NC, detachment and the way ahead

[freedom33]

Hi family,

Some of you know my story - I joined these forums almost two months ago. That was a few weeks after I went NC with my ex. I read and posted ferociously. Since then I have been slowly detaching and my presence in these forums the last week or two has decreased quite a bit.

The first week of NC was easy as my anger over the relationship was fresh and keeping me away. Weeks 2-5 were absolute hell. The anger was gone, I was ambivalent and at times negotiating things in my head. At the same time, she tried to break NC in week 2 and 3 via texts adn emails. I was also very weak but held my ground and did not respond.

During weeks 5 - 8 (i.e. until today) I have been progressively getting better. During this time she has engaged in a NC breaking campaign through fb, whatsapp, skype, viber she even created fake profiles to get in touch pretending she was another girl looking for fun. I blocked her from all these mediums. The first time I blocked her was in whatsapp. It felt like cutting my own arm off. Then after each attempt it became easier and easier to cut her out of my life completely. Yesterday and the day before she called numerous times from unknown numbers and eventually send me a text message asking me if I want to go to the cinema together next Sunday as if all is ok and nothing happened. No apology, no interest, no explanation just wants to go to the cinema.   I am out of the FOG now and can clearly see the absurdity of it all - how not well she is and how much help she needs.

As for myself - I am largely detached. My mind has taken over and I am not going back to the hell I got out from. That's a 100% fact. This relationship has brought me to my knees. I met her a few months after we broke up with my long-term partner with whom we lived together for 8 years. I was still mourning for that relationship, vulnerable, an easy prey, eager to believe the fairy tale I got into with the pwBPD. Now I have two relationships to mourn for. I don't know what psychological stuff are mine and what are due to the first relationship (which was stable and relatively healthy) and what are due the second one. I don't know for which things I can hope for and change in me, what things are part of me, what things are not mine and should be aware of in others.

Also I feel numb. Numb and depressed. I find criticising myself much. It is difficult to relax. I feel tense.  I am afraid of people - particularly women. I feel really vulnerable around them and as if they will see my fragility and abuse me or make fun of me. I feel that women care about being with an alpha, confident male and I am clearly very far from that state at the moment. I had a really good job that brought me some status - I lost that. I am a good looking guy and women are attracted and coming onto me. Even that now I see as a flaw in me. Real men are rough looking and they are the ones that chasing and hunting down the birds. Sometimes I even think I am gay. I know that it is not true and there is no evidence for this (i.e. I have no sexual attraction or same sex feelings) but this kind of distorted obsessive/compulsive thinking for my sexuality, self worth and even my health emerges a few times a week - I think due to anxiety. I am not going against my distorted thinking these days. I kind of agree with the distorted thinking in order to desensitise it and then let it go. Kind of a mindfulness technique I am using there. Long story short, it has been really tough, but with the worse behind I hope. I am looking forward to some light soon.

Encouraging words from your experiences are appreciated. Thank you reading this far.

[Deeno02]

Wow. Well done. I'm 45 days in B/u, 16 days NC. I'm still a complete mess. I have been journaling since my divorce 3 years ago and continued through this r/s. I look back at fondness and digust at my entries. Ashamed and sad. I don't trust nor feel like a man anymore. She does not care, didn't mourn the r/s at all. Super quick with a replacement too. It dawns on me that I'm the replacement guy as we had gotten together during her separation and divorce time. Well, she got what she wanted. A loving man for her and her kids, a source of confidence and security for her, encouragement to restart a career after being a stay at home mom for 15 years, and feeling desirable as a woman. Me? I'm freakin destroyed. Big time. Trying to move on but at 51, you get a little antsy about being alone. What the hell is wrong with them? Why do they treat you as if you didn't/don't exist? I was no angel as I could have done better in communicating and spending more time with her(her big complaints) even though I had my own house and children to care for. I'm so damn lost and hate that I can't get her out of my head and her with the other guy? Drives me nuts. No sure what the hell to do.

[freedom33]

It is tough but keep in mind that 16 days is not a long time. I do think that we only start to really detach once we go NC. Being triggered every few days or weeks through contact does not allow these deep wounds to heal. It is like as if you have a seriously damaged ankle and you keep spraining it every few weeks. It will take a really long time to heal like that. Keep the NC and try to bring the focus of it all to you. I am confident you (and I) will get better eventually. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Caredverymuch]

It is tough but keep in mind that 16 days is not a long time. I do think that we only start to really detach once we go NC. Being triggered every few days or weeks through contact does not allow these deep wounds to heal. It is like as if you have a seriously damaged ankle and you keep spraining it every few weeks. It will take a really long time to heal like that. Keep the NC and try to bring the focus of it all to you. I am confident you (and I) will get better eventually. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Around 4 mos NC and no triggers really helps to clear the FOG. It seems to be a good turning point I've seen on this board. There is a great deal of anxiety in the early phase os NC. Understandably, as this is a very traumatic experience. Anxiety skews thinking and ruminating seems constant. Its a vicious cycle.

Staying away from events that trigger the trauma of this experience is important. Try to not be in those places that will trigger you. It really helps to try to soothe the mind and heart.  The anxiety will lessen the farther you stay away. 

[Pingo]

Also I feel numb. Numb and depressed. I find criticising myself much. It is difficult to relax. I feel tense.  I am afraid of people - particularly women. I feel really vulnerable around them and as if they will see my fragility and abuse me or make fun of me. I feel that women care about being with an alpha, confident male and I am clearly very far from that state at the moment. I had a really good job that brought me some status - I lost that. I am a good looking guy and women are attracted and coming onto me. Even that now I see as a flaw in me. Real men are rough looking and they are the ones that chasing and hunting down the birds. Sometimes I even think I am gay. I know that it is not true and there is no evidence for this (i.e. I have no sexual attraction or same sex feelings) but this kind of distorted obsessive/compulsive thinking for my sexuality, self worth and even my health emerges a few times a week - I think due to anxiety. I am not going against my distorted thinking these days. I kind of agree with the distorted thinking in order to desensitise it and then let it go. Kind of a mindfulness technique I am using there. Long story short, it has been really tough, but with the worse behind I hope. I am looking forward to some light soon.

I can relate to this Freedom.  I am over a month NC and 4 mths out of the r/s.  I feel like I am slowly detaching and my thoughts aren't consumed by him so much anymore.  I am doing a lot of reading, journaling, therapy, coming on these boards, etc and it all helps so much.  But I still have this underlying feeling about my self worth, that it is corrupt.  I am also an attractive person (woman) and I have a decent body, in decent shape.  But my identity as a woman and my sexuality has really been shattered.  Before this r/s I was pretty confidant in my sexuality (although perhaps some of that confidence was ego, not real) but I found myself getting more and more insecure throughout the r/s.  Now I am 44 yrs old and I wonder what can I bring to the table in a healthy r/s?  I am intimidated by men.  I immediately start thinking about their expectations and then I get totally turned off of the idea of ever wanting to try to please another man.  I guess my idea of a healthy r/s is still really distorted.  My anxiety is still really high, I am always tense as well and I am hoping that with time this will lessen.  It is a result of some kind of PTSD I believe.  I spent so much of the r/s in a state of fear.  BTW, my ex is the 'rough looking' kind, the kind that goes hunting.  That is what attracted me to him.  And look how that turned out!  Now as I'm typing this and re-reading what you wrote, I believe this is all symptomatic of PTSD, the numbing, the mistrust, the distorted identity.  If we can recognise this we can be a lot more compassionate to ourselves and our healing.  Not so judgemental.  I do try to hang on to hope that one day I will feel 'normal' again.

[Mr Hollande]

I feel a bit daunted giving you advice as my impression is that you have done much more work than I have but here we go. What happened to me during the first 2 months was survival mode where I hardly ate, slept very little and had many early mornings with brutal exercise and just carried on through the days like that. I lost 2 stone in weight and it wasn't actually not a bad time looking back at it. It was cleansing and hopeful, ascetic and simple. About two months in I hit a form of routine mode where the feelings weren't as intense and I lost the sharpness I'd acquired. I wasn't so desperately traumatised anymore and I started to become lazy. A malaise set in and the feeling of hopelessness and foreboding came with it. It was dull. I have a sense that you have hit that stage now. For whatever it actually means I would suggest it at least signifies some progress. My answer to it was to slap myself in the face and get back into marching mode. So I continue the long march and it feels better again. Everyone finds what works for them if they search for it. By having read many of your posts here with some awe I know you'll find yourself back on the right track again.

[Deeno02]

It is tough but keep in mind that 16 days is not a long time. I do think that we only start to really detach once we go NC. Being triggered every few days or weeks through contact does not allow these deep wounds to heal. It is like as if you have a seriously damaged ankle and you keep spraining it every few weeks. It will take a really long time to heal like that. Keep the NC and try to bring the focus of it all to you. I am confident you (and I) will get better eventually. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Around 4 mos NC and no triggers really helps to clear the FOG. It seems to be a good turning point I've seen on this board. There is a great deal of anxiety in the early phase os NC. Understandably, as this is a very traumatic experience. Anxiety skews thinking and ruminating seems constant. Its a vicious cycle.

Staying away from events that trigger the trauma of this experience is important. Try to not be in those places that will trigger you. It really helps to try to soothe the mind and heart.  The anxiety will lessen the farther you stay away. 

Im still a baby in this yet but so far im good in the no contact, no sightings. She coaches my sons volleyball team though and thats coming up... .yuck

[sl1978]

I can relate to this Freedom.  I am over a month NC and 4 mths out of the r/s.  I feel like I am slowly detaching and my thoughts aren't consumed by him so much anymore.  I am doing a lot of reading, journaling, therapy, coming on these boards, etc and it all helps so much.  But I still have this underlying feeling about my self worth, that it is corrupt.  I am also an attractive person (woman) and I have a decent body, in decent shape.  But my identity as a woman and my sexuality has really been shattered.  Before this r/s I was pretty confidant in my sexuality (although perhaps some of that confidence was ego, not real) but I found myself getting more and more insecure throughout the r/s.  Now I am 44 yrs old and I wonder what can I bring to the table in a healthy r/s?  I am intimidated by men.  I immediately start thinking about their expectations and then I get totally turned off of the idea of ever wanting to try to please another man.  I guess my idea of a healthy r/s is still really distorted.  My anxiety is still really high, I am always tense as well and I am hoping that with time this will lessen.  It is a result of some kind of PTSD I believe.  I spent so much of the r/s in a state of fear.  BTW, my ex is the 'rough looking' kind, the kind that goes hunting.  That is what attracted me to him.  And look how that turned out!  Now as I'm typing this and re-reading what you wrote, I believe this is all symptomatic of PTSD, the numbing, the mistrust, the distorted identity.  If we can recognise this we can be a lot more compassionate to ourselves and our healing.  Not so judgemental.  I do try to hang on to hope that one day I will feel 'normal' again.

I feel exactly the same, except I am a man and now feel intimidated by women. Also over a month NC. I've heard from others that this kind of thing can cause PTSD, so hearing you say that makes me a little better knowing it's not just me.

[Blimblam]

Freedom

I think you are struggling with "the whisperer" aka the punitive parent or inner critic. 

It was only once I started having some really dark urges of revenge and sadistic energy that I was able to confront this "entity" or archetype or energy in a dream head on. The half maker speaks in half truths. 

Idk about you but when I had those really sort of negative thoughts comparing myself. I felt a sort of sadistic laughing voice I could not hear but like an energy. Similiar to those moments wen I would feel like I'm screaming inside.

[Blimblam]

I think the new batman series gives a great guide for the energies we are confronting. The fear being the scarecrow.  Then the white knight two face and the joker.

The punitive parent is the joker. Remember in the film the joker destroys the white knight. Once this happens their are feeling of sadistic revenge this is represented by two face.  Then the dark knight comes along to whoop a$$. 

So the feeling you feel I can identify with. And for me it felt like the critical parent chastising my inner child. 

The issue is the white knight would rise up to defend but was useless.

I had to get angry and embrace the anger and darkness. The point where the joker turns Harvy dent into two face.  I didn't act on it but embraced the energy fully and it made a pretty twisted fantasy. I embraced the energy and didn't deny it.  I realized I had been denying this energy for a while. This is where I'm at right now.

When I stop and think about it it's the same process and energies involved with my ex and myself in the transition from idealizing to devaluing.

So remember in the devaluing the sadistic grin?  It's basically that energy in you that needs to be embraced by getting angry.

[Blimblam]

I appologize fr posting a lot on this but I found a way to relate it directly to what you said.

So right now your perception with women is a reflection of your inner anima image. Which for you now you identify with fear, or "the scarecrow" to use the batman analogy. The fear activates the punitive parent which compares you to this idea of the alpha male. So the alpha male image is the impulsive child taunting you or to use the batman analogy the joker.

For me it helps to tune into these energies and identify them. Then when I feel them in dreams they personify and when i am ready i can face them.

[irishmarmot]

I think you are doing well Freedom.  Don't worry about being an alpha-male.  Women prefer a man that is compassionate and caring.  There are things you can do to be more assertive.   Try doing some things that will increase your self-confidence because lets face it we have all been wounded in this area.  I got back into rock-climbing which is a passion of mine.  Therapy also is helping me a lot and NC has been such a blessing because I have been able to detach.

[freedom33]

Thanks for you responses! Really helpful and something for me to reflect on. Today I am back to feeling ok. In the early NC days I would feel bad every day then it went 1 day good 1 day bad. Now it is more like 2-3 good days and 1 bad one. Getting there slowly.

I think you are right Hollande. The first two months I was focusing on my work obsessively to avoid thinking perhaps. Now that things are getting settled I am getting lazier. Waking up later during the day, not doing so much work (I am a freelancer) or being very active. I think I am letting everything sink in and I kind of like it. I was always the type of guy that would try and do something all the time, the fixer, getting things done, can't sit still. Now I kind of let things come and go. And you know what? I am getting to a new attitude for me which is... .Let good things come to me. Can't be running after things anymore. Close doors. Say no. Have others do a bit of the running. It's ok. I think a part of me - the keen part - the one that wants to get overinvolved with things - has died. That's good. Amen!

Blim - Funilly, enough I watched Batman Returns last night. My ex was the catwoman - she wanted to wear the custome with me for fun ;-). I like Batman's attitude to her. Got a lot to learn bro. Back to basics.

[Mr Hollande]

Which reminds me of the fight scene between Batman and Cat Woman in the old one with Michelle Pfeiffer as CW. After taking a lot of punishment he sits her on her ass with a good punch and she cries "How COULD you? I'm a WOMAN". He extends his hand to help her up only to be caught off guard by a boot in his face. Very, VERY symbolic and fitting, isn't it?

[Blimblam]

Freedom I highly recommend Christopher Nolan's batman series. His movies tend to deal with personality disorders and the dream world. In the batman series he blends archetypes the classical mythological motifs and personality disorders.

In the dark knight when Bruce Wayne first encounters cat woman she cracks the uncraxkabld safe where his mothers pearls are kept. The pearl is linked to the myth of Aphrodite. We often mention on here that the way a borderline triggers in us the part of ourselves linked with the archIac symbol of our mothers love which is the oxytocin bond. Historically the Venus or Aphrodite came from the east and the goddess Ishtar or Astarte. In babylon and and the ancient world the temples of Ishtar are where every maden in the land were kept as sacred prostitutes who worked to par off a certain amount to the temple of Ishtar through whoring. This is linked to the siren archetype. Cats carry a toxin or parasite that causes a person if they get the parasite to go mad and is linked to the uprise of schizophrenia in the west. This is why we say cats are a link to the other realm or world. Funnily enough most borderlines will identify with cats or being a cat lady.

The dark knight rises flick has numerous references to BPD in it. Bane represents the protector or the disorder cat woman and Miranda Tate various aspects of the borderline woman. Batman once he encounters bane after he trusts Miranda Tate and cateoman meets bane where he is beaten and thrown into the pit where bane and the child from hell came from to be tortured. When he's in the pit the rope represents the umbilical cord.

The dark knight deals with the death of the white knight and facing the trickster.

In the film inception the character has in his mind a woman who is destroying his inner world and driving him mad. 

The rescuer part of our personality is the "white knight". The film the dark knight is a metaphor if the psychological process of the death of this and the various archetypes and how they interact in this process. Utilizing and making the connections with the karpman drama triangle and the schema modes can help map out the process.

You are being honest enough with yourself and in tune with the energies and images they connect to which is Awsome.  This will allow you to identify your own projection of the archytipical images and corresponding energies in your mind.

Divination systems and individuation systems like tarot and alchemy are just systems of identifying these energes within the the self and the roadmap to individuation. The new batman series is basically the alchemical process represented in mythic structure.

Once these archetypes are identified seeing mans relation to them throughout the ages gives some insight into their character outside if the paradigm of the time we grew up in.

Their is a vast wealth of knowledge about the nature of these energies once one is able to connect it and recognize the corresponding archetype.

[Blimblam]

I have found on a somatic level of processing the uncomfortable sensations the pain in the chest is linked to fear shame, guilt. The archetype of fear or the boogeyman, the unknown, scarecrow.

The discomfort in my gut linked to anxiety and self doubt. The archetype for this is the trickster. Represented as the joker, the chechire cat, the bad guy in gas light, used car salesman, con men, Loki, djin, the devil, etc.

The throat is sort of the point at which the unconcious aspects of the self which are all the chakras below it meets with concious awareness. This is felt as the lack of voice. The trickster is linked with the throat and senses

So this is a brief sort of description of my findings to linking these energies to the somatic level to be able to help identify them.

Don't take my word for it though.

[freedom33]

Which reminds me of the fight scene between Batman and Cat Woman in the old one with Michelle Pfeiffer as CW. After taking a lot of punishment he sits her on her ass with a good punch and she cries "How COULD you? I'm a WOMAN". He extends his hand to help her up only to be caught off guard by a boot in his face. Very, VERY symbolic and fitting, isn't it?

That's exactly the scene that I was talking about... .then he drops her down the cat litter... .

[freedom33]

Blim - what you have written really strikes a chord in my story. She bought me a book during our second week together called the Pearl by John Steinbeck. In this book a man finds the biggest pearl in the world but it slowly drives him mad and results in the death of his son who is called coyotito i.e. little coyote which represents the trickster. It is about facing those energies and going through such transformation. As I was reading the book I also saw it symbolically and I was having doubts about what I was getting into with her. I intuited what was to come and funilly enought that the book foretold it but I had to go through the journey to hell and through psychological death and back again to face it all. I was also reading about Astarte the other day and how it has been transferred as the demon Astaroth in biblical literature. I can see how she activated the energies of the archetypal good mother which were lacking in me to start with due to emotional deprivation at a young age. Those energies are just immense. The oxytocin bond as you say. She definetely represented the princess, goddess, ___ archetype. That's another book she bought me about Helen of Troy. Makes me wonder how all these coincidences work. The truth is - the white knight is dead. I swallowed the red pill.

Something very important happened tonight. She camped outside my flat. I was with a friend at home having a couple of drinks and when we went outside for a few more I found her outside my door. I was shocked but kept my cool. She wanted to come with us, I said I am going for a drink with my friend and we have work to do, she asked if she could walk with us at least to the pub and then go. Nasty stuff for all involved. We went for a short private walk and I met my friend in the pub 15 minutes after.

I don't know what she wanted from me. Same old stuff. She kept looking me like a wounded puppy but couldn't utter a meaningful word or express some sort of genuine feeling of hers. She said I looked tired, I said she looked distressed... .She was just tortured and was seeking for an attachment and a hug really.  I am stronger now and with a clear head could see through her. She didn't say anything substantial coming from a deep place in herself - just general conversation - not that she ever did to be frank.

I just said that it is all over between us and I am doing really well. She said it was too hard and abrupt for her the way I ended things and that this meeting was good for her, she really misses my neighborhood, she feels it like home, and wanted to go for a coffee. I suggested that if she wants to meet there has to be a purpose - I don't want just to hang out - so we might meet to exchange our stuff.  I have some of her stuff in my flat and she has some of mine in hers. But I don't want to just have a coffee with her. I don't want anything to do with her. I do feel pity for her but this is not good for either of us. It is hard but that is how it is. The umbilical cord is cut.

[Blimblam]

I have found mapping out the projections how I identified with them what they triggered in me and what I projected onto her and vice versa and identifying these archetypical energies and how and when i feel them to sort of make things clearer for me.

I will encounter a layer if anxiety and confusion as I work through identifying the symbolic images the emotions are connected to I then confront the trickster in my dream and they reveal to me a bunch of halve truths.  Then the script and images shift and I am confused again. And repeat the same process.

[Blimblam]

I highly recommend looking up everything you can on the trickster god Loki and his children and surrounding myths. All the images you can surrounding them also.

Also the faun in pans laberynth.

The trickster. The demiurge. The half maker. The gnostic myth of Sophia. The gospel of Mary magdaline.

[Rifka]

Hi family,

Some of you know my story - I joined these forums almost two months ago. That was a few weeks after I went NC with my ex. I read and posted ferociously. Since then I have been slowly detaching and my presence in these forums the last week or two has decreased quite a bit.

The first week of NC was easy as my anger over the relationship was fresh and keeping me away. Weeks 2-5 were absolute hell. The anger was gone, I was ambivalent and at times negotiating things in my head. At the same time, she tried to break NC in week 2 and 3 via texts adn emails. I was also very weak but held my ground and did not respond.

During weeks 5 - 8 (i.e. until today) I have been progressively getting better. During this time she has engaged in a NC breaking campaign through fb, whatsapp, skype, viber she even created fake profiles to get in touch pretending she was another girl looking for fun. I blocked her from all these mediums. The first time I blocked her was in whatsapp. It felt like cutting my own arm off. Then after each attempt it became easier and easier to cut her out of my life completely. Yesterday and the day before she called numerous times from unknown numbers and eventually send me a text message asking me if I want to go to the cinema together next Sunday as if all is ok and nothing happened. No apology, no interest, no explanation just wants to go to the cinema.   I am out of the FOG now and can clearly see the absurdity of it all - how not well she is and how much help she needs.

As for myself - I am largely detached. My mind has taken over and I am not going back to the hell I got out from. That's a 100% fact. This relationship has brought me to my knees. I met her a few months after we broke up with my long-term partner with whom we lived together for 8 years. I was still mourning for that relationship, vulnerable, an easy prey, eager to believe the fairy tale I got into with the pwBPD. Now I have two relationships to mourn for. I don't know what psychological stuff are mine and what are due to the first relationship (which was stable and relatively healthy) and what are due the second one. I don't know for which things I can hope for and change in me, what things are part of me, what things are not mine and should be aware of in others.

Also I feel numb. Numb and depressed. I find criticising myself much. It is difficult to relax. I feel tense.  I am afraid of people - particularly women. I feel really vulnerable around them and as if they will see my fragility and abuse me or make fun of me. I feel that women care about being with an alpha, confident male and I am clearly very far from that state at the moment. I had a really good job that brought me some status - I lost that. I am a good looking guy and women are attracted and coming onto me. Even that now I see as a flaw in me. Real men are rough looking and they are the ones that chasing and hunting down the birds. Sometimes I even think I am gay. I know that it is not true and there is no evidence for this (i.e. I have no sexual attraction or same sex feelings) but this kind of distorted obsessive/compulsive thinking for my sexuality, self worth and even my health emerges a few times a week - I think due to anxiety. I am not going against my distorted thinking these days. I kind of agree with the distorted thinking in order to desensitise it and then let it go. Kind of a mindfulness technique I am using there. Long story short, it has been really tough, but with the worse behind I hope. I am looking forward to some light soon.

Encouraging words from your experiences are appreciated. Thank you reading this far.

Hi freedom,

I think that we came on board around the same time. Im experiencing so many of theses same feelings, also around the same weeks.

I'm n/c 7 weeks, b/u 2 1/2 months.

It is quite the challenge. Having good and bad moments, not whole days.  Been pushing the fun memories out and focusing on the negative stuff that happened not any of the good stuff.

Gone on dates, but not really feeling excited, kind of numb towards feelings, Guessing maybe that's the after effects of dealing BPD. I know I'm definitely scared to get involved with someone Else seriously again.

Feeling a bit lazy too not getting done with things That need to get done with.

Some days it's a major effort just to force myself out the door but I do it. Once I'm out the door I'm always happy I left so that's a good thing.

It's still pretty new I'm guessing that this phase will pass,  we're heading in the right direction so Im going to take that as a positive thing.

I'm not really sure if these are encouraging word but it's just my feelings at this point.

You're definitely not alone.

It does feel a lot better than the beginning when the focus was on them because now the focus is on us, healing us ,so that's really good

glad to hear that you're having a better day today.

Rifka

[freedom33]

Thanks Rifka. I don't know if you read in this thread my latest post but she was outside my flat last night and ambushed me on my way out (see above). I handled it well but I had a really bad sleep last night, waking up in the middle of the night etc. Today I feel I have regressed in terms of my progress. Yet another challenge to overcome - but I think that the more I overcome these challenges the stronger I get and the easier it gets too. Got to keep my head up and keep her out of me.

[Caredverymuch]

I don't know what she wanted from me. Same old stuff. She kept looking me like a wounded puppy but couldn't utter a meaningful word or express some sort of genuine feeling of hers.

She didn't say anything substantial coming from a deep place in herself - just general conversation - not that she ever did to be frank.

I do feel pity for her but this is not good for either of us. It is hard but that is how it is. The umbilical cord is cut.

Freedom, your ability to apply symbolism from literature augments very well your logic.  Continue in that mindset.

I recall you mentioned your are around 3 mos NC. Rengagement/ recycling attempts occur as we know around the 3-6 month mark.  Im being a little harsh in saying what she wanted was a reaction from you.  You are in wise mind and despite the work you are doing here and elsewhere, Im sure it has left you a bit distressed today.

To fully detach we must continue to put our own emotional well being before their need to soothe temporary abandonment fear.  Seems you are really understanding that and your response to her was very respectful of you both as such.  Be careful now that you've erected a boundary as once you let that boundary slip, you know what will happen next unfortunately.

You're taking care of you now.  Out of the fog.

[freedom33]

I had already erected a boundary which was strick NC and had her blocked her from everything over time as she tried to contact/re-engage/recycle through every medium possible from week 2 till today. With her latest outrageous attempt to ambush me at my own home - NC and that boundary is gone. Thinking of how I behaved, I wish was more stern with her last night. I treated her respectfully, not like a stranger or someone I hated, with some warmth. I don't actually hate her even after all that has happened. She is a human being suffering as I am. So I let my compassion get the best or worst of me. Towards the end of our brief chat she asked me if she could have a hug from me which I gave to her. In hindsight I should't have - but it was the best form of closure I could give to myself and her. Then I said take care of yourself - you will be ok etc and left. She probably got her hopes up which may mean more pressure.  I want some solitude and protection from triggers so I can pick up the pieces and that is proving really difficult. Today it has been a hell of a day after such a great day yesterday. Massive anxiety and difficulty functioning combined with renewed challenges for disengagement with this person.

[Rifka]

Thanks Rifka. I don't know if you read in this thread my latest post but she was outside my flat last night and ambushed me on my way out (see above). I handled it well but I had a really bad sleep last night, waking up in the middle of the night etc. Today I feel I have regressed in terms of my progress. Yet another challenge to overcome - but I think that the more I overcome these challenges the stronger I get and the easier it gets too. Got to keep my head up and keep her out of me.

Freedom,

Wow I am so sorry about her coming to your place that must've been so horrible, especially at this stage of the healing process.

Our posts must have crossed at the same time. I didn't see that until I already had posted but I'm really sorry you had such a difficult day yesterday.

Is it that important to get back and give back the things that you have of each other or can you just stay no contact. It seems like that would be a major trigger and a major setback to purposely go and be together again.

Her coming to your place was such a violation to you. Her attempts to break no contact with you are also such violations. " that is stalking " Is there anyway that you could file a report for stalking at the at the police station?

I had to sit with my ex after we broke up and explain in detail very calmly that if he contacted me in any type of way that I would file a restraining order. I'm pretty sure that that was the only reason that he stays away from me now.

Hugs to you today, i can only imagine this being so awful and so disturbing in the process of healing. It's amazing how initially we see things as it's not a big deal and then the aftermath of the event just screws with our brains so bad and it brings us back to The What if's.

Peace to you my friend.

Rifka

[freedom33]

Thanks for your support Rifka. It has been helpful reading this. It is ironic that I started this thread when I was beginning to find my inner composure and strength and feeling more solid and now in this position. What is really annoying me is that I don't even see that what she has done is such a being deal. I mean I cognitively understand that she is stalking, clearly disrespecting my boundaries and wishes and needs but I don't feel the anger so strongly. If I 'd do that to her or anyone really she would be furious! Why am I not? I can't understand what is wrong with me here.

[Rifka]

Thanks for your support Rifka. It has been helpful reading this. It is ironic that I started this thread when I was beginning to find my inner composure and strength and feeling more solid and now in this position. What is really annoying me is that I don't even see that what she has done is such a being deal. I mean I cognitively understand that she is stalking, clearly disrespecting my boundaries and wishes and needs but I don't feel the anger so strongly. If I 'd do that to her or anyone really she would be furious! Why am I not? I can't understand what is wrong with me here.

You are past the anger, that's great! I would not be angry either because we understand they are sick. We are possibly compassionate at this time, but still need to be aware of the disrespect of anybody crossing boundaries. They like to be on top, in control mentally and emotionally. Mine was a master of head games and manipulating boundaries and facts.

Keeping your boundaries clear is so important.

You can pm me if you want.

Rifka

[Caredverymuch]

I cognitively understand that she is stalking, clearly disrespecting my boundaries and wishes and needs

We understand they are sick. We are possibly compassionate at this time, but still need to be aware of the disrespect of anybody crossing boundaries. They like to be on top, in control mentally and emotionally. Mine was a master of head games and manipulating boundaries.

An important point.  They do not like that control taken away with rigid boundaries. And they are capable of stalking and projecting that you are stalking them.