Unknown

[freedom33]

I have been NC with my ex for 6 weeks now. I received a call from an unknown number today. I didn't pick up. But just the thought that it could have been her gave me a rush. The world around me became more interesting for a little bit. My mood lifted.

Mentally I am strong and disciplined. I am keeping away. I have resisted a serious campaign of attempts on her side to break the NC that I set.

But then my heart feels otherwise. I have to overide my heart with my mind. It is really painful. In fact, I was always good at overiding my heart with my mind. What appears to be helpful in this instance, might also be part of the problem. The solution as part of the problem.

I can stay away from her because I can cut off my feelings. But at least with her I had feelings. My heart was surrounded by walls, I let her in, at first she took care of it and then she started poking it, and eventually stabbing it.

That is the gift she gave me. I remembered that I have a heart. Where were you my heart all these years? I am so glad I found you. Like a lost friend. At least now I have my own broken heart to take care of.

After this unknown incident, I read a quote from Thích Nhất Hạnh talking about compassion and suffering. About how a person that is causing suffering is suffering themselves and instead of punishing them we should offer them our help.  She punished me and I punished her too. We both need help. We were like two needy people saying to each other I need... .no I need... .no I need... .no I need... .

I broke in tears. For me, for her, for the pain and suffering, for the injustices, the broken dreams, the golgothas that each and one of us climbs in this world. I started feeling my own pain. It is real. Tastes salty. Blocks my nose. Opens my heart.

Another day... .

[myself]

You Are Here>>  

[Caredverymuch]

I have been NC with my ex for 6 weeks now. I received a call from an unknown number today. I didn't pick up. But just the thought that it could have been her gave me a rush. The world around me became more interesting for a little bit. My mood lifted.

Mentally I am strong and disciplined. I am keeping away. I have resisted a serious campaign of attempts on her side to break the NC that I set.

But then my heart feels otherwise. I have to overide my heart with my mind. It is really painful. In fact, I was always good at overiding my heart with my mind. What appears to be helpful in this instance, might also be part of the problem. The solution as part of the problem.

I can stay away from her because I can cut off my feelings. But at least with her I had feelings. My heart was surrounded by walls, I let her in, at first she took care of it and then she started poking it, and eventually stabbing it.

That is the gift she gave me. I remembered that I have a heart. Where were you my heart all these years? I am so glad I found you. Like a lost friend. At least now I have my own broken heart to take care of.

After this unknown incident, I read a quote from Thích Nhất Hạnh talking about compassion and suffering. About how a person that is causing suffering is suffering themselves and instead of punishing them we should offer them our help.  She punished me and I punished her too. We both need help. We were like two needy people saying to each other I need... .no I need... .no I need... .no I need... .

I broke in tears. For me, for her, for the pain and suffering, for the injustices, the broken dreams, the golgothas that each and one of us climbs in this world. I started feeling my own pain. It is real. Tastes salty. Blocks my nose. Opens my heart.

Another day... .

Freedom,

What a poignant post. Your self awareness is admirable. Keep yourself there.

The recovery from these r/s is not for the weak of heart.  I can honestly say I am much the same.  I have always been able to utilize my intelligence and logic to keep my heart protected and safe. 

Borderlines may be a lot of things, but one thing is for sure.  They do indeed get deeply into our hearts.  Deeply. Our hearts open widely and bond. Then, are systematically stabbed and shattered. 

The strongest amongst us are not immune.

May it comfort you to know I cry everyday yet still.  The tears are not as consuming a year later post abandonment. And with full knowledge now of the disorder and even so much more knowledge of myself.  My heart will forever hold the man I loved there.  Always.

Sending you  .  We fall, and we get up together here.

[crookedeuphoria]

Yes. Me too. That is the gift. He showed me I have love, SO much love inside of me. And no matter how it ended, no matter his illness, his motive, if what he felt was real... .*I* have love.

[Caredverymuch]

Yes. Me too. That is the gift. He showed me I have love, SO much love inside of me. And no matter how it ended, no matter his illness, his motive, if what he felt was real... .*I* have love.

[heartandwhole]

Great post, freedom33, thank you for sharing.

I broke in tears. For me, for her, for the pain and suffering, for the injustices, the broken dreams, the golgothas that each and one of us climbs in this world. I started feeling my own pain. It is real. Tastes salty. Blocks my nose. Opens my heart.

I can really relate to this. And yes, it opens me up. Sometimes inside the pain I can find that kernel of sweetness, the love that lives beneath the layers of hurt. So many of us are afraid to feel—understandably—but if we are brave enough to move toward uncomfortable feelings, the rewards on the other side of that turbulence can be stunning.

Thanks for the reminder and inspiration. 

heart