How long should I tolerate the silent treatment?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey there BPD family,

I have somewhat of a conundrum.  My uBPDbf left three weeks ago, to move across the country to get help for his problems.  I was excited that he was finally getting the help he needs.  He assured me that he loves me, wants to marry me, and fully intends on returning.  Also, he asked me if I want to move to where he is (I wrote a post on that a couple of days ago).  I ultimately decided that it would be a terrible idea, because I would be without support.   Since he left, he is primarily speaking to me through texts. He really only responds, with "I love you."  On Friday, I decided to call him to let him know that I am willing to continue to work on our relationship.  He was thrilled that I am so supportive and want to continue the relationship.  We texted on Saturday and he was so loving.  I texted him Sunday, and he texted me saying, "He needed time and space to work on himself.  He is upset every time we talk, because it is so fresh, painful, and he misses me.  He needs some time to calm down and that he loves me.  "  I said, "Okay, whenever you are ready, you can call me."  I am assuming he is avoiding me, because he is not ready to deal with all his problems he left behind here (me).  He never has painted me completely black before, he tends to internalize all his feelings and emotions and project blame on himself.  I am trying to be understanding of his "space," but his disregard for my feelings is absolutely childish and selfish.  I know I do not deserve this treatment and he should not have an indefinite amount of time to contact me.  The main question is how much time should I give him before I make the decision to move on? This is so frustrating!  I would appreciate any feedback.  Thank you.   

[EaglesJuju]

Hey there BPD family,

I have somewhat of a conundrum.  My uBPDbf left three weeks ago, to move across the country to get help for his problems.  I was excited that he was finally getting the help he needs.  He assured me that he loves me, wants to marry me, and fully intends on returning.  Also, he asked me if I want to move to where he is (I wrote a post on that a couple of days ago).  I ultimately decided that it would be a terrible idea, because I would be without support.   Since he left, he is primarily speaking to me through texts. He really only responds, with "I love you."  On Friday, I decided to call him to let him know that I am willing to continue to work on our relationship.  He was thrilled that I am so supportive and want to continue the relationship.  We texted on Saturday and he was so loving.  I texted him Sunday, and he texted me saying, "He needed time and space to work on himself.  He is upset every time we talk, because it is so fresh, painful, and he misses me.  He needs some time to calm down and that he loves me.  "  I said, "Okay, whenever you are ready, you can call me."  I am assuming he is avoiding me, because he is not ready to deal with all his problems he left behind here (me).  He never has painted me completely black before, he tends to internalize all his feelings and emotions and project blame on himself.  I am trying to be understanding of his "space," but his disregard for my feelings is absolutely childish and selfish.  I know I do not deserve this treatment and he should not have an indefinite amount of time to contact me.  The main question is how much time should I give him before I make the decision to move on? This is so frustrating!  I would appreciate any feedback.  Thank you.   

[hurting300]

  don't give him long with it. Because if he realizes silent treatment bothers you it'll be his choice weapon against you. Text him and you tell him he's not a child and when he decides to grow up call.

[drummerboy]

Mature people in mature relationships do not do "silent treatment" Yes, he has mental illness but it might time to let him go and get the help he needs. How long are you prepared to wait for him to decide, or not decide? My ex wanted the "need space" turns out she was just getting up the courage to end it. At most, I would tell him that "I'll give you all the space you need, I'm going to get on with my life as I'm not waiting around for someone to decide if they want me or not" There is a meme going around that says, "If you are being treated like an option, help that person decide by removing yourself as an option"

BPD r/s are just so much bs. Real r/s are much simpler, no guessing, no wondering, two people that are just happy to be with each other.

[hurting300]

Mature people in mature relationships do not do "silent treatment" Yes, he has mental illness but it might time to let him go and get the help he needs. How long are you prepared to wait for him to decide, or not decide? My ex wanted the "need space" turns out she was just getting up the courage to end it. At most, I would tell him that "I'll give you all the space you need, I'm going to get on with my life as I'm not waiting around for someone to decide if they want me or not" There is a meme going around that says, "If you are being treated like an option, help that person decide by removing yourself as an option"

BPD r/s are just so much bs. Real r/s are much simpler, no guessing, no wondering, two people that are just happy to be with each other.

Right... .MATURE people talk it out. Dump the guy. Listen, I know you care and love him... read all the stories on here... you won't find a good one.

[EaglesJuju]

don't give him long with it. Because if he realizes silent treatment bothers you it'll be his choice weapon against you. Text him and you tell him he's not a child and when he decides to grow up call.

Oh he knows the silent treatment is my Achilles heel . I know he is seriously dysregulating at the moment and that is the type of text I want to send him, but I know that if I do, he will spiral further. 

[hurting300]

I have an old old saying: if the relationship makes you have to seek advise on a forum it's not worth it.

[drummerboy]

Totally agree with you hurting300! Looking back now I realise how full of drama the r/s with my ex was. One crisis after another. Normal relationships with normal people are not like that. In a normal relationship you are not constantly wondering what the hell is going on, you just like being together. The drama of a r/s with a pwBPD can be a bit exciting but ultimately it is not sustainable. Peace and calm is what we should be after. I was sick of being a fireman putting out one fire only to see two more fires spring up. It was all about her and her crap, the only thing she really gave me was her body, emotionally I was malnourished.

I have an old old saying: if the relationship makes you have to seek advise on a forum it's not worth it.

[hurting300]

And let's not forget the smear campaign they do to us when they go silent.

[Lucky One]

Hi EaglesJuju,

So Sorry to hear about this silent treatment you're getting.

I'm going through the same, right now, and she's been my uBPDw for 32 years. Been together for 38 years.

This particular silent treatment episode, has lasted 3 months so far!

I only really found out about these Personality Disorders when I came across this site a month ago.

NOW, I know what's going on. Before I was in the FOG. Completely dazed!

It's terrible and horrible. BUT, it's going to come to an end soon. The marriage.

Specialized medical help hasn't really helped her over the last year. She just cannot see or acknowledged that there is something seriously wrong. I get blamed and accused falsely for everything imaginable.

These posts of the other members here are TRUE. Thanks guys. You're helping me to see, what I'm dealing with.

It's hard to accept, but I'm working through everything on this website, so that I can make an informed and balanced decision, on the way forward. I'm busy working on detaching, which is so, so hard to do after 38 years in the relationship. Also I'm not a youngster anymore.

I guess we've all got major, massive and hurtful decisions to make. But it cannot carry on. First, we've just got to get to grips with the intense emotions we feel. One cannot bypass these!

[EaglesJuju]

Thank you for the advice, Hurting, Bauie, and Lucky One.    Yes, I know a relationship with him is highly dysfunctional and destructive.  I do have the common sense and self-esteem to know, that I can find someone who will not treat me like this, that I am worthy of someone who can selflessly love me. I know that he does not deserve my love and I am too good for him.  I believe my true problem is a feeling of guilt.  I never "gave up" on someone before.  I have been surrounding by mental illness my entire life and currently working on a Phd in clinical psychology.  My mother has severe mental illness.  I have always tolerated her abuse and forgave her, knowing that her behavior was caused by mental illness.  I tend to see the "good" in people, always forgiving and trying to understand their behavior.  This is who I am, and I love this personality trait.  One of his biggest fears, is being rejecting and abandoned.   I did promise him that I would never give up and be there for him. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I am breaking my promise, although, he is currently rejecting and discarding me. 

[hurting300]

Borderlines don't discard. They flee. He is fleeing from you. Something triggered him.

[Skip]

He may be overloaded and needing space.  Why not give it to him?  You'll know pretty soon.

As the two of you are apart, it is also an opportunity to think about what you want.  Under what conditions this works for you.

How long will be be gone.

[Indyan]

I'm shocked at all the negative comments here, such as "leave him" etc.

Eagles, he DOES deserve your love, everyone deserves love.

My BPD has left me and been silent lots of times, not always for the same reasons, it appeared later.

Sometimes because he was feeling "empty", full of doubts, depressed.

Sometimes because he was angry (when I told him it was over) and wanted to punish me.

Sometimes because he was angry (no "good" reason) and was afraid of dysregulating more.

Sometimes because he was ashamed of his bad behaviour.

Etc.

I've managed to contact him a few times, essentially by communicating on non-sensitive subjects (i.e non emotional). Talking about job opportunities, common interests we enjoy talking about, neutral stuff like that.

NOTHING that could mean pressure (questions, future, past, love, behaviours, therapy... .).

Show him you're there and you care.

Life with a BPD is a tough one.

But we can make it.

You'd better post in "staying" for positive advice from now on.  

[EaglesJuju]

He may be overloaded and needing space.  Why not give it to him?  You'll know pretty soon.

As the two of you are apart, it is also an opportunity to think about what you want.  Under what conditions this works for you.

How long will be be gone.

I do know that he is overloaded at the moment, especially with his texts describing his "emotional instability." Rationally, I know that talking to him now, is essentially like talking to a 5 year-old.  I do want to give him space, but not an indefinite amount of time. The silent treatment triggers all of my own dependency issues, which I have been working on for a year with my therapist.    Ultimately, I do know I would be fine without him, but I do know I am emotionally capable of continuing the relationship. When he first left, he told me he would be back around February.  Now that he is dysregulating, he does not know. 

[hurting300]

I'm shocked at all the negative comments here, such as "leave him" etc.

Eagles, he DOES deserve your love, everyone deserves love.

My BPD has left me and been silent lots of times, not always for the same reasons, it appeared later.

Sometimes because he was feeling "empty", full of doubts, depressed.

Sometimes because he was angry (when I told him it was over) and wanted to punish me.

Sometimes because he was angry (no "good" reason) and was afraid of dysregulating more.

Sometimes because he was ashamed of his bad behaviour.

Etc.

I've managed to contact him a few times, essentially by communicating on non-sensitive subjects (i.e non emotional). Talking about job opportunities, common interests we enjoy talking about, neutral stuff like that.

NOTHING that could mean pressure (questions, future, past, love, behaviours, therapy... .).

Show him you're there and you care.

Life with a BPD is a tough one.

But we can make it.

You'd better post in "staying" for positive advice from now on.  

No, negative would be staying with someone that believes it's ok to act like a child and pretty much ignore someone. My life would have been almost perfect had I known about BPD in the beginning. I respect her for staying i do. But you will not find a good ending anywhere on this site.

[Indyan]

But you will not find a good ending anywhere on this site.

How about this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.10

Hurting, I know your story, and it's a tough one... .having a baby in such a situation, I can understand it drives you crazy and I understand your anger.

But maybe you haven't tried everything you could with your BPDex. I'm not finding excuses for BPD behaviours, I just mean they are different from us, totally. Trying to interpret their behaviour and judging leads nowhere.

From my experience (and lots of BPD partners I've been communicating with on a regular basis), it's the non who should contact the BPD, it won't work the other way round. Not that it's fair, or that it makes any sense, it's just the way it is. They are just incapable of doing it. I do believe you should do anything you can to contact that woman. Try new ways, not with anger or anything negative. You must do something. You can't stay like that, away from your baby.

Have you sent her messages to show you care about the baby?

[Lucky One]

But you will not find a good ending anywhere on this site.

How about this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.10

I enjoyed, reading all the positive and successful stories. Quite a few good endings, as well!Very Inspirational.

Staying positive, in these situations I think, is extremely important. How does one really do this properly, when you're feeling sad and angry and even helpless and confused, from the continuous "verbal" and "silent treatment" abuse? And even guilty of breaking a promise - "I promise I'll help you with "YOUR" problem". You know, sort it out ... .etc.

BUT, I haven't sorted MINE out, yet! That's the thing!

It's back to the drawing board I guess, to find out! How do you find YOUR OWN peace of mind and calm, whilst living under these extremely "heart sore" difficult circumstances?

If one can SOMEHOW remove oneself from the pain one is feeling, even just for a while, perhaps one's thinking will be become clearer.


.

He may be overloaded and needing space.  Why not give it to him?  You'll know pretty soon.

As the two of you are apart, it is also an opportunity to think about what you want.  Under what conditions this works for you.

How long will he be gone.

I really like this - "Thinking about what you want" and "under what conditions this will work for you". A very good place to start, I think.

[Indyan]

Yes, LuckyOne, you're very right.

We need to shield ourselves in order to be able to remain a little bit positive.

To not get sucked into THEIR chaos and negativity.

It's a difficult exercise, balancing between caring and moving away.

[Lucky One]

Yes, LuckyOne, you're very right.

We need to shield ourselves in order to be able to remain a little bit positive.

To not get sucked into THEIR chaos and negativity.

It's a difficult exercise, balancing between caring and moving away.

THANKS, for that. Really.  I'm going to go and get a BIG shield!

I've just got too involved with uBPDw chaos and negativity, but not surprising after sharing our lives together for 38 years. It was / is a REALLY close relationship. But NOT healthy, I think.

Too much being happy from someone else being happy - I suppose this is reasonably normal for us humans - we like our partners to be happy with us.

If they're NOT, we can become miserable and sad. Doesn't make sense, if one thinks about it - carefully!

[Indyan]

38 years?

How did you cope?

[Lucky One]

38 years?

How did you cope?

Through IGNORANCE. And I'm tough, I had a very bad childhood. Really I'm NOT joking!

I did NOT know that there was such a thing as Personality Disorders until about a month ago, when I became a member of this site.!

I kept getting accused of things (mainly jealously) - I ":)EFINITELY KNEW" I was innocent of. That's what got me thinking. It wasn't just normal straight forward "jealously" that we all experience sometimes, I suppose. These accusations were distorted and untrue of the actual facts.

The accusations become RAGES - The one this last Saturday was for the whole day. She now knows NOT to bring it to me, but I can see she's really suffering and battling with it.

I dare not say anything, NOT even ask what's wrong - I'll be annihilated verbally. So because I don't ask what's the matter anymore, I get the silent treatment, instead.

Which is preferable. Even if it is abuse, and attempted controlling tactics of a type. Used to hurt a lot - DEEP into the soul - Really - Ouch! But now slowly getting to handle it a lot better. I still worry though, where's this is all going to end. Things are still very unpredictable at the moment

I'm turning 65 end November, I met my wife when I was 27 years old, she was 17, blue eyed and blonde and "Oh so VERY pretty".

Needless to say I was TOTALLY bowled over by her. Oh man, completely! TRANCE like!

You know, the type you'll do anything for! Climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest see, surrender your whole inner being to -- YOU KNOW? -- It's the REAL THING - TRUE LOVE ? -- And LOVING it.

Until something changes. Then it's NOT so true anymore.

It becomes a living Hell. If you're NOT careful, you are definitely going to BURN. SCORCHED!

Most of the many years past, I thought I was the "PROBLEM" maker in the relationship and marriage, because of my bad childhood. I NEVER saw her as the problem maker. She told me I was the problem.

And guess what - I believed her! Why? Because I did create some of the problems - perhaps too many - but I was not the only one. She played a BIG part, too. I see that clearer to-day.

And MASSIVE DECISIONS and FUTURE PATHS still have to be determined.

At my age - it's diabolically cruel, really. To FIND some MEANING to it, is still rather difficult at this point in time.

I read a lot - about 400 pages per week - so I'm learning a lot of new things, everyday on this site. Some I've already put into practice.

But I still think she's going to have to do something, learn something, learn to better cope with her imaginations, personal hurt, angry rages, face her demons, whatever they are, and learn to TRUST her partner of 38 years. 33 years married.

Loyal & Faithful & Love & Support & Empathy, etc. and etc. and etc. - is NOT enough for her!

Feel free to read my profile - the first two postings and thanks for your input.

Finally just remember, there's TWO SIDES, to every story. Also it's only a selected summary of events as I see them. There's always a bigger story to be told.

I've read some of your other postings on other members postings. Really helpful - Thanks.

[Indyan]

Now that you're aware of BPD, do you want to stay or leave her?

You say "it's a living hell" (I've been living with BPDh for 2years and I can't cope), don't you want to let go?

And maybe get a chance at another type of r/s? Or do you think "We've survived all this, it shows our love is stronger than BPD"?

[hurting300]

But you will not find a good ending anywhere on this site.

How about this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.10

Hurting, I know your story, and it's a tough one... .having a baby in such a situation, I can understand it drives you crazy and I understand your anger.

But maybe you haven't tried everything you could with your BPDex. I'm not finding excuses for BPD behaviours, I just mean they are different from us, totally. Trying to interpret their behaviour and judging leads nowhere.

From my experience (and lots of BPD partners I've been communicating with on a regular basis), it's the non who should contact the BPD, it won't work the other way round. Not that it's fair, or that it makes any sense, it's just the way it is. They are just incapable of doing it. I do believe you should do anything you can to contact that woman. Try new ways, not with anger or anything negative. You must do something. You can't stay like that, away from your baby.

Have you sent her messages to show you care about the baby?

Trust me if I knew how to find her i would, it's as if she has vanished into thin air. I am very angry but I still love my ex girlfriend very much. Maybe I can catch her driving by again.

[Indyan]

Trust me if I knew how to find her i would, it's as if she has vanished into thin air. I am very angry but I still love my ex girlfriend very much. Maybe I can catch her driving by again.

Vanished? Oh Lord... .

You don't know her family either?

How about the baby? Is it born?

Have you tried anything legally?

[hurting300]

I know this sounds crazy... but I was with her for two years almost and only met her sister and mother, my ex was always talking about how they mistreated her so we didn't get along. Now I realize she was pitting us against each other. And yes I have a great attorney and detective. And still nothing. She just drives miles out of her way to "check up" on me. I just don't get how you can pretend everything is fine all day then disappear never to be heard from again. It's like she is running from danger.

[Indyan]

I know this sounds crazy... but I was with her for two years almost and only met her sister and mother, my ex was always talking about how they mistreated her so we didn't get along. Now I realize she was pitting us against each other. And yes I have a great attorney and detective. And still nothing. She just drives miles out of her way to "check up" on me. I just don't get how you can pretend everything is fine all day then disappear never to be heard from again. It's like she is running from danger.

My BPD ran away from me when I was 4 months pregnant. Suddenly, after a petty comment. He said "You'll be in the sht without me, God help you, I'm leaving you".

It was so unbelievably cruel  :'( :'( :'(

A few days later I sent him a message describing what I felt, my fear, the horror.

He answered "I can't read the whole message, it's too hard." (What the heck? come back then!) and a few days later he sent "I'm thinking of you, of baby, and it's so hard to be away from you" (What the heck repetita!)

A week or so later, one night I had an anxiety crisis (in those my heart starts to beat irregularly) and my heart stopped. My baby kicked me in my tummy as if to resuscitate me. I phoned BPD in panic, he freaked out and came back.

If I hadn't called him, I'm not even sure today he'd have come back.

In MC last Saturday he said he shouldn't have come back when he left the first time (that was just before I got pregnant).

And I'm 100% sure he told his family that I was keeping him away from his baby and blah blah.

Your ex must also say (and believe!) that you're the bad guy in the story. You kicked her out even, and now she's alone... .

How come there's no way to get to to her? She changed her phone number too?

There's no friend of hers you can contact? No workplace? Do you know where her mother or sister live?

How about baby? Do you know anything? Is it born?

[hurting300]

Yes she changed her number. Yes I know where the mom lives, because she kicked my ex out i had to help her move. I don't think I'll ever see them again. I mean i was catching her in lies before the disappearing act... and I was fed up with her sleeping till noon and not trying.

[Indyan]

Yes she changed her number. Yes I know where the mom lives, because she kicked my ex out i had to help her move. I don't think I'll ever see them again. I mean i was catching her in lies before the disappearing act... and I was fed up with her sleeping till noon and not trying.

I'm sorry but I don't get this. Pregnancy makes women feel very sleepy, especially in the beginning.

Maybe you didn't treat her well in this respect.

If you know where her mother lives, then you can contact her through her 

[Lucky One]

Now that you're aware of BPD, do you want to stay or leave her?

You say "it's a living hell" (I've been living with BPDh for 2years and I can't cope), don't you want to let go?

And maybe get a chance at another type of r/s? Or do you think "We've survived all this, it shows our love is stronger than BPD"?

I think you and Hurting300 are great guys!

You're going through so much yourselves, and surviving. Fantastic.

LOVE is a MOST peculiar thing. Some of us, will always try to sort things out to the bitter end. Others not.

At this stage, I don't think that love is stronger than BPD. I feel it's NO CONTEST.

You know, I've found out that we all have some of these different personality disorders and / or  traits, to varying degrees.

Some within the norm, some not. Every single one of us. Sorry to say, but it's true.

We speak mainly of BPD and NPD and one or two others. But there are others such as paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive and some others.

Interpreting them correctly is vital and critical in finding a solution. So for instance, if you or your partner, have one or even more than one of them together, and you don't know which one or more,  or deny that you have anything wrong, but in actual fact you do, the problem will NEVER be resolved.

It's NOT possible to sort something out, if you don't actually know, WHAT it is, you are trying to sort out, when it comes to these disorders.

And my own experience and what I've learnt on this site and others, shows that those with these disorders will DENY that there's anything wrong. It's one of their main DEFENCE mechanisms. So how do you resolve - DENIAL.

So for instance, if one classifies oneself as antisocial, this from my learning does not mean that one is a loner. It only means that one has a tendency to be insensitive towards others. So if one knows this about oneself, how EASY is it then to work on being a little bit more sensitive to the feeling of others! IF you don't know - you can't sort anything out - IMPOSSIBLE.

Let's just take this one step further. The core issue with a pwBPD is their inability to regulate their emotions, leading to or contributing to an instability in interpersonal relationships, more than normal impulsiveness, self image problems, etc. Most experts will also add, the pwBPD terrible fear of being abandoned. Yet they could abandoned us!

If the pwBPD cannot or will not accept that they have a personality disorder - there is no way to fix or treat it. There is no miraculous cure. You have to do something to treat it. But you have to recognise and accept first. Period.

That's where my uBPDw is at the moment - Denial.

I'm basically preparing myself to leave. But this also, is very hard to do. Especially after 38 years.

   





!

[hurting300]

Yes she changed her number. Yes I know where the mom lives, because she kicked my ex out i had to help her move. I don't think I'll ever see them again. I mean i was catching her in lies before the disappearing act... and I was fed up with her sleeping till noon and not trying.

I'm sorry but I don't get this. Pregnancy makes women feel very sleepy, especially in the beginning.

Maybe you didn't treat her well in this respect.

If you know where her mother lives, then you can contact her through her 

oh no I did during pregnancy, our baby is a year old now. She had all the help she needed.