Her silence is screaming so loudly

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

About a month ago now my ex stated she's happier than she's ever been in her life, the following day she started a fight out of the blue and left me taking our 15 month old daughter and moving in with her mother (who is also BPD) She hated me called me names said and did everything she could to hurt me and the same week actually became romantically involved with another man. Despite this I've been supportive loyal loving and kind and have had my daughter the majority of time because staying over the new mans house is seemingly more important then her baby all the sudden. In recent weeks she's come to see me as a good person again, stated she isn't seeing the new guy anymore (which is a lie) and saying we should just be friends because the arguments aren't good for our daughter to witness. I agree and suggested we get counseling and make greater efforts resolve conflict (she starts) without it becoming a full blown fight. She went from saying I don't and never loved her to understanding I do love her and our family more than anything in this world. I'm being supportive and doing all I can to show her that despite the break up I'll always be there for her and my daughter by giving her rides, buying her food & cigarettes, taking the baby on her days so she can get cleaning done or just relax but no matter what I do she wont show any emotion, remorse or love towards me. I text her she don't text me back, I ignore her and she will come up with a reason for me to drop what I'm doing to run to her rescue. I'm staying focused on being a good dad, improving myself and trying to enjoy the new found peace in my life but it's so difficult to understand how someone who loved me so much for almost 4 years of her life can just cut me off without a care in the world. It seems emotionally she's no longer there and I'm still waiting for her to return because she always does sooner or later. 99% of the time we were the perfect happy family so it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around what could be going on in her head, she refuses to talk about anything and only makes short statements which contradict themselves every few day, so I have no idea. In one month I lost my best friend, the woman I love, my family and my job. Today's objective is not to initiate any contact, find a new job and not try and understand the thoughts and intent of a sick person who is going thru a self imposed very difficult time. If she does call me to be rescued I'm going to make every effort to not be there for her because she seems to just want me for only my ability to care for her and no longer loves me. Any suggestions? 

[BrokenFamily]

About a month ago now my ex stated she's happier than she's ever been in her life, the following day she started a fight out of the blue and left me taking our 15 month old daughter and moving in with her mother (who is also BPD) She hated me called me names said and did everything she could to hurt me and the same week actually became romantically involved with another man. Despite this I've been supportive loyal loving and kind and have had my daughter the majority of time because staying over the new mans house is seemingly more important then her baby all the sudden. In recent weeks she's come to see me as a good person again, stated she isn't seeing the new guy anymore (which is a lie) and saying we should just be friends because the arguments aren't good for our daughter to witness. I agree and suggested we get counseling and make greater efforts resolve conflict (she starts) without it becoming a full blown fight. She went from saying I don't and never loved her to understanding I do love her and our family more than anything in this world. I'm being supportive and doing all I can to show her that despite the break up I'll always be there for her and my daughter by giving her rides, buying her food & cigarettes, taking the baby on her days so she can get cleaning done or just relax but no matter what I do she wont show any emotion, remorse or love towards me. I text her she don't text me back, I ignore her and she will come up with a reason for me to drop what I'm doing to run to her rescue. I'm staying focused on being a good dad, improving myself and trying to enjoy the new found peace in my life but it's so difficult to understand how someone who loved me so much for almost 4 years of her life can just cut me off without a care in the world. It seems emotionally she's no longer there and I'm still waiting for her to return because she always does sooner or later. 99% of the time we were the perfect happy family so it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around what could be going on in her head, she refuses to talk about anything and only makes short statements which contradict themselves every few day, so I have no idea. In one month I lost my best friend, the woman I love, my family and my job. Today's objective is not to initiate any contact, find a new job and not try and understand the thoughts and intent of a sick person who is going thru a self imposed very difficult time. If she does call me to be rescued I'm going to make every effort to not be there for her because she seems to just want me for only my ability to care for her and no longer loves me. Any suggestions? 

[Silveron]

If you tolerate her behavior and she has no reason to change then why would she treat you any differently even though you are still jumping through hoops for her?

My wife I believe has BPD and what usually calms her down when she gets into those 'I want a divorce' rages is me just simply telling her, she is free to go but to make sure to really think about it because I don't give second chances.  That she is completely on her own.  It's great that you are there for your daughter and you should be but if you expect your ex to now 'love you' because you continue to do things for her then you are going to disappoint yourself.

BPD see things as black and white.  You right now are painted black, for whatever messed up reason she can think up.  She will use you for as long as you want to be used.  She has an illness that you cannot fix.  No matter how much love or compassion you give her, she will never be 'normal'.  She can get help to cope with the BPD but she will always have a form of emotional immaturity.

Create boundaries and stick with them, this is not being mean to her or your daughter.  This is only going to help you in the long run.  In a BPD relationship it becomes a parent/child relationship and often the child rebels against the parent.

[BrokenFamily]

Thank Silverron, I was debating and still trying to decide how I respond to this matter in the future. As of today I'm going no contact and I will do my best to keep it up. I'm planning on only communicating with her about our daughter. Because we were so happy and because this was so sudden I keep thinking something I said or do can get her to remember all the good times that far out weigh the bad. I've come to realize that her emotional crisis has hurt me and will continue to but only if I allow it to.

[Gimme Peace]

It's astounding how fast they can change their minds, out of the blue, when things seems to be going OK or even getting better. That's the disorder - they can't accept things are good, it must go back to chaos.

You're doing great at being stable for your daughter and it sounds like you have set up good boundaries for her erratic behavior. Cutting the yo-yo string is essential. Best regards!

[BrokenFamily]

Thanks for the positive words of encouragement. I'm just hoping my no contact wont push her further away and make us ever getting back together an impossibility.

[hurting300]

Ok firstly, you need to hire an attorney. My ex disappeared six months ago with our baby. Silent Treatment since. I've not seen either one of them.

[BrokenFamily]

My ex can't handle our daughter for one day! She sleeps till noon and the baby wakes up at 7am.

[hurting300]

My ex can't handle our daughter for one day! She sleeps till noon and the baby wakes up at 7am.

wow that's how mine was. You need to act now.