Selective memory in people with BPD

[brokenbutalive]

We all know our BPDs can be very selective about what they remember and what they don't. I always though it was bs, they know exactly what happened they just twist it to suit whatever's in their head at that particular moment. A few days ago though I was having an argument with my ex on the phone. We've had months of no contact and she's trying to draw me in again. I told her our relationship was a horror story, a never ending cycle of tantrums, rages and silent treatment. I detected genuine shock and surprise in her voice on hearing this. She said she only recalled good times and that we had a good functioning relationship. With only talking to her on the phone I can't be certain but it seemed real. She genuinely doesn't remember the bad times... .and believe me 75% of it was very bad.

Strange, very strange. And a little bit creepy. Anyone ever experience this?

[Whiteytheox72]

yes. They recall only what works for them. But under intense confrontation they will acnowledge the truth. It sucks but they are ill between the ears. Accept they are sick, that your feelings were for shadows on a wall, and heal. It sucks but it is what it is.

[bunnysc]

Wow, well I can give you an example... .My ex even used her replacement to call me acting as a fake lawyer to stay away from her and her family. Recently I was contacted that she wanted to talk with me because things ended very bad like if nothing happened WTH... .So it could be they forget stuff in the long run who knows... .

[Whiteytheox72]

LAst thursday night I recieved rage texts about how her new lover told her how to get a restraining order 90 minutes later she was on the phone doing the why wont you be my best friend. Friday five hours of I still love you I never wanted a restraining order please please pease be my best friend I still love you whitey. Its a sickness. They know no love they know no peace. I have just accepted the greatest love I have ever felt was a terrified abused little trapped in a survivors 44 year old body that at one time was the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world to me. They are just sick brother and they will make us sick too. Im typing this with tears in my eyes but I love me too much to drown with her.

[brokenbutalive]

LAst thursday night I recieved rage texts about how her new lover told her how to get a restraining order 90 minutes later she was on the phone doing the why wont you be my best friend. Friday five hours of I still love you I never wanted a restraining order please please pease be my best friend I still love you whitey. Its a sickness. They know no love they know no peace. I have just accepted the greatest love I have ever felt was a terrified abused little trapped in a survivors 44 year old body that at one time was the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world to me. They are just sick brother and they will make us sick too. Im typing this with tears in my eyes but I love me too much to drown with her.

We're not gona drown mate. We'll breathe and live. We'll get there.

[pieceofme]

when my ex initially broke up with me (after he cheated), he blamed me for fighting all the time with him (even though he started it 99% of the time). he only remembered the bad; if i mentioned a happy memory, he would rage, "stop bringing up the past!" as if he couldn't or didn't want to remember.

another time, he screamed that he was over me. four days later he claimed he never said such a thing. a week later, i reminded him again of what he said and he said it was "years ago" 

it's like trying to play a game that we'll never win.

[Arminius]

I have just accepted the greatest love I have ever felt was a terrified abused little (child) trapped in a survivors 44 year old body that at one time was the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world to me. They are just sick brother and they will make us sick too. Im typing this with tears in my eyes but I love me too much to drown with her.

Superbly described.

[Arminius]

Mine had a distorted sense of time/ memory and would often refer to things as having been a certain way 'for years' when it may have only been a few days/weeks.

This is a serious condition, and we need it remember it to retain our sanity.

[bunnysc]

I have just accepted the greatest love I have ever felt was a terrified abused little trapped in a survivors 44 year old body that at one time was the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world to me. They are just sick brother and they will make us sick too. Im typing this with tears in my eyes but I love me too much to drown with her.

Now that made me  :'( wow.

Im typing this with tears in my eyes but I love me too much to drown with her.

Please give me some of your strength, I sure need that because it seems I don't ''Love myself'' that much. If I could I would drown with her.

[mstnghu]

About 2 1/2 years ago I drank too much at my wife's cousin's wedding. I made an ass out of myself by losing my temper with my wife in front of other people. It was an embarrassing situation. I acknowledged it, apologized and attempted to move on from it. My wife STILL to this day will call me out on it every chance she gets... .yet can't seem to remember that as recently as two weeks ago she stormed out of the house like a lunatic, threatening to kill herself.

We got in a fight the other night and she once again brought up the wedding (that she's supposedly forgiven me for   and I said "That's fine, you can't forget the wedding and I can't forget that you were suicidal... .who's worse here?"

Was I taking the moral high road? ... .not necessarily, but it was disturbingly satisfying to call her on her BS.

[Tibbles]

I don't know if it was selective memory or their distorted version of reality. BPD's twist reality to suit their perception of the world. They feel a certain way and they see the world,  factual events in that certain way. That is their reality. I remember sitting there many times thinking that isn't right when my ex would retell events, not just concerning me but about anything. He'd put all different interpretations etc onto things and feel and see them as factual. I see it as all part of the illness. They live in a reality inhabited by one, a lonely place to be, and they spend so much energy into trying to force us nons to live in that world with them. That's why we get so messed up, trying to live in a make believe world where we are the bad guys and they are so hard done by. It's so hard to engage with some one who is so certain they are right and can run rings around you with their weird logic.

[brokenbutalive]

I don't know if it was selective memory or their distorted version of reality. BPD's twist reality to suit their perception of the world. They feel a certain way and they see the world,  factual events in that certain way. That is their reality. I remember sitting there many times thinking that isn't right when my ex would retell events, not just concerning me but about anything. He'd put all different interpretations etc onto things and feel and see them as factual. I see it as all part of the illness. They live in a reality inhabited by one, a lonely place to be, and they spend so much energy into trying to force us nons to live in that world with them. That's why we get so messed up, trying to live in a make believe world where we are the bad guys and they are so hard done by. It's so hard to engage with some one who is so certain they are right and can run rings around you with their weird logic.

Great post. Every word of this is accurate. I too would sit open-mouthed as she told stories of events we had both been witness to, over-emphasising some bits, strategically omitting others, of course I remained silent, too scared to say actually that's not quite how I saw it. Masters at distortion all of them. And they're so good at it. Mine usually wouldn't tell outright lies, she just wouldn't tell the full truth, making it very difficult to argue with her.

[christoff522]

Mine would also suffer from this perceptive distortion of time. We even talk about it sometimes and laugh that time works differently for her. I can remember that vividly, being in almost constant 24 hour contact with her for 3 months... I was utterly exhausted yet she was fine, but my perception of time was messed up, it felt like a year, when I realised it was only April I was actually quite shocked. a week felt like a month, a month like 4 months. Everything was enhanced, had I not had a job I'd of been in an asylum.

Recently we got back in Contact - August. I asked her why she wanted to contact me on my birthday and she replied "we're old friends". I've known her less than a year - but we're "old friends".

Everything is enhanced for a BPD, they tend to only remember what fits the emotions they're feeling, make them feel good - they'll love you, make them feel bad and they'll hate you.

[Seoulsister]

Yes. It's odd that any and every slight against her is remembered (in great detail) and brought up again and again, but if it's something she's done to someone else, she either doesn't remember or denies it outright. Sad.

[purpleavocado]

Yes. It's odd that any and every slight against her is remembered (in great detail) and brought up again and again, but if it's something she's done to someone else, she either doesn't remember or denies it outright. Sad.

That's exactly how mine was. Most of the time it wasn't even a real slight... .at least no rational person would have seen it that way, or if they did, once they talked it through it would have been fine. Her? She just loved to hang on to every perceived slight and pretended that she never did anything completely :censored: up. Especially not on an hourly basis. Nope, she was perfect.

[purpleavocado]

I don't know if it was selective memory or their distorted version of reality. BPD's twist reality to suit their perception of the world. They feel a certain way and they see the world,  factual events in that certain way. That is their reality. I remember sitting there many times thinking that isn't right when my ex would retell events, not just concerning me but about anything. He'd put all different interpretations etc onto things and feel and see them as factual. I see it as all part of the illness. They live in a reality inhabited by one, a lonely place to be, and they spend so much energy into trying to force us nons to live in that world with them. That's why we get so messed up, trying to live in a make believe world where we are the bad guys and they are so hard done by. It's so hard to engage with some one who is so certain they are right and can run rings around you with their weird logic.

This is a great point. A non-BPD will never understand how they see the world, how self-centered they really are.

And they are very intelligent in that they can run circles around you during an argument, confusing the issue until you just want to be done with it and apologize for whatever made up thing you did.

[Recooperating]

I think the selective perception all has to do with the feelings before fact issue in BPD. I don't think they do this on purpose, its the illness. Its how they perceive the world, everything based on emotion and fear.

Feelings before facts. In ordinary conversation, we put facts before feelings. We assess facts and react with our feelings to them. But people with BPD often reverse this process. They have certain feelings—such as the fear that a partner will abandon them—and so they change the facts to match their feelings.

[blissful_camper]

I saw more self-conviction when selective perception (feelings before facts) was communicated to me.  And while it may not have been logical or made sense, my ex was clear and confident when in selective perception-mode.  

But he also experienced amnesia.  Sometimes he truly didn't remember events as they had played out.  While it seemed that this (amnesia) could occur at any time (and it did), it was more pronounced during his massive rage.  When gently reminded of the facts, he appeared truly shocked and confused.  He described it as a "black out."   He could not remember what he did or said.  

[mstnghu]

I don't know if it was selective memory or their distorted version of reality. BPD's twist reality to suit their perception of the world. They feel a certain way and they see the world,  factual events in that certain way. That is their reality. I remember sitting there many times thinking that isn't right when my ex would retell events, not just concerning me but about anything. He'd put all different interpretations etc onto things and feel and see them as factual. I see it as all part of the illness. They live in a reality inhabited by one, a lonely place to be, and they spend so much energy into trying to force us nons to live in that world with them. That's why we get so messed up, trying to live in a make believe world where we are the bad guys and they are so hard done by. It's so hard to engage with some one who is so certain they are right and can run rings around you with their weird logic.

Great post. Every word of this is accurate. I too would sit open-mouthed as she told stories of events we had both been witness to, over-emphasising some bits, strategically omitting others, of course I remained silent, too scared to say actually that's not quite how I saw it. Masters at distortion all of them. And they're so good at it. Mine usually wouldn't tell outright lies, she just wouldn't tell the full truth, making it very difficult to argue with her.

It's amazing how much similarity we all have with our experiences. I can't count how many times my wife's been telling a story and I later have to give the accurate version of what really happened when she's not around.  My wife is always telling dramatic tales to my family and they now know to take everything with a grain of salt. They can always rely on my to tell the true story later. 

[Mutt]

I don't know if it was selective memory or their distorted version of reality. BPD's twist reality to suit their perception of the world. They feel a certain way and they see the world,  factual events in that certain way. That is their reality.

I believe some of the behavior is dissociation from my experience. Altering or changing reality to fit with their out of place feelings.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

But he also experienced amnesia.  Sometimes he truly didn't remember events as they had played out.

Gunderson on object constancy and "emotional amnesia"

Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

[RedDove]

Thanks Recooperation, that really hit the nail on the head for me... .people suffering from "BPD put feelings before facts!" we Nons put "facts" before feelings. When I confronted my ex BPDbf for the last time, I had all of the "facts". I didn't know he suffered from BPD until that last meeting. I had a photo of his car, including the license plate parked in the OW driveway that I showed him.

His first response: "Well that could be anyone's car, there were 5,000 of that model/make produced that year". Really? With the same exact license plate? I then showed him a piece paper I found at his house with the OW's name and cell number. He said, "I've never seen that paper before, that's not my handwriting!". I then pulled out a card from my last birthday with his handwriting. No, really? Certainly looks like your writing!

He started crying, closed his eyes and went into selective memory or dissociate memory. Said we hadn't had an understanding (commitment) for over a year. I then showed him the texts from just 5 days prior that he sent clearly saying "you're the love of my life! I cant imagine you not being in my life. I'm so glad we talked things out! We'll be together forever! He then finally confessed that he was not stable, borderline and an alcoholic. But of course never apologized or owned up to the cheating.

He left the restaurant first. I paid the bill and on my way home (we live 1/2 mile from each other, across an intersection) I went to turn right at the intersection towards my house. What do I see? Him at the stop sign on my left going straight through the intersection. My best guess is he was heading to the OW's house (in that same direction) to use his new supply to cover up his shame and abandonment. That quickly he was able to go from crying and attempting to get my sympathy to jumping into bed with the OW. Very sick and sad disorder.

[Arminius]

I'm really lucky in that I have good and strong friends who wouldn't lie to me, yet exclusively have cut her out of their lives ( despite her emails, social media requests etc) because they, like me, thought we were perfect and they see what she is... .And it's helped my sanity as has this place.