aches, chest tightness and heart racing and palpitations, recently a general feeling of stress and agitation that I just can't shake... .and sometimes I'll wake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for hours... .I do understand stress kills and that people have developed chronic diseases from situations like this.  I understand I can't take this lightly.  I am doing all I can think of to press forward in educating myself, growing myself and determining/discerning what best next steps to take... .

===================

I did not tell the Pastor I went to any of these details... .just probably tried to boil it down into a nutshell explanation... .That might have made it easy for him to give me a textbook answer... .A few days after that counselling session, I can logically say I HAVE BEEN trying for the last year to do what he prescribed for me to do... .die to self, love like Christ, etc... .and I understand that has not accomplished much.  Some, slow progress yes... .But big issues still remain... .like a lack of real LOVE or EMPATHY or CARE or UNDERSTANDING at all from my husband?  Does this seem like a true assessment?  I'm honestly asking because I don't see clearly.

I figure my two options are 1.) somehow magically change my insides to simply stop being stressed by the dark cloud and the buildup of abuse and negativity and insults and head games... .and magically become able to put up with all these things on a regular basis... .or 2.) really grasp that this has been abusive from the start and get out while I still have some health left... .and get to a place where I can get REALLY healthy and pursue things that BUILD on that... .good, positive, uplifting, encouraging, light, life, hope, joy, peace... .These are the things I long for.

Help? 

[thereishope]

I'm researching domestic abuse resources today... .  Also, Randi from BPD Central asked me to share my experience with her because she is trying to write something about religious people and their dealings with this stuff... .

I want to share what I wrote to her because I think I included more details in it... .I am interested in anybody's specific thoughts... ..As you know I'm trying to SEE CLEARLY and I acknowledge I need help doing so.  I want honest, objectivity very much!


=====================

Randi,

I'm sure it's hard for me to put my experience into words, because I am still somewhat "hypnotized" by this situation currently.  I have a hard time even realizing it is abuse, but down deep I think it is... .(duh?)  I feel like I am in the fight of my life... .a fight for my LIFE.  I not only have outside Christians counselling me to stay, but also my inner understanding of being a true Christian, dying to self, loving sacrificially keeps me somewhat wrestling against the idea that it would be ok for me to just call this abuse and choose to leave.  (Add to that possibly codependency issues... .and it's not a pretty picture... . )... .

Thank you for your time!

- Sandra



I was swept off my feet by my current husband while we were both married to other people.  From the beginning, I went against my better judgment to be with him.  I ignored multiple red flags (he was loud, boisterous, and liked to brag about himself, his accomplishments and even his past illegal activity).  He was very flamboyant, passionate, seemed to have an interest in God and seemed to be way more interested in me than anyone ever had.  He stole my heart like a rug right out from underneath my feet.  I understand now that is called the "idealization" phase of what happens in a relationship with someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

We fell madly in love with each other very quickly, and threw caution to the wind in every possible way.  As I mentioned, we were both married.  Our thoughts quickly turned more serious, and we talked about joining together permanently, which would require both of us to divorce, which we both set into motion. His interest in pursuing God together was the most important thing to me, and had been lacking in my current marriage. 

About a year into the relationship, a "switch flipped" and his negative, critical, angry side, that I had seen often, but always toward other people, would sometimes aim itself at ME!  Prior to this, I just "knew" he would "never" feel like that, speak like that, or act like that toward ME!  How wrong I was. 

There were times he'd get very angry at something I said or did, and shout at me harshly.  I would explain myself to no avail.  Sometimes he would hang up on me and not answer my calls.  I had never experienced this harshness from anyone before, so it was shocking, horrifying, and very devastating, especially coming from my "soul mate" who I wanted to be with forever!  I would desperately chase him down and try to explain myself, that I hadn't meant things the way he had interpreted them, etc... .  I didn't understand when I was trying with everything in me to please him, how I could have offended him so badly.  This happened regularly.  Sometimes it would turn into the "silent treatment" where he would turn away from me and go to sleep.  I couldn't touch him during these times.  He would pull away and say, "Leave me alone".  If I laid my body too close he would tell me to back away.  This emotional wall and physical distance felt like a humongous abyss in my soul.  It was very very hard to handle because I had let him alone into the deepest parts of myself and now he was rejecting me at the deepest levels of my being.  (He still "shuts me off" frequently nowadays by saying, "leave me alone" or "get away from me". Sometimes he will start a heated discussion and as soon as I start to address it he'll say, "I don't want to talk about this." 

Nevertheless, we both divorced, planned to be married, hit a rough spot, separated for a few months and then "recycled" (got back together).  We still purposed to be together forever.  I kept ignoring  s and catches in my spirit along the way.  We got married.  Dealing with things that happened in each of our lives during our separation put a great strain on us.  My reaction was to hide details and lie about some parts of the situation, which in turn caused him to express more anger toward me. 

This anger manifested in numerous ways.  In the stress we were under, his desire for God turned into a focus on us instead.  Anything I did toward God like read the Bible or listen to worship music became something he would call me a hypocrite for.  He spent hours asking about every single gory detail about my past relationships and making me feel dirty and ashamed about them.  This took place over and over and over again for the first 6 months of our marriage... .He took my keys and my phone a few times, and left as if he was leaving for good with my means of transportation and communication... .He later sold my car (because I had been in it with another man).  He threw away my bathroom scale because it was from my previous marriage/home.  I didn't know until I was looking for it one day and it wasn't there.  He does not want ANYTHING in our home from any other place in my life. To this day, if there is any item he sees that he can't account for, he asks where it came from.  I have had to get rid of almost everything that had anything to do with any other time in my life.  My camera from when my kids were younger still being in a drawer almost caused him to leave for good one time.  I left a gym membership.  I left a music group.  I had to write off my one close girlfriend because it was her fault I moved to the last place I lived during the time we separated.  I only really have contact with my parents anymore.  I have been asked so many questions about what I do that I don't really do much of anything anymore.  Everything has a "stressed" or "tense" edge to it that just doesn't go away.  In the early part of our marriage, when he was "raging" or having an angry spell, if I would chase after him, he would push me away firmly.  One time his hand pushed my face which jerked my head to the side and made me bite my lip... .He would order me around, "Go back to bed!", "Get in the house!", etc... .  One time I followed him into the kitchen and he threw a knife across the kitchen at me... .I backed out of the room, then peeked my head back in (STUPID I KNOW)... I was incredulous, in denial of what had just happened and unwisely shouted, "So you're gonna throw knives at me now?"  He threw two more, just missing me.  I took pictures of the hole in the wall beyond where I was standing.  He says he only threw them onto the floor, that they were nowhere near me, and that he was just wanting to get me away from him.  I took off for a week.  We talked on the phone, communicated well, I expressed that I will not be treated this way anymore, he wept and sincerely convinced me he was ready to let everything go and move forward and things would be different.  I returned.

That was about 6 months ago.  He has let some things go... .He no longer haunts me with the details of my past indiscretions.  When he is angry, he usually includes some of my past bad choices in the argument, but at least they are generalized for the most part now... .He has started to try to go to church again and pray at meal times... .I have learned to manage much of the situation so that his raging is less, recovery times are shorter, etc... .I have given up on having any needs, thoughts, concerns of my own.  One time, when I had to explain buying my kids a drink from McDonald's I explained that I had thought of it (so he wouldn't think the kids had manipulated me into getting them McDonald's... .His response was, "Then STOP thinking!".  That resonated in my spirit as a very profound statement.  He is ok some days, and some days he is stressed.  When he is stressed, he is grumpy.  When he is grumpy, he is insulting.  Overall, I feel like there is much about me he doesn't like on his bad days.  He often makes short critical statements about some fault he sees in me.  These comments still pierce my heart like a dagger. 

I am quiet a lot more, stop pursuing him when he is angry, stop asking him any questions (because any question tends to come across as an insecurity [70 % of the time], and exacts a harsh, short response).  I have tried to simply accept things and start trying to do things on my own again.  The problem is... .although I am dealing with the situation on the outside, I can't get my inside to follow suit.  Somewhere inside I am abused, hurt, broken, what feels like beyond repair. I notice I don't smile much anymore.  When I laugh deeply with my kids on a rare occasion if feels foreign and good.  All I can really feel joyful/hopeful about is thoughts of being in my own little place, with my own little car, job, ministry somewhere away from here.  This saddens me because I look at this man, especially when he is being kind, compassionate, affectionate and loving and I love him.  But he has hurt me - he has hurt me bad.  And he continues to hurt me.  He is still quick to point out thing I do wrong, and his suggestions for how to do things right.  He holds me accountable for everyone in the house pretty much so when they mess up, I get a lecture or an instruction - even a few strong words does the trick. There is usually something going on that he is unhappy with.  His demeanor with me is serious, straight-faced, always it seems on the verge of upset or unhappy... .Whereas with others it is sometimes sickly sweet.  This has created an even more exaggerated version of the insecurity problem I have naturally.  It is a big ugly cycle.

I'm trying to learn how to be a stronger, healthier person, to see if I can get to a place where I can feel like this stuff is not killing me slowly here.  I have had physical reactions to the "dark cloud" I call this negative atmosphere, such as stomach aches, chest tightness and heart racing and palpitations, recently a general feeling of stress and agitation that I just can't shake... .and sometimes I'll wake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for hours... .I do understand stress kills and that people have developed chronic diseases from situations like this.  I understand I can't take this lightly.  I am doing all I can think of to press forward in educating myself, growing myself and determining/discerning what best next steps to take... .

===================

I did not tell the Pastor I went to any of these details... .just probably tried to boil it down into a nutshell explanation... .That might have made it easy for him to give me a textbook answer... .A few days after that counselling session, I can logically say I HAVE BEEN trying for the last year to do what he prescribed for me to do... .die to self, love like Christ, etc... .and I understand that has not accomplished much.  Some, slow progress yes... .But big issues still remain... .like a lack of real LOVE or EMPATHY or CARE or UNDERSTANDING at all from my husband?  Does this seem like a true assessment?  I'm honestly asking because I don't see clearly.

I figure my two options are 1.) somehow magically change my insides to simply stop being stressed by the dark cloud and the buildup of abuse and negativity and insults and head games... .and magically become able to put up with all these things on a regular basis... .or 2.) really grasp that this has been abusive from the start and get out while I still have some health left... .and get to a place where I can get REALLY healthy and pursue things that BUILD on that... .good, positive, uplifting, encouraging, light, life, hope, joy, peace... .These are the things I long for.

Help? 

[vortex of confusion]

 

As I read your story, two things came to mind. First, I still think you are trying to normalize some of this stuff. I have done that for years and it is so difficult to face the realization of how bad things really are. Second, a true Christian marriage requires both partners to be subject to each other. Not sure if I am saying that right but I have done a lot of reading about Christian marriages and family life. A husband is supposed to care for his wife. I forget where I read it but a husband and wife are supposed to care for each other and protect each other. A lot of pastors and male figures seem to overlook the responsibilities of the male in a Christian marriage and all of the impetus is placed on the wife to obey. The husband should be worth obeying meaning that he should love and protect and care for his wife.

Have you sought resources that are not Christian focused? Have you contacted your local women's center? They have shelters and other resources that can help you get out of your situation. Even if you had more Christ like love, your husband will still abuse you. Abuse is abuse no matter how much you try to put a positive spin on it. The mind does all sorts of crazy things when trying to cope with abusive situations.

Have you read anything about Stockholm syndrome? Here is a link: https://rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/stockholm-syndrome

[thereishope]

As I read your story, two things came to mind. First, I still think you are trying to normalize some of this stuff. I have done that for years and it is so difficult to face the realization of how bad things really are. Second, a true Christian marriage requires both partners to be subject to each other. Not sure if I am saying that right but I have done a lot of reading about Christian marriages and family life. A husband is supposed to care for his wife. I forget where I read it but a husband and wife are supposed to care for each other and protect each other. A lot of pastors and male figures seem to overlook the responsibilities of the male in a Christian marriage and all of the impetus is placed on the wife to obey. The husband should be worth obeying meaning that he should love and protect and care for his wife.

Have you sought resources that are not Christian focused? Have you contacted your local women's center? They have shelters and other resources that can help you get out of your situation. Even if you had more Christ like love, your husband will still abuse you. Abuse is abuse no matter how much you try to put a positive spin on it. The mind does all sorts of crazy things when trying to cope with abusive situations.

Have you read anything about Stockholm syndrome? Here is a link: https://rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/stockholm-syndrome

Thank you, Vortex.  I believe you are right.  I feel pretty stupid that things seem so clear to other people but not to me... .Ridiculous.  The Stockholm stuff is pretty sobering. 

[JonnyKrunch]

I figure my two options are 1.) somehow magically change my insides to simply stop being stressed by the dark cloud and the buildup of abuse and negativity and insults and head games... .and magically become able to put up with all these things on a regular basis... .or 2.) really grasp that this has been abusive from the start and get out while I still have some health left... .and get to a place where I can get REALLY healthy and pursue things that BUILD on that... .good, positive, uplifting, encouraging, light, life, hope, joy, peace... .These are the things I long for.

1. There is no magic.

2. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I wish I had chosen that number ten years ago instead of waiting till

    the eleventh year, because the older I get, the more valuable each year becomes.


God helps those who help themselves.

I know its not in the bible but its still a pretty good quote.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you, Vortex.  I believe you are right.  I feel pretty stupid that things seem so clear to other people but not to me... .Ridiculous.  The Stockholm stuff is pretty sobering. 

I know exactly how you feel. There are things in my situation that seem so far out there to other people. To me, it feels normal. It is so hard to reconcile the fact that I feel normal and okay most of the time but when I start telling people my story they get so outraged and upset on my behalf and I am sitting here thinking, "What's the big deal?" The more I think and read, the madder I get and the more I see that some of the things that I have put up with are anything but normal. And that puts me in a place where I struggle between simply normalizing things so I can continue to bury my head in the sand or accept the gravity of the situation and find a way out. Both options seem almost paralyzing at times.

And, I am having to find more compassion for myself rather than focusing on having so much compassion and understanding for my husband.

[thereishope]

Thank you, Vortex.  I believe you are right.  I feel pretty stupid that things seem so clear to other people but not to me... .Ridiculous.  The Stockholm stuff is pretty sobering. 

I know exactly how you feel. There are things in my situation that seem so far out there to other people. To me, it feels normal. It is so hard to reconcile the fact that I feel normal and okay most of the time but when I start telling people my story they get so outraged and upset on my behalf and I am sitting here thinking, "What's the big deal?" The more I think and read, the madder I get and the more I see that some of the things that I have put up with are anything but normal. And that puts me in a place where I struggle between simply normalizing things so I can continue to bury my head in the sand or accept the gravity of the situation and find a way out. Both options seem almost paralyzing at times.

And, I am having to find more compassion for myself rather than focusing on having so much compassion and understanding for my husband.

Once again I can relate with all of those feelings exactly.

[Panda39]

thereishope,

Your story makes me feel worried and angry.   

Worried because your husband is emotionally abusing you. To me it is as clear as day that your situation is NOT OKAY.  What I hear in your story is that he his slowly killing you... .making you disappear.  He's erasing your past, he's erasing your friends, he's erasing your confidence, he's erasing your control, he's erasing your feelings, he's erasing your thoughts, he's erasing your health, he's slowly swallowing you up in his mental illness and his abuse.

Worried also because there is physical abuse too... .what part of having knives thrown at you do you think is okay?

Angry, because you can't see the abuse and how bad it really is. Angry because I want to help you but can't.  Only you can help you and you have to love yourself to do it.  Don't waste your love on this man.  Love yourself!  You are living in the FOG... .thick black London FOG and it's blinding you... .smothering you.

You are a Christian... .what is GOD? GOD is LOVE! What you are living with this man is not Love it is abuse.

I urge you to get help (contact the domestic violence center in your area and at least talk with someone)

I'm sorry if this post comes off as harsh but I care... you matter, you are a good person and you don't deserve to be abused by anyone especially your own husband.

[hope2727]

Hi

It took me a long time to recognize what I had endured as abuse too. Here is a great web site that helped me. Look under "The Con" and "abuse" tabs to find types of abuse you may have never considered before. I found the Stonewalling and Gaslightling articles gut wrenching.

Good luck and remember you are worthy of a healthy respectful relationship. 

[thereishope]

thereishope,

Your story makes me feel worried and angry.   

Worried because your husband is emotionally abusing you. To me it is as clear as day that your situation is NOT OKAY.  What I hear in your story is that he his slowly killing you... .making you disappear.  He's erasing your past, he's erasing your friends, he's erasing your confidence, he's erasing your control, he's erasing your feelings, he's erasing your thoughts, he's erasing your health, he's slowly swallowing you up in his mental illness and his abuse.

Worried also because there is physical abuse too... .what part of having knives thrown at you do you think is okay?

Angry, because you can't see the abuse and how bad it really is. Angry because I want to help you but can't.  Only you can help you and you have to love yourself to do it.  Don't waste your love on this man.  Love yourself!  You are living in the FOG... .thick black London FOG and it's blinding you... .smothering you.

You are a Christian... .what is GOD? GOD is LOVE! What you are living with this man is not Love it is abuse.

I urge you to get help (contact the domestic violence center in your area and at least talk with someone)

I'm sorry if this post comes off as harsh but I care... you matter, you are a good person and you don't deserve to be abused by anyone especially your own husband.

Panda,

This post just made me cry… but in a good way. Your words are strong, kind, profound and ultimately I believe they are true. I am amazed at how good he is at all of this… I do not think it is deliberate but he is expert at the cycle which is indeed killing everything I have strived to be. Your words here are some that have cut the deepest in allowing me to HEAR and begin to understand this a little more… Not sure where you are in your process with  BPD SO but I'd love to hear any advice you have to give!

Thanks so much!   

[Panda39]

Hi thereishope,

I want to say up front that I don't have a BPD SO, I'm on this website because my SO has an uBPDexw and I don't want to misrepresent myself.

That being said many years ago I was in an abusive relationship with a young man that I now suspect was BPD.  We fought all the time he was over the top controlling I could barely go to the bathroom by myself!  He slapped me once, always accused me of cheating, he lied all the time and tried to slit his wrists in front of me, when I tried to break up. We were together 2 years. So I have been a victim of abuse.

Now the other side of the coin co-dependence... .I was married to an alcoholic for almost 20 years.  I was an enabling codependent wife.

You my friend have it all going on at once... .abuse, enabling & co-dependence.

It's so easy to get sucked in I know. 

It begins as something small and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it, you don't speak up. You know he loves you and means well.

Then those little things happen over and over and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you the pain he caused wasn't intentional.

Then something big happens and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you now something so big has happened that he will finally realize he needs to get help... .but doesn't.

Then something happens and it's just the way it is, it's normal, and you don't know that you should speak up. He throws knives at you (I get slapped) but you know he loves you.

It is an insidious process.

The way to stop it is to leave. 

The way to leave is to love and value yourself enough to know that you deserve better. And I'm here to tell you... .YOU DESERVE BETTER!

You need to leave. 

Start planning it.

What do you need to do? Who would help you? Who supports you? Do you need to save up some money? What does leaving look like? What do you need to take with you?  How will you do it? Can you call your local womens' shelter and just talk with someone, get some professional advice?

When you have a plan pick the day and do it.  It doesn't have to be right now, or tomorrow but soon. Don't let yourself get sucked in even further.

I have found in my own experience the I always cry when I have a realization... .an epiphany... .when something really gets through.  My post made you cry, what I said got through and I'm glad.  You have your own voice inside that I bet has been trying to get your attention too.  Listen to it don't ignore it.   

I've attached a link to another thread written by someone who is a little further down the path.  She has gone NC and wrote a letter to herself reminding herself why she left.  I thought it might resonate with you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;quote=12503980;topic=234436.0;num_replies=4;sesc=1ed41795c928658d005996207aa8295a

I'm so happy you found this website and have been able to reach out.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are many here that are going through it or have gone through it.  We all make mistakes and bad choices and with a pwBPD often unknowingly, the key is to learn from those mistakes and reach for something better.

[hope2727]

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

Sorry that is the link i tried to post for you earlier. I have found it very helpful in understanding what I endured. IF the link still doesn't work google abuseandrelationships.org

I am thinking of you and sending you all the moral support I can muster. You are worthy and deserving of a safe happy relationship

[thereishope]

It begins as something small and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it, you don't speak up. You know he loves you and means well.

Then those little things happen over and over and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you the pain he caused wasn't intentional.

Then something big happens and you take it, you can deal with it, you can fix it, you can take care of it, you can ignore it and you don't speak up. You know he loves you now something so big has happened that he will finally realize he needs to get help... .but doesn't.

Then something happens and it's just the way it is, it's normal, and you don't know that you should speak up. He throws knives at you (I get slapped) but you know he loves you.

It is an insidious process.

The way to stop it is to leave. 

This one made me cry even more because you put to words exactly how I've dealt with things. You are exactly right. In spite of the chaos in my head I had started making a plan a few weeks ago. I have some stuff in storage, and I have a vehicle available (I think it still is. ... )

Just working on a longer term plan on where to go and income (small business)... .The only other thing I can think of is to try to start writing down every negative BPD word/action to get a more accurate view of good/bad... .Ultimately if it's destroying me it's bad. ... I'm just not understanding why I still want to believe and why I'm losing sight of some of this.

[thereishope]

I'm sorry for the abuse you went through.

[thereishope]

I'm sorry for the abuse you went through.

Panda ^

[thereishope]

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

Sorry that is the link i tried to post for you earlier. I have found it very helpful in understanding what I endured. IF the link still doesn't work google abuseandrelationships.org

I am thinking of you and sending you all the moral support I can muster. You are worthy and deserving of a safe happy relationship

Thank you, hope! 

[thereishope]

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

Sorry that is the link i tried to post for you earlier. I have found it very helpful in understanding what I endured. IF the link still doesn't work google abuseandrelationships.org

I am thinking of you and sending you all the moral support I can muster. You are worthy and deserving of a safe happy relationship

Oh my goodness this website is AWESOME! I read the entire site in about 4 hours this morning. Every single article spoke to me perfectly and deeply. I wish I could engrave these truths in my head and heart!

[hope2727]

thereishope

I am glad it helped you. It is helping me too. I found the page on stonewalling gut wrenching. I fought the "you are being abused" definition very are but once I read the stonewalling piece I accepted it. I was stunned. I am still reeling in truth.

Mine finally broke no contact this week. He just texted something small and I didn't respond. It was just a way of poking me to get a response. He did not say anything of relevance to recovery or reconciliation. I ran across this page that might help you too. I had run across a better one but I can't find it at the moment. If I run across it again I will post it. Until I see a glimpse of this kind of improvement mentioned in the article he will have to continue on his own.


www.brokenpeople.org/content/coaches/Signs%20That%20He%20Has%20Changed138873.asp?coach_ID=138873&A=View%20Article

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[hope2727]

I really like the bottom part of this article.

www.escapeabuse.com/?p=110

[Panda39]

I had started making a plan a few weeks ago. I have some stuff in storage, and I have a vehicle available (I think it still is. ... )

Just working on a longer term plan on where to go and income (small business)... .The only other thing I can think of is to try to start writing down every negative BPD word/action to get a more accurate view of good/bad... .Ultimately if it's destroying me it's bad. ... I'm just not understanding why I still want to believe and why I'm losing sight of some of this.

I'm so glad to hear this    Keep up the good work and don't give up. Keep coming here with questions and concerns you will find support.   Wishing you well         

Panda