patterns in their behaviour

[Infern0]

One thing I noticed in my RS was that she seemed to always disregulate on weekends.  It was like Monday to Friday would be ok but on Friday or Saturday something always happened,  every single week where we would argue and I'd spend the entire weekend stressed out trying to fix "us"

Also every Thursday she would have some major incident happen where she "lost all her friends" or had some other thing that I'd have to comfort her about.

It became kind of a running joke,  I would be so exhausted at work and I'd think well at least it's the weekend soon... .oh wait.

And then come Monday morning I'd be glad to get back to work.

Every week it was the same for about 4 months without fail.

[Pieter2]

Halo Infern0

Absolutely. I had the exact same thing. It was definitely manipulation. As soon as a weekend would draw near, all of a sudden, there was something wrong or something would happen which would make her angry with me or somehow cause that I would have to spend my entire weekend explaining to her why I love her etc. etc. She would make sure that I could never ever do anything without her during weekends and that weekends would consist of only me seeing her. Nothing more. Weekends were terrible!

[Ivaros]

The weirdest thing was.

Whenever i felt happy or relaxed. She began to make trouble and starting fights.

I didn't even had to admit it.


If she saw that i was happy. She needed to have a break down on that precise moment.

As if i wasn't allowed to be happy.

[Rifka]

The weirdest thing was.

Whenever i felt happy or relaxed. She began to make trouble and starting fights.

I didn't even had to admit it.


If she saw that i was happy. She needed to have a break down on that precise moment.

As if i wasn't allowed to be happy.

Exactly!

Fights and breakdowns usually also happened when he wanted to manipulate time away, to do who knows or cares what!

Then it was back to sweet him on his terms!

So glad to be so far past my drama king bs!

They are the grand manipulators, totally scripted and played out perfect for them each time.

Freedom is peaceful and priceless!

Rifka

[purpleavocado]

Yep, we would always fight on weekends. Typically during the week she was better behaved. I hated my job at the time but I was always thrilled when Monday rolled around and we went back to work.

And then there were the holidays, which were always a hot mess.

[Ivaros]

Yep, we would always fight on weekends. Typically during the week she was better behaved. I hated my job at the time but I was always thrilled when Monday rolled around and we went back to work.

And then there were the holidays, which were always a hot mess.

The holidays, or all your spare time to be exact. Is a very inviting thing to manipulate for them.

Not one day goes by without a arguing or a fight. It's even worse when you're actually enjoying your free time.

[Bak86]

Yup my ex would go nuts during the weekends as well. Especially when she was away at her parents house. I dunno what happened there, but she would say she had hard time going back to the city to see me. It put a lot of stress on her. Yeah, i was such a handful... . 

[EaglesJuju]

Yup my ex would go nuts during the weekends as well. Especially when she was away at her parents house. I dunno what happened there, but she would say she had hard time going back to the city to see me. It put a lot of stress on her. Yeah, i was such a handful... . 

I can totally relate to you.  My uBPDbf got really nutty when he came back from visits with his family.  I would think the same thing, what happened when he went there?   

[Nomad1027]

I cannot really recall any specific patterns in weekly drama.  My r/s was a long distance one, so I was not really there to see the day-to-day issues she dealt with.

What I can tell you is that there was definitely a patterns before and after visits.  Between visits she would get anxious until we purchased the plane ticket.  Once she had a date to look forward to, she was happy.  Before visits she would get excited and was upbeat.  As soon as we were separated again, there would be a crash and she would become withdrawn for a few days.  She didn't go into hiding, but she would get down and not be as communicative.

There was also a pattern of high stress events every three to six months. Also, whenever something would happen that drew us especially close, she would say she couldn't keep going with the long distance and would go into what she called "survival mode" where she would try to pull way back or break it off.  We walked back from breaking up 3 times before the final time.

The final time she didn't want to talk about it anymore because she said I would convince her to stay again.

It is strange now, looking back, and seeing the patterns and a certain predictable cadence.  It is morbidly fascinating.

[Pingo]

Holidays and vacations!  Almost every single one ruined!  The last time it happened I was stuck in another province with him and had to drive with a silent rager for 12 hrs.  I said after that I would never go on vacation with him again without driving myself.  It never came to that, I ended it before that happened.

[goldylamont]

something really odd, but during the first couple of months of dating my ex would get irrationally mad, every Friday when we were supposed to hang out. she claimed that she was always coming to my house after work and that i should come see her. i kind of stay aware of these things in r/s and i'm fine doing 50/50 as far as where we stay... .the first time she got mad i just went and saw her, no problem with that. but then, inevitably it happened again--i remember being on the phone and telling her straight up "how can this be that you come to see me more? the last four Fridays i was at your house 3 out of 4 times. i know this because i've kept track because i see this pattern... ." i forget how it ended, it stopped being an issue with us i think perhaps she gave up after a while.

but what's odd is that i never expected this--four years later after we break up, we're talking on the phone and she starts talking about how she's frustrated with her new bf. she claims she always goes to his house (it was a Friday) and he never spends time at hers? and i mean this guy was so attached to her he was completely wrapped around her finger i'm sure that this was untrue. i just kind of laughed to myself, it was like some dark comedy i knew this guy was in for it.

[fred6]

Holidays and vacations!  Almost every single one ruined!  The last time it happened I was stuck in another province with him and had to drive with a silent rager for 12 hrs.  I said after that I would never go on vacation with him again without driving myself.  It never came to that, I ended it before that happened.

I was waiting for someone to say vacations. Soo stressful... .

[Flora73]

Mine lost it on Wednesdays?

Every breakup was on a wednesday... .Just after my daughter goes to her mums home.

Mine was super jealous of the attention I gave my daughter... .

So sad... .

[freedom33]

The weirdest thing was.

Whenever i felt happy or relaxed. She began to make trouble and starting fights.

I didn't even had to admit it.


If she saw that i was happy. She needed to have a break down on that precise moment.

As if i wasn't allowed to be happy.

That 's it. I recall clearly how there were two modes of being in the rs after the honeymoon. It was either I would be happy and she would be feeling bad, or I would be feeling bad and she would be happy. Basically a constant power struggle where it 's only a win/lose or lose/win. No co-operation or negotiation. That made me wonder at the time. There are 5 relationship stages.

The Honeymoon Stage

The Power Struggle Stage

The Stability Stage

The Commitment Stage

The Co-Creation Stage

The problem with relationships w pwBPD, is that they never progress from the power struggle stage. They only go to honeymoon ---> power struggle --> break up ----> honeymoon ---> power struggle ---> break up ---> ad infinitum as they are changing partners or recycle.

[Infern0]

something really odd, but during the first couple of months of dating my ex would get irrationally mad, every Friday when we were supposed to hang out. she claimed that she was always coming to my house after work and that i should come see her. i kind of stay aware of these things in r/s and i'm fine doing 50/50 as far as where we stay... .the first time she got mad i just went and saw her, no problem with that. but then, inevitably it happened again--i remember being on the phone and telling her straight up "how can this be that you come to see me more? the last four Fridays i was at your house 3 out of 4 times. i know this because i've kept track because i see this pattern... ." i forget how it ended, it stopped being an issue with us i think perhaps she gave up after a while.

but what's odd is that i never expected this--four years later after we break up, we're talking on the phone and she starts talking about how she's frustrated with her new bf. she claims she always goes to his house (it was a Friday) and he never spends time at hers? and i mean this guy was so attached to her he was completely wrapped around her finger i'm sure that this was untrue. i just kind of laughed to myself, it was like some dark comedy i knew this guy was in for it.

She used to stay at mine every time,  she would always be flipping her flatmates between black and white (I didn't know why at the time) i kind of made light of it, one minute they were such good people and so inspirational, the next she was scared to go home because they were "so mean" to her. but it seemed her home life was unhappy so I told her my place was her place and she was always welcome.  It didn't become a problem until devaluation,  then it was "you never come and see me,  I always have to come to you"

I told her she had never INVITED me,  I didn't even know where her place was other than the rough area.  I said well if you want me to come over just tell me and I'll be happy to. 

"It's too late now"

[maric]

The weirdest thing was.

Whenever i felt happy or relaxed. She began to make trouble and starting fights.

I didn't even had to admit it.


If she saw that i was happy. She needed to have a break down on that precise moment.

As if i wasn't allowed to be happy.

That 's it. I recall clearly how there were two modes of being in the rs after the honeymoon. It was either I would be happy and she would be feeling bad, or I would be feeling bad and she would be happy. Basically a constant power struggle where it 's only a win/lose or lose/win. No co-operation or negotiation. That made me wonder at the time. There are 5 relationship stages.

The Honeymoon Stage

The Power Struggle Stage

The Stability Stage

The Commitment Stage

The Co-Creation Stage

The problem with relationships w pwBPD, is that they never progress from the power struggle stage. They only go to honeymoon ---> power struggle --> break up ----> honeymoon ---> power struggle ---> break up ---> ad infinitum as they are changing partners or recycle.

Agreed, I have noticed that already too... .forever in the power struggle stage.

[rockinne]

Come to think of it, Friday always was the day for the drama to start for us too.  Then spent the weekend trying to patch things.  Always had to devote my entire weekends to her needs.  Interesting perspective that I probably just accepted but without realizing it until this thread pointed it out. 

[Deeno02]

Yep. Her and her damn neighbor fed off each other. Plus her fibro BS and xanax popping. Started getting stupid when my daughter, who loved her like a mother, moved back home to attend a college closer to home. Called my daughter a cock block and then  as we broke up and i tried to get her back, she said save my words for the next girl or your wife Molly (my daughter). I never once said anything about her 5 kids crawling all over me when we tried to be alone, never. Trying be intimate when there were 5 kids in the house was a problem. Never thoughg she would get jealous of my daughter, but yet i still wanted her... still do.

[Nomad1027]

Yep. Her and her damn neighbor fed off each other. Plus her fibro BS and xanax popping. Started getting stupid when my daughter, who loved her like a mother, moved back home to attend a college closer to home. Called my daughter a cock block and then  as we broke up and i tried to get her back, she said save my words for the next girl or your wife Molly (my daughter). I never once said anything about her 5 kids crawling all over me when we tried to be alone, never. Trying be intimate when there were 5 kids in the house was a problem. Never thoughg she would get jealous of my daughter, but yet i still wanted her... still do.

Good to see I am not alone here.  My daughter is 21 and just finished college.  My UxBPDgf would bristle every time my daughter was brought up in the conversation.  She seemed to have some kind of rivalry going on with her that only she knew about. She never said anything bad about her, but I could visibly see her tense up when we talked about my daughter and my relationship with her.

I spoke to an informed person about this.  They said it is likely that my UxBPDgf felt threatened by my daughter and that if anyone could "take me away" from my her, my daughter could.  I was told that I was fortunate.  Over time, she probably would have (subconsciously) tried to drive a wedge between my daughter and I, as a way to ensure that all my focus and attention was on her and not on my daughter.

[maric]

mine sometimes was jealous of my dog... .

[Whiteytheox72]

monday- the shame at the realization of what she did

tuesday- somewhat lucid and human

weds- funny and trolling social media. The charmer

Thurs- the crisis starts so does the drinking

fri- nowhere to be found (drunk and fornicating with whomever) Therapy and counseling with holistic healer cousin (weed and incest)

Sat- Drunken accusations and tears over the phone

sun- slinking home near death hngover eyes full of tears stinking of sex and liquor

[Pieter2]

mine sometimes was jealous of my dog... .

Mine was jealous of my pool! No, really. We used to sit outside and talk so that she can babbel on for hours and the minute I talked about anything of mine, she would throw a fit. So when we sit outside I would clean the pool over weekends (Takes about 10 mins) - She would be enraged at me "always" cleaning the pool and would say that the pool takes away too much of my attention. Seriously? I can't clean a pool for 5-10mins whilst talking. No, I am probably going to cheat on her with my pool! Haha.

[Ivaros]

mine sometimes was jealous of my dog... .

It can be crazy. My ex was jealous because my dog got a more nice approach for feeding time...

Like wth?

[Whiteytheox72]

Mine would go into a rage because I call one of my cats "Best" totally honest

[Mutt]

but what's odd is that i never expected this--four years later after we break up, we're talking on the phone and she starts talking about how she's frustrated with her new bf. she claims she always goes to his house (it was a Friday) and he never spends time at hers? and i mean this guy was so attached to her he was completely wrapped around her finger i'm sure that this was untrue. i just kind of laughed to myself, it was like some dark comedy i knew this guy was in for it.

I was with mine for 7 years. Every year around Oct she would start to get engulfed and I knew the rages were going to get worst from Oct to Dec and by Jan I was either kicked out of the house or I would leave and stay with family.

I'm an Even Steven type of guy, very relaxed and calm, and she would point her finger at me around Oct and say "Mutt, you get like this every time of the year!" I was so confused   as to what she meant because it was her that was acting out. I had thought maybe it's me that has seasonal depression or something? Do I have a problem I'm not aware of?

Having said that, I started seeing this pattern over several years and I knew when she would project in the Fall, things were going to get worst and they did. I would feel anxiety when the summer ended because I knew it was coming.

So by the holidays in Dec it was severe borderline rages and sometimes daily. By New Year's I would be kicked out or have no choice but to leave because she kept at me and in front of the kids.

As I said I would stay with family, she would ask me when I was coming back, usually after a week. I took the time outs for space for myself. So I would try to stay away as long as possible. When I returned home it was idealization for a few weeks and then it would go back to devaluation.

[enlighten me]

Hi Mutt

Did you ever figure out what triggered her at that time of year? This is one of the things I find fascinating with pwBPD is trying to figure out what the underlying triggers are.

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt

Did you ever figure out what triggered her at that time of year? This is one of the things I find fascinating with pwBPD is trying to figure out what the underlying triggers are.

I never did.

My best theory, it was some sort of seasonal transference. I say transference because the rages felt at times like they were not directed at me. It felt like it was directed at a parent or something else.

From what I know is that her mother had her when she was young. She was 18 and could not take care of her or didn't. I don't know what the motivation behind it was. My ex had always spoken of her grandmother as if she was her mother.

Her grandmother was her primary caretaker until she was 2 years old. Her grandfather was mean, an alcoholic and she stayed with him as well. Having said that, I believe that there is BPD on her side of the family. The grandfather I'm not sure that I buy it. He may of been split black for all I know considering the sources. There are two sides to every story. He passed away at 86.

At my wedding, she told my brother she had been sexually abused   She had never disclosed sexual abuse to me. I have a feeling something like that happened because ex FIL has mentioned something, a family friend did something to her when she was young. It's the elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about.

I think this pattern is related to either staying at her grandparents (something happened in the fall?) or sexual abuse happened during that time of the year. That's my best theory.

Like clockwork I still get anxiety in the fall after the break-up because I expect the denigrations and rages. 2 years post break-up.

[enlighten me]

My exgf wasn't triggered by an anniversary but there was some deep secret that she alluded to but never told me that triggered her. She was claustrophobic and said that her step dad was strict. Im not sure if this is her trigger and that maybe her stepdad used to shut her in a cupboard or something. Still trying to figure it out but will probably never know the truth.

[Mutt]

My exgf wasn't triggered by an anniversary but there was some deep secret that she alluded to but never told me that triggered her. She was claustrophobic and said that her step dad was strict. Im not sure if this is her trigger and that maybe her stepdad used to shut her in a cupboard or something. Still trying to figure it out but will probably never know the truth.

I agree. I can say that I don't think that I'll ever get the truth. I'm speculating from the bits of information that I do have from the ex. I see BPD traits in her family. The grandfather being split black and leaving his wife (50+ marriage) and moving out and into a retirement home. My ex MIL is waifish. I see   's in her FOO after the break-up. Things I didn't pay attention to at the beginning or during the r/s.

My ex is not self-aware and doesn't understand that she is sick. I'm split black, if and when I get split white I'm not going back to find out the truth or ask

[Lion Fire]

there were a few noticeable patterns:

1. disregulation almost always kicked off on a Thursday

2. there would always be a problem after she/we visited her parents... .eventually I would get the blame and there would be a fight. This was normally on a Friday night (her father) and Saturday night (her Mother)

3. she would terrorise me on Monday mornings... .I dreaded Monday mornings, she was at her meanest - scared and desperate- that's when she would threaten me with stuff like throwing me out of her flat and also get really personal with her verbal abuse. She would catch me in bed just as my eyes opened... .

4. Sundays were usually chilled for some strange reason. More of a respite than true peace though.

5. as soon as she sensed I was confident in myself or I was getting attention from people (esp women), she would almost always get mean and nasty, making up crazy reasons to fight. This was boring

It's great not having to ride this juggernaut of destruction any more