My BPD bf is pulling away from me,idk if its the push pull?please help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I am new here and still trying to learn and improve my relationship with my uBPD bf.its been a month right before his birthday that he started gradually pull away from me like he wouldn't reply to my text,won't answer my phone calls as we live in different city which s not that away actually it's an hour drive away but still I can't see him everyday usually it's weekend depending on his mood which can turn out in to months.

I don't know what's making him to be so out of reach and being at total distant.we been having small arguments lately all because he wouldn't talk to me for days and weeks.i keep asking him but he won't tell me... at times there are trivial things like running in to my ex the other day,hanging out with old friends... if I miss his call occasionally and then call like shortly after within 15 or half an hour he won't reply and just stop talking to me for days...

I have been trying to make him understand that if only he would tell me what he actually wants?i will do it for him,even if he wants me to move closer or stop hanging out with my friends but he just won't tell me what it is and now I m exhausted of trying to make it work.

I keep apologizing and making up for the things that aren't actually my fault to begin with,I just don't know how to make it work.i just am on the verge of breaking up with him but I fear that I will regret it later cause I really love him.

Like today he called me a couple if hours ago and I texted him that I was out with friends later and I missed his call when I got back I called him right away he didn't answer.later that night he called but I was asleep so u missed his call after that he just won't talk to me it's been two days I kept calling apologizing profusely but no response at all so I got really angry and texted him one or two rude texts confronting,just rude not really mean but afterwards I apologized but he won't talk to me I kept calling for hours but he is not talking.

I m just so exhausted I told him not to do this this is causing gaps in our understanding for each other I actually pleaded him but he still isn't talking,I fear he won't talk to me for weeks now .

It's always like this a small things is twisted turned in to something really big... we talk for a day or two a week utmost things are wonderful he is loving and all and then something happens out of blue and then there are months of pleadings,crying but all I get is cold silence .

I don't wanna break up with him but I m worried its been three years but this relationship is not going anywhere we are always back to square 1.

It's like rinse lather repeat!

No conclusive ... no progress nothing... just lovely talks once in awhile and then cold indifferent silence.us this the way to live?i asked him if he is bored and wants to end up but he says he doesn't wanna break up but then what does he wants?

Please can anyone help me out a bit?i m really depressed

Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated!

Thankyou

[Kasina]

Hello,

I am new here and still trying to learn and improve my relationship with my uBPD bf.its been a month right before his birthday that he started gradually pull away from me like he wouldn't reply to my text,won't answer my phone calls as we live in different city which s not that away actually it's an hour drive away but still I can't see him everyday usually it's weekend depending on his mood which can turn out in to months.

I don't know what's making him to be so out of reach and being at total distant.we been having small arguments lately all because he wouldn't talk to me for days and weeks.i keep asking him but he won't tell me... at times there are trivial things like running in to my ex the other day,hanging out with old friends... if I miss his call occasionally and then call like shortly after within 15 or half an hour he won't reply and just stop talking to me for days...

I have been trying to make him understand that if only he would tell me what he actually wants?i will do it for him,even if he wants me to move closer or stop hanging out with my friends but he just won't tell me what it is and now I m exhausted of trying to make it work.

I keep apologizing and making up for the things that aren't actually my fault to begin with,I just don't know how to make it work.i just am on the verge of breaking up with him but I fear that I will regret it later cause I really love him.

Like today he called me a couple if hours ago and I texted him that I was out with friends later and I missed his call when I got back I called him right away he didn't answer.later that night he called but I was asleep so u missed his call after that he just won't talk to me it's been two days I kept calling apologizing profusely but no response at all so I got really angry and texted him one or two rude texts confronting,just rude not really mean but afterwards I apologized but he won't talk to me I kept calling for hours but he is not talking.

I m just so exhausted I told him not to do this this is causing gaps in our understanding for each other I actually pleaded him but he still isn't talking,I fear he won't talk to me for weeks now .

It's always like this a small things is twisted turned in to something really big... we talk for a day or two a week utmost things are wonderful he is loving and all and then something happens out of blue and then there are months of pleadings,crying but all I get is cold silence .

I don't wanna break up with him but I m worried its been three years but this relationship is not going anywhere we are always back to square 1.

It's like rinse lather repeat!

No conclusive ... no progress nothing... just lovely talks once in awhile and then cold indifferent silence.us this the way to live?i asked him if he is bored and wants to end up but he says he doesn't wanna break up but then what does he wants?

Please can anyone help me out a bit?i m really depressed

Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated!

Thankyou

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[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Kasina & 

I'm really sorry for all the frustration and sadness you are going through with your boyfriend; I do know that the silent treatment or anger that comes out of left field when you least expect it can be very confusing!

Have you had the chance to read all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? You should start at the top of the links and work your way down, but make sure you check out Before you can make anything better, You must stop making it worse. There is information there that can help you understand how your boyfriend's mind work, and with that understanding you can then learn how to communicate with him in a way that doesn't push every one of his buttons. And when you can deal with him in that way, the push-pull, silent treatments, etc. could become a less often event. Or at least help so that the events don't last as long... .

I'm happy you found us, Kasina, and hope that you tell us more of what is going on with your boyfriend... .And after you read the links, please let us know what you think of them, or ask any questions you might have. We'd really like to help 

[PinkPoker]

Hiya,  reading your post really hit home with me. I am experiencing very similar with a close male friend.  I believe we have feelings for each other but anyway that's beside the point... .

In the beginning I would keep ringing and texting him... .   Then last year I spent a month trying to get him to respond and he wouldn't and I knew it was 'me' because I tested it out asking a friend to send a similar message and he replied.  It took me a loong time to suss him out and I'm still learning.   I have found if I can validate the reason why he's ignoring me he soon comes round.  However it depends what the issue is and how major. I've also struggled to always know what the issue is to even be able to validate it.   

I like you feel like I'm always having to say sorry and it really gets tiring and to a point which I am now at where I start thinking is this worth all the pain and stress?

I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you but I do know what you're going through... .  My friend messaged me last night saying he'd some bad news and would be going awol which I thought was a strange thing to do but maybe that's his way of saying I've had bad news come and save me!  I don't know... .  I did reply and say I'm hurt and tired that you're pushing me away. He hasn't responded but then he might not be using his phone.  I guess what I'm saying is maybe approach things with him in a different way?  Perhaps leave him be for a while and see if he contacts you.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help but please message me if you wanna private chat anytime. X

[Kasina]

Hello Rapt reader ,

Thank you for the links,I have been reading a lot and it really helps so much just to understand what goes in the mind of a person with BPD and the inner torment they have to deal with. I have been reading a lot about BPD since past year from various sites and forums.

I have been visiting this site since past year reading others stories and experiences and it always helped me a lot!i am so glad I found this place where I can talk to people who can understand what I m going through and the lessons are a great help they surely makes it a lot easier to understand and deal with the problems in ones relationship.untill now I never posted anything because I always had a lot of help from others experiences and the lessons on boards but with time I got more frustrated,it felt like It was all my fault,so I finally posted and I m glad that i did.

It feels great to be here and thank you so much for the help and replies.I really appreciate it.

[Kasina]

Hey pink poker,

Thank you for understanding and I can totally get how frustrating the 'not knowing' can be the second guessing and the doubts.you did the right thing by letting your friend be for awhile until he approached you.

What I have learned from my personal experience is that when they are not responding then there could be some internal feelings that they are dealing with but as you said that he replied to your friend and not you then it must be something related to you... maybe he is confused about feelings regarding you or maybe he is not ready for a relationship yet... or it could be the fear of engulfment due to repetitive calling and texting.you can never know until he will let you in on it... it takes a lot of effort for a BPD to open up to someone.idk much about your situation like how long have you been friends or if he has been seeing someone or not.so I really can't comment much ...


My relationship with my BPDbf is very complicated,I have been through so many lows and highs in this relationship that I can't possibly describe cause I have to think really hard what particular incident lead to what next whatever happened? As I look back at the past two years its kind of a blur... what I know is that in every month or two something really bad happens which leaves us back at square 1 and the relationship is screwed up but we don't break up mostly because I apologise and validate him and to my best and I try my level best to understand his feelings so I won't trigger him.

It's just since the last month I have been very angry at him for not understanding my perspective of things after me being so understanding and forgiving cause you know in the end no matter how understanding or compassionate you are at one point you just loose all your strength and you just want your want your partner to validate you for a change and take care of you... he just wasn't quite there.


I wish that he would just trust me completely but that cant happen right?i know he loves me,I do but his fears of abandonment and intimacy just keep getting in way... I m trying to change myself as much as I can to make my relationship work but as they say 'you need two to tango' so there are the some sit backs.

I m just glad that I have found this forum where I have so understanding and well informed people to talk to...

Well that's enough rambling about my relationship.let me know about your situation a little if you are ok with it,I might be of some help... I will really like to chat to you sometimes it's really nice even just to vent  knowing that its all well understood .

X

[PinkPoker]

Hi Kasina,

Wow reading your reply brought a tear to my eye. I relate to you so much. Even though I'm not in a relationship with my uBPD friend I've experienced a lot of what you are saying. Each time we meet up it's a learning curve for me.   It took me well over a year to recognise he had abandonment issues and the incident when I realised was strange because he'd got it in his head I was going to walk out but I never did but he still punished me for it with the passive aggressive comments and silent treatment... .

He also seems to get really bad paranoia when he thinks everyone is talking about him. Does your boyfriend get this?

The situation I said to you about him giving me the silent treatment but contacting a friend... .It started after I told him I was moving house with my boyfriend, he asked if we were buying or renting and I said buying. He reacted by swearing but never did I imagine he'd stop talking to me for two months in the end!  He was also flirting in the phone call but I thought he was messing around and I jokingly said I wasn't interested in anyone over 40 (he's 42). So it was that or the house move that triggered the silent treatment.

When you said you wish he could trust you completely... .I totally know what you mean. I don't know about your boyfriend but my friend only seems to trust his family. There are so close.  The message I sent the other night basically said I was hurt and tired of him pushing me away and I hope he had someone he could trust and was there for him.  I know he's read the message as I use Whatsapp - now I'm feeling guilty and maybe he thinks I've given up on him.  It takes a lot for me to carry on and not message him but I know deep down if he misses me he'll be in touch soon. 

I'm sorry if I've gone on a bit... .Has your boyfriend been diagnosed as having BPD?  My friend may have but I'm too afraid to just come out and ask him! Do you or him receive therapy? I know some people in this situation do.  Do your friends get on with him?  Did something bad happen in his childhood?

Sorry for all the questions... Hope you're doing okay today?

PP x

[Kasina]

Hello again,

I m sorry that you are in this situation,I understand how hurtful and furstratung this can be.

It's all right,you can ask whatever you want I will try my best to answer your questions...

Well to your first query,no my bf doesn't cares the least what people talk about him as he has some strong narcissistic traits but deep inside I know it gets him what people think about him as a person in general but he never let's it show.

As you said the way you texted him in reply to his text definitely made him think that you have given up on him that's why he is not talking to you right now but he will come around hopefully,try to validate him when he talks to you as this is the basic thing in gaining trust from a BPD.if he knows you understand his feeling he will confide more in you.

My boyfriend is close to his family but doesn't really trust anyone except his mom.he has very severe trust issues.it took him more than a year to let me in on his mind and still he doesn't trust me completely.his paranoia is more about that everyone out there is to get him and hurt him so he trust no one... he even gets suspicious about my motives at times,he doesn't really believe that my sole reason to be with him could simply be that I love him.maybe it's because of this belief they have that no one will ever love them and that they are not worthy.

My bf has been through alot,his childhood was not good he was physically and verbally abused by his father and elder brother.His dating history has also been a disaster I have known him for a long sometime so I know what he's been going throughout his teens and early 20's.

Every single of his gf cheated on him and left him eventually.

He kept falling for the females with issues if there own and they were no good for him and I believe he knew that that's why he kept the relationship because he knew that it won't last.

The BPD prophecy fulfilled,the reason that its hard for him to be with me constantly is that he sees the potential for a true intimate relationship which triggers his fear of abandonment.

No he is not diagnosed with BPD,he do realises that there's definitely something wrong in his behaviour,I have found some book on psychiatry in his library which he's been reading but he has never admitted it to me.i tried talking to him about it but he snapped and then there was the silent treatment for days until I tried to fix things up as usual.

So I decided to let him be,see we can't help them untill they decide for themselves that they need it and that they need to change .

All we can really do us support them and assure them that we will be there to help.sometomes I feel he has given up on himself,he has accepted the way he is and refused to change.he had subtly tried to talk to me that he is not going to change now,he is not gonna try to be someone he is not which means that he won't change his malfunctioning ways of coping up with people and with his own emotions... .

As it needs a lot Of effort and change is scary which means either I have to change myself to cope with him or else I just have to give up in him which he doesn't wants me too.ughhhhh!

That being said,what I have noticed that even though he said he's not gonna try and change but still he has changed a great deal for me which I really appreciate but requires a lot of patience and strength...

He gets along very well with our mutual friends and we have a great bunch if friends but he dislikes my friends(not mutual ), I have also noticed that he gets jealous when I spend my time with them.i just hope things turns out to be good in the long run for the both of us eventually.

Let me know how things are at your end.

Take care

Kasina-

[Haye]

Oh, i noticed this thread only after reading your newer post, apolgies. Sounds like push and pull, indeed (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0 pictures it nicely i think). I'm sorry for both you Kasina and PinkPoker. It's heavy. Even if you understand the trust issues and the underlying fear of abandoment it not easy.

Sadly enough, after months of quite stable liking and closeness i'm back in the same boat with you guys. Sigh. I don't think it ever gets easy even though this time is (so far) easier than previous one. My SO is aware he is emotionally and physically distancing himself from me, can't change it, but at least we can talk about it a bit.  He seems to be trying very hard not to repeat his earlier mistakes, like falling back on either an ex or finding a new relationship which I appriciate. I have told him I probably can't handle being  recycled again, even though know the pattern and know the reasons it's happening... .I set a boundary there and so far it has been respected. 

Unfortunately I cannot help reacting to him moving emotionally away from me, going into some primitive "fine if you don't want to be with me, then i'm moving away too", which makes it all worse of course.

[PinkPoker]

Hi both,

Thanks for your replies. I haven't messages because there isn't much of an update.  I did message him using the SET guidelines but still no reply!  I know he's not AWOL as he sent a friend a happy birthday message but he is lying low as far as I know that's the only contact he's made... .

In the truth part I basically said I didn't think it was nice using the silent treatment and that I didn't deserve it as he knows full well I have a lot else going on in my life right now.

Thanks Haye for your reply to this thread and the other one.  Does your boyfriend actually give you the silent treatment?  If so how long does it normally last?   Do you normally end up giving in.  I think it's great you have set boundaries and are sticking to them.   It's interesring you say about him going back to an ex or a new relationship Ive read that happens a lot with individuals with BPD.  To be honest I don't see this aspect in my uBPD friend. He certainly could easily, he's very good looking and talks the talk but he seems to afraid to do anything physical with any female.  He talks about sex A LOT! But it seems to be all talk.   I get the impression he's scared of intimacy.

I do wish you both well and it's great to have people

Who understand.   I think as you said Kasina it takes a lot of strength and even a small change can make a big difference in our hearts. We must really love them to go through what we do. 

Just one question now do you validate someone if you don't know what the issue is?  I said in my message I was worried about how he was feeling and I understood he was upset but this made no difference.  Maybe I had invalidated him because I was guessing he was upset because he said he'd had sad news!    ;-(

[Grey Kitty]

 

As it needs a lot Of effort and change is scary which means either I have to change myself to cope with him or else I just have to give up in him which he doesn't wants me too.ughhhhh!

I'd suggest a third path for you:

Change yourself... .If you work though the lessons here, you will see things in your behavior toward him which is making things worse for the r/s, and tools that are much more constructive. Some of these changes he will like, some he won't. Some of his behavior may get worse before it gets better.

And one quick suggestion--go really light on chasing after him when he's running away. He probably is in a horrible state, and would be very unpleasant if he was in contact with you. Instead, silently thank him for choosing not to inflict that side of himself on you!

However what you have learned will help you in a wider setting, and improve how you relate to other people... .disordered or 'normal'. (For example, everybody likes validation, and nobody likes invalidation.)

And make your life (aside from him) what you want of it. Then you will see clearly how much he is adding to your life.

[Kasina]

Hello grey kitty

Thankyou for the suggestions,I really appreciate it.you are right I have to change in order to make it better.it really is not his fault the way he feels and yes he tries his best to not inflict any kind of hurt upon me rather he just tries and wait it out until he is ok and has regained his strength again.i do realize it.

It's just sometimes it gets really frustrating seeing him dealing with his inner turmoil alone and not being able to do much about it.he alone can't make the change because of his vulnerability and intensity of the emotions and the poor executive control.

He has been through alot.too much pain ...

I just wanna make him feel better,only if he would let me.i honestly can.

But of course it's his decision to make,if he feels like it he will come around.

Thankyou for giving me the perspective  to see things differently .

[Haye]

Some thoughts:

I'll have to go with Grey Kitty here, I guess the only thing to do is give him space and hope he knows he can come back / get your help when he is ready for it. Chasing him is probably not a very good idea. I know it's hard. But it might turn out to be the right thing to do. I let me SO go, when he wanted to. One time I told him i'm not taking him back anymore and that time changed everything. Very hard and difficult for both of us, but i think it was needed, perhaps for the both of us. It let to him getting diagnosed, and treated. But people and relationships are different, what happened with me and my so doesn't mean it works the same with you and your boyfriend.

I know it's frustrating to watch someone hurting, fighting their inner demons, without being able to help.

But as to making people better. I hope i'm not hurting your feelings, but I'm not sure any of us can. Or more precisily I think assuming responsibility for somebody else's health is a bit dangerous? We can stand with them, and give support, but it is up to the person suffering to make themselves better. Even the best therapeuts cannot fix a client, it's the patient doing the work - with therapeut's help of course. What we can change is ourselves.

I have been trying to make him understand that if only he would tell me what he actually wants?

It's possible he has no idea what he wants. Not even a faint clue. That's how my SO felt previously. I'm quoting him from the past: "people ask me what i want. You ask me what i want. I'm asked about my future. my plans. I cannot see a future for me, more than a week or two. I struggle to keep myself alive, i struggle daily to cope with the pain, chaos in my head. Asking me what i want is futile as i have no idea. The answer is that I want to die, but as it's not accepted i have none. It's not pretty in here *tapping his head*. Some moments I want this, some moments I want that and most of the time i'm just trying to be and do what people around me expect of me. There is no 'me' to decide what 'i' want".

Does your boyfriend actually give you the silent treatment?  If so how long does it normally last?   Do you normally end up giving in.  I think it's great you have set boundaries and are sticking to them.   It's interesring you say about him going back to an ex or a new relationship Ive read that happens a lot with individuals with BPD.

No, he doesn't give me silent treatment. When he is distancing himself… He's just different. Colder. Spends most of his time alone, avoids intimacy. When he talks, but it is mostly mundane stuff or sharp black sarcasm (bit harsh, but not too mean or crue). Or the distancing might also go so that he would be going after a new girl, or an ex, and fuss about them, being really interessed on someone, concentrating on them.

He has some dissociating, and my impression is that when he is cold and distance is growing i'm dealing with another aspect of him (not another person, but a side of him). It's a barrier-kind-of thing. Nobody can hurt you, if you are cold and distant.

To my surprise his last distance/pushing me away turned out to be rather short one, only a couple of weeks. There was some pressure and an event triggered a flashback -> that usually causes him to both dissociate and distance himself from me.

I'm still trying to adapt myself for having him return this fast 

but he seems to afraid to do anything physical with any female.  He talks about sex A LOT! But it seems to be all talk.   I get the impression he's scared of intimacy.

With a background of physical and verbal abuse he honestly could be really scared of being intimate. I've gotten the impression (reading here) that some BPD's are able to have lots and lost of sex as long as its meaningless, but as soon as there is an actual attachment (or something reminding attachment, many seem badly wounded in developing trust) it becomes really difficult.

Plus we live in a very sexist world. Everybody is supposed to be doing it, and specially guys should be interested in sex all the time. It can be extremely difficult if person is wounded in that area, specially if they don't really even know what is the problem.

[PinkPoker]

Well... .if there's something I've learnt this weekend it's that two wrongs don't make a right.  I have made one of the biggest mistakes ever and I'm not sure I will ever get over it.

After a month I woke up to a message from my uBPD friend on Saturday morning. I decided not to read it because I was so upset he'd blanked me for so long. I sent him messages, I posted a present to him - NOTHING... .

Early Saturday evening I received another message... .I read it. It said his mother had passed away. I have felt sick ever since that moment. I read the first message and it said he was sorry he hadn't been in touch his mum had been in hospital and she was coming home to die.

I have since messaged him, wrote a letter, sent him a song and told him I am here for him but I don't think he wants to know and who can blame him  I ignored him when he needed me most because I wanted him to feel how I did.  If only I read that message.  I am distraught. I broke down at my parents last night. I just can't bare this pain - say he never forgives me! 

If there is such a thing as karma I'm living it right now!  He was silent for a damn good reason and although I'm hurt he didn't tell me I should have been there when he was ready to return.  I'm really not sure what I'm going to do now. ;-(

[Haye]

PinkPoker, don't be too hard on yourself. Feelings are natural and while it is better to think someone has a valid reason for not answering us it's still very human to think someone's blocking you out. Especially if they have been prone to such before. Maybe you could offer to take your friend for a cup of coffee, or such? Call him, suggest something and be open to change it as well.

Parent's death is a huge thing to deal with (i lost my dad some years ago). My friends offered all kinds of things when my her passed away, but most of them required me to do something like calling them and suggesting a date and place. That was too much. It was better for me if someone just called and asked if i could come this and this time - i could then say that actually not that day and suggest something else. "let me know what i can do for you" didn't work for me then, i wasn't in any shape to start asking anyone for any kind of help. People are of course different in how they react, but letting you know his mom died even after you didn't answer, well i think it means he wishes to be in contact and is not holding a huge grudge?

[PinkPoker]

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it. It's hard when you know someone with BPD but have no one to talk to about it. Most people just get to a stage where they have enough of his behaviour and drop him. I tried to be the exception to the rule.

Anyway, yes he told me about his mum but maybe it was his way of saying 'too late' now. I cannot describe how bad I feel.  For once I did what I was advised and was strong and tried to set boundaries by not jumping as soon as he texted. The one time I do! ;-(

Anyway as I said yesterday I texted and rang him with no reply. So very late last night I sent him a loong email and explained I felt hie'd rejected me when I was trying to be there for him. I reassured him I would be here and that if only he'd let me in. I mentioned a conversation we'd had in the past where he said he had come to realise he'd have nobody when his mum and dad die and I told him then and now that he does.  I also sent him a song... Bit soppy and weird for him but I was desperate for him to know I cared.

I kinda guessed he wouldn't reply because he never does. After I posted my message on here he sent me a text about the funeral arrangements so I'm hoping that means he doesn't hate me. I've replied and said I'd be there.

I would like to see him before the funeral but I'm not sure that will happen. I don't want to annoy him.

Thanks again. Listening and taking time to read my post. It means a great deal.

PP

x

[Grey Kitty]

Cut yourself some slack for not reading an email immediately when you were really pissed. People do things like that. 

Give yourself credit for reading the followup... .sounds like it was only a few hours later.

And try to do what the right thing now:

• Support him in his grieving



• Accept that he will probably continue doing stupid dysfunctional things as part of his grieving, and try not to take it personally



• Work on letting go of resentment or grudges over his cutting you out for the month



• Try not to go crazy with apologies, emails, txts, etc.--They will probably come off as invalidating/controlling/chasing to him.



• Of course, go to the funeral

[PinkPoker]

Hiya,

I am upset I didn't read the text message. He messaged 2am and I didn't read the messages until 6pm. I think it's because I kept telling him I was there for him and then the one time he reached out I wasn't. ;-(

I am supporting him - well trying to. I appreciate he'll do dysfunctional things but it does feel personal when it's only towards me he's being distant. I've heard other people have spoke to him. People not as close as I thought I was. It's the whole painted black scenario I guess.

I don't resent him at all. Now I know why I understand. Obviously I'm hurt but gosh no it's understandable

You're right about not going over the top. Which for me would be quite a PP thing to do!  I do however think he needs the constant reassurance but I certainly don't want to invalidate him.  I've sent a morning and night message every day and I just got a card.

I will be going to the funeral but I'd like to have things sorted beforehand so I can be there for him on the day rather than feeling on edge and not really welcome.

Thanks again for all your advice and help.

PP

x

[Grey Kitty]

I will be going to the funeral but I'd like to have things sorted beforehand so I can be there for him on the day rather than feeling on edge and not really welcome.

He's got BPD. He doesn't cope well with feelings. His mother just died. He has far more emotions to deal with than he can handle gracefully.

Of course he will be awkward at the funeral. Maybe completely inappropriate. Maybe aimed at you, maybe somebody else.

If he's decided he's ready to be more with you, he probably will act as if the month of distancing never happened.

I guess I'm saying you have good reasons to feel on edge and/or unwelcome. Try to set them aside, along with any expectations... .and try to feel happy about seeing him and compassion for his pain and confusion.

[PinkPoker]

Thank you. You are absolutely right. I admire your honesty.

I'm being very selfish thinking about me and my concious and how I feel.  At least I'm prepared for his behaviour where as sometimes I've no idea what I've done or why he's behaving in the way he is.

I don't think I can do any more than I have. He knows how I feel and he knows I'm here for him. He couldn't punish me any more than I have myself. Perhaps in time it will bring us closer.

PP

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