1 Year NC

[Waifed]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

[Caredverymuch]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

Waifed   I am sending you   while saying how truly amazing you are. Congratulations.  Give yourself immense credit and continued wishes of full healing. The best of days ahead belong to you.

You really have learned a great deal about yourself. That's the hidden and necessary gift many miss.

Your post helps an abundant amount of members here who aren't there yet.

You gave the disorder back. Where it belongs 

SO happy for you Waifed!

[Red Sky]

Congratulations. I'm saving your post as a valuable reminder of things that we all need to remember sometimes.

[Blimblam]

Waifed you have come a Long way. Your lessons will serve you well in life

[Waifed]

Waifed you have come a Long way. Your lessons will serve you well in life

Thanks Blimblam. You are well on your way there too!

[jayboy336]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

     Hello there Waifed. Extremely inspirational words for someone who has gone through what many of us have. It is nice to see what recovery can do in the span of a year and it gives me hope in my recovery. I am on my second day now. The pain still fresh and it gives me hope, that I can one day feel what you feel right now. Thank you for sharing

[Tibbles]

What a great post. Lots in there for me to aim for and to think about. Thanks

[letmeout]

Congratulations! Isn't life wonderful without a BPD person raking you over the coals?

I ran into mine yesterday and was relieved that he didn't recognize me! I was able to walk past unimpeded or abused or even noticed. I felt so lucky! I am free 

[Infared]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

This is an enlightening post... .It makes it more about us healing and less about them abusing.

Very positive and hopeful! :-)

[Aussie0zborn]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

Firstly, let me join in and quote your post like others just so we can give our scroll wheels a little workout, or in case it's unclear what I'm replying to.

Secondly, congratulations! Well done. That's a great place to be.

[JRav59]

That is so great waifed! I have almost hit the 5 month mark. Although I am still annoyed by it and if she were to reach out to me I would probably be sick, I've turned a point as well. I told her I don't want her to have anything to do with my life. I have blocked her from everything. I have really dived into therapy, meditation and spiritual healing.

I actually asked a medium if my ex will ever get the help she needs. She said probably not. She couldn't see her future past a certain partner. In all honesty,  think she will be dead with how hard she is living, etc. It's very sad.

The good news for me is that I have a bright future. I see it everyday! Shedding past thoughts and issues has been so wonderful. I encourage everyone to get therapy, meditate and take the time to be introverted for a little while in order to heal.

Light and love,

JR

[allweareisallweare]

It has been a year of NC and here is what I have learned through processing, therapy and time:

1) My well being has nothing to do with ex

2) I could not have changed the outcome of the relationship

3) Even though I still have moments of sadness when triggered, I have realized that having any type of relationship with ex is pointless. I don't need someone like her in my life.

4)I can't save her.  That is up to her.

5) It is not my responsibility to care for her

6) I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.

7) People are not always who they seem to be. Some people will try to manipulate you for their own gain. Instead of arguing or trying to get even with these people it is easier to get away from them if possible.

8) I have self awareness about my weaknesses and I think/feel through things before reacting impulsively

9) I can identify shame in myself and try to avoid projecting it on others

10) Depression doesn't last forever

11) Evaluating your life with a good therapist frees you from your pain.

12) Although she needed me I was just a stepping stone to get through life for her.

13) It's OK that she no longer wants or needs me

14) it's OK if I want or need someone else.

15) Life is good. I look forward to the future again

16) I am much happier feeling my way through life, than thinking my way through it.

17) Being honest with others about your feelings and needs relieves you of pain, stress and resentment

18) I know who my true friends are and I am so thankful for them

19) I don't care if she keeps track of me or thinks about me. It doesn't matter.  

20) I do things for myself, not to impress others

21) I don't miss the sinking feeling in my stomach!

22) My children are my world and it is my responsibility to raise then in a healthy environment

23) People have to earn my trust

24)I understand what enjoying the little things in life is all about.

25) There is no shame in being cheated on or feeling foolish for allowing someone you trust to abuse, lie, manipulate and use you. The shame is on them.

26) It's ok to be vulnerable.

27) My impulsiveness has decreased but I still need to work on soothing

The last year has been filled with pain, processing, ruminating, heeling, reflection and movement towards detachment. I have survived 3 years of abuse and a year of recovery. I lost a child 11 years ago and this has been just as trying, but time has heeled in both situations. I was at the lowest point in my 47 years just one year ago. Today I am by far the best person I have ever been. I am focused at work and in my personal life. I am more complete than I have ever been. I love myself.

Hang in there. It gets better. Let this play itself out while working on yourself. Stay in the now. You can do this

Just bumping this up to say *thanks*   

1 Year is a long time - for no contact or anything else. I have gone 1 year plus, and in that time broke NC once - which I felt, in the end, was valid, since I think I succeeded in properly, at least partially, spelling out how aware of her condition I was etc etc etc But that was then and this is now.

You make a good list of good reasons there, and I subscribe to them all!

[Rifka]

Congrats Waifed,

You sound like you are in a fantastic place.

I just love the inspirational posts for everybody to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel!

Forward, forward, and forward, no turning back is the only direction I will go.

Dipping toes back into the dating world now for me.

Red flags appear so much clearer and louder, like a fog horn in my ears. I thought I was picky before, oh boy this will be a new challenge!

Thanks for sharing your anniversary with us.

Rifka

[hurting300]

Did she continue to keep trying to contact you?

[NorthLight]

Congratulations, that is so inspiring ! I wish each and every one of us can reach the point you are at now :D I just want to be free, i just want to like my life, and not be addicted to her anymore! We can do this!

[Waifed]

Did she continue to keep trying to contact you?

No.  She was contacting me every other day, but when I met with a P and he suggested BPD I told her about it and offered to pay for her therapy. I got a phone call from the police the next day asking me to never contact her or her friends again. I was shocked, but it was what I needed to break the cycle.

I totally empathize with those here who are just beginning their recovery. The emotional abuse is impossible for a non PD person to comprehend.  Eventually we begin to detach and also learn to accept that what happened during the relationship was not logical and there is no longer a need to try to analyze things or fault ourselves for the way we handled the relationship. We also learn that the shame is on them and we are not the people that we were accused of being, only a projection of who they were. It is important for you to be patient with yourself. The mind must heal itself from the trauma that it has experienced. The ruminations and processing are the things that the mind uses to do this. You will beat this. You are one of the good persons in this world that prove that mankind can be compassionate and caring.

[trampledfoot]

Was broken up with for the final time 18 months I could never hold NC very long. Currently NC for two months I am hoping I can make it a year. This is truly inspirational for me THANK YOU

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am glad to hear you have made it this long and are well.

Also, thank you for this post.  It gives me hope.

[Infared]

Did she continue to keep trying to contact you?

No.  She was contacting me every other day, but when I met with a P and he suggested BPD I told her about it and offered to pay for her therapy. I got a phone call from the police the next day asking me to never contact her or her friends again. I was shocked, but it was what I needed to break the cycle.

I totally empathize with those here who are just beginning their recovery. The emotional abuse is impossible for a non PD person to comprehend.  Eventually we begin to detach and also learn to accept that what happened during the relationship was not logical and there is no longer a need to try to analyze things or fault ourselves for the way we handled the relationship. We also learn that the shame is on them and we are not the people that we were accused of being, only a projection of who they were. It is important for you to be patient with yourself. The mind must heal itself from the trauma that it has experienced. The ruminations and processing are the things that the mind uses to do this. You will beat this. You are one of the good persons in this world that prove that mankind can be compassionate and caring.

I so identify with AND understand this.  I am sorry that you were treated this way... .

I had similar experience.  The denial and the blame are insidious... .and it causes so much pain... .but so many of the items on your list at the top of the page address this situation. Great post!

[Blimblam]

Did she continue to keep trying to contact you?

No.  She was contacting me every other day, but when I met with a P and he suggested BPD I told her about it and offered to pay for her therapy. I got a phone call from the police the next day asking me to never contact her or her friends again. I was shocked, but it was what I needed to break the cycle.

I totally empathize with those here who are just beginning their recovery. The emotional abuse is impossible for a non PD person to comprehend.  Eventually we begin to detach and also learn to accept that what happened during the relationship was not logical and there is no longer a need to try to analyze things or fault ourselves for the way we handled the relationship. We also learn that the shame is on them and we are not the people that we were accused of being, only a projection of who they were. It is important for you to be patient with yourself. The mind must heal itself from the trauma that it has experienced. The ruminations and processing are the things that the mind uses to do this. You will beat this. You are one of the good persons in this world that prove that mankind can be compassionate and caring.

Getting to the we are not at fault and not identifying with the shame is a tremendous struggle. For whatever reason though I have an internal "need" to understand. It drove me mad though but I am actually starting to understand it. It is possible but their is a price to pay.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Great post Waifed ! 

Very inspirational on the way to recovery ! Thanks a lot !

[Tincup]

Waifed--Congrats on the post.  I can relate to many of the items in your post.  Good work during the past year!

[bunnysc]

No.  She was contacting me every other day, but when I met with a P and he suggested BPD I told her about it and offered to pay for her therapy. I got a phone call from the police the next day asking me to never contact her or her friends again. I was shocked, but it was what I needed to break the cycle.

Great post Waifed thanks!

Oh God, well mate at least you got a call from a true Police... .I got a call from her replacement threatening me faking to be a lawyer, to never contact her or her family again... .HOW LOW CAN THEY GO wow

And now she sent me a few texts... .Kinda like painted white, jesus. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Sounding very healthy and detached waifed; congratulations on a job well done!

It is important for you to be patient with yourself. The mind must heal itself from the trauma that it has experienced. The ruminations and processing are the things that the mind uses to do this.

This is very sound advice.  Our mind is constantly working to make sense of our world and some challenges are bigger than others, but we always find a way, and believing there always is one and it's within us is very empowering.