If you ever doubt this is a disorder...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am so profoundly appreciative by the grace of God or the universe or whatever force bought me here to this site last year,  in the depth of deep despair after being abandoned by my expBPD.   I kept saying to myself and all that would listen,  that this whole thing made no sense.

I  am a person that needs to understand and conceptualize things.  A little scholarly that way maybe.

If I had not found this family of incredible support, learned, read, researched, confirmed, and truly accepted that this is indeed, a very serious mental disorder that we cannot undo... .with love... .I would be entirely back on that toxic roller coaster and continually confused by this entire ordeal. 

I will say with truth until the end of time, as many of you here may as well, that I loved my ex with all of my heart. Disordered. All of it. I loved him and I would have stood by him, and I did stand by him, through much.

He was my best friend. For what feels like forever.  Full knowing of the disorder... .he really was my very best friend for years.

I am being baited currently.

Its textbook BPD.

Our r/s ended almost 15 mos ago when he left me overnight.  For the first 6 mos I was debilitated.

I had no idea of BPD.

Traumatized. Shocked.

I went back a few times for attempted closure which delivered the most hurtful devaluations and subsequent quick splitting ever. 

I didn't know what was happening. What had happened. I just knew I loved him and he was gone. And I  missed him. Oh how I missed him.

My best friend. So very much.

I just wanted to hear his voice. Just wanted to merely see him.

We shared a r/s,  a life. 

Was just horrible how he took advantage of those heartbreaking moments to solely assure supply source and then dump my hard. On my head. A day later.

Now, he comes around every 4 mos  to bait. Ridiculous things like drive bys. So textbook. 

I not only ignore him each time,  I am truly indifferent when I see him.

My heart beats a bit faster, bc i only knew love. For him.

But every one of you and your shared experiences and pain has helped me detach more and more and more.

Today, another baiting.  I thought to myself, this man whom I shared an incredibly deep r/s with can make  the time to drive miles out of his work day to do a drive by.  Yet, look what I to endure to understand.  To heal. To get back up.  To live again.

I ignored him as he pulled along side me today. Again.

This is such an incredible disorder.  So real. So defined. So incredibly sad for them.

I am so incredibly appreciative to walk this journey with you all. 

SO aware bc of you all.  So strong. 

Ppl. Are.  Just. Attachments.  To. Them.

Thank you family

[Caredverymuch]

I am so profoundly appreciative by the grace of God or the universe or whatever force bought me here to this site last year,  in the depth of deep despair after being abandoned by my expBPD.   I kept saying to myself and all that would listen,  that this whole thing made no sense.

I  am a person that needs to understand and conceptualize things.  A little scholarly that way maybe.

If I had not found this family of incredible support, learned, read, researched, confirmed, and truly accepted that this is indeed, a very serious mental disorder that we cannot undo... .with love... .I would be entirely back on that toxic roller coaster and continually confused by this entire ordeal. 

I will say with truth until the end of time, as many of you here may as well, that I loved my ex with all of my heart. Disordered. All of it. I loved him and I would have stood by him, and I did stand by him, through much.

He was my best friend. For what feels like forever.  Full knowing of the disorder... .he really was my very best friend for years.

I am being baited currently.

Its textbook BPD.

Our r/s ended almost 15 mos ago when he left me overnight.  For the first 6 mos I was debilitated.

I had no idea of BPD.

Traumatized. Shocked.

I went back a few times for attempted closure which delivered the most hurtful devaluations and subsequent quick splitting ever. 

I didn't know what was happening. What had happened. I just knew I loved him and he was gone. And I  missed him. Oh how I missed him.

My best friend. So very much.

I just wanted to hear his voice. Just wanted to merely see him.

We shared a r/s,  a life. 

Was just horrible how he took advantage of those heartbreaking moments to solely assure supply source and then dump my hard. On my head. A day later.

Now, he comes around every 4 mos  to bait. Ridiculous things like drive bys. So textbook. 

I not only ignore him each time,  I am truly indifferent when I see him.

My heart beats a bit faster, bc i only knew love. For him.

But every one of you and your shared experiences and pain has helped me detach more and more and more.

Today, another baiting.  I thought to myself, this man whom I shared an incredibly deep r/s with can make  the time to drive miles out of his work day to do a drive by.  Yet, look what I to endure to understand.  To heal. To get back up.  To live again.

I ignored him as he pulled along side me today. Again.

This is such an incredible disorder.  So real. So defined. So incredibly sad for them.

I am so incredibly appreciative to walk this journey with you all. 

SO aware bc of you all.  So strong. 

Ppl. Are.  Just. Attachments.  To. Them.

Thank you family

[freedom33]

It is tough when they show up in our lives, break NC, stir the waters and bring up the dark memories. There is a good amount of reminiscent pain that will remain in us due to these relationships. I think even if I see her after years I will still get a higher hearbeat and butterflies in my stomach (and not the good ones... .). You have done well Caredverymuch and you are on your way to full recovery and healing. 

[Deeno02]

Thank you. Those are wonderful words and I cling to all the family says on these posts and in the material. I was in a r/s for 16 months, 1 month into b/u and still devastated.  In a r/s one day, another guy the next. Literally.  10 days into NC and nothing from either one. I boycotted her birthday, I hope she does the same. I cringe leaving the house in fear of running into her and the replacement. It will happen eventually because she coaches my son in VB, few months till then though.  Strong words at the end: ppl are just attachments to them... .wow.

[Caredverymuch]

It is tough when they show up in our lives, break NC, stir the waters and bring up the dark memories. There is a good amount of reminiscent pain that will remain in us due to these relationships. I think even if I see her after years I will still get a higher hearbeat and butterflies in my stomach (and not the good ones... .). You have done well Caredverymuch and you are on your way to full recovery and healing. 

Thank you for your kind support freedom.  You have done well too.  You teach us a great deal here with your shared support.  I appreciate that what we give here.  Isn't it something how we arrive here. How much we have to let our feelings and hurt and despair really come to the surface here.  And, most especially, how very much each one of us truly understands how much we endured.  How traumatic this ordeal is. 

Thank you.

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you. Those are wonderful words and I cling to all the family says on these posts and in the material. I was in a r/s for 16 months, 1 month into b/u and still devastated.  In a r/s one day, another guy the next. Literally.  10 days into NC and nothing from either one. I boycotted her birthday, I hope she does the same. I cringe leaving the house in fear of running into her and the replacement. It will happen eventually because she coaches my son in VB, few months till then though.  Strong words at the end: ppl are just attachments to them... .wow.

Deeno, I am sending you a   . Im sorry you have to see your ex often.  Thats very difficult on the heart.  Especially with no closure.  And seeing how quickly they move on.

Despite the pain of this ordeal as well as just being left overnight by someone I loved with no closure, I really do feel sorry for them.  What a sad way to live.  How much they miss out on. How little they will ever know about love.  How false their lives are.

How they repeat the same patterns with ppl then circle back once their idealization mask bcomes too heavy and they push that new person away too.  The best they can do, is baiting.  And thats what they know of "love. "

I am glad that is not my life. 

I am glad I am not still in that r/s knowing what I know now.

Without trust in what we say and feel and show in genuine love for another and believing in the same.  What really is there to hold onto.   None of that exists in a r/s with a pBPD.

The family is here for you as you grow and heal. Im so sorry for your pain. No one deserves any if this.  No one.

[jayboy336]

I can relate to everything you have said. It is so hard to stay NC when you dont have closure or any answers on how someone who you saw as your soulmate can just move on so fast. I am very thankful for this website too as it provided me with much insight on what other people go through and their similarities and to know that I am not the only ones feeling what I feel. Be strong and hang in there!

[Deeno02]

Im coming to the conclusion that I was the replacement guy. Plain and simple. Got her through her divorce, got her through the death of her mother, got her through her alimony issues with ex, encouraged her in her career as coaching and now Im nobody. I dont think she loved me, I think she loved having someone who loved her and that was it. Nice... .

[Whiteytheox72]

Soul mate... .i had never heard or used the word until her. When I hear friend or love or soulmate now I want to vomit.

[Loveofhislife]

Im coming to the conclusion that I was the replacement guy. Plain and simple. Got her through her divorce, got her through the death of her mother, got her through her alimony issues with ex, encouraged her in her career as coaching and now Im nobody. I dont think she loved me, I think she loved having someone who loved her and that was it. Nice... .

Ditto to Deeno and so much love and light to you, CVM: my BPD Survivor "Soulmate"  . I too am so thankful for our family of survivors. Freedom; thank you for the light you shine on our paths.

I had an awareness in late July that literally shook me: it was unthinkable at the time as I came to the realization that he did not love me. And like Deeno, that was after helping navigate his final weeks in a halfway house; coordination with his newly assigned probation officer, reuniting with his two sons and parents post-prison sentence, help with an eviction and application for homeless benefits that landed him a new place with a great landlord (who he also betrayed), a protracted child support case in court, two job terminations, two re-hires (I was a reference, etc.) All the while, I funded his lifestyle and provided nearly every meal while he was "getting back on his feet." When he did land on his feet, he dumped me on my head. As Blissful Camper wrote in another thread: love=need for pwBPD. When he no longer perceived his need of me, he went ST and abandoned me. Never even a goodbye. Disordered? No doubt. Disappointed? More than words. But now DISCIPLINED and determined to focus on me and my reasons for inadvertently becoming his "mommy," while I neglected myself, my job, and my family (3 who have birthrights to call me mommy:-(

[christoff522]

I never really thought of it as baiting, but yeah it makes sense. She didn't come to see me until after she got into a new relationship. About two weeks in, maybe she felt 'ready' to have me back in her life?

I guess it is bait, she was dressed for me again, made herself look like the old "L" that I knew before. Wow, yeah.

Well if it happens again I'll know now not to swim to the bait.

Interesting concept, baiting. It's all about triangulating I guess, I am a good triangulation tool I guess. haah

Ah well, every day I get a little bit stronger, by the time she would bait me again I may just be strong enough to say some swear words to her - calmly of course, in a very nice and gentle tone, no anger. Just "go forth and multiply sweetheart".

[christoff522]

Ditto to Deeno and so much love and light to you, CVM: my BPD Survivor "Soulmate"  . I too am so thankful for our family of survivors. Freedom; thank you for the light you shine on our paths.

I had an awareness in late July that literally shook me: it was unthinkable at the time as I came to the realization that he did not love me. And like Deeno, that was after helping navigate his final weeks in a halfway house; coordination with his newly assigned probation officer, reuniting with his two sons and parents post-prison sentence, help with an eviction and application for homeless benefits that landed him a new place with a great landlord (who he also betrayed), a protracted child support case in court, two job terminations, two re-hires (I was a reference, etc.) All the while, I funded his lifestyle and provided nearly every meal while he was "getting back on his feet." When he did land on his feet, he dumped me on my head. As Blissful Camper wrote in another thread: love=need for pwBPD. When he no longer perceived his need of me, he went ST and abandoned me. Never even a goodbye. Disordered? No doubt. Disappointed? More than words. But now DISCIPLINED and determined to focus on me and my reasons for voluntarily becoming his "mommy," while I lost my way for a year.

I was actually going to say - you were his mother. They're about 3/4 years old emotionally, they see love as being cared for and looked after - on their terms of course, they need their independence  - exactly as a father-daughter, mother-son relationship.

Their real parents are despised, so they try to fashion new parents for themselves, use sex as bait and control techniques, and manipulate us mentally to make us pliable. We don't 'voluntarily' become their parents, we go in hoping for a relationship, love, someone to snuggle up with on a cold winters night. They use idealization to hook us in, to make us dependent on them. Thats why some experts will say to watch out for the honeymoon period, and question it, keep contact at a minimum during this time, set boundaries etc. You see idealization is when our egos are fed, and its a darn good technique, it worked on me... worked on you. It is involuntary in one sense, as we don't ask for this, yet voluntary in our acceptance of it. Its like having a million pound dangled in front of your face, then taken away.

At that point you'll do anything to get it back.

[topknot]

Caredverymuch, I always read your posts because they are insightful.  I feel the same for the family here.  It is what has saved me from the depths of destruction.  I often wondered why the powers that be would allow me to go from a 30+ year abusive marriage to a boyfriend with BPD.  I do see why it happened, because I was so, so vulnerable, but how unfair it was to me as a human being - never feeling like I was deserving of what it seemed other couples had.  When he left my home abruptly, he put all his belongings in storage.  I received a letter today for him, saying they will be auctioning off his possessions for non-payment.  I am a customer there, as well.  They asked me today if I would contact him, so he knows this is happening.  I said no.  I cannot go there again; hearing his voice or seeing him would open the box all over again.  This reminded me of your recent drive by.  And yes, I just got an "oh, sorry, wrong person" text that I ignored - it has been four months as well.  Hugs and wishes for good, good things 

[bungenstein]

I was actually going to say - you were his mother. They're about 3/4 years old emotionally, they see love as being cared for and looked after - on their terms of course, they need their independence  - exactly as a father-daughter, mother-son relationship.

Their real parents are despised, so they try to fashion new parents for themselves, use sex as bait and control techniques, and manipulate us mentally to make us pliable. We don't 'voluntarily' become their parents, we go in hoping for a relationship, love, someone to snuggle up with on a cold winters night. They use idealization to hook us in, to make us dependent on them. Thats why some experts will say to watch out for the honeymoon period, and question it, keep contact at a minimum during this time, set boundaries etc. You see idealization is when our egos are fed, and its a darn good technique, it worked on me... worked on you. It is involuntary in one sense, as we don't ask for this, yet voluntary in our acceptance of it. Its like having a million pound dangled in front of your face, then taken away.

At that point you'll do anything to get it back.

This is a perfect description, bravo!

I think this is what caused me to cease saying 'I love you', after 6 months, it didn't feel right, I didn't feel connected in the way I should, she didn't feel like a true partner, we weren't on the same level, she didn't understand a lot of the concepts I talked about, she didn't feel things in the same way that I felt them, she had no connection to my feelings, the more time that went by, the more I began to become freaked out by her.

Maybe the loss feels so great, because its similar to the parental loss of a child, I felt like I lost a daughter more than a partner, I felt like a carer, a teacher, a therapist, and a role model.

I don't understand how any intelligent human being could keep this up over a long period of time without thinking, wait a minute, this is totally abnormal, and wrong.

[myself]

My ex still contacts me every once in awhile. Trying to make herself feel alright more than bring us back together. She's my ex because she said goodbye. I'm still growing used to the idea, seeing how it's for the best. Her life would be better if she wasn't with me, she said, but she still tries to get to me sometimes. No doubt it's disorder. But I'm the monster that's supposed to forgive her, that's the game. It's deep, and I care, but I don't respond.